CRUSH-ON-A-QUASI-CELEBRITY, PART ONE
(Why "Part One"? Because this is me. There's always going to be a "Part Two." I'm like Quentin Tarantino that way. And in a whole host of other ways. In fact, sometimes, people can't tell me and Q apart. But that's another post. That will indicate I've lost all grip on reality.)
Since Jon Stewart got married and had a baby, I've been looking for a new love, baby. (This will come as a great relief to my friend who writes for the Daily Show--now that I'm not a potential stalker for his employer, he can finally relax and enjoy that second Emmy with the rest of their veritable "melting pot" of a staff.) Having previously explored the possibility of a nice Jewish Braff brother, I was upset to learn that they're all married or working on Scrubs in Los Angeles. Therefore, I concluded, geographically undesirable.
So I decided to focus on some of the more local yokels, people who I might conceivably meet in my improv circles or walking down the street. And then, a clear frontrunner for crush candidacy emerged: Candidate Zero. Or rather, Rob Heubel.
If you're like me, you're seeing him everywhere. In addition to Candidate Zero, who travels the country stumping for NetZero internet access, he's also Inconsiderate Cellphone Man. ("I miss you too, Nana," he says into the phone, making the "she's crazy" circles with his finger pointing to his temple. ) He's also that randomly familiar looking guy in the FedExKinkos and Solae Food ads. If you watch VH1's A to Z, where various funny folks and former campers of mine share alphabetized factoids about celebrities, you've seen him side-by-side with his regular comic collaborator Rob Riggle (who's now a featured player on SNL), as the two enact scenes loosely based on the facts (which are loosely based on reality, with a healthy side of gossipcolumn...it's all very "meta" and quite hilarious).
Why he draws me? Humor, obviously. But physically, he kind of reminds me of this guy I was in love with in high school. Of course, High School Megacrush rarely spoke to me, not because he was necessarily so popular, but because he was so off-the-charts smart that he made me feel intimidated talking to him. I liked him because he seemed accessible. More Duckie than Blaine, if y'all catch my drift. So I did John Hughes-ian things to get his attention, none of which yielded a "leaning over my birthday cake to kiss the object-of-my affection" scenario. (Not even once!) But that's another story for another time.
I know what you're thinking. "Esther, don't forget: he has to be Jewish." Believe me, I haven't forgotten. I don't know whether Rob's a Member of the Tribe. But unpublished scientific studies* have shown that just living in New York makes you 40% Jewish. Add to that "working full-time in the comedy industry" and you're another 35-40% Jewish. If he eats more than three bagels and lox in a given year (+10%) or has attended more than one Seder (+10%), that pushes him into a category ahead of many New York Jews. If he does all these things and is somehow still not Jewish, my advice: just schedule the bris and get it over with.
Still can't place him? Here's his UCB performer profile. Now that you've seen him here, you'll see him everywhere, trust me.
I've got a connection through the improv community. Will I use it? Hard to tell. I'm not that brave a person when it comes to this stuff. Right now, Rob's a candidate for my newest crush on a quasi-celebrity. There are others, but like I said, Candidate Zero's definitely a frontrunner.
And if the romance doesn't work out, I've put out some good karma for a fellow improviser. As I see it, it's a win-win. If he happens to find me, and find me hilarious, and wants to grant me some free UCB classes or suggest my name to his A to Z producers, I wouldn't say no.