KINDRED SPIRIT

Ladies and gentlebloggers,

I am pleased to announce that I have found a kindred writer/funnychick spirit in Wendy Shanker. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who digitally inserts celebrities into her social life. This piece, Ladies Night, appeared in Bust Magazine.

Hope you enjoy it--I wish I had written it! But I didn't. But I did write these oldies but goodies for you to enjoy.

Madonnanthology
Law & Order: SJU
Banking with Belzer
Friends

YUM, MORE DELICIOUS LOCUSTS

According to this CNN article, the best way to eat locusts is raw. And, the article continues, it is "essential to cook the insects while alive as otherwise they become bitter." ("And now, [Mr. Bond] you will be BOILED ALIVE!!! Mwah hahahahahah!")

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

Yum. Delicious locusts. [Gag.]

Or, as my mother wrote to me yesterday, quite hilariously: "SWAT. crunch crunch crunch. Burp."

YUM, DELICIOUS LOCUSTS

It's not just a plague, it's pareve!

Thanks to Ha'aretz for breaking this crunchy, slightly nausea-inducing story.

Nutritious and Delicious, But Are They Kosher?

"Of these you may eat any kind of locust, katydid, cricket or grasshopper." (Leviticus 11:22).

Rabbis through the ages have never argued against locusts being kosher; they have only debated whether what we call locusts today were the locusts of the Bible.

Dr. Zohar Amar, head of the Land of Israel Studies department at Bar Ilan University, notes that Jews as well as other peoples in the Near East liked their locusts. "Texts tell how top-quality locusts were brought to Sennacherib on skewers," Amar noted.

However, as time went on, Ashkenazi rabbis began to exclude locusts from Jewish diets because of the difficulty of ascertaining whether they were the same creatures the Bible had permitted. In Yemen and North Africa, however, Jewish communities continued to enjoy locusts.It was not until the 17th century that Moroccan sage Rabbi Haim Ben Attar forbid his flock from eating locusts, which he said had only become part of the Jewish diet during famines, and whose kosher status was suspect.But Amar notes that the popularity of the dish among their Muslim neighbors probably kept it on most North African Jewish menus.

Locusts, by the way, are parve (categorized as neither milk nor meat) and the laws of kosher slaughtering do not apply to them.

I'm baffled. And a little bit nauseated. But I guess the good news is that next time there's a plague of locusts, all we have to do is catch them in bulk (using a giant net? locust traps? a tallis?), somehow kill them (the article notes that the laws of kosher slaughtering don't apply, so I'm a little rusty on airborne insect-killing methodologies), and then serve them up with either meat or milk, because they're all super-pareve. Kind of like edamame. Even before I start my research, I'm sure they're also low-carb, good news for all those Atkins disciples. But how many Points are they?

Thanks to the internet, here's some Nutritional Information (preceded by this disclaimer: "The University of Maryland and the Cicadamaniacs do not advocate eating cicadas without first consulting your doctor"):
Insects provide as much protein pound per pound as lean beef. For example, every 100 gram serving of each, termites provide 617 calories of energy while lean ground beef gives 219 and cod gives 170 (3).

But what about locusts? Thanks again to my friend the internet:
According to the book Creepy Crawly Cuisine, by Julieta Ramos-Elorduy (ParkStreet Press, Rochester, VT, 1998), a pound of locusts (grasshoppers)contains more than adequate amounts of all amino acids for adults'nutritional needs. This amount of locusts also meet an adult's daily needsfor phosphorus, iron, thiamin, riboflavin, niacin, and essential fattyacids. Calcium levels, although insufficient to meet dietary standards, exceed those of meats commonly consumed in the United States, such as beef and chicken. The carbohydrate content is very low, making locusts a suitable food for the Atkins Diet.

(I knew it!)

This whole subject reminds me of the time that guy was hospitalized for eating too many cicadas. What, you're out of cicada recipes? Click here for more cicada recipes than any human could need.

My lunch is ruined. How about yours?

SAVE GILES, EVEN THOUGH HE'S AN ASS

In what is officially today's weirdest story starring a Buffy actor, the very talented Anthony Stewart Head is using his celebrity to benefit a charity called Safe Haven for Donkeys in the Holy Land.

From the report:
Safe Haven is a UK charity that cares for injured and abandoned donkeys in Israel and the Palestinian Territories. The charity's latest adopted donkey has been named Giles to celebrate Anthony's new role, and the actor's fans are being invited to help Giles through Anthony's website. For more information, go to www.safehaven4donkeys.org. Anthony Head's official website is www.anthonyhead.org.

Donkey adoption is apparently only $75. Who knew? Can you say Chanukah present?*

*Actually, anyone looking to get me a Buffy-related Chanukah present can feel free to purchase any of the BTVS DVD sets for me. I've seen Season One, but don't own any of them, so feel free to get those for me, even if it means you don't end up getting me a donkey.

J.D. VS. CHANDLER BING!!

I just saw a preview for next week's Scrubs...Matthew Perry appears opposite Zach Braff? Only one half hour for two such funnymen? Where do I look when they're both on-screen at the same time? Does Matthew win because I've loved him longer and actually met him? Or does Zach win because he's a member of the Tribe?

Any one who thinks it's easy being me needs to reconsider.

OPERATION: BRAFF-QUEST

It was early, too early for a Sunday. But Esther was a woman with a mission, a quest that would take her to the southernmost reaches of The Garden State, in search of novelist and fellow New Jersey native Josh Braff.

There was an odd peacefulness to her Upper West Side neighborhood as she left her apartment, a stillness in the air and in her spirit. Still dulled by sleep, she descended into the subway, and made her way to Penn Station. It was definitely coffee-time, she yawned, as she joined the queue at Zaro’s. She sipped—way too bitter, burnt almost. She wondered if this was what the coffee was supposed to taste like. “New Chernobyl Roast,” she named it. Two Splenda didn’t help matters. But she didn’t care—she was on a mission. At the rendezvous point, she’d meet up with that day’s partner-in-crime, a mysterious woman known only as Ginger, but this leg of her journey, she’d have to travel alone.

The train trip was uneventful, people boarded and left the train at every stop, and few people remained constant. She traveled past her New Brunswick college stomping grounds and found herself in a land she’d only heard of. She was trusting that her contact would find her at the station—if anything about her going south went south, she’d abort the mission and head back to Metropolis.

But she had nothing to worry about. There she was, resplendent in pink scarf in the south New Jersey sunshine. The two met like old friends (part of their cover, should any evil forces be spying) and went off to an unmarked vehicle. The rest of the trip was smooth sailing.

The dynamic duo arrived in time for mingling with Jews amid books in the Braff-Gerber lobby of the Katz JCC, and spied their target, a lanky guy in his thirties with a somewhat-unruly mop of what a friend of Esther’s had once called “Jewish blond” hair. He would tell them all they needed to know. But first, Ginger had to calm down. “I love tall people, I can’t control myself!” she burst out. “Calm down,” said Esther soothingly, as they took their seats in the second row. “He’s going to start.”

After a brief introduction, Joshua Braff stepped to the podium. He spoke about the process of becoming a fiction writer, which began when he was living in Japan, teaching ESL, and during Yom Kippur services, his imagination imbued the Torahs with voices. The Torahs, he imagined, were talking to each other, wanting to be somewhere else. This was Josh’s first sign that he wanted to be somewhere else, and he began trying to get published in literary magazines. He found himself a mentor, and got an MFA “to justify my time in writing.” He set deadlines for himself, workshopped his stories with other writers, and finally published three short stories in national literary magazines. “You don’t know you’re in this business until someone says yes,” he recalled.

When Braff’s yes came, he began to mine his own truth: his experience in a Perth Amboy yeshiva followed by a move to South Orange proved fertile terrain for the work that became The Unthinkable Thoughts of Jacob Green. The eponymous hero, Jacob Green, according to his creator, “needs a hug very badly.” After years of yeshiva education he has been dropped into a public school environment. His father’s on his case to finish his bar mitzvah thank you notes and he’s in love with the non-Jewish babysitter who lives in his house.

The book, which is ultimately about Jewish family life in New Jersey, also delves into sexuality and coming-of-age issues, Judaism, family dynamics, fish-out-of-water reactions and provides a character study of narcissism, and portrays scenes from a troubled marriage. The Green pater familias, Abram Green, is the classic narcissist—his children are mere reflections of him; according to Braff, “their successes and failures belong to him.” The book also explains the Green Family rules, a series of italicized edicts that constitutes an internal Torah for the Green children—conveying the fire-and-brimstone message that the house rules are not to be violated: transgress these commandments, and thou shalt feel the wrath of thy creator.

Throughout, the tragedy of living in a family where the children are treated as offshoots of the father is undercut by epistolary interludes: in bar mitzvah thank-you notes and letters to his babysitter, Jacob Green’s teenage voice is clear, honest, and hilariously spot on, providing a voice for the protagonist’s “Unthinkable Thoughts.” Esther remembers having laughed heartily at some of these passages; when Braff performs them at the JCC, she hears her own laugh re-reverberating. Clearly, there’s comedy and performance in the Braff blood. She feels a kinship.

Braff continues to talk about his process: how he drew from truth to create an organic story, how he learned from editing one chapter how the next chapter was going to take shape, how he perceives relationships to be an endless well of writing fodder. All the while, Agent Ginger is spellbound, one can assume by the extreme tallness and talent of the artist.

Meanwhile, Esther is riveted to Braff’s process, looking for her own answers. Must she court literary journals and magazines like the New Yorker in addition to inappropriate singles from JDate and the Upper West Side? Must she go the MFA route? How can she translate her own experience into fiction without it becoming a memoir? How can she write a memoir without fictionalizing it to protect the innocent? Whatever her book is, she wants it to be funny because it’s true, and truthful because it’s funny. Lofty goals.

The event ends, and the crowd files back into the Braff-Gerber lobby for the book signing. While Braff signs her book, she gives him the highest compliment she can muster: “It really made me laugh.” He doesn’t understand then that those words, so simple, are high praise indeed. At least not now he doesn’t. But he will someday.

Click here to read Joshua Braff’s weblog.

NEW COLUMN: "THE MIDDOS TOUCH"

For those of you who don't know this, the word in Hebrew is "middot." But there's an Ashkenazi, more Yiddish-influenced accent that often renders it as "middos." (Just like "Shabbat" becomes "Shabbos." And so on...)

Of course, the pronunciation should be "mee-dos," and if you read the header correctly, "The Mee-dos Touch" doesn't seem to make as much sense. Plus, let's not even get into the whole "touching" issue, which is for another column (or in fact has already been the subject of a terrific Jewish Week article).

And, I put in a reference to the "meet-cute," which is a movie term for the device that gets the two leads together in romantic comedies, which was apparently changed to "meet cute people." Not exactly the same, but whatever. That's what we call "editorial privilege."

That said, I offer my latest Jewish Week singles column. First paragraph is below--to read the article in its entirety, click on the title below.

(11/17/2004)

The Middos Touch
Esther D. Kustanowitz

“I’m looking for a girl with good middos,” the yeshiva boys of my youth would say. The teachers beamed, proud that their students were looking for girls with strong values — family, respect, and modesty. Problem is, nine times out of 10, those boys were punning on the Hebrew word middot, which also translates as measurements — as in 36-24-36. They were looking for a woman with curves in all the right places, and none of the wrong ones. Hearing this, the girls experienced a nagging feeling, as clear as writing on a Babylonian wall, that they had been judged and had been found wanting.

I AM THE LORD OF THE RINGS

Personally, I thought I was a little less wordy. (I know: who'm I kidding?)

I found this quiz, "Which literature classic are you?", through my friends at Candied Ginger.

Won't it be interesting to find out which literature classics my readers "are"?



J.R.R. Tolkien: Lord of the Rings. You are
entertaining and imaginative, creating whole
new worlds around yourself. Well loved, you
have a whole league of imitators, none of which
is quite as profound as you are. Stories and
songs give a spark of joy in the middle of your
eternal battle with the forces of evil.

Which literature classic are you?
brought to you by Quzilla

THE WEEK IN RINGWALD

Because I consider myself a child of the 80s, and because John Hughes movies were responsible for nearly all the unrealistic expectations I had about both high school and romance, I feel it is my duty to bring you some Molly Ringwald related news.

Item #1: Molly Ringwald Becomes Orthodox
While I spent the better part of my modern Orthodox high school experience wanting to be Molly/Samantha/Claire/Andi, apparently the divine Miss R. has decided that a modern Orthodox life is worth living. With that guy who shtupped the pie in that movie.

From Playbill.com:
Molly Ringwald, Jason Biggs, Jenn Harris and Craig Bierko star in the Off-Broadway premeier of Daniel Goldfarb's Modern Orthodox, beginning previews November 11 at the 499-seat Dodger Stages at Worldwide Plaza. Opening night is scheduled for December 6. Tix: 212-239-6200.

Item #2: "Come on, Claire, answer the question!" "No! I never did it!"
This is not exactly about Molly. But it is an homage to the era, and one of the movies that made Molly famous.

