MyUrbanKvetch.com

I'm pleased to announce my acquisition of MyUrbanKvetch.com, your one-stop shop for all your urbankvetching needs. Change your bookmarks, and visit often...

BOY, ARE YOU MISSING OUT...

If you haven't changed your links yet, here's what you're missing over at the new site:

What Insurance is For

Blogs Reboiled

When Bloggers Stop Being Polite...

Jake in Progress

Letter from the Material Girl

Me on the cover of TV Guide (sort of)

And the announcement of the My Urban Kvetch "Kvetch Across America" tour.

Don't miss out! Change your links, and come on over! It's much easier than having you all in my studio!

And don't forget to visit Jdaters Anonymous!

EVEN MORE NEW POSTS!!!

Over at the new site:

MARCH POSTS

• "The Bachelorette" Finale
• Madonna vs. Boy George
• Revisiting Josh Braff's Book in Light of the Shalit essay
• Poetry

FEBRUARY POSTS

• Oscar Highlights and Lowlights
• Crazy Jewish Love Spam
• Rollin' on Shabbos

As Gwen Stefani asks, What U Waitin 4?

Join me at the new site. Resistance is futile. (So change those links.)

TRANSITION...

NEW POSTS AT THE TYPEPAD SITE:

The Non-Predictions of Oscarsdamus
The First My Urban Kvetch Field Trip and Theater Outing
"It's Not You...It's Me"--My Breakup Letter to Blogger

I'm finally getting there. The posts are transferred, even with their comments. (God bless Typepad.) The transformation is near-complete.

Muahhahahahahaha!!! Signed, The Evil Almost-Genius of Kvetch

HELP NEEDED FROM TYPEPAD GURUS:
*A quick way to rename and "file" the posts that have been imported
*How to manipulate the template to add blogrolling code, statcounter code, etc
*How to post-date entries (to keep them at the top of the page)
*Any other helpful hints or supa-fly tipz that will help me rock Typepad in an easy-to-read fashion

Thanks, yo. I'll let all y'all know when I've moved fa good.

GET BRENT'S BOD

Finally, you can attain a celebrity's physique! International megastar of the BBC's hit show The Office Ricky Gervais reveals his sexy dieting secrets:

While Rene Zellweger embarked on rigorous campaign of pizza-eating and Guinness-drinking to fill Bridget Jones' rather large pants, Gervais spent ten years gobbling down cheese and imbibing beer to play David Brent in The Office.

I'll be filing this under "Reasons to Love the British."

BEER, FOAMY...GOOD

An interesting post over at JDaters Anonymous (if I do say so myself) about the merits of alcohol in social situations.





(Sorry, Ken. Lent will be over soon. Actually, I have no idea when Lent's over since they never taught us that in yeshiva. Easter? In which case it's not that soon...but I support your commitment, however long it lasts.)

PUTTING THE "DIE" BACK IN "DIET", PART DEUX: THE HUBRIS AWARD

And the Hubris Award Goes to…

Inventor Ray Kurzweil, author of Fantastic Voyage: Live Long Enough to Live Forever, who predicts a coming explosion in technology that will make infinite life spans possible.

In a recent interview, Kurzweil spoke of humanity's coming immortality as if it's as good as done. He says he sees human intelligence not only conquering its biological limits, including death, but completely mastering the natural world.

Some images that come to mind: the kids from Fame singing ("I wanna live forever...I wanna learn how to fly...HIGH!"), the Tower of Babel falling, pride goeth-ing before a fall, every flawed hero of a Shakespeare tragedy, etc…

Critics say that Kurzweil's predictions of immortality are wild fantasies based on unjustifiable leaps from current technology. Kurzweil says that his critics don't appreciate the exponential nature of technological advance.

I guess they’ll just have to agree to disagree. A quote that comes to mind:
"It's symbolic of our struggle against oppression!"
"It's symbolic of your struggle against reality..."

In his latest book, Kurzweil defines what he calls his three bridges to immortality. The "First Bridge" is a health regimen to keep people fit enough to cross the "Second Bridge," a biotechnological revolution that will block disease-causing genes and create new ones that would slow or stop the aging process. The "Third Bridge" is the nanotechnology and artificial-intelligence revolution, which Kurzweil predicts will deliver the nanobots to work in our bloodstreams and brains. These intelligent machines will destroy disease, rebuild organs and obliterate limits on human intelligence.

"Paging Neo. Neo, to the white courtesy phone."

PUTTING THE “DIE” BACK IN “DIET”

Welcome to what I suspect will be a continuing series on fad diets and the crazy people who adopt them. (Add Ryan Seacrest and it sounds like a reality show for FOX.)

One Meal A Day

Brad, Courteney, Elizabeth Hurley…these paragons of nutrition have all “benefited” from the one-meal-a-day diet. The gist of this article? The groundbreaking news that this kind of dieting is bad for you. (Duh.)

Shark Blood: Australian for Nutrition

After being adrift at sea for seven weeks and presumed lost, three fishermen were forced to drink shark blood and rain-water in order to survive. Mmm...shark blood.

The French Diet—Snack and Be Taunted a Second Time

A lot has been written recently about the fact that there are no fat French women. While I'm still not convinced this is true, here is a partial list of the reasons that French people are thinner, even if they consume a lot of fat and alcohol.
• Their portions are smaller.
• They eat only at mealtimes. (Snacking is frowned upon.)
• They eat a wider variety of food.
• They don't skip meals.

This also just in: being snooty burns 235 calories an hour.

Soda Companies—Making Diets Cool for Men

In an attempt to make dieting and diet products more "man-friendly," instead of taking the tried-and-true road of placing the product next to a hot woman in a bikini, soda companies are eschewing the word "diet" in favor of other alternatives, like Sierra Mist Free. I guess the theory is that a man would feel wimpy ordering a Diet Sierra Mist, but what man doesn't like something that's free? Personally, I think the problem here is the "Sierra Mist" part. Even I feel wussy ordering it.


