CELEBRITY X-FILE: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

Hello, boys and girls. And welcome to the hall of celebrity spiritual weirdness.

Kabbalah : Madonna :: Scientology : ________________

Here's another clue:

Agent Mulder: Uncovering alien conspiracy at FBI:: _____________: Uncovering alien conspiracy in the entertainment industry

Still nothing? OK, one more.

Adam: tilling the soil of the Garden of Eden:: ____________:ridding Planet Earth of nuclear Scientology-blocking aliens

Give up? Today's Scientology-crazed celeb is former "Dharma and Greg" costar Jenna Elfman.

“I intend to make Scientology as accessible to as many people as I can. And that is my goal,” Elfman said. To do this, she says, it is my “duty to clear the planet.” By “clearing” she means to rid the world of “body thetans” — aliens who Scientologists believe inhabit the earth from a nuclear explosion 75 million years ago.

OK, I know. L. Ron Hubbard. Dianetics. Life-changing spiritual approach embraced by Tom Cruise. Yada, yada, yada. I had no idea that nuclear aliens were involved. Maybe some of my readers want to weigh in on the positive aspects of Scientology, so I'm not being totally unfair? Please do. In the interim, let's read on:

She continued that “the more successful I became, the more suppression I bumped into … especially in the entertainment industry, which really is home to rabid suppression.”

Is the entertainment industry really "home to rabid suppression"? Or does she mean...something else???*

An unconfirmed source from inside my head has supplied credible evidence to support the fact that Madonna is assembling a team of top Kabbalists who will kidnap Elfman, bring her to the Kabbalah Centre and wrap her in red string until she requests a bottle of Kabbalah water.

(Mental note: Do not accept offers of Kool-Aid from Jenna Elfman, even if it is made with Kabbalah water.)

*I'm not saying that she's an anti-Semite. I'm just saying that if you replace the word suppression with the word Jews, it's a whole different story. Not that I'm paranoid. Because there's no truth to the stereotype about the Jews running the media. Otherwise, I'd have my own show. I'm just sayin'.

CELEBRITY X-FILE: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

Hello, boys and girls. And welcome to the hall of celebrity spiritual weirdness.

Kabbalah : Madonna :: Scientology : ________________

Here's another clue:

Agent Mulder: Uncovering alien conspiracy at FBI:: _____________: Uncovering alien conspiracy in the entertainment industry

Still nothing? OK, one more.

Adam: tilling the soil of the Garden of Eden:: ____________:ridding Planet Earth of nuclear Scientology-blocking aliens

Give up? Today's Scientology-crazed celeb is former "Dharma and Greg" costar Jenna Elfman.

“I intend to make Scientology as accessible to as many people as I can. And that is my goal,” Elfman said. To do this, she says, it is my “duty to clear the planet.” By “clearing” she means to rid the world of “body thetans” — aliens who Scientologists believe inhabit the earth from a nuclear explosion 75 million years ago.

OK, I know. L. Ron Hubbard. Dianetics. Life-changing spiritual approach embraced by Tom Cruise. Yada, yada, yada. I had no idea that nuclear aliens were involved. Maybe some of my readers want to weigh in on the positive aspects of Scientology, so I'm not being totally unfair? Please do. In the interim, let's read on:

She continued that “the more successful I became, the more suppression I bumped into … especially in the entertainment industry, which really is home to rabid suppression.”

Is the entertainment industry really "home to rabid suppression"? Or does she mean...something else???*

An unconfirmed source from inside my head has supplied credible evidence to support the fact that Madonna is assembling a team of top Kabbalists who will kidnap Elfman, bring her to the Kabbalah Centre and wrap her in red string until she requests a bottle of Kabbalah water.

(Mental note: Do not accept offers of Kool-Aid from Jenna Elfman, even if it is made with Kabbalah water.)

*I'm not saying that she's an anti-Semite. I'm just saying that if you replace the word suppression with the word Jews, it's a whole different story. Not that I'm paranoid. Because there's no truth to the stereotype about the Jews running the media. Otherwise, I'd have my own show. I'm just sayin'.