Breakfast Club Parody Returns (when was it here the first time?) to Off-Broadway
You See Us As You Want to See Us...Reflections
The parody of the 80s flick performed at downtown New York City's Opaline this past summer. (Oh, I guess that's when it was here last time. Guess I missed it.) It now returns to Off-Broadway, playing the Kraine Theatre in the East Village Friday and Saturday nights, December 10-January 29. Previews are December 3-4. Tix are $25 ($20 for previews), via SmartTix at 212-868-4444, smarttix.com.

Anyone for a theater outing?

CAMPER GONE WILD

Way back in the day, I was a camp counselor at Camp Ramah in the Berkshires.

My second year on staff, when I was 19, I had a great edah (age group)...although I didn't know it at the time (because she was like 12), the girl who would become the woman who would become my sister-in-law was living in the bunk next door. But living in my bunk at the time was a great group of girls...including a girl who talked backwards. She showed an independent spirit (especially on Hippie Day, which was all about the counterculture) that was unusual for that age, and the backwards-talking thing was something we'd never seen (or heard) before.

That girl became the diva known simply as Bex. Or to you, More Bex Than at That Which Sticks Can Be Shook (aka Planet Bex). Her stardom will undoubtedly be enhanced by her appearance in the Battle of the Schwartzes feature in the new issue of Heeb.

But aside from this true milestone, I wanted to share with you a post that she wrote. In it, she wonders why there don't seem to be any Jewish sex symbols (and no, Paul Newman as Ari Ben Canaan in Exodus doesn't count):

I can't think of any sexy Jewesses in pop culture from my childhood and adolescence and I'm hard-pressed to find them now -- when we look to popular culture and the cult-of-personality to find our role models of the sexualized gaze, who do we see? skinny hipped, tiny nosed non-Jews. Where are the ladies with the hips? The thighs? The hair? They're not on the screen -- they're not celluloid idols (ha, more like cellulite idols, she quips wittily, like she was trained), so they're like the anti-idealized-Barbie and therefore the notion of the sexy-Jew becomes appealing to anti-establishment sorts of people.

(I found this especially interesting given the fact that I just wrote a singles column about Jewish girls and boys not being able to measure up to the expectations that they have of each other, and that this is in part due to the way singles life is depicted on television. I read Bex and heard echoes of myself.)

On her blog, long-linked to by me, she shares "Bex on Bad Girl Jews," an essay replete with references to both cable access porn and halakhah (Jewish law) that she wrote for Penthouse.com.

At the marriage between her humor/pop culture sensibility and her Jewish education, however secularized and potentially scandalous, how can an ex-counselor be anything but proud?

CONCEIVE...OR DIE!

Yeah, I know...I hope P.Diddy doesn't get involved in this one either...

Here's an interesting article from Salon by former Breakup Girl Lynn Harris about the new magazine somewhat-imperatively titled Conceive.

Someone interviewed for the article says that a magazine like this is a throwback, trying to take all the women and shove them back into the home-and-hearth roles they've left behind as women of the modern era. But having read one of the better infertility blogs out there, I have to say that clearly, there's a community that needs this magazine, if only to know that they are not the only ones in their pursuit of progeny.

Single me isn't subscribing. But there have been worse ideas for magazines, and (even not having read it yet) I don't think it's going to set feminism back. Truth is, women who want to conceive will buy it, read it, and glean what information they can. Women who don't want to conceive, or for whom this issue is simply not relevant, will just not buy it. That's the beauty of magazine subscriptions**--you don't have to get magazines you don't want to read.


*Do not go to breakupgirl.com. Unless you want porn. Then go right ahead!
**For the ugly side of magazine subscriptions, see here...

JTV TO BOW IN FEB 05, AND HAVE THEY CALLED?

For those of you wanting an update on my impending skyrocket to television comedy success, JTV still has not called me to write and star in my own show. But here's what they already have on their plate:

According to Odoner [JTV's founder], JTV will have a “real downtown, let-your-hair-down, urban feel,” which he describes as a mix between Fox News, Comedy Central, MTV and ESPN.

Oh, Mr. Odoner, my hair is already down. As far as downtown is concerned, having done work for Jewish organizations all over this fair city, I'm perfectly positioned even from the Upper West Side.

Shows in the works include: “Two Jews, Three Opinions,” a Jewish version of CNN’s debate show “Crossfire”; “Jewishly Incorrect,” which Odoner describes as “a borderline-edgy, comedic political commentary show”; Jewish televangelism, hosted by a hip and provocative Gen-X rabbi, and “Genesis 9:0,” a Bible-based quiz show.

Good luck finding that hip and provocative Gen-X rabbi who's endorsed by and tolerant of all the Jewish denominations. I have a few suggestions, if they'd ever call me.

Also in development are “Nice Jewish Boyz,” a Jewish version of Comedy Central’s “The Man Show” that Odoner hopes will “smash the myth of the over-mothered Jewish male”; a music-video show hosted by Juliette Powell, a host and producer on MuchMusic; reality-based shows; biographies and documentaries from Israel, and a videotaped version of the ABC-syndicated radio show “The John Batchelor Show,” which boasts millions of listeners coast to coast and covers an array of topics from the war on terror and the economy to Hollywood politicos and planetary exploration.

Nice, but not surprising, that the women's demographic seems to have been left out. "Nice Jewish Boyz," which I initially thought was about boys who couldn't spell (too many JDate profiles for me), may work. But I'm not sure about the angle. How are you going to smash the myth of the over-mothered Jewish male when it's not a myth? Unless this turns into Springer, where Jewish mothers come on the show with their prodigal sons and berate them for not calling, I really don't understand the concept.

Where's Jewish Lifetime Television for Women? Or "No Premarital Sex and the City"? Where's our Jewish female talk show host to come home to and our must-see sitcoms about living single and Jewish in New York City?

I'll tell you. JTV: I've got your Oprah right here. Call it Urban Kvetch Live. I'll start a book club. I'll give away cars. I'll borrow from Ellen's zaniness (I'll dance over from the monologue set) and Ope's sensitivity. I'll interview celebrities, review plays, and do karaoke in whatever time slot I'm given. I'll cover Judaism, contemporary trends and culture. My show will become the place to be...people will line up around the block to sit in the studio audience (unless it's too cold outside--what, you want they should freeze?).

Or, we could do a sitcom. Call it what you will..."Esther and the City," "Esther, Queen of New York," "The Book of Esther," "Members of the Tribe," "Kustano-what?" Writer, series regular, special guest star status...Basically, I'm open.

I've got what you're looking for--all you've got to do is ask (and offer an attractive salary and medical benefits package).

Interested JTV executives should contact my representation. Thank you for your consideration.

WAVE OF THE COMEDY FUTURE

No, not me. Well...maybe me. But in this particular case, the "new wave" is going to be the return of the comedy duo. Don't think Sandler & Schneider, but more along the lines of Burns & Allen, Abbott and Costello, Laurel & Hardy, etc.

Or at least so says Lawrence Epstein in an interview with [don't laugh, New Yorkers] Cleveland.com.

Laughing matters to Epstein, an English professor and lecturer on popular culture, and he takes it seriously. He just wrote "Mixed Nuts," a book summed up in its subtitle: "America's Love Affair With Comedy Teams from Burns & Allen to Belushi & Aykroyd." "I wrote the book because I missed them," he said. "I wanted to celebrate their careers and introduce them to people who hadn't heard of them before they're completely forgotten" - acts like Weber & Fields, the vaudeville duo whose routines were echoed, if not copied, by Laurel and Hardy and Abbott and Costello.

Part of me likes to know this "history of comedy" stuff--I think studying the forms and trends of comedy past is vital to creating an informed, nuanced comedy presence in the present. But then, whenever someone announces that a professor has something to say about it, I can't help it... another part of me yawns. It's an involuntary response, I'm sure. Like a mild allergy to academic study; instead of a sneeze, it's a yawn. Hmm. Maybe that's worth an academic study. [Yawn.]

ANTHONY STEWART HEAD GIVES GOOD BRITISHISM

This from an interview with Anthony Stewart Head (Rupert "Ripper" Giles, from the late Buffy the Vampire Slayer).

When asked how his current acting gig differs from working on Buffy, he says:
"Horses for different courses really."

I dig that phrase, people.

Plus, he indicates that the idea for a "Ripper" TV movie is not a dead deal. (How cool would that be? The possibilities are endless. More musical episodes, anyone?)

ASH explains:
Joss still wants to do something. It may end up as a two hour film as part of a series of films about various characters. He wants to do something with Spike and maybe with Xander. He still wants to shoot it but the world needs Joss Whedon to do some movies and that's what he's doing.

I guess Joss saves the world. A lot.

Via Whedonesque, which always provides way more Joss, Buffy and Angel news than I ever thought I needed.

PSA: URBAN LEGENDS

[Dude, I am so doing everything but my immediate assignment right now. But I felt I had to do this. ]

America, the NEA is not canceling funding for PBS and Sesame Street. This is an issue from 1996.

Penny Brown is NOT missing.

Dr. W. David Hager has already been appointed to the FDA committee, and he does not deny birth-control prescriptions to unmarried women.

A girl probably did not freeze her naked ass to her date's car on their first date.

And here's why internet petitions are a waste of your time.

Please, do us all a favor. Before you forward a petition, an email that claims to be able to "track" results, or anything else, please check Snopes' Urban Legends page. They have a search engine that's very good, and if you don't find a rumor on their site, ask them to investigate it.

But above all, I beg of you, do not forward things to all of your friends and acquaintances until you determine that the email is factual.

Thank you.

LESSONS I HAVE LEARNED FROM COMEDY CENTRAL

LESSON #1
Just because your animated show gets an F from Entertainment Weekly doesn't mean it won't be picked up for a second season.

DRAWN TOGETHER picked up for season #2

LESSON #2
If the authors of said animated show themselves can't believe they got away with creating the show, it will be picked up for another 15 episodes.

"We're astonished that Comedy Central wants more of these things," [the show's creators] say in a statement. "We didn't even think they wanted the ones they have now. Amazing."

LESSON #3
America loves reality shows. Even if it's a completely concocted, animated parody of reality shows.

The decision to pick up the show wasn't a tough one, as early episodes have shown strong ratings. In its first two weeks, "Drawn Together" has averaged 2.3 million viewers, many of whom are in the network's core audience of men ages 18-49.

LESSON #4
SOUTH PARK rules.

The Nov. 3 episode was the No. 2 show on cable that night among adults 18-49, behind only its lead-in, "South Park.""Drawn Together's" second season is scheduled to unspool in fall 2005 and will include a "reunion special" among its 15 episodes.

Esther's review? Not quite an F.

DRAWN TOGETHER is actually pretty funny, but is not for the squeamish. Episodes feature things that are both as randomly funny as they are repulsive, like a pig defecating into a canteloupe for no apparent reason. OK, so that wasn't really funny. But for fans of The Real World, or for those who love to hate it, this shows plays adeptly with the cliches in a way that offends many as it entertains. Just as with South Park (which, by the way, rules) there's no propriety here. But without any rules, the bedlam is unfettered and unchaperoned, which turns out to be a good thing. (And isn't that what drew people to the "seven people living in a house" concept to begin with?)

All the reality stereotypes are exploited along with the archetypes that we've all seen in cartoons from Superman to He-Man, from Cinderella to Pokemon. It's tempting to read it as a satirical critique on our reality-obsessed culture, but to do so, I think, would be reading into what is supposed to be straight-up, no-holds-barred parody.

Enjoy it, or don't. How does that sound?

THIS FISH NEEDS A BOOK CONTRACT

I've said it before. This Fish needs a book contract, but don't we all.

At least, her piece in tomorrow's Sunday's Styles section of the New York Times is a good start. I mean, there are tons of good writers out there who haven't managed to place anything in the NY Times (despite several promising leads at the Magazine).

Mazal tov, Heather honey!

ESTHER'S IN THE TOP 51!

A list of Top 50 Jewish Americans, and Esther/Madonna's at nunber 51!

A couple of notes:
1. Madonna herself, though she's a Detroit native, has been living in England with husband Guy Ritchie and her two kids, Lourdes/Lola (Liora) and Rocco (Reuel)*. Her Anglophilia is to such an extent that she often pontificates in an (inauthentic) British accent, tainted by her midwestern roots, and filtered through Catholicism. Which leads me to my next point...
2. Madonna's not Jewish. (But I am...I'm just sayin'...)

Jon Stewart's at #5. In case you forgot, My Urban Kvetch hearts Jon Stewart. (But not in that way, Mrs. Stewart. The Urban Kvetch Bloggerette has agreed to the terms of that restraining order you served on her, so no worries.)

For what it's worth, I also interviewed listee Rabbi Sharon Brous, age 30, when she was a student at JTS. She's a remarkably passionate woman and committed Jew, who ranks under the heading of "Spirit," and is starting a new synagogue in Los Angeles. L.A. Urban Kvetch affiliates...check it out and send me your reports...

The list, though interesting, is nothing revolutionary. If you read any of the NY Jewish papers or have ever worked at Jewish non-profit organizations, you'll recognize many of the same old names. I prefer the list that the Jewish Week did last year or the year before, where there was a list of "up-and-comers" in their twenties and thirties. That reveals much more about the state of Judaism in America, I think. That's the future you're looking at.

One more question: Ou sont les bloggers Juives dans la liste? Je ne sais quoi. Mai je ne parle pas Francais bien. Et vous?

*Hebrew names are conjecture. But let's face it. I'm probably right.