Plus, just when you thought Diet Coke was the diet version of Coca-Cola Classic, the Coca-Cola Company says "nuh-uh, it's like, a totally different formula," and announced that it will soon introduce Coke Zero or possibly Coke Light, truer to Coca-Cola Classic in flavor than Diet Coke, and without all the pesky calories.

I've got one more story in the vein of health, diet and nutrition, but I'm giving it its own post. So stay tuned.

NEW MACHER IN TOWN

Claiming the title of "The Ultimate Jewish Website," and boasting the slogan of "Your Gateway to the Jewish Community," along comes Machers.

An initial review of the site leaves the impression that while it is an effective directory-style amalgam of collected information (Jewish news feeds, lists of online singles organizations, a Jewish blogroll), there's no real substantive content (either original or reprinted) to speak of. Yet. But the site looks like an ambitious beginning to what could become a major resource for both links and content.

And you heard it here first.

A RANDOM LANGUAGE THOUGHT

I’ve recently begun thinking that we should take everyday verbs and create proper-name oriented slang for them.

It’s a nod to Buffyspeak and also provides corporate naming opportunities, like those that already exist for things like arenas and potentially, subway stations.

We could call it Kvetchese (or Baby Fish Mouth, since I’m sure it will be sweeping the nation).

For instance:

On Sunday morning, I Tropicanaed and Quaker Oated. A little while later, I Niked out of my apartment, and Starbucked over to 81st Street for a meeting. Since there were no seats, I Metrocarded up to the store on 101st, where I finally managed to Sumatra Decaf my way through a grande java bev. After Carrie Bradshawing my way through my column, I returned home for some righteous Netflixing.

DYLAN MCDERMOTT CAST IN NEW SERIES

According to Mediaweek's A.J. Frutkin, Practice's McDermott to Star in CBS' 3 Lbs.

Apparently it's a show about man's search for the perfect woman with the perfect weight.

I'm kidding. (Jeeze!) It's a medical drama for CBS about a group of brain surgeons. Barry Levinson will direct the pilot.

McDermott's been a lawyer. Now, a doctor. What next, an accountant?

Maybe the brain weighs 3 pounds. But anyone who saw Jerry Maguire knows that the human head weighs eight pounds. And they say that TV can't learn ya nuthin'.

THE REAL QUESTION: WHEN ISN'T "LAW & ORDER" ON?

That question aside, if you want to watch "Law & Order" but don't know if it's on, here are a three easy ways to find out.

1) There's this thing called "TV Guide." I think it's like, a magazine or something. You buy it, you read it, and then you know stuff, like when TV shows are on.
2) Is it evening or night-time? Chances are, you're missing three episodes of "L & O" right now. Turn on your TV and find out.
3) For those who want to plan ahead, here's a guy who has a complete list of which shows are scheduled to air when. Plus, CHARTS!

And people say I watch too much TV.

"GATES" AND JUDAISM

In this article in the Forward (free registration may be required to read the story, but copious excerpts are available here), there is a discussion of the Jewish meaning that can be applied to the famous "Gates" installation in Central Park.

A few hours after the installation's inauguration, Michael Strassfeld, a rabbi whose congregation meets just a few short steps from the celebrated 16-day installation, brought together a group of some 70 of his congregants for a Sabbath-afternoon talk on the place of the gate in Jewish thought. Traditionally, explained the rabbi, the city gate is where the action is: where one goes for news, for trade. It is where justice is administered.

Whenever anyone mentions gates in the context of Jewish life, I think of several things: the synagogue I've attended for ten years (Shaarei Zedek--Gates of Righteousness), the gates of Jerusalem, and the synagogue I tell people I'm going to when I'm really just sleeping in (Shaarei Sheinah--Gates of Sleep).

The gate is no less central in the relationship between man and God. One need think only of the gates of prayer, the gates of repentance. The closing portion of the Yom Kippur liturgy, the Ne'ilah service, which centers on the closing of the heavenly gates, is regarded as the penitent's last chance at redemption. The gate is the threshold between the known and the unknown, past and future. It's a place of risk, where demons lurk; it's where one hangs the mezuzah.

This threshhold thing reminds me of an episode of Charmed, wherein a little girl was scared of doorways and windows because that's where gremlins lived. I keep waiting for Makor to offer a class in Jewish demonology, 'cause I'll be so there. Especially if we talk about Lilith as the progenitrice of BTVS's vengeance demon, Anya.

Wrappings and coverings constitute an astounding number of Judaism's ritual objects: the curtain for the Holy Ark, the prayer shawl, the wedding canopy, the kittel prayer robe — each endowing what it covers with ceremonial uniqueness. And such, some say, has been the effect of the Gates' billowing fabric on visitors in Central Park.

I'm going to go on record: I really wish the fabric were a different color. Which color would I prefer? I don't know. I'm no artist. The orange (or as the Christos like to call it, "saffron") throws me into a visual panic. It looks like there are hazard cones all around the park, outlining it as one big Law and Order crime scene, or creating the effect that Central Park is experiencing an "orange" level of terror threat.

Or maybe that's just my own internal terror alert system.

THOUGHT OF THE DAY: SANDRA DEE

Sandra Dee passed away at age 62 after a long bout of kidney disease.

The sad thing is, there's a whole generation (mine) for whom Sandra Dee's name is nothing but a punchline, rhyming with "lousy with virginity." Oh come on--you know the minute you heard about Dee's passing, you were picturing Stockard Channing with that blonde wig on, making fun of Sandy who's in the bathroom passing out after smoking and having her ears pierced at the slumber party with the Pink Ladies. In fact, I'd wager that when we first memorized the song (from "Grease," if you're completely clueless), we had no idea that there was an actual person named Sandra Dee. We probably thought Sandy's last name was Dee. (It's actually Oleson.)

