Monday, October 04, 2004

CRUSH-ON-A-QUASI-CELEBRITY, PART ONE

(Why "Part One"? Because this is me. There's always going to be a "Part Two." I'm like Quentin Tarantino that way. And in a whole host of other ways. In fact, sometimes, people can't tell me and Q apart. But that's another post. That will indicate I've lost all grip on reality.)

Since Jon Stewart got married and had a baby, I've been looking for a new love, baby. (This will come as a great relief to my friend who writes for the Daily Show--now that I'm not a potential stalker for his employer, he can finally relax and enjoy that second Emmy with the rest of their veritable "melting pot" of a staff.) Having previously explored the possibility of a nice Jewish Braff brother, I was upset to learn that they're all married or working on Scrubs in Los Angeles. Therefore, I concluded, geographically undesirable.

So I decided to focus on some of the more local yokels, people who I might conceivably meet in my improv circles or walking down the street. And then, a clear frontrunner for crush candidacy emerged: Candidate Zero. Or rather, Rob Heubel.

If you're like me, you're seeing him everywhere. In addition to Candidate Zero, who travels the country stumping for NetZero internet access, he's also Inconsiderate Cellphone Man. ("I miss you too, Nana," he says into the phone, making the "she's crazy" circles with his finger pointing to his temple. ) He's also that randomly familiar looking guy in the FedExKinkos and Solae Food ads. If you watch VH1's A to Z, where various funny folks and former campers of mine share alphabetized factoids about celebrities, you've seen him side-by-side with his regular comic collaborator Rob Riggle (who's now a featured player on SNL), as the two enact scenes loosely based on the facts (which are loosely based on reality, with a healthy side of gossipcolumn...it's all very "meta" and quite hilarious).

Why he draws me? Humor, obviously. But physically, he kind of reminds me of this guy I was in love with in high school. Of course, High School Megacrush rarely spoke to me, not because he was necessarily so popular, but because he was so off-the-charts smart that he made me feel intimidated talking to him. I liked him because he seemed accessible. More Duckie than Blaine, if y'all catch my drift. So I did John Hughes-ian things to get his attention, none of which yielded a "leaning over my birthday cake to kiss the object-of-my affection" scenario. (Not even once!) But that's another story for another time.

I know what you're thinking. "Esther, don't forget: he has to be Jewish." Believe me, I haven't forgotten. I don't know whether Rob's a Member of the Tribe. But unpublished scientific studies* have shown that just living in New York makes you 40% Jewish. Add to that "working full-time in the comedy industry" and you're another 35-40% Jewish. If he eats more than three bagels and lox in a given year (+10%) or has attended more than one Seder (+10%), that pushes him into a category ahead of many New York Jews. If he does all these things and is somehow still not Jewish, my advice: just schedule the bris and get it over with.

Still can't place him? Here's his UCB performer profile. Now that you've seen him here, you'll see him everywhere, trust me.

I've got a connection through the improv community. Will I use it? Hard to tell. I'm not that brave a person when it comes to this stuff. Right now, Rob's a candidate for my newest crush on a quasi-celebrity. There are others, but like I said, Candidate Zero's definitely a frontrunner.

And if the romance doesn't work out, I've put out some good karma for a fellow improviser. As I see it, it's a win-win. If he happens to find me, and find me hilarious, and wants to grant me some free UCB classes or suggest my name to his A to Z producers, I wouldn't say no.

4 Comments:

At 4:27 PM, October 04, 2004, Blogger squarepeg said...

My fantasyland rules do not require that Jon Stewart be single and childless. And as for my husband, he just rolled his eyes when I drooled nightly over the Daily Show, moaning, "I loooove him!" Now, unfortunately, I'm in withdrawal as he's not available here in Israel (as far as I'm aware). Jooooooooooooon! (I would have gone nuts in your position, with a friend writing for the show.)

 
At 9:01 PM, October 04, 2004, Blogger Susan said...

I love Inconsiderate Cell Phone Man! Thank you for pointing out that he's also Candidate Zero -- never would have made the connection on my own. Incidentally, I also love the Fandango ads -- especially the ones with the brown paper bag people -- love the Indian couple, "Has the movie sold out my husband?" "Chitra, my wife, I've used Fandango!" "My happiness is a golden poem!" Heck, sometimes the ads are better than the movies.

 
At 11:03 AM, October 05, 2004, Blogger bex said...

Rob is also a spokesperson for Solae protein. Damn, that boy is on fire -- there was an article in the NYT business section about his ubiquity a few months back. I'll tell the a2z'ers about your quasi crush, yo.

 
At 6:24 PM, December 10, 2004, Blogger alyssa said...

esther, sit down for this one: i know him. (ok, i'm not friends with him. my friend is friends with him and i've had drinks with him. so that kind makes me know him, right?) the sad news, esther, is that he's taken. i know, i know, it breaks my heart because i think he's FABULOUS. i've been asking my friend about him since the day i met him while out, what else, drinking!

sorry to break the bad news. the only good news is... well, for me: if he becomes single, my friend who knows him will tell me. (and then he can reject me like every other man in new york...)---xxx, grumpy girl

 

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My Urban Kvetch: CRUSH-ON-A-QUASI-CELEBRITY, PART ONE

Monday, October 04, 2004

CRUSH-ON-A-QUASI-CELEBRITY, PART ONE

(Why "Part One"? Because this is me. There's always going to be a "Part Two." I'm like Quentin Tarantino that way. And in a whole host of other ways. In fact, sometimes, people can't tell me and Q apart. But that's another post. That will indicate I've lost all grip on reality.)

