Friday, July 30, 2004

KABBALIEVE IT OR NOT, EPISODE 2

Let's recap:

Madonna loves Kabbalah. So she decides to adopt various customs, some of which are Jewish (not performing concerts on Friday nights) and others of which (Kabbalah candles) are not. She writes children's books on Kabbalah-related themes, wears tefilin and Hebrew letters tattoed on her arm in her videos, and dines out in kosher restaurants.

Britney loves Madonna, Kabbalah and getting married. So she reads Jewish mysticism poolside, dons the trendy red string bracelet and decides to get married in the world's first ever Kabbalah wedding.

Demi loved Bruce. But now she loves Ashton. And Demi and Ashton love Kabbalah, too, so they're going to get married in a Kabbalah ceremony in Israel.

The race to the newly erected Kabbalah altar has begun. Only their wedding planners know which celebrity couple will get there first...

Just a few of the questions that remain:
  • Will the winner be Britney and Kevin, or Demi and Ashton?
  • Will the weddings be kosher, or held on a major Jewish holiday?
  • Does Bruce Willis have a date to Demi's wedding? And does he date only Baywatch babes, or would he consider expanding to include funny Jewish women of non-Baywatch body type who could use her Hebrew skills to help show him around Israel?
 

(Thank you, Bloghead, for the tip on this important and life-altering development.)

ITEM IS "TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE"

Dear Target Customer,

We regretfully inform you that the item that you ordered, Red Kabbalah String, is temporarily unavailable. 

Note that we do not claim that this item is "out of stock," since that would indicate that we have been stocking red string that has been to Bethlehem and wrapped around the tomb of Rachel the matriarch. We have not been stocking this string. In fact, we don't even know how it got distributed to our stores across country. And there is no indication at present that these strings have visited tombs in any foreign countries, let alone Israel.

A team of recently convened independent investigators have revealed that these strings were taken from the frays of several items rejected from Target's new line Isaac Mizrahi clothing. There is some documentation to support the fact that when Isaac's coulat designs did not take off as expected, certain area managers decided to cut their fabric losses and repackage the threads as Kabbalah strings.

We are sending a September mission to Israel to investigate new sources for Kabbalah string. The leader of that mission, a Ms. Ciccone of Michigan, will be bringing bolts of string to the Holy Land and will personally wrap Rachel's Tomb in as much string as possible before breaking into Yiddish songs.

Once the string has absorbed the full negativity-deflection power of the tomb, it will be measured, cut to size and hermetically sealed in an envelope marked "Kabbalah String." The envelope will also include a special activation packet; simply drop the string and the packet into a tub of Kabbalah water (available in 12-, 24- and 96-ounce bottles in most local Target stores in Aisle 4, Spirituality), and you should perceive a pinkish tint to the water. This means that your Kabbalah string bracelet has officially been activated and, once dry, is ready to be worn to help you deflect the negativity and quizzical looks of others.

 We know that you have a choice in Kabbalah string providers and we hope that you will continue to choose us to answer all of your Kabbalah product needs.

At Target, we take pride in the products that we bring to America, and we thank you for your patience.

Signed,

Quebert T. Jokester
Customer Service Representative

Thursday, July 29, 2004

THE "BLAIRE HITCHED" PROJECT

My newest article, about Blaire the Soon-to-Be Bride from marryblaire.com, is now online:
"The Blaire Hitched Project."

Enjoy!

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

POSTINGS AT JDATERS ANONYMOUS

Two dating-related blog posts over at JDaters Anonymous:

Read about the Craigslist postings of frum (really religious) Jews looking for casual sex, based on the NY Observer article titled: "Hot! Sex! Live! Frum!"

(Yes, sometimes I wish I were kidding about stuff like this.)

Or, if breaking up is more your thing, you may have seen the Newsweek story already, but there's a new site that asks you to blog your breakup.