If we've ever even heard of Gidget, we think Sally Field. And thanks to Kevin Spacey's Beyond the Sea, we now have an image of Dee as played by Kate Bosworth.

She deserves a better legacy. I'm gonna add some of her movies to my Netflix list. Suggestions welcome.

TWO BRADS, NO WAITING

Now there's more than enough Brad to go around. One for Jennifer, and one for Angelina.

Brad Pitt's set to star in a movie called Chad Schmitt: the plot centers on a struggling 1980s actor who wants to be a celebrity, and realizes he is identical to Brad Pitt. (I wonder who plays Brad's dad? Chad's dad? Egad! I think we've all been had!)

I guess it's like Dave, but with twice the Brad and no future of the free world at stake. Which I guess makes it not like Dave at all.

It may be a little more like Sliding Doors, actually, with dueling Gwynnies. I wonder what would happen if the two Gwynnies from Sliding Doors met up with the two Brads from Chad Schmitt. I think that would yield a Celebrity Deathmatch worth the pay-per-view charge.

MADONNA "PROMOTED" ON POTENTIAL ROAD TO RABBINATE

Welcome back to everyone's favorite place-to-visit-but-you-wouldn't-want-to-live-there, the Hall of Celebrity Weirdness.

Today’s exhibit focuses on the latest achievement by the woman who exhorted her papa not to preach and encouraged women everywhere to express themselves as they, on holiday, celebration come together from every nation.

According to source contactmusic.com, Madonna has been promoted to the highest pre-ordination level possible within what the article calls the “Church of Kabbalah.” That’s right.

Just to recap, we have now learned the following…

1) Kabbalah is a church.
2) One can be promoted in Kabbalah. It is unclear if one can be left back. Also unclear is if promotion comes with full medical and dental. Optical, of course, is not included.
3) If Madonna learns one more thing, she’s going to have to release a song called “Like a Rabbi.” (“paskening* for the very first time…like a ra-a-a-aabbi, cause your shul’s not as frum** as mine…”)

Please feel free to suggest additional titles, topics and lyrics for Rabbi Madge’s future songs. Songs may be new (e.g., “Call Me Rabbi, But I’m Still a Woman” –a duet with Britney Spears) or reissues of previous Madonna hits (e.g., “Who’s That Maidel?”).


*Paskening means "making halakhic (Jewish law-related) decisions."
**Frum means "religiously observant."

MY URBAN KVETCH DOES TYPEPAD: BETA SITE UP

I know. I'm pretending to be a web geek. This may not technically be a beta site. But it is where my blog will be once I negotiate the dang "import your posts from Blogger" feature. Until then, I will continue to post mostly here. Once the move is final, I'll post an official announcement here so you can update your links.

In the interim, consider this a sneak preview of the new look of My Urban Kvetch. Which, admittedly, looks a lot like the old My Urban Kvetch. But that's just to help you transition, gentle reader.

Also available on this site, new posts on the Breakfast Club, my media blitz, and more. The blogroll is in process, so don't panic if you're not there. As if.

Check me out: My Urban Kvetch 2005

Feedback welcome!

CONSTANTINE

Let it not be said that bloggers get no perks. Tonight, I attended a preview screening of CONSTANTINE, which turned out to be a pleasant surprise.

I have to get the worst part over with first. Some people are simply insufferable, and their every move as grating as nails on a chalkboard: talking and chomping their way through the whole movie...two young women next to me went through the following snacks during the movie--nacho chips, hot pretzel bites, popcorn, gummi bears, Twizzlers, some sort of chocolate malted thing and two large cokes. I had a Luna bar. (Clearly, I do not know how to have fun at a movie.) These two women continued to comment on the most obvious moments of the movie ("ooh, he's got a gun"; "he's a demon!"etc). After shushing them once, I was on the receiving end of a look of death, and I decided to choose life and not shush them again.

I have to admit, I was expecting Van Helsing--a cheesy CGI-fest in which a hunky star battles the forces of darkness. But I actually liked this new movie starring Keanu Reeves (even though is now and forever our Ted "Theodore"Logan). Maybe it was my steady diet of Angel and Buffy over the last fewyears that did it, but I kept seeing elements that I liked in the whole that was Constantine.

Take Neo, first and foremost, because it is the role of Reeves' career, and because The Matrix and "bullet time" will probably inform any sci-fi work from here on in. Add an Indiana Jones good vs. evil archaeological artifact-centered back story, Dogma-brand explanations of thebalance of the universe, and ice this cake with with Buffy-style banter and deadpan delivery. Then, lacquer the movie in James Bond polish. Sure, some of the demons look familiar after this much sci-fi, but that's par for the course. (I would be really interested in hearing the opinion of someone who saw the movie and is also a fan of the original comic book; I thought HELLBOY was pretty good, but I seem to recall the fanboys not being so happy with the result.)

Sure, the CGI is there, but there's (surprise!) an actual story! And it also has (shock and awe!) good performances from Tilda Swinton, Djimon Honsou andGavin Rossdale (that's right, both members of the Rossdale/Stefani household are double billing it this year--I guess the rock-and-roll lifestyle's more expensive than they thought if each of them needs to take a second job ). I did not even recognize Shia LeBeouf (who once joked that in Yiddish and French, his name means "save the beef"), buthe provided excellent comic relief and genuinely entertaining moments as Short Round to Keanu's Dr. Jones. Rachel Weisz, while key to the plot and far from the standard hapless female foil, wasn't all that in this movie. Not because she's not a good actress, but because she's like four good actresses. Rachel shares a face with: Kate Winslet, Natalie Portman, Keira Knightley, and when the light hits her right, Winona Ryder. Same face, different actresses. Just like Portia and Drea.