"DRY BONES" CARTOONIST FIGHTS ANTI-SEMITISM WITH HUMOR

Ya'akov Kirschen, the cartoonist behind the renowned "Dry Bones" strip in the Jerusalem Post, announces his new project in an article by Sue Fishkoff (who I just met on Sunday at my AJPA Workshop) in the JTA:

The artist has formed a nonprofit organization called The Dry Bones Project to combat the “lies and ugliness” of anti-Semitism through humor...

“We want to use every kind of humor to carry this out,” he declares. “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if people started telling jokes like, ‘Two anti-Semites were on a train…’ ”

For more information, click here.

HISTORY LESSON: THE GROUNDLINGS

Julia Sweeney was an accountant. Cheri Oteri was a member of A&M's publishing staff. That is, before they found the Groundlings, a renowned Los Angeles improv troupe that has churned out such comedy luminaries as Phil Hartman, Laraine Newman, Lisa Kudrow and Mindy Sterling (Frau Farbisseneh, anyone?)

Well, the Groundlings have turned 30, and Arriviste Press has a great article on the history of the troupe.

Laughing on Solid Ground

What? You've never taken improv? You should. I'm an improv fundamentalist: I think everyone should study improv, at least for a few hours. It is the light and the resurrection, and the rock of ages, and my own personal Zion, and--oh, never mind.

But seriously, take improv.

DUDE, HERE'S MY APPRENTICE ARTICLE!

And now, from the "BetterLateThanNever" Department...my newest article, an interview with Stacy R., a former member of The Apprentice cast, is now online. Beware the giant picture of my head that's running alongside the web version. (I assure you, that photo is not an accurate depiction of my noggin, which is neither that large nor that grainy in real life.)

You've been warned. Do not look directly at my headshot. Looking directly at said enormous headshot may cause temporary blindness and fear of freelancers. And yet, enjoy the article. You'e complex readers. You'll figure it out. Thank you.

Post-Reality Reality
by Esther D. Kustanowitz

MADONNEWS CENTER UPDATE 3*

This isn't exactly breaking news anymore, but it has been so long since I had a good Madonna story to sink my creative teeth into...

Madonna took time out of her spiritual journey, to film the 30 second ad for the Ministry of Tourism, which will debuted at the World Tourism Fair in London next week. According to Israeli news site haaretz.com, Madonna assures audiences the country is a safe place to visit.

While the images remain classified, the team of reporters at My Urban Kvetch has obtained an exclusive look at the script for the proposed ad campaign:

[MADONNA, DRESSED ONLY IN AN ISRAELI FLAG DESIGNED BY JEAN PAUL GAUTHIER, LOOKS PLAINTIVELY INTO THE CAMERA AND BEGINS TO SING A CAPPELLA (to the tune of "Like a Prayer"):]

Israel is history
No one here can be alone
I'm in Jerusalem
and it feels like...home...

[MUSIC STARTS, DANCE BEAT. MADONNA DROPS FLAG TO REVEAL A YARMULKEBRA-BUSTIER WITH JEWISH STARS EMBLAZONED ON THE CUPS.]

CHORUS:
I'm in Is-ra-el, I love Kabbalah
Things are going well, got my bracelet on
Now the party starts, I'm breaking Jewish hearts
Here we don't eat pork; it's safer than New York...

Like a dream I had of being British
and so I spoke just like a Brit
(not like Britney)
Catholic is what my mother made me
But kosher is what I've become--let the Pope scream

CHORUS:
I'm in Is-ra-el, I love Kabbalah
Things are going well, got my bracelet on
Now the party starts, I'm breaking Jewish hearts
Here we don't eat pork; it's safer than New York...

Guy Ritchie is my man,
Wears kippot when he can,
Our children stay amused
they also stay confused--
don't point or stare,
when I am standing there
God always sees
the ultra-mega-Jewish me
The ultra-Jewish me-hee-hee,
Come and see...

[CHEESY ISRAELI VOICEOVER:]
Come to Israel. We'll make you feel like a rock star.



*This post inspired by my friends at Jewlicious...

DUDE, WHERE'S MY APPRENTICE ARTICLE?

So, despite appearing in this week's paper, the URL of my new singles article (Post-Reality Reality, an interview with Stacy Rotner from The Apprentice) is still AWOL. But if you're a hardcore fan (of either The Apprentice or of me), you can track down a print copy of the article; the Jewish Week is available on some NYC newsstands, particularly on the Upper West Side.

If they ever post the article online, I'll post the URL here. Thanks for your support!

ELIZABETH EDWARDS

Elizabeth Edwards has breast cancer. It's beatable, the doctors say, but still...

UPN, MEADOW SOPRANO, SITCOM CLICHES AND ME

In one of my media news bulletins this morning came this development news:

UPN is developing a new project based on the website www.VivianLives.com which chronicles the day-in and day-out life of a 20-something career woman in NYC, written by author Sherrie Krantz. Probable star for the project is Sopranos' Jamie-Lynn Scala, so says Hollywood Reporter. --Cynopsis.com

Maybe it's just jealousy speaking, but personally, I don't see why this site is any more worthy of a TV project than any of our sites. (Smitten? This Fish? Ari Goes Down? Superjux? C? Annabel Lee? Um, me?) And Meadow? Please. What are they hoping for? The new "Sex and the City"? But on UPN? Oh, the humanity.

Here comes the rant you've been waiting for. (Or dreading.) What America needs is not the redundant worship of another skinny, midriff-baring, single twentysomething. (Is she an editor at a fabulous magazine, where she is initially spurned by a haughty editor, only to be taken under said editor's wing and nurtured to great success? Will there be a jaunty theme song about living on her own, by her own rules? A sassy best friend? The hot Jordan Catalano-type guy who's always out of reach? A revolving door on her bedroom for easy-on-the-eyes male guest stars?)

There should be some sort of PAC to protest this kind of show. You know, a group with the political starpower and passion of PETA, but with the credibility of Consumer Reports. We need an academic study, maybe spearheaded by the Ms. Foundation, about the fact that shows like these breed unrealistic expectations of young single women, and even more unrealistic expectations of slightly older single women. The study, in an ideal world would denounce these shows for objectifying women, and for creating the expectation in men that they all "deserve" a hot, skinny girl who's all about couture.

Of course, not all skinny women are evil. As the rewritten cliche goes, "some of my best friends are skinny." (OK, one of them.) IMHO, women with nuance, character depth, intelligence, personality, sense of humor, curves, who live their lives in a tiny studio and cheap, comfortable shoes, are a lot more interesting.

Of course, I have to believe this for myself--if my future success as a writer/performer/whatever relies on my ability to magically become a size 6 and learn to walk in four-inch heels, I might as well choose welfare now.

But I have to believe that America believes in women like me. It's just hard to fully believe in the inherent equality of American culture when shows like these permeate pop culture and the public consciousness. Especially in this City, when I'm surrounded by the higher-maintenance, the higher-income, the higher-cheekboned, and the higher-heeled.

Sometimes, it's easier to believe. On stage, or here, in the blog-bosom of my online family, I'm transported. I am the essence of me. And she's all optimism about inner truth, and inner beauty, shining through. Even if couture doesn't come in her size.

MATING SEASON

It was in the air last night, crisp like wind, an apple, starched shirts, vodka on the rocks.

The atmosphere chilled to the perfect temperature. As sun sets, the breeze doesn’t so much increase as it does intensify, deepening until it begins an almost ungentle assault on skin. Symbols of the seasons palpably intertwine to convey the distinct impression that it's a renewal moment. We bid adieu to what is no longer in our control. Out of our hands, beyond us, yet because of us, some sort of cycle is about to begin all over again. In these autumn months we seek the company of others, and walk toward companionship, if only to keep us warm, as chill sets up shop and prepares for winter.

As we shift like seasons within our lives, we wish for discernment, for a chemistry both potent and proper, mellifluous and meaningful. We add extra layers to protect ourselves against a coming frost.

You’d call them winds of change, if they weren’t so familiar, so unimaginably same.

REALITY TV:BUSH :: SCRIPTED SHOW:KERRY

Does the return of scripted television shows like Lost and Desperate Housewives herald a political change? Perhaps, says Jeremy Dauber in the Christian Science Monitor in an interesting opinion piece.

Props to JD for invoking Star Wars in the title, "A New Hope," for having conducted a seminar comparing the works of Isaac Bashevis Singer to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and for surviving our high school. Not that he was worried, he's dang smart. That is, if he's the same JD, and I think he is...

Maybe now he'll start reading my blog.

CIVIC DUTY, DONE

Rising reluctant in morning
I ventured forth.

Swirling among My Fellow Americans
Joining the queue of the enfranchised
I immersed myself in a metropolitan Salad Bowl
of people who were all the same because we were all different.

Lines at the polls move quicker than I do in the morning.
But so do most things. Like snails, and turtles, and magma.

There are those who would ask my inclination,
my party affiliation. And to those I would reply:

My choice was simple.
I voted for an end to the salacious sniping,
an end to the constant coverage.
I voted for new news stories, for my reunion
with friends whose political affiliations differ,
for the future, whatever it may hold.

My flicking of levers in voting booths
(themselves just a smidge smaller than my apartment)
is America in action, makes me a member
of a better city, of a greater populace.

I acted.
I chose.
I flexed my political bicep.
I opted in.
I surmised.
I estimated.
I engaged in the Democratic process.
I renewed my commitment to America.
I raised my voice.

I voted. Did you?

I AM SO DESTINED FOR L&O

OK, God. I get it. Clearly I'm supposed to be on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. Not only did the show inspire a post last week, but today, another sign.

SCENE: An Upper West Side branch of Commerce Bank.

[A tired, but clearly attractive, writer enters the ATM vestibule and approaches a cash machine. Punching several buttons, she realizes that the machine is not dispensing cash. She moves over to the other line, explaining to the woman behind her that the machine is broken.

Minutes pass. It is the writer's turn at the working ATM. She makes a deposit and is about to make a withdrawal, when a man at the back of the line speaks up.]

MAN: I guess that one's not working?
[A long silence as no one answers him. WRITER, mid-transaction, responds.]
WRITER: Well, it's kind of working. But it's not dispensing cash, which is kind of why we come here, so...

[She had thought it was funny. But still, silence as customers wait on line. WRITER finishes her transactions, and steps away from the machine. She walks to a bench and rests her bag on it, while she puts away her money and receipts and instantly recognizes the MAN on line. She approaches him.]

WRITER: Excuse me, Mr. Belzer.
RICHARD BELZER: Yes.
WRITER: I just wanted to say that I'm a big fan of your work on SVU.
RICHARD BELZER: Thanks.
WRITER: I watch it everyday.
RICHARD BELZER: Thanks a lot.

[WRITER emerges from bank and congratulates herself for not endlessly babbling to Richard Belzer the way she had to Matthew Perry that time near Central Park. Then she starts thinking about all the signs that have pointed her toward a guest spot on SVU. She determines that if she receives one more sign, she will put in a call to Wolf Films and Lynn Kressel Casting.]

END SCENE

ELECTION NIGHT MADNESS!

(Democracy+cocktails=Democktails?)

Vote, drink, stay up too late, and regret it all the next morning. The folks at Gothamist have collected some resources for you crazy kids who like a little drinkie with your democracy.

Gothamist's favorite drink special is at Otto's Shrunken Head: a free shot for every state Kerry wins, and open bar if Bush wins.

My plans include a JDate, The Daily Show's Jon Stewart and his team of merry men (and woman) from 10-11 for the live Indecision 2004: Prelude to a Recount special, and then regretting everything the next morning. Except The Daily Show. No regrets there.

TRUMP AND ESTHER

[At least I got your attention, didn't I?]

Coming soon to My Urban Kvetch and JDaters Anonymous via my singles column in The New York Jewish Week, my interview with former Apprentice cast member and fellow Manhattan SJF Stacy Rotner.

This makes two notches in my belt of reality TV interviews. (Remember Adam Mesh?)

Of course, who knows if the reality TV belt will still be in fashion in five minutes. Maybe I should rely on the opinions of the "Gal Pal" team, from Bravo's new show, Queer Eye for the Straight Girl...

Stay tuned...great things are a-coming.

CHRIS NOTH RETURNS

I just read in EW that original Jerry Orbach partner Chris Noth will be returning to Law & Order for a series of up to three movies...perhaps he'd care to join the cast for "my episode"? I'll have to shuffle around some story elements in the "Esther" and "Detective Stabler" storyline, but it might be worth it for all parties...

OPPOSITE OF NATIONAL CELIBACY DAY?

Votergasm.org was launched on September 4 by recent graduates of Columbia, Harvard, and University of Wisconsin-Madison. The site asks visitors to sign the Votergasm Pledge to have sex with a voter on election night—and withhold sex from non-voters for the next four years. In addition, it provides tools to organize election-night Votergasm parties and features erotic pictorial guides to activities such as requesting an absentee ballot.

Not quite the opposite of National Celibacy Day, I guess, since this is non-partisan. But it definitely links sex (and the abstention of/withholding from sex) with voting. Which is interesting, I guess--but it's obviously not for everyone.

So, as with the voting process itself, you have a choice:

National Celibacy Day (Democrats only)

Votergasm (for every voter who wants to have his or her ballot punched)

[Sorry. Couldn't resist it.]