M. NIGHTMARE SHYAMALAN

I Hate You, M. Night Shyamalan

I hate you, M. Night Shyamalan. For O so many things. For daring to invade my hours of precious sleep, as they are, already waning, and decimate them with half-waking dreams of terror, the kind where you feel like there's no justifiable reason for the fear, but are nonetheless scared out of your mind.

I hate you, M. Night Shyamalan, for having manipulated my dreams and turned them against me, converting a time of rest into fitful half-sleep. Through your ad campaigns that reveal no plot but convey every fear, I bear my anxiety solidly, in the shape of tears cried in sleep, and it woke me with a crying out aloud and a clawing at my own skin (get them off me, get them off me) that knows no logical point of origin, no natural comfort.

But I also forgive you. This is your brilliance--imposing the supernatural perspective on the masses. You cannot help yourself for delving into the darkness, both yours and mine.

OR...

And the Nightmare Goes To...

"I'd like to thank the Nightmare Academy for this prestigious award, but I would be remiss if I didn't mention all the people who sucked my night's sleep dry of any substance and replaced it with a thudding sense of fear and forboding--my landlord, for inspiring me with ever-increasing rent; my friends who keep getting married, making me feel like even more of a spinster; and of course, Chris Carter, David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson and TNT, for their late-night reruns of The X-Files, which fill my head with images no human should have to see before bedtime. And then there's the man who inspires it all. M. Night, this Nightmare's for you!"

MADONNEWS CENTER UPDATE

Apparently, I've become My Urban Kvetch: Your Madonna News Source (trademark pending).

This is the latest: Madonna's singing in Yiddish now.

I, for one, am glad. This is just what the universe needed. And I'll tell you why...

Way back when my brother was in high school, he had an extra credit assignment in Social Studies class to translate the Billy Ray Cyrus classic "Achy Breaky Heart" into Yiddish, and perform it for the class.  He taped it, and played it for us, and oh--how we laughed. It sounded so funny. And yet there was something avant garde about it.

[Carrie Bradshaw moment: I found myself wondering, could other songs find another life re-recorded in a mellifluous combination of German and Hebrew?]

Now Madonna is making everyone's dreams come true and proving the prescience of this particular teacher.  Taking a cue from the resurgence of klezmer and her interest in all things moderately Jewish, she now performs songs in Yiddish. Which songs? Iz Brent? Oifn Pripetchik? The Partizaner Lid? (And yes, those are the only three Yiddish songs I know, having learned them in sixth-grade when I was in choir. Oh, I know 'em. And I'm not afraid to use 'em. Don't you dare dare me...)

I would love to know how Madge's songs translate. Yiddish-speakers--feel free to submit your lyrics here. (May I suggest "Like a Prayer" to start with?) If they are submitted in the next two weeks, I promise to sing one of them at the next karaoke event I'm scheduled to emcee.

 



Tuesday, July 27, 2004

MY BIG FAT GAY SIMPSONS

So, word's out by now that this year's season of the The Simpsons will feature the "coming out" of one of its beloved characters, in an episode centering on gay marriage. The question, posed to thousands of geeks everywhere at ComicCon (a major conference of comic book/sci fi fans--think that classic SNL sketch where William Shatner tells the fans to "Get a life!"), is, which character will it be?

This article calculates the odds. I think they're right. Because we automatically think "Smithers," means it's probably not Smithers.

IMHO? I'd love to see Flanders come out of his Bible-thumping closet. It would be a real conflict for Homer's favorite neighbor. Another possibility with California gubernatorial ramifications? McBain.

(I know this is going to be another popular discussion, a la the Harry Potter debate...can I bust through the glass ceiling of the whopping 13 comments that has received? Time will tell, as the number of visitors on my webcounter continues to go up and the number of comments on my posts continues to go down...)

NEXT TIME, ON "KABBALIEVE IT OR NOT!"

I swear, people just send me this stuff.

Never mind that, to the best of my knowledge, there is no Kabbalah wedding. Veruca Salt, I mean Britney Spears, is having one anyway. ("But I want one, Mummy! And it's going to be the best, most expensive Kabbalah wedding EVER! And I want it NOW!!)