During the waning moments of the movie, I started to think about life, afterlife, and the concepts of heaven and hell in the Jewish tradition. And then, I focused on Keanu's abs. Because this movie was not a philosophical polemic...or WAS IT? When I arrived home, there was an email in my inbox inviting me to download the CONSTANTINE Bible study guide, to help me (as a "savvy ministry leader") "harness the interest in spiritual things that the Warner Brothers film will create." The email predicted: "Everyone, and I mean everyone, will be talking about salvation, sin, forgiveness, and spiritual welfare, all because of Constantine." (So, you heard it here first, Christian ministry leaders who read my blog looking for discussion topics...)

In summary, CONSTANTINE won't win any awards, but my opinion is that it has enough of all the things that we look for in a movie. It's a diversion. There's humor, which is always welcome for the world-weary, and some superficial discussion of what God's expectations are of the human race, itself a topic for constant discussion and speculation, but ultimately with no ratifiable resolution. Some people voiced their confusion loudly upon leaving the theater, but I didn't overthink it. CONSTANTINE surpassed my expectations. And that's all's I got to say about that.

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES...

As I previously said, I'm having some problems switching over to Typepad, so you may encounter posting problems when you try to comment. So far, seems like the comments are being recorded by the system (and I get them emailed to me), but are not always posted immediately. Your patience is appreciated...

COMEDY DOMINATION: THE NEW PLAN

Since the Daily Show does NOT seem about to hire me as an entertainment consultant (I guess there's no comeback in the cards for "We Heart Showbiz") and since I am therefore NOT poised for discovery by Comedy Central (my favorite network since 1993), I've had to do some contingency planning.

From MediaWeek:
Comedy Central reached a deal to finance Jon Stewart’s production company, Busboy Productions, that guarantees the network a first-look at all television projects that are developed by the shop.

So, here's the new plan:

1) Create television project.
2) Find corporate offices of Busboy Productions.
3) Camp out there until the next Star Wars movie opens.
4) Go back and revise step 3.
5) Skip steps 4 and 5 entirely and proceed directly to step 6.
6) Procure appointment with Busboy development executive.
7) Wow him with original concepts, DVD of my Rosh Hashanah appearance on Good Day NY, and old grainy videotape of an improv show I did four years ago.
8) Fall in love with development executive (did I mention he's single and Jewish?)
9) Announce engagement the same day that development deal is made public, and field deals for a reality show following two comedy professionals from engagement to chuppah.
10) Co-executive produce show with brother Simmy and with Stewart, who is so impressed with my perspective and ability to break kosher Triaminic-related stories more than two weeks before Stephen Colbert that he drafts me for occasional segments on Jews in Hollywood.

And end scene.

[APPLAUSE]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BREAKFAST CLUB

The year was 1985. I was in high school. So were Bender, Allison, Claire, Andrew ("Sporto") and Brian.

20 years later, they are still in high school, dancing in the library, eating Captain Crunch and Pixie Stix sandwiches and throwing cold cuts at statues.

But after two decades, you learn things about your Shermer High School friends that maybe you didn't know: For instance, Bender (Judd Nelson) could have been played by John Cusack or Nicolas Cage. Might Molly have made a better basket case than Ally did? It was a thought that the producers had at some point over the casting process.

For more, see this article. It contains several top five lists of things you didn't know about the Breakfast Club, including the tantalizing tidbit that writer/director John Hughes has an hour of additional footage that didn't make the studio's final cut. Petitionsonline, anyone?

IDEA: Ally Sheedy and Molly Ringwald are both now living in New York. Write and launch a play reviving the two female characters--called "Because You're Letting Me"--that goes inside the bathroom where Claire gives Allison a makeover 20 years ago. The acting challenge: have Ally play Claire, and Molly play Allison. Their conversation runs to boys, social structure, and "carrying this much shit in your bag."

"THE SKINNY ON USING THE F-WORD"

My new column in the Jewish Week, "The Skinny on Using the F-Word," is now available online. Enjoy!

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO...HMMMM....

February 20 is the 64th birthday of singer-songwriter Buffy Sainte-Marie. However, it is also the 51st birthday of actor Anthony Stewart Head, who portrayed Watcher/crooner Rupert Giles on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Coincidence?

CHANGE IS HARD

Change is hard. Everyone says so. And after spending hours trying to transfer my posts from Blogger to Typepad, I'm inclined to agree.

So yes, my threat to move away from Blogger is not quite an empty one, nor has it totally come to fruition. I do hope that this will all be resolved shortly, and I will then be welcoming you to the new and improved My Urban Kvetch--a new Kvetch for a new year. (Yes, this was supposed to be done in January.)

Hopefully, my fairy blogmother can help me out. Stay tuned for more of the same kvetch times at this same kvetch channel.

CELEBRITY X-FILE: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

Hello, boys and girls. And welcome to the hall of celebrity spiritual weirdness.

Kabbalah : Madonna :: Scientology : ________________

Here's another clue:

Agent Mulder: Uncovering alien conspiracy at FBI:: _____________: Uncovering alien conspiracy in the entertainment industry

Still nothing? OK, one more.

Adam: tilling the soil of the Garden of Eden:: ____________:ridding Planet Earth of nuclear Scientology-blocking aliens

Give up? Today's Scientology-crazed celeb is former "Dharma and Greg" costar Jenna Elfman.

“I intend to make Scientology as accessible to as many people as I can. And that is my goal,” Elfman said. To do this, she says, it is my “duty to clear the planet.” By “clearing” she means to rid the world of “body thetans” — aliens who Scientologists believe inhabit the earth from a nuclear explosion 75 million years ago.