THE FRIGHTENING

Thanks to Jack over at his shack for inspiring this foray into the fearful.

A short list in no particular order, from the no-brainer serious ones to the funnier, more tongue-in-cheek entries, of things that frighten me...

• The Shining
• when my friend bit my face right after we saw Silence of the Lambs
• that one photo over at JDate (you ladies know the one I mean)
• Britney Spears' wedding photos
• crashing airplanes (blame 9/11, that plane that crashed into a Queens neighborhood, and Donnie Darko)
• the morning I woke up with curly hair (it's straight, usually--oh the horror!)
• that I'll carry a credit card debt forever
• walking from the subway to my apartment at 3:30 am on a Saturday night because the boys I was with didn't walk me home
• slow dances at weddings
• that I'll never have a wedding
• that Scream mask
• that I'll run out of ideas for my column
• that something bad will happen to my brothers, parents or friends
• finding a hair in food I didn't make
• Ben Affleck's career
• that by the time I get married, I won't be able to have children
• bad spelling
• that this blog will crash and I'll lose all the creative efforts I've logged since February
• getting trapped on the subway during a blackout (check)
• that something will happen to me while I'm without health insurance
• that the family members of the mice that were in my old apartment seven years ago will track me down in my newer apartment and perpetrate a plot of rodential revenge
• Macaulay Culkin
• Renee Zellweger's scrunchy eyes
• that I'll never achieve the fame and happiness I deserve
• that I'll achieve the fame and happiness I deserve

There are probably more. Some I won't cop to in print or to myself. But these are the ones on my mind today...even if it's already TMI.

Share with me, won't you? What scares the bejeezus out of you?

SPOOKY...

...that it took a lunar eclipse (at the end of October) to break the curse of the Bambino and give the Red Sox their first win since 1910...

Halloween, anyone?

NON-PARTISAN FUN, TAKE 2

[Blogger is not my friend this morning. But I shall persevere! Thank you for your patience.]

Try this...because it's always fun to give the President a makeover.

My suggestion? Try the "evil eyes," they're excellent.

I HEART SOUTH PARK

After the all-too-real political situations of The West Wing—not to mention the surreal and upsettingly vitriolic world of actual politics--it’s a pleasure to watch South Park’s little animated characters conduct their campaigns for a new school mascot. (WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD)

The choices? In one corner, Giant Douche. In the other, Turd Sandwich. (It took me a minute to extrapolate the metaphor I had hoped would be in the season premiere of the irreverent series…) The process gets speared too…like voter registration drives designed to get people to vote for their candidate, vote campaigns organized by certain hip-hop moguls that threaten “Vote or Die.” And when one citizen (deciding that he cannot choose one candidate over the other because they both suck) decides not to vote at all, he is tied to the back of a horse with a bucket on his head and banished from South Park entirely. And if you think PETA activist French kissing a llama has nothing to do with doing your civic duty, you’d be wrong.

The greater lesson? Nearly every election since the beginning of time has been between a Giant Douche and a Turd Sandwich…

Who ever said television wasn't educational?



[And in case I haven't mentioned it yet today, I can't wait for this election to be over.]

THE WEST WING

For the first time since its cancellation, I'm glad Angel isn't on anymore. Now, I can get back to the West Wing, the show that even further confuses my understanding of today's politics.

What with the presence of Josh Malina, peace talks between Palestinians and Israelis, and Shabbat dinner with the President, watching this whole season's a goshdarned mitzvah. Jewish, and not watching? Bad Jew.

Is it too late to vote for President Bartlet?

LAW & ORDER: RANDOM CAMEOS GONE WILD

I'm very fond of "gone wild." I think I shall use it often.

Last night was Random Cameo Night on Law & Order. Kevin Smith shows up as “Guy Who Moves Boxes in Warehouse,” and Darrell Hammond portrayed “Smarmy Kiddie Porn Guy.” I’m pretty sure they were both on SVU, but Kevin Smith might have been on the original.

So many actors have cycled in and out of L&O franchises over the years. I keep waiting for the time when I flip on USA or (the Drama of) TNT and find that unbeknownst to the apparently somnambulant me, I too have been on a L&O episode.

What was my role? It probably went something like this.

ESTHER'S CAMEO ON LAW AND ORDER, TAKE ONE

AUDIO: GUNK GUNK [the trademark L&O sound]

GRAPHIC: Upper West Side, 4:45 pm

STABLER: [Knocking at the door] Open up, ma’am, police.

ESTHER: Police? What’s going on?

BENSON: We’re investigating a serious crime. Have you seen anything unusual?

ESTHER: Not really.

STABLER: Did you hear anything out of the ordinary?

ESTHER: No.

BENSON: What about David Greenberg, from down the hall, did you know him?

ESTHER: We said hi a few times. He was cute, but nothing came of it. Sorry I can’t help.

STABLER: Thank you.

[Boooorrring. “Get me rewrite!”]

ESTHER'S CAMEO ON LAW AND ORDER, TAKE TWO

AUDIO: GUNK GUNK [the trademark L&O sound]

GRAPHIC: Upper West Side, 4:45 pm

STABLER: [Knocking at the door] Open up, ma’am, police.

ESTHER: I’ll open up, just don’t call me ma’am. I’m not old enough to be a ma’am. Police? What’s going on?

BENSON: We’re investigating a serious crime. Have you seen anything unusual?

ESTHER: Not really. Oh wait, the sign over Deli Kasbah’s a little strange.

STABLER: Deli Kasbah…is that Moroccan?

ESTHER: It’s Messianic, I think. [a beat] Deli Kasbah’s around the corner. It’s a kosher restaurant, and they show videos of the Lubavitcher Rebbe while you eat your pastrami burger.

BENSON: That is unusual. We should investigate it.

ESTHER: You think that’s strange, the sign over the restaurant’s in French, and promises diners an “advance taste of Messianic meat.”

BENSON: Sounds like a homicidal threat.

ESTHER: And they quote from Psalms: “And bulls shall be offered.”

STABLER: So they’re religious fanatics, too. I’m calling for backup.

ESTHER: No need. I was joking. Sigh. I forgot that you cops aren’t big on sense of humor.

STABLER: That’s right. We’re serious. Belzer’s the comic relief. Did you hear anything out of the ordinary?

ESTHER: I guess you don’t mean that my downstairs neighbor-slash-wannabe rock star has switched to a more powerful amplification system? Then that would be a no.

BENSON: What about David Greenberg, from down the hall, did you know him?

ESTHER: Which David Greenberg? There are two on this floor, and three more on 5, 9 and 12. This is the Upper West Side: you can’t fling a Metrocard without hitting a David Greenberg.

STABLER: This particular David Greenberg is about my height and build. [He flexes his biceps, and pivots to give her a good look.]

ESTHER: [Stares longingly at Detective Stabler.]

BENSON: Ms. Kanstandovits? Do you know the Greenberg we mean?

ESTHER: Sorry, I was [pauses] distracted. Yeah, I knew David. We said hi a few times. He was cute, but nothing came of it. He’s real shy, and kept to himself most of the time. I used to see his mail…tons of internet magazines. I think he was some sort of programming genius. Is he in some kind of trouble?

BENSON: You could say that. He’s been harassing Jewish women all over town via a popular Internet dating service.

STABLER: His profile name is “KingofJDate,” ever hear of him?

ESTHER: Oh please, as if I’d click on anyone whose profile name proclaimed him a monarch of a kingdom no one wants to be in to begin with…

BENSON: That’s a no, then?

ESTHER: Well, I’ve never clicked on him. But I know people who have clicked on that name. He kept sending them instant messages that had no discernible purpose or content. That was David Greenberg? His picture looks nothing like the David Greenberg I knew. Just goes to prove the old saying, “Cute in real life, freak on the internet.”

STABLER: I’m not familiar with that one.

ESTHER: [smitten] I know you’re not, Detective. But believe me, it’s true.

BENSON: Can you provide us with contact information for the women who have been harassed?

ESTHER: I can give you a few names. But what you should really do is ask the company to provide you with their records. I guarantee that this is a much more widespread problem than just the handful of people I’m aware of.

STABLER: [to Benson] I still think we should check out that potential Moroccan terrorist cell.

ESTHER: Terrorist cell? Oh, you mean Deli Kasbah. They’re totally legit. A little weird, sure, but that doesn’t make them terrorists.

STABLER: Fair enough. Maybe I’ll pick up a sandwich instead.

BENSON: Thank you, ma’am. You’ve been very helpful.

ESTHER: [glares] I told you, don’t ma’am me. We’re the same age. But I have a question for you? Is this really today’s top priority for SVU?

STABLER: Oh, we’re not SVU anymore.

BENSON: We’re heading up the newest division of the NYPD. A special Jewish unit.

COMMERCIAL BREAK: PROMO FOR NEW SERIES

V.O.—This season, join Detectives Stabler and Benson for the greatest challenge of their careers.

They battle interdenominational sniping, break up rumbles at Jewish singles events, and sniff out the copepods in tap water, as members of New York’s newest elite fighting squad.

LAW & ORDER: Special Jewish Unit. Coming soon to NBC.

Then to USA. Then to TNT.

GRAPHIC:
LAW & ORDER: SJU.

AUDIO:
[GUNK, GUNK.]

PURIM V. HALLOWEEN

Four years ago, I wrote a piece comparing Purim and Halloween for Gen-X webzine Generation J...

I always remember to resurrect this article for Purim, but I always forget 'round Halloween.

A taste of the candy in your plastic pumpkin that contains this article:

Recently, someone asked me whether I liked Purim better than Halloween. It seemed like such an odd question; the holidays had been so distinctly incomparable in my mind. But upon consideration, perhaps because my name is Esther, perhaps because of my Jewish background, I would have to say that Purim unequivocally kicks Halloween's rump. Of course, I am slightly biased: If Halloween featured a Queen Esther, I might be inclined to change my preference. But I doubt it.

Check it out here: Purim and Halloween: An Ideological Face-Off.

BREAKFAST OF TROJANS

This is officially my favorite story of the day. Nothing can top this. Except maybe a nice cream cheese frosting. Or some spermicide.

A young Manhattan woman split open her breakfast muffin — only to find what seemed to be a condom baked inside.

That's right! A writer at MTV Networks had eaten nearly half her carrot-nut, cream-cheese topped muffin, before she found the offending piece of latex. Although most likely, it is the tip of a sterile glove that was worn by a bakery worker, The New York Post, God bless 'em, decided it was a condom.

My prediction: Within two months, everyone at her office is calling her "Muffin."

And, as a special PSA to my MTVN readers, I want to tell you that this occurrence transpired in the 50th Street building. So, Bex, brother Simmy, and my colleagues in the MTVN Creative Services department need not worry. The Lodge is still as safe as it ever was. For whatever that's worth...

JEWISH CONFERENCE ALERT!

Now that the holidays are over, we Jews just don’t know what to do with ourselves! So we have professional workshops and conferences, to keep ourselves busy and so that we can keep playing Jewish geography with new and exciting people.

Toward this goal, and because nobody's asked me to attend UJC's General Assembly, I’ve registered for one of each…maybe you’ll join me!

THIS SUNDAY...October 31, Lishmah Day of Jewish Learning
http://www.lishmah.org/ to register and for complete program

By creating an extraordinary one-day experience for Jews from across social, political, and denominational lines, Lishmah aims to inspire a revival in Jewish learning that touches the entire community. Choose from over 100 different workshops, film screenings, discussion groups, lectures, and panel discussions. Discover the biblical prophecy of Moses and the prophetic rock & roll of Bob Dylan. Listen to the exotic voices of Sephardic song and the joyful sounds of klezmer. Unearth the mystical teachings of Kaballah and engage in feminist readings of the stories of Rachel and Ruth. Explore the ways in which Jewish text and tradition relate to contemporary issues ranging from the environment to reproductive rights to tabloid gossip to the war on terrorism.

November 7-8, American Jewish Press Association’s Freelancers’ Workshop

AJPA's first ever Freelance Workshop is a seminar in Manhattan, featuring a variety of experts to sharpen your writing, researching and marketing skills. I'm not sure if registration's still open, but check it out at: http://www.ajpa.org/

SNL AND "WHAT THE HELL?"

Apparently, we've discovered a new law of SNL. Either that, or maybe I'm overreacting when I say "What the hell?"

SNL Law #53 (often referred to as "the Jude Law")
Any episode starring Jude Law must possess bizarre sketches starring bears ("Bear City") and screw up one of the musical sequences, causing musical guest Ashlee Simpson (also known as "the brunette one") to do a hoedown to the pre-recorded vocals of the song she had already sung earlier in the show. Then, during closing credits, said lesser Simpson must apologize to the hordes in the television audience and blame it on her band for playing the wrong intro.

Poor Ashlee. First, she has to be the brunette. Then her boyfriend breaks up with her. Now this. You know that her manager, who is also her father, is going to give her a talking to on this one.

And poor me. Now I must erase the memory of having witnessed "The Jude Law" so I can sleep. How shall I achieve this? What would Brian Boitano do? Ah, yes...ask, and ye shall receive from Comedy Central...an airing of "South Park: Bigger Longer and Uncut"...

(How many times do I have to see this movie before it stops being funny? So hilarious...)