The article reports that the blessed event will be taking place on an "autumn weekend." I'm willing to bet that it's either September 18 (Shabbat Shuva--The Sabbath of Repentance between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur), the 19th (The Fast of Gedaliah), or Saturday September 25 (Yom Kippur).

Let's just see how Jewish a "Kabbalah wedding" is going to be.  Will the wedding include all of the traditional Jewish elements, such as:
  • Yarmulkes? (Maybe a pink satin yarmulke bra with the name of the couple and the date stamped on the inside?)
  • The traditional veiling of the bride (followed by the untraditional striptease of the bride)?
  • The smorgasbord, including a sushi buffet?
  • Horas galoras? (it's bound to include several media whore-as galoras...)
  • An elderly couple in the corner gossiping about the bridesmaids' dresses and complaining about the traffic on the way to the wedding?
  • A "first dance" between the newlyweds, with gyrating bridesmaids & groomsmen/backup dancers? (OK, so that's parting with Jewish tradition a little, but worth looking into for my eventual karaoke wedding, time, location and groom TBD)

My brain is spinning at even considering what this wedding is going to be like. I guess I'll have to sit back and wait for my invitation.

Monday, July 26, 2004

NEW BOOK REVIEW ONLINE

My newest article, a book review of a Holocaust memoir, is now online at JBooks.com for your reading interest.

Book Review: "Telling the Tale of Inge"

HOW YA GONNA KEEP THE AMISH DOWN ON THE FARM AFTER THEY'VE SEEN L.A.?

So, we all thought "Amish in the City" was a bad idea, kind of like the worst exploitation of unwitting teenagers married to big city nudity and corruption by a preacher at the church of the Real World. Turns out, the Christian Science Monitor thinks it's a good show.

Wednesday night, UPN, 8pm. A ten-part series featuring some of the most attractive Amish people you could ever hope to see--no offense to Kelly McGillis. As they head to L.A. for the rite of rumspringen, the gang encounters many questions. Will the girls bare their midriffs and go to karaoke bars to sing Britney Spears songs? Will the boys strip to reveal Chippendale-dancer abs and become surfers? Only UPN knows.

Sunday, July 25, 2004

REVENGE OF THE SITH

So, Star Wars fans, Episode III's title has been released and it's "Revenge of the Sith." Wanna bet they change it to "Return of the Sith" two months before the film's release? If you got that joke, you're probably as big a Star Wars nerd as I am. Still can't tell how big a nerd you are? Don't worry. I can help...

You might be a Star Wars nerd if...

...you try to use the Force to wrest the cordless phone from its base and make it fly across the room to you, even though it's only four feet away...

...you use Jedi mind tricks, either at home or at work...(An example: "I'm not the employee you're looking for...")

...you find yourself calling someone a "scruffy-looking Nerfherder"...

...you know that Luke was going to go to Tashi to pick up some power converters...

...you have an old videotape of Episode IV in which the stormtrooper hits his head on the way into the room where Threepio and R2 are holed up...

...when someone says "No, it's not true," you are compelled to say "I'll never join you!"

...you know how to say "Bantha fodder" in Huttese...

...you see two danishes at a continental breakfast and automatically think of Princess Leia's hair in Episode IV...

...you cried when Alec Guinness died in real life...

...you know who Admiral Akbar, Nien Nunb and Salacious Crumb are...

...you were shocked when you first saw James Earl Jones...

...the name Jar-Jar Binks fills you with a terrible, vengeful wrath...

...your hope for a new episode has fueled your existence for the past several years, only to have your faith betrayed by the increasingly weak Episode I, Episode II and a lackluster title for Episode III...not that you'll skip the Revenge of the Sith, or whatever it will be called by then...because you're a Star Wars fan, and you'll see whatever they'll give you.

I know how you feel.