OK, I know. L. Ron Hubbard. Dianetics. Life-changing spiritual approach embraced by Tom Cruise. Yada, yada, yada. I had no idea that nuclear aliens were involved. Maybe some of my readers want to weigh in on the positive aspects of Scientology, so I'm not being totally unfair? Please do. In the interim, let's read on:

She continued that “the more successful I became, the more suppression I bumped into … especially in the entertainment industry, which really is home to rabid suppression.”

Is the entertainment industry really "home to rabid suppression"? Or does she mean...something else???*

An unconfirmed source from inside my head has supplied credible evidence to support the fact that Madonna is assembling a team of top Kabbalists who will kidnap Elfman, bring her to the Kabbalah Centre and wrap her in red string until she requests a bottle of Kabbalah water.

(Mental note: Do not accept offers of Kool-Aid from Jenna Elfman, even if it is made with Kabbalah water.)

*I'm not saying that she's an anti-Semite. I'm just saying that if you replace the word suppression with the word Jews, it's a whole different story. Not that I'm paranoid. Because there's no truth to the stereotype about the Jews running the media. Otherwise, I'd have my own show. I'm just sayin'.

TONIGHT: "SCRUBS" HAS A LAUGH TRACK

Clay Aiken! Low-cut scrubs! Colin Hay, from Men at Work!!

Tonight's Scrubsapalooza features a complete departure from their usual, low-key, non-laugh tracky goodness in favor of a foray into the traditional conventions of the multi-camera sitcom:

Via Zap2It:

"All the patients in the beds will be models and very handsome, very attractive," [Scrubs creator Bill]Lawrence says a few days prior to the shoot, which harkens back to his time working on shows like "Spin City" and "Friends." "All the female doctors will, for some reason, be wearing low-cut scrubs. Everything that a sitcom might do."

The sitcom premise is an extended fantasy sequence by J.D. (Braff), who's treating a man who once wrote for "Cheers" (Ken Lerner, himself a sitcom vet). Lawrence also wants the episode to be a thank-you to the show's audience by inviting some of them to watch the show being made -- something that doesn't happen during a normal week, when "Scrubs" is shooting at an abandoned hospital in North Hollywood.

"What we're trying to do in the middle of it, even though we're doing sitcommy stories and sitcommy things, is ultimately have a great experience for the fans," he says. "Which means we're still writing funny jokes. So I hope people will like it on two levels -- hopefully they'll watch it and laugh because we took time to write really funny stuff, and on some level be enjoying the fact that we're tweaking the format a little bit."

OK, Bill. You don't have to twist my arm. I'll be watching. And I know several other interested parties who will likely tune in for this stunt.

But I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you a citation for excessive use of the non-word "sitcommy."

"YOUR EPIDERMIS IS SHOWING"

And the winner, for best karaoke song rendered while naked and behind a screen, goes to Ray and Marie LeBrun, for their rendition of Bob Seger's "Fire Down Below."

Why'd they win? For their pioneering spirit. For their bravery. For their willingness to go all the way.

And because they were the only ones.

Earlier in the evening, the assembled crowds weren't sure that anyone at all would dare to bare both souls and bodies through song:

There better be nude singing," said Rick Smolicz, a New Britain resident who arrived at 5 p.m. to get a seat. "I spent $60 on liquor so far, and if there is no one singing naked, I'm going to be talking to someone about this bill."

As word spread among those who waited for the show to begin that any naked singing would be done behind a privacy screen, most agreed that the event was still "worth it.""I mean, do you see anyone in here you would really want to see naked and singing?" Chuck Beers said as he surveyed the room. "The curtain will probably be a blessing."

Beers is absolutely right. I've been to karaoke on the Upper East Side, and even that crowd isn't buffworthy. (Speaking of Buff, as Buffy might have said: "Beers...foamy, good.")

Another note? "Chuck Beers" is an imperative sentence.

"Oh, it was fun," said Marie LeBrun, who added that neither she nor her husband planned to tell their three children about the performance.

I would say their secret's out now. If asked to explain their behavior to their three children, I would advise the LeBruns to go with: "We were totally drunk, and did something that we regret--see? Alcohol is BAD."

JEWLICIOUS, THE BLOG: THE TRIP

“You’ve got your blog in my Israel trip!”

“No, you’ve got your Israel trip in my blog!”

“Wait a minute…it’s a blog that becomes an Israel trip! Mmm, this trip is Jewlicious!”

Not since chocolate met peanut butter has a pairing been so natural. Jewlicious—which is Algonquin for “Bloggers Who Win in Two Categories”—is now putting its Zionism where its feet are. In what is certainly the first instance of blog-morphing-into-Israel-trip that I’m aware of, Jewlicious and birthright Israel are partnering for a new approach to traveling the Holy Land.

The deal: birthright is for Jews ages 18-26 (why only till age 26? I think because it’s “bar mitzvah times two”) who have never been to Israel on a peer trip before. And the trip is free. Registration starts March 3.

If you are Jewish, in the target age range and have never been to Israel, I can’t think of a better way to recommend you see the Holy Land. Laya and CK, two of Jewlicious’s bloggers, are also experienced birthright madrikhim (counselors), and are certain to bring their irreverent edge to this program of intense Israel appreciation.

This trip is so going to rock. I can’t wait to see Jewlicious: The Trip—The Blog. (That is the blog of the Israel trip that's being led by the blog.) And then, the inevitable: Jewlicious: The Trip--The Blog: The Musical.

JIB AWARDS: UNRATIFIED RESULTS ARE IN

Well, it's been a long month or so, as Jewish and Israeli blogs battled it out, some through amity and others through enmity, in competition for the JIB Awards. Polling is now closed, and the unratified results can be viewed here. But to sum up, for a new blog that isn't overwhelmed by traffic on any given day, we did very well here at My Urban Kvetch. And FOEs (Friends of Esther) did pretty well too.

