Tuesday, February 15, 2005

CELEBRITY X-FILE: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

Hello, boys and girls. And welcome to the hall of celebrity spiritual weirdness.

Kabbalah : Madonna :: Scientology : ________________

Here's another clue:

Agent Mulder: Uncovering alien conspiracy at FBI:: _____________: Uncovering alien conspiracy in the entertainment industry

Still nothing? OK, one more.

Adam: tilling the soil of the Garden of Eden:: ____________:ridding Planet Earth of nuclear Scientology-blocking aliens


Give up? Today's Scientology-crazed celeb is former "Dharma and Greg" costar Jenna Elfman.

“I intend to make Scientology as accessible to as many people as I can. And that is my goal,” Elfman said. To do this, she says, it is my “duty to clear the planet.” By “clearing” she means to rid the world of “body thetans” — aliens who Scientologists believe inhabit the earth from a nuclear explosion 75 million years ago.

OK, I know. L. Ron Hubbard. Dianetics. Life-changing spiritual approach embraced by Tom Cruise. Yada, yada, yada. I had no idea that nuclear aliens were involved. Maybe some of my readers want to weigh in on the positive aspects of Scientology, so I'm not being totally unfair? Please do. In the interim, let's read on:

She continued that “the more successful I became, the more suppression I bumped into … especially in the entertainment industry, which really is home to rabid suppression.”

Is the entertainment industry really "home to rabid suppression"? Or does she mean...something else???*

An unconfirmed source from inside my head has supplied credible evidence to support the fact that Madonna is assembling a team of top Kabbalists who will kidnap Elfman, bring her to the Kabbalah Centre and wrap her in red string until she requests a bottle of Kabbalah water.

(Mental note: Do not accept offers of Kool-Aid from Jenna Elfman, even if it is made with Kabbalah water.)

*I'm not saying that she's an anti-Semite. I'm just saying that if you replace the word suppression with the word Jews, it's a whole different story. Not that I'm paranoid. Because there's no truth to the stereotype about the Jews running the media. Otherwise, I'd have my own show. I'm just sayin'.

5 Comments:

At 2:27 PM, February 15, 2005, Blogger Ken Wheaton said...

Your homework for tonight is to watch the excellent Scientology-based John Travolta movie "Battlefield Earth."

You will no doubt thank me for it afterward.

 
At 4:26 PM, February 15, 2005, Blogger writersbloc gal said...

Sigh, not Jenna Elfman!!! I was once recruited by Scientologists back when I was sixteen. My boyfriend at the time, and I were offered personality tests that told us that we needed "clearing" and letting go of our negative energy. Yeah, whatever.

 
At 6:12 PM, February 15, 2005, Blogger Denise said...

Yikes. Just, um, yikes!

 
At 8:29 PM, February 15, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Waitaminnit! Did she start out Jewish? I mean, with a name like Elfman...

A Scientology center is opening up next door to my shul. We don't walk on that side of the street on Shabbos, preferring to cross at the end of the block in case the earth opens up as we're scurrying in just in time for kiddush. Don't wanna miss the lox!! We're getting set for our epic battle of good vs. evil, studying up on all our hebrew stuff and making sure the parking lot between our buildings is well-paved so that their space ship can land there to take them awaaaaayyy!!!!

Just out of curiosity, do Scientologists specialize? Can you be a micro-Scientologist or a paleo-Scientologist? Do you need an advanced degree to be a Scientologist? Just wondering.

 
At 4:54 PM, February 16, 2005, Blogger Erinna said...

Is it that the movie is based on Scientology, or that Scientology is based on science fiction?
;)

 

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My Urban Kvetch: CELEBRITY X-FILE: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

CELEBRITY X-FILE: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

Hello, boys and girls. And welcome to the hall of celebrity spiritual weirdness.

Kabbalah : Madonna :: Scientology : ________________

Here's another clue:

Agent Mulder: Uncovering alien conspiracy at FBI:: _____________: Uncovering alien conspiracy in the entertainment industry

Still nothing? OK, one more.

Adam: tilling the soil of the Garden of Eden:: ____________:ridding Planet Earth of nuclear Scientology-blocking aliens


Give up? Today's Scientology-crazed celeb is former "Dharma and Greg" costar Jenna Elfman.

“I intend to make Scientology as accessible to as many people as I can. And that is my goal,” Elfman said. To do this, she says, it is my “duty to clear the planet.” By “clearing” she means to rid the world of “body thetans” — aliens who Scientologists believe inhabit the earth from a nuclear explosion 75 million years ago.

OK, I know. L. Ron Hubbard. Dianetics. Life-changing spiritual approach embraced by Tom Cruise. Yada, yada, yada. I had no idea that nuclear aliens were involved. Maybe some of my readers want to weigh in on the positive aspects of Scientology, so I'm not being totally unfair? Please do. In the interim, let's read on:

She continued that “the more successful I became, the more suppression I bumped into … especially in the entertainment industry, which really is home to rabid suppression.”

Is the entertainment industry really "home to rabid suppression"? Or does she mean...something else???*

An unconfirmed source from inside my head has supplied credible evidence to support the fact that Madonna is assembling a team of top Kabbalists who will kidnap Elfman, bring her to the Kabbalah Centre and wrap her in red string until she requests a bottle of Kabbalah water.

(Mental note: Do not accept offers of Kool-Aid from Jenna Elfman, even if it is made with Kabbalah water.)

*I'm not saying that she's an anti-Semite. I'm just saying that if you replace the word suppression with the word Jews, it's a whole different story. Not that I'm paranoid. Because there's no truth to the stereotype about the Jews running the media. Otherwise, I'd have my own show. I'm just sayin'.

5 Comments:

At 2:27 PM, February 15, 2005, Blogger Ken Wheaton said...

Your homework for tonight is to watch the excellent Scientology-based John Travolta movie "Battlefield Earth."

You will no doubt thank me for it afterward.

 
At 4:26 PM, February 15, 2005, Blogger writersbloc gal said...

Sigh, not Jenna Elfman!!! I was once recruited by Scientologists back when I was sixteen. My boyfriend at the time, and I were offered personality tests that told us that we needed "clearing" and letting go of our negative energy. Yeah, whatever.

 
At 6:12 PM, February 15, 2005, Blogger Denise said...

Yikes. Just, um, yikes!

 
At 8:29 PM, February 15, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Waitaminnit! Did she start out Jewish? I mean, with a name like Elfman...

A Scientology center is opening up next door to my shul. We don't walk on that side of the street on Shabbos, preferring to cross at the end of the block in case the earth opens up as we're scurrying in just in time for kiddush. Don't wanna miss the lox!! We're getting set for our epic battle of good vs. evil, studying up on all our hebrew stuff and making sure the parking lot between our buildings is well-paved so that their space ship can land there to take them awaaaaayyy!!!!

Just out of curiosity, do Scientologists specialize? Can you be a micro-Scientologist or a paleo-Scientologist? Do you need an advanced degree to be a Scientologist? Just wondering.

 
At 4:54 PM, February 16, 2005, Blogger Erinna said...

Is it that the movie is based on Scientology, or that Scientology is based on science fiction?
;)

 

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