KINDRED SPIRIT

Ladies and gentlebloggers,

I am pleased to announce that I have found a kindred writer/funnychick spirit in Wendy Shanker. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who digitally inserts celebrities into her social life. This piece, Ladies Night, appeared in Bust Magazine.

Hope you enjoy it--I wish I had written it! But I didn't. But I did write these oldies but goodies for you to enjoy.

Madonnanthology
Law & Order: SJU
Banking with Belzer
Friends

YUM, MORE DELICIOUS LOCUSTS

According to this CNN article, the best way to eat locusts is raw. And, the article continues, it is "essential to cook the insects while alive as otherwise they become bitter." ("And now, [Mr. Bond] you will be BOILED ALIVE!!! Mwah hahahahahah!")

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

Yum. Delicious locusts. [Gag.]

Or, as my mother wrote to me yesterday, quite hilariously: "SWAT. crunch crunch crunch. Burp."

YUM, DELICIOUS LOCUSTS

It's not just a plague, it's pareve!

Thanks to Ha'aretz for breaking this crunchy, slightly nausea-inducing story.

Nutritious and Delicious, But Are They Kosher?

"Of these you may eat any kind of locust, katydid, cricket or grasshopper." (Leviticus 11:22).

Rabbis through the ages have never argued against locusts being kosher; they have only debated whether what we call locusts today were the locusts of the Bible.

Dr. Zohar Amar, head of the Land of Israel Studies department at Bar Ilan University, notes that Jews as well as other peoples in the Near East liked their locusts. "Texts tell how top-quality locusts were brought to Sennacherib on skewers," Amar noted.

However, as time went on, Ashkenazi rabbis began to exclude locusts from Jewish diets because of the difficulty of ascertaining whether they were the same creatures the Bible had permitted. In Yemen and North Africa, however, Jewish communities continued to enjoy locusts.It was not until the 17th century that Moroccan sage Rabbi Haim Ben Attar forbid his flock from eating locusts, which he said had only become part of the Jewish diet during famines, and whose kosher status was suspect.But Amar notes that the popularity of the dish among their Muslim neighbors probably kept it on most North African Jewish menus.

Locusts, by the way, are parve (categorized as neither milk nor meat) and the laws of kosher slaughtering do not apply to them.

I'm baffled. And a little bit nauseated. But I guess the good news is that next time there's a plague of locusts, all we have to do is catch them in bulk (using a giant net? locust traps? a tallis?), somehow kill them (the article notes that the laws of kosher slaughtering don't apply, so I'm a little rusty on airborne insect-killing methodologies), and then serve them up with either meat or milk, because they're all super-pareve. Kind of like edamame. Even before I start my research, I'm sure they're also low-carb, good news for all those Atkins disciples. But how many Points are they?

Thanks to the internet, here's some Nutritional Information (preceded by this disclaimer: "The University of Maryland and the Cicadamaniacs do not advocate eating cicadas without first consulting your doctor"):
Insects provide as much protein pound per pound as lean beef. For example, every 100 gram serving of each, termites provide 617 calories of energy while lean ground beef gives 219 and cod gives 170 (3).

But what about locusts? Thanks again to my friend the internet:
According to the book Creepy Crawly Cuisine, by Julieta Ramos-Elorduy (ParkStreet Press, Rochester, VT, 1998), a pound of locusts (grasshoppers)contains more than adequate amounts of all amino acids for adults'nutritional needs. This amount of locusts also meet an adult's daily needsfor phosphorus, iron, thiamin, riboflavin, niacin, and essential fattyacids. Calcium levels, although insufficient to meet dietary standards, exceed those of meats commonly consumed in the United States, such as beef and chicken. The carbohydrate content is very low, making locusts a suitable food for the Atkins Diet.

(I knew it!)

This whole subject reminds me of the time that guy was hospitalized for eating too many cicadas. What, you're out of cicada recipes? Click here for more cicada recipes than any human could need.

My lunch is ruined. How about yours?

SAVE GILES, EVEN THOUGH HE'S AN ASS

In what is officially today's weirdest story starring a Buffy actor, the very talented Anthony Stewart Head is using his celebrity to benefit a charity called Safe Haven for Donkeys in the Holy Land.

From the report:
Safe Haven is a UK charity that cares for injured and abandoned donkeys in Israel and the Palestinian Territories. The charity's latest adopted donkey has been named Giles to celebrate Anthony's new role, and the actor's fans are being invited to help Giles through Anthony's website. For more information, go to www.safehaven4donkeys.org. Anthony Head's official website is www.anthonyhead.org.

Donkey adoption is apparently only $75. Who knew? Can you say Chanukah present?*

*Actually, anyone looking to get me a Buffy-related Chanukah present can feel free to purchase any of the BTVS DVD sets for me. I've seen Season One, but don't own any of them, so feel free to get those for me, even if it means you don't end up getting me a donkey.

J.D. VS. CHANDLER BING!!

I just saw a preview for next week's Scrubs...Matthew Perry appears opposite Zach Braff? Only one half hour for two such funnymen? Where do I look when they're both on-screen at the same time? Does Matthew win because I've loved him longer and actually met him? Or does Zach win because he's a member of the Tribe?

Any one who thinks it's easy being me needs to reconsider.

OPERATION: BRAFF-QUEST

It was early, too early for a Sunday. But Esther was a woman with a mission, a quest that would take her to the southernmost reaches of The Garden State, in search of novelist and fellow New Jersey native Josh Braff.

There was an odd peacefulness to her Upper West Side neighborhood as she left her apartment, a stillness in the air and in her spirit. Still dulled by sleep, she descended into the subway, and made her way to Penn Station. It was definitely coffee-time, she yawned, as she joined the queue at Zaro’s. She sipped—way too bitter, burnt almost. She wondered if this was what the coffee was supposed to taste like. “New Chernobyl Roast,” she named it. Two Splenda didn’t help matters. But she didn’t care—she was on a mission. At the rendezvous point, she’d meet up with that day’s partner-in-crime, a mysterious woman known only as Ginger, but this leg of her journey, she’d have to travel alone.

The train trip was uneventful, people boarded and left the train at every stop, and few people remained constant. She traveled past her New Brunswick college stomping grounds and found herself in a land she’d only heard of. She was trusting that her contact would find her at the station—if anything about her going south went south, she’d abort the mission and head back to Metropolis.

But she had nothing to worry about. There she was, resplendent in pink scarf in the south New Jersey sunshine. The two met like old friends (part of their cover, should any evil forces be spying) and went off to an unmarked vehicle. The rest of the trip was smooth sailing.

The dynamic duo arrived in time for mingling with Jews amid books in the Braff-Gerber lobby of the Katz JCC, and spied their target, a lanky guy in his thirties with a somewhat-unruly mop of what a friend of Esther’s had once called “Jewish blond” hair. He would tell them all they needed to know. But first, Ginger had to calm down. “I love tall people, I can’t control myself!” she burst out. “Calm down,” said Esther soothingly, as they took their seats in the second row. “He’s going to start.”

After a brief introduction, Joshua Braff stepped to the podium. He spoke about the process of becoming a fiction writer, which began when he was living in Japan, teaching ESL, and during Yom Kippur services, his imagination imbued the Torahs with voices. The Torahs, he imagined, were talking to each other, wanting to be somewhere else. This was Josh’s first sign that he wanted to be somewhere else, and he began trying to get published in literary magazines. He found himself a mentor, and got an MFA “to justify my time in writing.” He set deadlines for himself, workshopped his stories with other writers, and finally published three short stories in national literary magazines. “You don’t know you’re in this business until someone says yes,” he recalled.

When Braff’s yes came, he began to mine his own truth: his experience in a Perth Amboy yeshiva followed by a move to South Orange proved fertile terrain for the work that became The Unthinkable Thoughts of Jacob Green. The eponymous hero, Jacob Green, according to his creator, “needs a hug very badly.” After years of yeshiva education he has been dropped into a public school environment. His father’s on his case to finish his bar mitzvah thank you notes and he’s in love with the non-Jewish babysitter who lives in his house.

The book, which is ultimately about Jewish family life in New Jersey, also delves into sexuality and coming-of-age issues, Judaism, family dynamics, fish-out-of-water reactions and provides a character study of narcissism, and portrays scenes from a troubled marriage. The Green pater familias, Abram Green, is the classic narcissist—his children are mere reflections of him; according to Braff, “their successes and failures belong to him.” The book also explains the Green Family rules, a series of italicized edicts that constitutes an internal Torah for the Green children—conveying the fire-and-brimstone message that the house rules are not to be violated: transgress these commandments, and thou shalt feel the wrath of thy creator.

Throughout, the tragedy of living in a family where the children are treated as offshoots of the father is undercut by epistolary interludes: in bar mitzvah thank-you notes and letters to his babysitter, Jacob Green’s teenage voice is clear, honest, and hilariously spot on, providing a voice for the protagonist’s “Unthinkable Thoughts.” Esther remembers having laughed heartily at some of these passages; when Braff performs them at the JCC, she hears her own laugh re-reverberating. Clearly, there’s comedy and performance in the Braff blood. She feels a kinship.

Braff continues to talk about his process: how he drew from truth to create an organic story, how he learned from editing one chapter how the next chapter was going to take shape, how he perceives relationships to be an endless well of writing fodder. All the while, Agent Ginger is spellbound, one can assume by the extreme tallness and talent of the artist.

Meanwhile, Esther is riveted to Braff’s process, looking for her own answers. Must she court literary journals and magazines like the New Yorker in addition to inappropriate singles from JDate and the Upper West Side? Must she go the MFA route? How can she translate her own experience into fiction without it becoming a memoir? How can she write a memoir without fictionalizing it to protect the innocent? Whatever her book is, she wants it to be funny because it’s true, and truthful because it’s funny. Lofty goals.

The event ends, and the crowd files back into the Braff-Gerber lobby for the book signing. While Braff signs her book, she gives him the highest compliment she can muster: “It really made me laugh.” He doesn’t understand then that those words, so simple, are high praise indeed. At least not now he doesn’t. But he will someday.

Click here to read Joshua Braff’s weblog.

NEW COLUMN: "THE MIDDOS TOUCH"

For those of you who don't know this, the word in Hebrew is "middot." But there's an Ashkenazi, more Yiddish-influenced accent that often renders it as "middos." (Just like "Shabbat" becomes "Shabbos." And so on...)

Of course, the pronunciation should be "mee-dos," and if you read the header correctly, "The Mee-dos Touch" doesn't seem to make as much sense. Plus, let's not even get into the whole "touching" issue, which is for another column (or in fact has already been the subject of a terrific Jewish Week article).

And, I put in a reference to the "meet-cute," which is a movie term for the device that gets the two leads together in romantic comedies, which was apparently changed to "meet cute people." Not exactly the same, but whatever. That's what we call "editorial privilege."

That said, I offer my latest Jewish Week singles column. First paragraph is below--to read the article in its entirety, click on the title below.

(11/17/2004)

The Middos Touch
Esther D. Kustanowitz

“I’m looking for a girl with good middos,” the yeshiva boys of my youth would say. The teachers beamed, proud that their students were looking for girls with strong values — family, respect, and modesty. Problem is, nine times out of 10, those boys were punning on the Hebrew word middot, which also translates as measurements — as in 36-24-36. They were looking for a woman with curves in all the right places, and none of the wrong ones. Hearing this, the girls experienced a nagging feeling, as clear as writing on a Babylonian wall, that they had been judged and had been found wanting.

I AM THE LORD OF THE RINGS

Personally, I thought I was a little less wordy. (I know: who'm I kidding?)

I found this quiz, "Which literature classic are you?", through my friends at Candied Ginger.

Won't it be interesting to find out which literature classics my readers "are"?



J.R.R. Tolkien: Lord of the Rings. You are
entertaining and imaginative, creating whole
new worlds around yourself. Well loved, you
have a whole league of imitators, none of which
is quite as profound as you are. Stories and
songs give a spark of joy in the middle of your
eternal battle with the forces of evil.

Which literature classic are you?
brought to you by Quzilla

THE WEEK IN RINGWALD

Because I consider myself a child of the 80s, and because John Hughes movies were responsible for nearly all the unrealistic expectations I had about both high school and romance, I feel it is my duty to bring you some Molly Ringwald related news.

Item #1: Molly Ringwald Becomes Orthodox
While I spent the better part of my modern Orthodox high school experience wanting to be Molly/Samantha/Claire/Andi, apparently the divine Miss R. has decided that a modern Orthodox life is worth living. With that guy who shtupped the pie in that movie.

From Playbill.com:
Molly Ringwald, Jason Biggs, Jenn Harris and Craig Bierko star in the Off-Broadway premeier of Daniel Goldfarb's Modern Orthodox, beginning previews November 11 at the 499-seat Dodger Stages at Worldwide Plaza. Opening night is scheduled for December 6. Tix: 212-239-6200.

Item #2: "Come on, Claire, answer the question!" "No! I never did it!"
This is not exactly about Molly. But it is an homage to the era, and one of the movies that made Molly famous.