In Best New Blog, we placed third, behind #1 FOE Jewlicious and Treppenwitz, who I'll have to check out now.

In Best Culture Blog, MUK was fourth and JDatersAnonymous came in eighth. The winners were Jewlicious, Sha and Jewschool (one of the first blogs I started reading a year ago).

In Best Personal Blog, AriGoesDown blew the competition out of the water with help from her minions. But that's okay. Ari was the first person to invite me to cross over from the virtual "I read your blog" world into the actual "we're having a book club, why don't you come and meet other bloggers" world. #2 was Treppenwitz again, then FOE Chayyei Sarah (who was robbed in Best Series--her Shabbat posts were amazing, even if the Jewish blogosphere didn't recognize them...read them all here). Other FOEs in this category were writersbloc and Superjux, so I'm giving them an honorable mention.

And in the most hotly contested category, Best Humor Blog, My Urban Kvetch was a solid second. But with an even solider #1 was Protein Wisdom. #3 was a vocal and determined DovBear. You remember...DovBear accused me of being the Bride of Satan. Whereas we all know full well that if I had been the bride of anything, my parents would have pictures of it. But it's all good. We're all friends. And we can all move on.

A congrats to Lisa On the Face, who took Best Life in Israel blog. (Check out her series on how she got to Israel.)

And since there were many great blogs who didn't place in the top three in categories where I thought they would, I'm including my own list of honorable mentions. They are classy, entertaining, humorous blogs deserving of a click and a blogroll:

An Unsealed Room
Bloghead
Chez Miscarriage
Seraphic Secret
Renegade Rebbetzin
Jack's Shack
Passionate Life

The point of the JIB Awards was not simply to win. (Although it would have been nice.) Dave at IsraellyCool, who organized the awards, always had in mind that the Awards would help us to become aware of other Jewish- and Israel-related blogs, in the hope of bringing we who wander the blogosphere a little closer to a virtual Promised Land. So check them out, and if you like them, stay a while. Leave comments. Become part of the community.

This community has been wonderful to me, and I'm gratified that you keep coming back. Thank you!

A VERY BRADY NIP/TUCK

There's nothing like keeping romance all in the family.

There's not a soul my age who's unaware of the famous "Barry Williams/Florence Henderson" date that shook the very foundations of the Bradyverse (until, as Ethan Hawke's character pointed out in "Reality Bites," Mr. Brady died of AIDS).

And now FX's Nip/Tuck is having its own "very Brady moment."

Joely Richardson and John Hensley, co-stars of the plastic surgery dramedy Nip/Tuck, are dating. (They've apparently been linked since October, and no one breathed a word to me.)

On the show, Hensley plays an 18-year-old (whose most recent involvement was with trans-sexual life coach played by Famke Janssen). But he's really 27. And Richardson, who plays his mother, is 39.

Maybe one of the actors out there can explain to me how two actors can fall in love and have a passionate personal romantic relationship, and then return to set and act like mother and son. I know, I know. It's called acting. Is it ok that that's not a sufficient explanation for me? What if they decide to get married? Isn't that weird for the chemistry of the show?

One thing I will say. I love this show, and not just because everyone in the cast is so damn hot. I think we get new episodes in June.

"Excuse me, Dr. Television? The patient is all prepped and ready for her brain surgery. Your scalpel, sir."

GANDOLFINI'S WEAPON OF CHOICE: CARBS

For those of you who always knew James Gandolfini--and carbohydrates--were dangerous...

Apparently, the Sopranos pater familias decided that several of his fellow castmates deserved to get whacked. By bread and light snacks.

I say if the mob's gonna rub you out, best to die by carbs.

THEORETICALLY

You know that kid on the playground? The one who called you a stupid-head, or a kaka-brain, or who was more than gleeful to be able to tell you that you had more than a few cooties? His persistence was obnoxious, even if his comments held no truths or resonance. He was more annoying than harmful, even to the fragilest egos. He was the one who would pull your pigtails, then run away before you could find a teacher. When you were growing up, adult figures told you not to play with kids like him--if you ignore him, he'll go away. But the truth is, he never goes away, and never really changes.

From those early interchanges on the playground, it's not immediately clear how he'll evolve into an adult. He might become a lawyer, or a doctor, or an actor: a profession in which he's paid to talk and people pay to listen. The only thing you know for sure is that after the recess of your education is over, he vanishes. And you're glad.

You grow up, get a job, a life, etc. So does he. Theoretically. He grows physically, often intellectually, even reaching a place where he can use language fairly effectively. He might become a writer of sorts, immerse himself in himself (as he always liked to do), and emerge on the other side of the struggle as a scraggly, cantankerous, provocative version of his younger, pigtail-pulling self.

He has learned from his time on the playground that if you hate someone, you don't have to have logic on your team; you just need to assert yourself, louder than anyone else. He has learned that the pen is mightier than the sword, and that he can pull your emotional pigtails much more effectively if he can infect others with his opinion, and effect a manner of wounding even wider than usual.

Say there's a former playground-dweller who has refused to take a recess from his desire to make other people feel uncomfortable and unworthy. Say he finds himself on a different kind of asphalt, but with the adult-size representations of the kids he liked to make uncomfortable when he was a kid...

Say it's because of his own feelings of displacement that he's internalized the lesson that making other people feel bad about themselves, their professional ability and their worthiness generates an intoxicating power. Say he's masquerading as a paragon of religious virtue, but his actions convey a certain sense of Satanic soullessness.

Say you become aware of such a man-child, so consumed with himself-as-empty-calories that he feels the need to take cheap shots at others without cause. And say he's selected you as his target. In loco parentis, on a protoplasmic level, your cells are screaming, "ignore him, and he'll go away." But you can't, because you are wounded, however mildly and illogically, by this person who doesn't even know enough of you or your work to make the statements he makes. You know it's wrong to engage him. "It's what he wants," your inner voice warns.