Since Jon Stewart got married and had a baby, I've been looking for a new love, baby. (This will come as a great relief to my friend who writes for the Daily Show--now that I'm not a potential stalker for his employer, he can finally relax and enjoy that second Emmy with the rest of their veritable "melting pot" of a staff.) Having previously explored the possibility of a nice Jewish Braff brother, I was upset to learn that they're all married or working on Scrubs in Los Angeles. Therefore, I concluded, geographically undesirable.

So I decided to focus on some of the more local yokels, people who I might conceivably meet in my improv circles or walking down the street. And then, a clear frontrunner for crush candidacy emerged: Candidate Zero. Or rather, Rob Heubel.

If you're like me, you're seeing him everywhere. In addition to Candidate Zero, who travels the country stumping for NetZero internet access, he's also Inconsiderate Cellphone Man. ("I miss you too, Nana," he says into the phone, making the "she's crazy" circles with his finger pointing to his temple. ) He's also that randomly familiar looking guy in the FedExKinkos and Solae Food ads. If you watch VH1's A to Z, where various funny folks and former campers of mine share alphabetized factoids about celebrities, you've seen him side-by-side with his regular comic collaborator Rob Riggle (who's now a featured player on SNL), as the two enact scenes loosely based on the facts (which are loosely based on reality, with a healthy side of gossipcolumn...it's all very "meta" and quite hilarious).

Why he draws me? Humor, obviously. But physically, he kind of reminds me of this guy I was in love with in high school. Of course, High School Megacrush rarely spoke to me, not because he was necessarily so popular, but because he was so off-the-charts smart that he made me feel intimidated talking to him. I liked him because he seemed accessible. More Duckie than Blaine, if y'all catch my drift. So I did John Hughes-ian things to get his attention, none of which yielded a "leaning over my birthday cake to kiss the object-of-my affection" scenario. (Not even once!) But that's another story for another time.

I know what you're thinking. "Esther, don't forget: he has to be Jewish." Believe me, I haven't forgotten. I don't know whether Rob's a Member of the Tribe. But unpublished scientific studies* have shown that just living in New York makes you 40% Jewish. Add to that "working full-time in the comedy industry" and you're another 35-40% Jewish. If he eats more than three bagels and lox in a given year (+10%) or has attended more than one Seder (+10%), that pushes him into a category ahead of many New York Jews. If he does all these things and is somehow still not Jewish, my advice: just schedule the bris and get it over with.

Still can't place him? Here's his UCB performer profile. Now that you've seen him here, you'll see him everywhere, trust me.

I've got a connection through the improv community. Will I use it? Hard to tell. I'm not that brave a person when it comes to this stuff. Right now, Rob's a candidate for my newest crush on a quasi-celebrity. There are others, but like I said, Candidate Zero's definitely a frontrunner.

And if the romance doesn't work out, I've put out some good karma for a fellow improviser. As I see it, it's a win-win. If he happens to find me, and find me hilarious, and wants to grant me some free UCB classes or suggest my name to his A to Z producers, I wouldn't say no.

4 Comments:

At 4:27 PM, October 04, 2004, Blogger squarepeg said...

My fantasyland rules do not require that Jon Stewart be single and childless. And as for my husband, he just rolled his eyes when I drooled nightly over the Daily Show, moaning, "I loooove him!" Now, unfortunately, I'm in withdrawal as he's not available here in Israel (as far as I'm aware). Jooooooooooooon! (I would have gone nuts in your position, with a friend writing for the show.)

 
At 9:01 PM, October 04, 2004, Blogger Susan said...

I love Inconsiderate Cell Phone Man! Thank you for pointing out that he's also Candidate Zero -- never would have made the connection on my own. Incidentally, I also love the Fandango ads -- especially the ones with the brown paper bag people -- love the Indian couple, "Has the movie sold out my husband?" "Chitra, my wife, I've used Fandango!" "My happiness is a golden poem!" Heck, sometimes the ads are better than the movies.

 
At 11:03 AM, October 05, 2004, Blogger bex said...

Rob is also a spokesperson for Solae protein. Damn, that boy is on fire -- there was an article in the NYT business section about his ubiquity a few months back. I'll tell the a2z'ers about your quasi crush, yo.

 
At 6:24 PM, December 10, 2004, Blogger alyssa said...

esther, sit down for this one: i know him. (ok, i'm not friends with him. my friend is friends with him and i've had drinks with him. so that kind makes me know him, right?) the sad news, esther, is that he's taken. i know, i know, it breaks my heart because i think he's FABULOUS. i've been asking my friend about him since the day i met him while out, what else, drinking!

sorry to break the bad news. the only good news is... well, for me: if he becomes single, my friend who knows him will tell me. (and then he can reject me like every other man in new york...)---xxx, grumpy girl

 

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