Breakfast Club Parody Returns (when was it here the first time?) to Off-Broadway
You See Us As You Want to See Us...Reflections
The parody of the 80s flick performed at downtown New York City's Opaline this past summer. (Oh, I guess that's when it was here last time. Guess I missed it.) It now returns to Off-Broadway, playing the Kraine Theatre in the East Village Friday and Saturday nights, December 10-January 29. Previews are December 3-4. Tix are $25 ($20 for previews), via SmartTix at 212-868-4444, smarttix.com.

Anyone for a theater outing?

CAMPER GONE WILD

Way back in the day, I was a camp counselor at Camp Ramah in the Berkshires.

My second year on staff, when I was 19, I had a great edah (age group)...although I didn't know it at the time (because she was like 12), the girl who would become the woman who would become my sister-in-law was living in the bunk next door. But living in my bunk at the time was a great group of girls...including a girl who talked backwards. She showed an independent spirit (especially on Hippie Day, which was all about the counterculture) that was unusual for that age, and the backwards-talking thing was something we'd never seen (or heard) before.

That girl became the diva known simply as Bex. Or to you, More Bex Than at That Which Sticks Can Be Shook (aka Planet Bex). Her stardom will undoubtedly be enhanced by her appearance in the Battle of the Schwartzes feature in the new issue of Heeb.

But aside from this true milestone, I wanted to share with you a post that she wrote. In it, she wonders why there don't seem to be any Jewish sex symbols (and no, Paul Newman as Ari Ben Canaan in Exodus doesn't count):

I can't think of any sexy Jewesses in pop culture from my childhood and adolescence and I'm hard-pressed to find them now -- when we look to popular culture and the cult-of-personality to find our role models of the sexualized gaze, who do we see? skinny hipped, tiny nosed non-Jews. Where are the ladies with the hips? The thighs? The hair? They're not on the screen -- they're not celluloid idols (ha, more like cellulite idols, she quips wittily, like she was trained), so they're like the anti-idealized-Barbie and therefore the notion of the sexy-Jew becomes appealing to anti-establishment sorts of people.

(I found this especially interesting given the fact that I just wrote a singles column about Jewish girls and boys not being able to measure up to the expectations that they have of each other, and that this is in part due to the way singles life is depicted on television. I read Bex and heard echoes of myself.)

On her blog, long-linked to by me, she shares "Bex on Bad Girl Jews," an essay replete with references to both cable access porn and halakhah (Jewish law) that she wrote for Penthouse.com.

At the marriage between her humor/pop culture sensibility and her Jewish education, however secularized and potentially scandalous, how can an ex-counselor be anything but proud?

CONCEIVE...OR DIE!

Yeah, I know...I hope P.Diddy doesn't get involved in this one either...

Here's an interesting article from Salon by former Breakup Girl Lynn Harris about the new magazine somewhat-imperatively titled Conceive.

Someone interviewed for the article says that a magazine like this is a throwback, trying to take all the women and shove them back into the home-and-hearth roles they've left behind as women of the modern era. But having read one of the better infertility blogs out there, I have to say that clearly, there's a community that needs this magazine, if only to know that they are not the only ones in their pursuit of progeny.

Single me isn't subscribing. But there have been worse ideas for magazines, and (even not having read it yet) I don't think it's going to set feminism back. Truth is, women who want to conceive will buy it, read it, and glean what information they can. Women who don't want to conceive, or for whom this issue is simply not relevant, will just not buy it. That's the beauty of magazine subscriptions**--you don't have to get magazines you don't want to read.


*Do not go to breakupgirl.com. Unless you want porn. Then go right ahead!
**For the ugly side of magazine subscriptions, see here...

JTV TO BOW IN FEB 05, AND HAVE THEY CALLED?

For those of you wanting an update on my impending skyrocket to television comedy success, JTV still has not called me to write and star in my own show. But here's what they already have on their plate:

According to Odoner [JTV's founder], JTV will have a “real downtown, let-your-hair-down, urban feel,” which he describes as a mix between Fox News, Comedy Central, MTV and ESPN.

Oh, Mr. Odoner, my hair is already down. As far as downtown is concerned, having done work for Jewish organizations all over this fair city, I'm perfectly positioned even from the Upper West Side.

Shows in the works include: “Two Jews, Three Opinions,” a Jewish version of CNN’s debate show “Crossfire”; “Jewishly Incorrect,” which Odoner describes as “a borderline-edgy, comedic political commentary show”; Jewish televangelism, hosted by a hip and provocative Gen-X rabbi, and “Genesis 9:0,” a Bible-based quiz show.

Good luck finding that hip and provocative Gen-X rabbi who's endorsed by and tolerant of all the Jewish denominations. I have a few suggestions, if they'd ever call me.

Also in development are “Nice Jewish Boyz,” a Jewish version of Comedy Central’s “The Man Show” that Odoner hopes will “smash the myth of the over-mothered Jewish male”; a music-video show hosted by Juliette Powell, a host and producer on MuchMusic; reality-based shows; biographies and documentaries from Israel, and a videotaped version of the ABC-syndicated radio show “The John Batchelor Show,” which boasts millions of listeners coast to coast and covers an array of topics from the war on terror and the economy to Hollywood politicos and planetary exploration.

Nice, but not surprising, that the women's demographic seems to have been left out. "Nice Jewish Boyz," which I initially thought was about boys who couldn't spell (too many JDate profiles for me), may work. But I'm not sure about the angle. How are you going to smash the myth of the over-mothered Jewish male when it's not a myth? Unless this turns into Springer, where Jewish mothers come on the show with their prodigal sons and berate them for not calling, I really don't understand the concept.

Where's Jewish Lifetime Television for Women? Or "No Premarital Sex and the City"? Where's our Jewish female talk show host to come home to and our must-see sitcoms about living single and Jewish in New York City?

I'll tell you. JTV: I've got your Oprah right here. Call it Urban Kvetch Live. I'll start a book club. I'll give away cars. I'll borrow from Ellen's zaniness (I'll dance over from the monologue set) and Ope's sensitivity. I'll interview celebrities, review plays, and do karaoke in whatever time slot I'm given. I'll cover Judaism, contemporary trends and culture. My show will become the place to be...people will line up around the block to sit in the studio audience (unless it's too cold outside--what, you want they should freeze?).

Or, we could do a sitcom. Call it what you will..."Esther and the City," "Esther, Queen of New York," "The Book of Esther," "Members of the Tribe," "Kustano-what?" Writer, series regular, special guest star status...Basically, I'm open.

I've got what you're looking for--all you've got to do is ask (and offer an attractive salary and medical benefits package).

Interested JTV executives should contact my representation. Thank you for your consideration.

WAVE OF THE COMEDY FUTURE

No, not me. Well...maybe me. But in this particular case, the "new wave" is going to be the return of the comedy duo. Don't think Sandler & Schneider, but more along the lines of Burns & Allen, Abbott and Costello, Laurel & Hardy, etc.

Or at least so says Lawrence Epstein in an interview with [don't laugh, New Yorkers] Cleveland.com.

Laughing matters to Epstein, an English professor and lecturer on popular culture, and he takes it seriously. He just wrote "Mixed Nuts," a book summed up in its subtitle: "America's Love Affair With Comedy Teams from Burns & Allen to Belushi & Aykroyd." "I wrote the book because I missed them," he said. "I wanted to celebrate their careers and introduce them to people who hadn't heard of them before they're completely forgotten" - acts like Weber & Fields, the vaudeville duo whose routines were echoed, if not copied, by Laurel and Hardy and Abbott and Costello.

Part of me likes to know this "history of comedy" stuff--I think studying the forms and trends of comedy past is vital to creating an informed, nuanced comedy presence in the present. But then, whenever someone announces that a professor has something to say about it, I can't help it... another part of me yawns. It's an involuntary response, I'm sure. Like a mild allergy to academic study; instead of a sneeze, it's a yawn. Hmm. Maybe that's worth an academic study. [Yawn.]

ANTHONY STEWART HEAD GIVES GOOD BRITISHISM

This from an interview with Anthony Stewart Head (Rupert "Ripper" Giles, from the late Buffy the Vampire Slayer).

When asked how his current acting gig differs from working on Buffy, he says:
"Horses for different courses really."

I dig that phrase, people.

Plus, he indicates that the idea for a "Ripper" TV movie is not a dead deal. (How cool would that be? The possibilities are endless. More musical episodes, anyone?)

ASH explains:
Joss still wants to do something. It may end up as a two hour film as part of a series of films about various characters. He wants to do something with Spike and maybe with Xander. He still wants to shoot it but the world needs Joss Whedon to do some movies and that's what he's doing.

I guess Joss saves the world. A lot.

Via Whedonesque, which always provides way more Joss, Buffy and Angel news than I ever thought I needed.

PSA: URBAN LEGENDS

[Dude, I am so doing everything but my immediate assignment right now. But I felt I had to do this. ]

America, the NEA is not canceling funding for PBS and Sesame Street. This is an issue from 1996.

Penny Brown is NOT missing.

Dr. W. David Hager has already been appointed to the FDA committee, and he does not deny birth-control prescriptions to unmarried women.

A girl probably did not freeze her naked ass to her date's car on their first date.

And here's why internet petitions are a waste of your time.

Please, do us all a favor. Before you forward a petition, an email that claims to be able to "track" results, or anything else, please check Snopes' Urban Legends page. They have a search engine that's very good, and if you don't find a rumor on their site, ask them to investigate it.

But above all, I beg of you, do not forward things to all of your friends and acquaintances until you determine that the email is factual.

Thank you.

LESSONS I HAVE LEARNED FROM COMEDY CENTRAL

LESSON #1
Just because your animated show gets an F from Entertainment Weekly doesn't mean it won't be picked up for a second season.

DRAWN TOGETHER picked up for season #2

LESSON #2
If the authors of said animated show themselves can't believe they got away with creating the show, it will be picked up for another 15 episodes.

"We're astonished that Comedy Central wants more of these things," [the show's creators] say in a statement. "We didn't even think they wanted the ones they have now. Amazing."

LESSON #3
America loves reality shows. Even if it's a completely concocted, animated parody of reality shows.

The decision to pick up the show wasn't a tough one, as early episodes have shown strong ratings. In its first two weeks, "Drawn Together" has averaged 2.3 million viewers, many of whom are in the network's core audience of men ages 18-49.

LESSON #4
SOUTH PARK rules.

The Nov. 3 episode was the No. 2 show on cable that night among adults 18-49, behind only its lead-in, "South Park.""Drawn Together's" second season is scheduled to unspool in fall 2005 and will include a "reunion special" among its 15 episodes.

Esther's review? Not quite an F.

DRAWN TOGETHER is actually pretty funny, but is not for the squeamish. Episodes feature things that are both as randomly funny as they are repulsive, like a pig defecating into a canteloupe for no apparent reason. OK, so that wasn't really funny. But for fans of The Real World, or for those who love to hate it, this shows plays adeptly with the cliches in a way that offends many as it entertains. Just as with South Park (which, by the way, rules) there's no propriety here. But without any rules, the bedlam is unfettered and unchaperoned, which turns out to be a good thing. (And isn't that what drew people to the "seven people living in a house" concept to begin with?)

All the reality stereotypes are exploited along with the archetypes that we've all seen in cartoons from Superman to He-Man, from Cinderella to Pokemon. It's tempting to read it as a satirical critique on our reality-obsessed culture, but to do so, I think, would be reading into what is supposed to be straight-up, no-holds-barred parody.

Enjoy it, or don't. How does that sound?

THIS FISH NEEDS A BOOK CONTRACT

I've said it before. This Fish needs a book contract, but don't we all.

At least, her piece in tomorrow's Sunday's Styles section of the New York Times is a good start. I mean, there are tons of good writers out there who haven't managed to place anything in the NY Times (despite several promising leads at the Magazine).

Mazal tov, Heather honey!

ESTHER'S IN THE TOP 51!

A list of Top 50 Jewish Americans, and Esther/Madonna's at nunber 51!

A couple of notes:
1. Madonna herself, though she's a Detroit native, has been living in England with husband Guy Ritchie and her two kids, Lourdes/Lola (Liora) and Rocco (Reuel)*. Her Anglophilia is to such an extent that she often pontificates in an (inauthentic) British accent, tainted by her midwestern roots, and filtered through Catholicism. Which leads me to my next point...
2. Madonna's not Jewish. (But I am...I'm just sayin'...)

Jon Stewart's at #5. In case you forgot, My Urban Kvetch hearts Jon Stewart. (But not in that way, Mrs. Stewart. The Urban Kvetch Bloggerette has agreed to the terms of that restraining order you served on her, so no worries.)

For what it's worth, I also interviewed listee Rabbi Sharon Brous, age 30, when she was a student at JTS. She's a remarkably passionate woman and committed Jew, who ranks under the heading of "Spirit," and is starting a new synagogue in Los Angeles. L.A. Urban Kvetch affiliates...check it out and send me your reports...

The list, though interesting, is nothing revolutionary. If you read any of the NY Jewish papers or have ever worked at Jewish non-profit organizations, you'll recognize many of the same old names. I prefer the list that the Jewish Week did last year or the year before, where there was a list of "up-and-comers" in their twenties and thirties. That reveals much more about the state of Judaism in America, I think. That's the future you're looking at.

One more question: Ou sont les bloggers Juives dans la liste? Je ne sais quoi. Mai je ne parle pas Francais bien. Et vous?

*Hebrew names are conjecture. But let's face it. I'm probably right.