So you don't engage him directly. You do what you can with the tools available. And you hope that he doesn't notice that he's gotten to you, because you want to be so much better than that. But you can't help your humanity. And that's where you differ.

Say there's someone out there (and there is someone out there) who always seems to hate what you've written. He spews negativity about you and your work. And yet, he keeps reading you.

You might wonder what his motivation is.

I'm just saying.

SHOW ME YOUR, AHEM, TALENT

At last--karaoke singers can bare their souls without the pesky restrictions of clothing.

BERLIN, Conn. Feb 9, 2005 — After a yearlong fight with the town, a bar is going ahead with a plan to have patrons belt out ballads in the buff. On Saturday night, the Berlin Station Cafe is scheduled to hold its controversial "Naked Karaoke" event.

Which begs the question...which songs are the best ones to be rendered au naturel?

My list:

1) See Me, Hear Me, Touch Me, Feel Me--because it's always helpful for nude singers to issue instructions to their audiences.
2) Paradise by the Dashboard Light--because a classic duet about teenage sex (which contains baseball commentary) becomes so much more seminal when the singers are nekkid.
3) The Stroke--because Billy Squier's ode is that much more poignant when accompanied by a visual.
4) Do You Love Me?--oops, no need to ask: I can see for myself.
5) Dress You Up (in My Love)--this Madonnesther song has love-as-clothing imagery, as well as multiple warblings of "from your head down to your toes" that potentially leads to suggestive choreography.
6) Rumpshaker/Baby Got Back/Bootylicious/The Humpty Dance--no explanations necessary.

More songs to be added to the list as I consider this today, and as my readers write in with their own...

JIB FINALS UPDATE: LET'S JUST SAY I'M NOT WINNING...

I hate to say it, but I'm losing this competition.

Who knew the race for JIB greatness would create carnage the likes of which have been unseen since Middle Earth's Battle of Helm's Deep...

Sarah says that a vote for her is a vote for world peace.

DovBear, beginning to understand that he's not going to win (perhaps as punishment for inferring that I'm maritally involved with Satan), has conceded.

Jack (not my brother) has launched his master plan to sweep the 2014 JIB Awards. I say, good for him, but mostly because I hope that by 2014 I'll be too busy with my family and book tours to worry about where I rank with the blogosphere.

Although I'm still second in the Best Humor Blog race, it seems that no one can stand opposite Protein Wisdom, a monster blog I never heard of which apparently has some major pull with the blog-and-vote generation. Unless I get about 230 votes before Sunday, I'm not winning either.

(If I were a German movie, I'd be "Run Esther Run".)

Maybe I should have run a better campaign; hired Harvey Weinstein to promote the bejeezus out of my product. Too late now. I'm not conceding yet. Because I'm still hoping for a miracle.

As my Biblical namesake might have said, who knows if for this reason I have ascended to this place? I shall do what I need to do, and if I have lost, I have lost. If you haven't voted, and would like to, you can cast your votes here.

As a reminder, here are the categories in which I'm nominated:

Best New Blog 2004--My Urban Kvetch
Best Humor Blog--My Urban Kvetch
Best Personal Blog--My Urban Kvetch
Best Jewish Culture Blog--My Urban Kvetch or Jdaters Anonymous

Since Hilary Swank and Jamie Foxx don't seem to be nominated in this competition, I might just have a decent shot.

This finalist isn't demanding anyone's vote; there are many worthy nominees. However, should you wish to consider me in these categories, I would be most appreciative of the support. I would be especially grateful if you should see fit to vote for me as best humor blog--laughter is core to my being, and if I've made you laugh, it's the greatest reward I could ask for.

Voting is now open at IsraellyCool and runs through next Sunday. Each person is allowed to vote once. (Cheaters will have their votes removed like they did in the preliminary round, so don't do me any lyin' cheatin' favors by inflating the totals...)

Clicking here will take you to the voting page! And thanks to all of you for helping me get this far...

SINGLE FOR VALENTINE'S DAY?

Yup. Me too. But as this article at GenerationJ.com tells you, this holiday isn't about bemoaning your singlehood, it's about celebrating yourself. Or at least trying to.

The Single's Guide to a Heart-Smart Valentine's Day
GenerationJ.com
(February 2005)

INDIANA JEWS AND THE TEMPLE MOUNT DIRT

Grab your brown fedoras, your whips and your Zionism--the three must-have fashion items of the new century for all budding Jewish archaeologists--and head East. Due East. To Jerusalem...

Via a Yahoo! Group I belong to…:

As many of you may know, the Waqf Temple Mount Authority has been taking dirt from under Har HaBayit (The Temple Mount) for some years and dumping in the Kidron Valley in order to remove any historical/archaelogical proof of Jewish presence there. There is now a dig underway, run by PhD students at Bar Ilan University, that has recovered the dirt, brought it to Mt. Scopus and is sifting through it to catalog its contents. They are always in need of volunteers to help sift and clean the artifacts- it's a fantastic opportunity and a great way to experience history. If you'll be in Jerusalem, call this number: 011-972-52-470-5755.

Dirt can really travel in the Holy Land. From one mountain (the Temple Mount) to the valley, and now back up on a different Mount (Scopus). If anyone reads this and heads off to become trained as a Lord of the Sift, you are cordially invited to submit a summary of your experiences for posting on this blog.

SUCKS TO BE JEW: CIRCUMCISION ABSTRACT

Since everyone’s been captivated by the Tale of the Mohel and the Herpes (a messed-up fairy tale title if e’er there was one), when I found this medical abstract about oral suction used as a medical technique in ritual circumcision, I thought I’d post it here for your edification.