"DRY BONES" CARTOONIST FIGHTS ANTI-SEMITISM WITH HUMOR

Ya'akov Kirschen, the cartoonist behind the renowned "Dry Bones" strip in the Jerusalem Post, announces his new project in an article by Sue Fishkoff (who I just met on Sunday at my AJPA Workshop) in the JTA:

The artist has formed a nonprofit organization called The Dry Bones Project to combat the “lies and ugliness” of anti-Semitism through humor...

“We want to use every kind of humor to carry this out,” he declares. “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if people started telling jokes like, ‘Two anti-Semites were on a train…’ ”

For more information, click here.

HISTORY LESSON: THE GROUNDLINGS

Julia Sweeney was an accountant. Cheri Oteri was a member of A&M's publishing staff. That is, before they found the Groundlings, a renowned Los Angeles improv troupe that has churned out such comedy luminaries as Phil Hartman, Laraine Newman, Lisa Kudrow and Mindy Sterling (Frau Farbisseneh, anyone?)

Well, the Groundlings have turned 30, and Arriviste Press has a great article on the history of the troupe.

Laughing on Solid Ground

What? You've never taken improv? You should. I'm an improv fundamentalist: I think everyone should study improv, at least for a few hours. It is the light and the resurrection, and the rock of ages, and my own personal Zion, and--oh, never mind.

But seriously, take improv.

DUDE, HERE'S MY APPRENTICE ARTICLE!

And now, from the "BetterLateThanNever" Department...my newest article, an interview with Stacy R., a former member of The Apprentice cast, is now online. Beware the giant picture of my head that's running alongside the web version. (I assure you, that photo is not an accurate depiction of my noggin, which is neither that large nor that grainy in real life.)

You've been warned. Do not look directly at my headshot. Looking directly at said enormous headshot may cause temporary blindness and fear of freelancers. And yet, enjoy the article. You'e complex readers. You'll figure it out. Thank you.

Post-Reality Reality
by Esther D. Kustanowitz

MADONNEWS CENTER UPDATE 3*

This isn't exactly breaking news anymore, but it has been so long since I had a good Madonna story to sink my creative teeth into...

Madonna took time out of her spiritual journey, to film the 30 second ad for the Ministry of Tourism, which will debuted at the World Tourism Fair in London next week. According to Israeli news site haaretz.com, Madonna assures audiences the country is a safe place to visit.

While the images remain classified, the team of reporters at My Urban Kvetch has obtained an exclusive look at the script for the proposed ad campaign:

[MADONNA, DRESSED ONLY IN AN ISRAELI FLAG DESIGNED BY JEAN PAUL GAUTHIER, LOOKS PLAINTIVELY INTO THE CAMERA AND BEGINS TO SING A CAPPELLA (to the tune of "Like a Prayer"):]

Israel is history
No one here can be alone
I'm in Jerusalem
and it feels like...home...

[MUSIC STARTS, DANCE BEAT. MADONNA DROPS FLAG TO REVEAL A YARMULKEBRA-BUSTIER WITH JEWISH STARS EMBLAZONED ON THE CUPS.]

CHORUS:
I'm in Is-ra-el, I love Kabbalah
Things are going well, got my bracelet on
Now the party starts, I'm breaking Jewish hearts
Here we don't eat pork; it's safer than New York...

Like a dream I had of being British
and so I spoke just like a Brit
(not like Britney)
Catholic is what my mother made me
But kosher is what I've become--let the Pope scream

CHORUS:
I'm in Is-ra-el, I love Kabbalah
Things are going well, got my bracelet on
Now the party starts, I'm breaking Jewish hearts
Here we don't eat pork; it's safer than New York...

Guy Ritchie is my man,
Wears kippot when he can,
Our children stay amused
they also stay confused--
don't point or stare,
when I am standing there
God always sees
the ultra-mega-Jewish me
The ultra-Jewish me-hee-hee,
Come and see...

[CHEESY ISRAELI VOICEOVER:]
Come to Israel. We'll make you feel like a rock star.



*This post inspired by my friends at Jewlicious...

DUDE, WHERE'S MY APPRENTICE ARTICLE?

So, despite appearing in this week's paper, the URL of my new singles article (Post-Reality Reality, an interview with Stacy Rotner from The Apprentice) is still AWOL. But if you're a hardcore fan (of either The Apprentice or of me), you can track down a print copy of the article; the Jewish Week is available on some NYC newsstands, particularly on the Upper West Side.

If they ever post the article online, I'll post the URL here. Thanks for your support!

ELIZABETH EDWARDS

Elizabeth Edwards has breast cancer. It's beatable, the doctors say, but still...

UPN, MEADOW SOPRANO, SITCOM CLICHES AND ME

In one of my media news bulletins this morning came this development news:

UPN is developing a new project based on the website www.VivianLives.com which chronicles the day-in and day-out life of a 20-something career woman in NYC, written by author Sherrie Krantz. Probable star for the project is Sopranos' Jamie-Lynn Scala, so says Hollywood Reporter. --Cynopsis.com

Maybe it's just jealousy speaking, but personally, I don't see why this site is any more worthy of a TV project than any of our sites. (Smitten? This Fish? Ari Goes Down? Superjux? C? Annabel Lee? Um, me?) And Meadow? Please. What are they hoping for? The new "Sex and the City"? But on UPN? Oh, the humanity.

Here comes the rant you've been waiting for. (Or dreading.) What America needs is not the redundant worship of another skinny, midriff-baring, single twentysomething. (Is she an editor at a fabulous magazine, where she is initially spurned by a haughty editor, only to be taken under said editor's wing and nurtured to great success? Will there be a jaunty theme song about living on her own, by her own rules? A sassy best friend? The hot Jordan Catalano-type guy who's always out of reach? A revolving door on her bedroom for easy-on-the-eyes male guest stars?)

There should be some sort of PAC to protest this kind of show. You know, a group with the political starpower and passion of PETA, but with the credibility of Consumer Reports. We need an academic study, maybe spearheaded by the Ms. Foundation, about the fact that shows like these breed unrealistic expectations of young single women, and even more unrealistic expectations of slightly older single women. The study, in an ideal world would denounce these shows for objectifying women, and for creating the expectation in men that they all "deserve" a hot, skinny girl who's all about couture.

Of course, not all skinny women are evil. As the rewritten cliche goes, "some of my best friends are skinny." (OK, one of them.) IMHO, women with nuance, character depth, intelligence, personality, sense of humor, curves, who live their lives in a tiny studio and cheap, comfortable shoes, are a lot more interesting.

Of course, I have to believe this for myself--if my future success as a writer/performer/whatever relies on my ability to magically become a size 6 and learn to walk in four-inch heels, I might as well choose welfare now.

But I have to believe that America believes in women like me. It's just hard to fully believe in the inherent equality of American culture when shows like these permeate pop culture and the public consciousness. Especially in this City, when I'm surrounded by the higher-maintenance, the higher-income, the higher-cheekboned, and the higher-heeled.

Sometimes, it's easier to believe. On stage, or here, in the blog-bosom of my online family, I'm transported. I am the essence of me. And she's all optimism about inner truth, and inner beauty, shining through. Even if couture doesn't come in her size.

MATING SEASON

It was in the air last night, crisp like wind, an apple, starched shirts, vodka on the rocks.

The atmosphere chilled to the perfect temperature. As sun sets, the breeze doesn’t so much increase as it does intensify, deepening until it begins an almost ungentle assault on skin. Symbols of the seasons palpably intertwine to convey the distinct impression that it's a renewal moment. We bid adieu to what is no longer in our control. Out of our hands, beyond us, yet because of us, some sort of cycle is about to begin all over again. In these autumn months we seek the company of others, and walk toward companionship, if only to keep us warm, as chill sets up shop and prepares for winter.

As we shift like seasons within our lives, we wish for discernment, for a chemistry both potent and proper, mellifluous and meaningful. We add extra layers to protect ourselves against a coming frost.

You’d call them winds of change, if they weren’t so familiar, so unimaginably same.

REALITY TV:BUSH :: SCRIPTED SHOW:KERRY

Does the return of scripted television shows like Lost and Desperate Housewives herald a political change? Perhaps, says Jeremy Dauber in the Christian Science Monitor in an interesting opinion piece.

Props to JD for invoking Star Wars in the title, "A New Hope," for having conducted a seminar comparing the works of Isaac Bashevis Singer to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and for surviving our high school. Not that he was worried, he's dang smart. That is, if he's the same JD, and I think he is...

Maybe now he'll start reading my blog.

CIVIC DUTY, DONE

Rising reluctant in morning
I ventured forth.

Swirling among My Fellow Americans
Joining the queue of the enfranchised
I immersed myself in a metropolitan Salad Bowl
of people who were all the same because we were all different.

Lines at the polls move quicker than I do in the morning.
But so do most things. Like snails, and turtles, and magma.

There are those who would ask my inclination,
my party affiliation. And to those I would reply:

My choice was simple.
I voted for an end to the salacious sniping,
an end to the constant coverage.
I voted for new news stories, for my reunion
with friends whose political affiliations differ,
for the future, whatever it may hold.

My flicking of levers in voting booths
(themselves just a smidge smaller than my apartment)
is America in action, makes me a member
of a better city, of a greater populace.

I acted.
I chose.
I flexed my political bicep.
I opted in.
I surmised.
I estimated.
I engaged in the Democratic process.
I renewed my commitment to America.
I raised my voice.

I voted. Did you?

I AM SO DESTINED FOR L&O

OK, God. I get it. Clearly I'm supposed to be on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. Not only did the show inspire a post last week, but today, another sign.

SCENE: An Upper West Side branch of Commerce Bank.

[A tired, but clearly attractive, writer enters the ATM vestibule and approaches a cash machine. Punching several buttons, she realizes that the machine is not dispensing cash. She moves over to the other line, explaining to the woman behind her that the machine is broken.

Minutes pass. It is the writer's turn at the working ATM. She makes a deposit and is about to make a withdrawal, when a man at the back of the line speaks up.]

MAN: I guess that one's not working?
[A long silence as no one answers him. WRITER, mid-transaction, responds.]
WRITER: Well, it's kind of working. But it's not dispensing cash, which is kind of why we come here, so...

[She had thought it was funny. But still, silence as customers wait on line. WRITER finishes her transactions, and steps away from the machine. She walks to a bench and rests her bag on it, while she puts away her money and receipts and instantly recognizes the MAN on line. She approaches him.]

WRITER: Excuse me, Mr. Belzer.
RICHARD BELZER: Yes.
WRITER: I just wanted to say that I'm a big fan of your work on SVU.
RICHARD BELZER: Thanks.
WRITER: I watch it everyday.
RICHARD BELZER: Thanks a lot.

[WRITER emerges from bank and congratulates herself for not endlessly babbling to Richard Belzer the way she had to Matthew Perry that time near Central Park. Then she starts thinking about all the signs that have pointed her toward a guest spot on SVU. She determines that if she receives one more sign, she will put in a call to Wolf Films and Lynn Kressel Casting.]

END SCENE

ELECTION NIGHT MADNESS!

(Democracy+cocktails=Democktails?)

Vote, drink, stay up too late, and regret it all the next morning. The folks at Gothamist have collected some resources for you crazy kids who like a little drinkie with your democracy.

Gothamist's favorite drink special is at Otto's Shrunken Head: a free shot for every state Kerry wins, and open bar if Bush wins.

My plans include a JDate, The Daily Show's Jon Stewart and his team of merry men (and woman) from 10-11 for the live Indecision 2004: Prelude to a Recount special, and then regretting everything the next morning. Except The Daily Show. No regrets there.

TRUMP AND ESTHER

[At least I got your attention, didn't I?]

Coming soon to My Urban Kvetch and JDaters Anonymous via my singles column in The New York Jewish Week, my interview with former Apprentice cast member and fellow Manhattan SJF Stacy Rotner.

This makes two notches in my belt of reality TV interviews. (Remember Adam Mesh?)

Of course, who knows if the reality TV belt will still be in fashion in five minutes. Maybe I should rely on the opinions of the "Gal Pal" team, from Bravo's new show, Queer Eye for the Straight Girl...

Stay tuned...great things are a-coming.

CHRIS NOTH RETURNS

I just read in EW that original Jerry Orbach partner Chris Noth will be returning to Law & Order for a series of up to three movies...perhaps he'd care to join the cast for "my episode"? I'll have to shuffle around some story elements in the "Esther" and "Detective Stabler" storyline, but it might be worth it for all parties...

OPPOSITE OF NATIONAL CELIBACY DAY?

Votergasm.org was launched on September 4 by recent graduates of Columbia, Harvard, and University of Wisconsin-Madison. The site asks visitors to sign the Votergasm Pledge to have sex with a voter on election night—and withhold sex from non-voters for the next four years. In addition, it provides tools to organize election-night Votergasm parties and features erotic pictorial guides to activities such as requesting an absentee ballot.

Not quite the opposite of National Celibacy Day, I guess, since this is non-partisan. But it definitely links sex (and the abstention of/withholding from sex) with voting. Which is interesting, I guess--but it's obviously not for everyone.

So, as with the voting process itself, you have a choice:

National Celibacy Day (Democrats only)

Votergasm (for every voter who wants to have his or her ballot punched)

[Sorry. Couldn't resist it.]

THE FRIGHTENING

Thanks to Jack over at his shack for inspiring this foray into the fearful.

A short list in no particular order, from the no-brainer serious ones to the funnier, more tongue-in-cheek entries, of things that frighten me...

• The Shining
• when my friend bit my face right after we saw Silence of the Lambs
• that one photo over at JDate (you ladies know the one I mean)
• Britney Spears' wedding photos
• crashing airplanes (blame 9/11, that plane that crashed into a Queens neighborhood, and Donnie Darko)
• the morning I woke up with curly hair (it's straight, usually--oh the horror!)
• that I'll carry a credit card debt forever
• walking from the subway to my apartment at 3:30 am on a Saturday night because the boys I was with didn't walk me home
• slow dances at weddings
• that I'll never have a wedding
• that Scream mask
• that I'll run out of ideas for my column
• that something bad will happen to my brothers, parents or friends
• finding a hair in food I didn't make
• Ben Affleck's career
• that by the time I get married, I won't be able to have children
• bad spelling
• that this blog will crash and I'll lose all the creative efforts I've logged since February
• getting trapped on the subway during a blackout (check)
• that something will happen to me while I'm without health insurance
• that the family members of the mice that were in my old apartment seven years ago will track me down in my newer apartment and perpetrate a plot of rodential revenge
• Macaulay Culkin
• Renee Zellweger's scrunchy eyes
• that I'll never achieve the fame and happiness I deserve
• that I'll achieve the fame and happiness I deserve

There are probably more. Some I won't cop to in print or to myself. But these are the ones on my mind today...even if it's already TMI.

Share with me, won't you? What scares the bejeezus out of you?

SPOOKY...

...that it took a lunar eclipse (at the end of October) to break the curse of the Bambino and give the Red Sox their first win since 1910...

Halloween, anyone?

NON-PARTISAN FUN, TAKE 2

[Blogger is not my friend this morning. But I shall persevere! Thank you for your patience.]

Try this...because it's always fun to give the President a makeover.

My suggestion? Try the "evil eyes," they're excellent.

I HEART SOUTH PARK

After the all-too-real political situations of The West Wing—not to mention the surreal and upsettingly vitriolic world of actual politics--it’s a pleasure to watch South Park’s little animated characters conduct their campaigns for a new school mascot. (WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD)

The choices? In one corner, Giant Douche. In the other, Turd Sandwich. (It took me a minute to extrapolate the metaphor I had hoped would be in the season premiere of the irreverent series…) The process gets speared too…like voter registration drives designed to get people to vote for their candidate, vote campaigns organized by certain hip-hop moguls that threaten “Vote or Die.” And when one citizen (deciding that he cannot choose one candidate over the other because they both suck) decides not to vote at all, he is tied to the back of a horse with a bucket on his head and banished from South Park entirely. And if you think PETA activist French kissing a llama has nothing to do with doing your civic duty, you’d be wrong.

The greater lesson? Nearly every election since the beginning of time has been between a Giant Douche and a Turd Sandwich…

Who ever said television wasn't educational?



[And in case I haven't mentioned it yet today, I can't wait for this election to be over.]

THE WEST WING

For the first time since its cancellation, I'm glad Angel isn't on anymore. Now, I can get back to the West Wing, the show that even further confuses my understanding of today's politics.

What with the presence of Josh Malina, peace talks between Palestinians and Israelis, and Shabbat dinner with the President, watching this whole season's a goshdarned mitzvah. Jewish, and not watching? Bad Jew.

Is it too late to vote for President Bartlet?

LAW & ORDER: RANDOM CAMEOS GONE WILD

I'm very fond of "gone wild." I think I shall use it often.

Last night was Random Cameo Night on Law & Order. Kevin Smith shows up as “Guy Who Moves Boxes in Warehouse,” and Darrell Hammond portrayed “Smarmy Kiddie Porn Guy.” I’m pretty sure they were both on SVU, but Kevin Smith might have been on the original.

So many actors have cycled in and out of L&O franchises over the years. I keep waiting for the time when I flip on USA or (the Drama of) TNT and find that unbeknownst to the apparently somnambulant me, I too have been on a L&O episode.

What was my role? It probably went something like this.

ESTHER'S CAMEO ON LAW AND ORDER, TAKE ONE

AUDIO: GUNK GUNK [the trademark L&O sound]

GRAPHIC: Upper West Side, 4:45 pm

STABLER: [Knocking at the door] Open up, ma’am, police.

ESTHER: Police? What’s going on?

BENSON: We’re investigating a serious crime. Have you seen anything unusual?

ESTHER: Not really.

STABLER: Did you hear anything out of the ordinary?

ESTHER: No.

BENSON: What about David Greenberg, from down the hall, did you know him?

ESTHER: We said hi a few times. He was cute, but nothing came of it. Sorry I can’t help.

STABLER: Thank you.

[Boooorrring. “Get me rewrite!”]

ESTHER'S CAMEO ON LAW AND ORDER, TAKE TWO

AUDIO: GUNK GUNK [the trademark L&O sound]

GRAPHIC: Upper West Side, 4:45 pm

STABLER: [Knocking at the door] Open up, ma’am, police.

ESTHER: I’ll open up, just don’t call me ma’am. I’m not old enough to be a ma’am. Police? What’s going on?

BENSON: We’re investigating a serious crime. Have you seen anything unusual?

ESTHER: Not really. Oh wait, the sign over Deli Kasbah’s a little strange.

STABLER: Deli Kasbah…is that Moroccan?

ESTHER: It’s Messianic, I think. [a beat] Deli Kasbah’s around the corner. It’s a kosher restaurant, and they show videos of the Lubavitcher Rebbe while you eat your pastrami burger.

BENSON: That is unusual. We should investigate it.

ESTHER: You think that’s strange, the sign over the restaurant’s in French, and promises diners an “advance taste of Messianic meat.”

BENSON: Sounds like a homicidal threat.

ESTHER: And they quote from Psalms: “And bulls shall be offered.”

STABLER: So they’re religious fanatics, too. I’m calling for backup.

ESTHER: No need. I was joking. Sigh. I forgot that you cops aren’t big on sense of humor.

STABLER: That’s right. We’re serious. Belzer’s the comic relief. Did you hear anything out of the ordinary?

ESTHER: I guess you don’t mean that my downstairs neighbor-slash-wannabe rock star has switched to a more powerful amplification system? Then that would be a no.

BENSON: What about David Greenberg, from down the hall, did you know him?

ESTHER: Which David Greenberg? There are two on this floor, and three more on 5, 9 and 12. This is the Upper West Side: you can’t fling a Metrocard without hitting a David Greenberg.

STABLER: This particular David Greenberg is about my height and build. [He flexes his biceps, and pivots to give her a good look.]

ESTHER: [Stares longingly at Detective Stabler.]

BENSON: Ms. Kanstandovits? Do you know the Greenberg we mean?

ESTHER: Sorry, I was [pauses] distracted. Yeah, I knew David. We said hi a few times. He was cute, but nothing came of it. He’s real shy, and kept to himself most of the time. I used to see his mail…tons of internet magazines. I think he was some sort of programming genius. Is he in some kind of trouble?

BENSON: You could say that. He’s been harassing Jewish women all over town via a popular Internet dating service.

STABLER: His profile name is “KingofJDate,” ever hear of him?

ESTHER: Oh please, as if I’d click on anyone whose profile name proclaimed him a monarch of a kingdom no one wants to be in to begin with…

BENSON: That’s a no, then?

ESTHER: Well, I’ve never clicked on him. But I know people who have clicked on that name. He kept sending them instant messages that had no discernible purpose or content. That was David Greenberg? His picture looks nothing like the David Greenberg I knew. Just goes to prove the old saying, “Cute in real life, freak on the internet.”

STABLER: I’m not familiar with that one.

ESTHER: [smitten] I know you’re not, Detective. But believe me, it’s true.

BENSON: Can you provide us with contact information for the women who have been harassed?

ESTHER: I can give you a few names. But what you should really do is ask the company to provide you with their records. I guarantee that this is a much more widespread problem than just the handful of people I’m aware of.

STABLER: [to Benson] I still think we should check out that potential Moroccan terrorist cell.

ESTHER: Terrorist cell? Oh, you mean Deli Kasbah. They’re totally legit. A little weird, sure, but that doesn’t make them terrorists.

STABLER: Fair enough. Maybe I’ll pick up a sandwich instead.

BENSON: Thank you, ma’am. You’ve been very helpful.

ESTHER: [glares] I told you, don’t ma’am me. We’re the same age. But I have a question for you? Is this really today’s top priority for SVU?

STABLER: Oh, we’re not SVU anymore.

BENSON: We’re heading up the newest division of the NYPD. A special Jewish unit.

COMMERCIAL BREAK: PROMO FOR NEW SERIES

V.O.—This season, join Detectives Stabler and Benson for the greatest challenge of their careers.

They battle interdenominational sniping, break up rumbles at Jewish singles events, and sniff out the copepods in tap water, as members of New York’s newest elite fighting squad.

LAW & ORDER: Special Jewish Unit. Coming soon to NBC.

Then to USA. Then to TNT.

GRAPHIC:
LAW & ORDER: SJU.

AUDIO:
[GUNK, GUNK.]

PURIM V. HALLOWEEN

Four years ago, I wrote a piece comparing Purim and Halloween for Gen-X webzine Generation J...

I always remember to resurrect this article for Purim, but I always forget 'round Halloween.

A taste of the candy in your plastic pumpkin that contains this article:

Recently, someone asked me whether I liked Purim better than Halloween. It seemed like such an odd question; the holidays had been so distinctly incomparable in my mind. But upon consideration, perhaps because my name is Esther, perhaps because of my Jewish background, I would have to say that Purim unequivocally kicks Halloween's rump. Of course, I am slightly biased: If Halloween featured a Queen Esther, I might be inclined to change my preference. But I doubt it.

Check it out here: Purim and Halloween: An Ideological Face-Off.

BREAKFAST OF TROJANS

This is officially my favorite story of the day. Nothing can top this. Except maybe a nice cream cheese frosting. Or some spermicide.

A young Manhattan woman split open her breakfast muffin — only to find what seemed to be a condom baked inside.

That's right! A writer at MTV Networks had eaten nearly half her carrot-nut, cream-cheese topped muffin, before she found the offending piece of latex. Although most likely, it is the tip of a sterile glove that was worn by a bakery worker, The New York Post, God bless 'em, decided it was a condom.

My prediction: Within two months, everyone at her office is calling her "Muffin."

And, as a special PSA to my MTVN readers, I want to tell you that this occurrence transpired in the 50th Street building. So, Bex, brother Simmy, and my colleagues in the MTVN Creative Services department need not worry. The Lodge is still as safe as it ever was. For whatever that's worth...

JEWISH CONFERENCE ALERT!

Now that the holidays are over, we Jews just don’t know what to do with ourselves! So we have professional workshops and conferences, to keep ourselves busy and so that we can keep playing Jewish geography with new and exciting people.

Toward this goal, and because nobody's asked me to attend UJC's General Assembly, I’ve registered for one of each…maybe you’ll join me!

THIS SUNDAY...October 31, Lishmah Day of Jewish Learning
http://www.lishmah.org/ to register and for complete program

By creating an extraordinary one-day experience for Jews from across social, political, and denominational lines, Lishmah aims to inspire a revival in Jewish learning that touches the entire community. Choose from over 100 different workshops, film screenings, discussion groups, lectures, and panel discussions. Discover the biblical prophecy of Moses and the prophetic rock & roll of Bob Dylan. Listen to the exotic voices of Sephardic song and the joyful sounds of klezmer. Unearth the mystical teachings of Kaballah and engage in feminist readings of the stories of Rachel and Ruth. Explore the ways in which Jewish text and tradition relate to contemporary issues ranging from the environment to reproductive rights to tabloid gossip to the war on terrorism.

November 7-8, American Jewish Press Association’s Freelancers’ Workshop

AJPA's first ever Freelance Workshop is a seminar in Manhattan, featuring a variety of experts to sharpen your writing, researching and marketing skills. I'm not sure if registration's still open, but check it out at: http://www.ajpa.org/

SNL AND "WHAT THE HELL?"

Apparently, we've discovered a new law of SNL. Either that, or maybe I'm overreacting when I say "What the hell?"

SNL Law #53 (often referred to as "the Jude Law")
Any episode starring Jude Law must possess bizarre sketches starring bears ("Bear City") and screw up one of the musical sequences, causing musical guest Ashlee Simpson (also known as "the brunette one") to do a hoedown to the pre-recorded vocals of the song she had already sung earlier in the show. Then, during closing credits, said lesser Simpson must apologize to the hordes in the television audience and blame it on her band for playing the wrong intro.

Poor Ashlee. First, she has to be the brunette. Then her boyfriend breaks up with her. Now this. You know that her manager, who is also her father, is going to give her a talking to on this one.

And poor me. Now I must erase the memory of having witnessed "The Jude Law" so I can sleep. How shall I achieve this? What would Brian Boitano do? Ah, yes...ask, and ye shall receive from Comedy Central...an airing of "South Park: Bigger Longer and Uncut"...

(How many times do I have to see this movie before it stops being funny? So hilarious...)