The abstract, which lists among its contributors YU’s Moshe Tendler and Hadassah Hospital’s Dan Engelhard, is courtesy of House of Hock:

For the abstract-reading-impaired-or-averse, here’s the bottom line (emphasis is mine):

Indeed, after our first cases, the Chief Rabbinate of Israel pronounced in 2002 the legitimacy of using instrumental suction in cases in which there is a risk of contagious disease. We support ritual circumcision but without oral metzitzah, which might endanger the newborns and is not part of the religious procedure.

Unafraid of a little education? Check out these additional background paragraphs. (You can absolutely read the whole thing, complete with footnotes and sources, if you want, but I'm warning you: there are photographs.)

According to Biblical law, a male infant should be circumcised at the age of 8 days as a sign of the eternal covenant between God and the Jewish people (Genesis 17:10–14; Leviticus 12:3). According to classical rabbinical interpretation, performance of this religious ritual offers medical advantages, a view upheld by many modern medical authorities, as noted earlier. The Babylonian Talmud (Sabbath 133b), the main rabbinical literature completed in the fifth century of the common era, states that for the sake of the infant, the mohel is obliged to perform the metzitzah" so as not to bring on risk." The nature of the risk was not specified. It specifically states that "this procedure is performed for the sake of the infant's safety and if a mohel does not perform the suction [of the wound], this is deemed dangerous and he is to be dismissed." To prevent medical complications, the Talmud permits only an experienced and responsible mohel to perform the ritual circumcision. The Talmud (Tossefta Shabbath 15:8) was aware of potential medical problems that could arise from ritual circumcision and in fact provided the first description of hemophilia in the history of medicine, manifested as a familial bleeding disorder that required circumcision to be postponed.

In the 19th century, Ignaz Philipp Semmelweis (1818–1865) established the principles of hygiene and disease transmission, after neonatal tuberculosis was documented after circumcision by an infected mohel. Since then, most rabbinical authorities modified their approach in response to these findings. Because the Talmudic injunction to perform metzitzah did not explicitly stipulate oral suction, >160 years ago, Rabbi Moses Schreiber (Pressburg, 1762–1839), a leading rabbinical authority, ruled that metzitzah could be conducted by instrumental suction, a ruling quickly adopted by most rabbinical authorities.

Consequently, the great majority of ritual circumcisions are performed today with a sterile device and not by oral suction by the mohel. However, some orthodox rabbis have felt threatened by criticism of the old religious customs and strongly resist any change in the traditional custom of oral metzitzah. The cultural process of replacing ancient customs by modern wound care has to be encouraged by a heightened awareness of this potentially life-threatening medical complication.

On the basis of our observations, the medicolegal impact of neonatal infection by the mohel has to be redefined. Our findings provide evidence that ritual Jewish circumcision with oral metzitzah may cause oral–genital transmission of HSV infection, resulting in clinical disease including involvement of the skin, mucous membranes, and HSV encephalitis. Furthermore, oral suction may not only endanger the child but also may expose the mohel to human immunodeficiency virus or hepatitis B from infected infants. The same consideration that led the Talmudic sages once to establish the custom of the metzitzah for the sake of the infant could now be applied to persuade the mohel to use instrumental suction.

Indeed, after our first cases, the Chief Rabbinate of Israel pronounced in 2002 the legitimacy of using instrumental suction in cases in which there is a risk of contagious disease. We support ritual circumcision but without oral metzitzah, which might endanger the newborns and is not part of the religious procedure.

RESISTANCE TO SJP IS FUTILE

So, last year, as we may recall, I interviewed Average Joe's Adam Mesh over lunch with his parents, and his mother made some very interesting comments about me.

And now, according to my answers on the Bravo Inside the Actor's Studio profile test, my closest match is:

Sarah Jessica Parker.

Clearly resistance is futile. So I'm calling it: I'm officially lookin' for an Aidan/Berger hybrid, with a little David Duchovny insanity thrown in.

No Mr. Bigs needed. We know how I feel about that.

Hat tip to Lyss.

"CAGE"-MATCH

Dear Nicolas Cage,

I was perusing my morning copy of New Kerala when I saw the news item about your enjoyment for karaoke. Apparently, one night of karaoke carousing led you to lose your voice on the set of National Treasure and you had to dub your lines in later...

Well, I challenge you to a karaoke duel...The Urban Kvetch vs. you, Indiana Clones.

Each of us picks a classic song and renders it Sex Pistols-style. She (or he) who rocks the loudest, wins. You may have the Coppola family in your court, but I've got the yeshiva education that breeds punk rebellion. I've rendered everyone from Guns and Roses to the Mamas and the Papas. Forget your playing twins in Adaptation. "Sweet Child O'Mine" to "Dream a Little Dream"? Now that's range, baby.

The stakes? A role in your next movie. Of course, you already have a role in your next movie, so why don't you just give me the prize now, and we can call it even. No need for you to be "beaten by a girl." Save yourself the embarrassment. In fact, since I'm unagented, have your agent call me with an offer of representation AND a script, and you can get credit for "discovering" me. Everybody wins.

As Gwen Stefani recently asked me, "Whatchu Waitin' 4"?

Most sincerely yours,

Esther

Kvetcher of Urbs /Queen of Karaoke

DATE-A-KATE

Getchyour Kate Dates, right here!

Kate #1, currently up for dates, was THE reason that supermodels (and real people) didn't eat in the 1980s. The former face of Calvin Klein is now single, and the up side, is that while dinner dates would have to take place at chic restaurants, the waif's part of the food bill is likely to be small.

Kate #2, recently separated from elf-to-end-all-elves Orlando Bloom, recently starred with Kevin Spacey in "Beyond the Sea" and first surfed a wave of popularity after appearing in "Blue Crush," which had so many women in bikinis that no one noticed that she has two different-colored eyes.

FOR HARDCORE BUFFY FANS ONLY 3

Thanks to