 

THIS IS SO WRONG

The yarmulke-bra.

Or as I like to call it, "the end of the world as we know it."

I guess we'll see if the company starts making them in the different "flavors" that help us identify "what sort of Jew" the wearer is.  A large serugah (crocheted) means sympathetic with the settlers, a smaller serugah means contemporary modern Orthodox, black velvet is super-religious, pink satin means the bra was picked up at a Reform bar mitzvah...the political possibilities are endless...

Think Madonna has one? Or twelve? Hers are probably bustiers, designed by Jean Paul Gauthier. Come to think of it, this could be a good way for you, gentle readers, to tell us apart. Madonna/Esther will be the one wearing the yarmulke bra. Regular My-Urban-Kvetching Esther will not. I assure you. Ever.

"Thanks" (if that's the right word) to Jewschool for this story.

DAVID EIGENBERG ALERT/WHAT I AM

David Eigenberg Alert!

The artist formerly known as Steve Brady (on Sex & the City) has just been spotted on USA's excellent new alien abduction series The 4400, in which 4400 abductees are returned to earth with new powers that may make them dangerous. Steve/David's power is that he becomes a vigilante, even though he's a 5'6 fishmonger.  If you haven't seen the show, it's on every Sunday night for the next few weeks, although I sense that David's not long for this show. Oh yeah, there he goes. Murdered in the very park he's trying to clean up. Oops. And it's an uncredited guest spot. No credit for the character actors.

What I Am

"You are like champagne: Effervescent, delightful and intoxicating."
If only that compliment were coming from a boyfriend instead of from Yahoo! Astrology, I'd be happy.  Oh well. Maybe next century.

Friday, July 23, 2004

RENEWING OUR DAYS

This coming Monday night is Tish'ah B'Av, a Jewish fast day commemorating the destruction of the Holy Temple in Jerusalem. This is a piece I wrote for Tish'ah B'Av 2002.

Renewing our Days

We trudged out into the night at its very beginning, just after the sun had slipped away and as the dark was spreading across the mid-summer sky. As we walked, step after heavy step across a wet field and then across unstable gravel, we felt the seriousness of the evening descend, even as the heat of the day dissapated in its waning moments. For the next twenty-four hours, we would not eat or wash. Instead, we would reflect on our losses, mourn them and hope for a better future. Destination reached, we were instructed to sit in circles of ten on cold concrete. At each circle’s center sat one small candle, flickering tentatively, but constantly, in the darkness.

In this introspective atmosphere every summer campers and staff members at Camp Ramah in the Berkshires, a Conservative Jewish camp, commemorate one of the most mournful days on the Jewish calendar, Tish’ah b’Av (the ninth day of the Hebrew month of Av). According to tradition, many of the tragedies in world and Jewish history happened on this date, including the destruction of both Temples, the expulsion of the Jews from Spain in 1492 and even, according to some, the outbreak of World War One. To commemorate these sad events, Tish’ah b’Av was instituted as a day of mourning. Rituals observed include reciting special prayers set to mournful tunes, fasting and not wearing leather. (Despite the agony caused by much of modern footwear, wearing leather shoes was traditionally considered a sign of luxury and comfort.)

At Ramah, we were immersed in an educational environment, where each day presented a fresh opportunity to learn about Judaism and about ourselves. Tish’ah b’Av was certainly no exception. That night on the concrete basketball courts, in our circles surrounding small candles, we read the book of Eikhah (Lamentations), which describes the destruction of Jerusalem and its holy sites. Then we sang mournful songs about the devastation of Jerusalem’s holy places. Both Eikhah and the songs provide vivid details of the destruction, giving an emotional play-by-play of the befores and afters of a city B once great, now fallen.

But the Eikhah experience was only the beginning. The next day, the regular schedule of meals, sports and classes was suspended. Instead, we submerged ourselves in intense reflection and mourning. Tish’ah b’Av’s morning programming was always dedicated to remembering the destroyed Temples and the centuries of persecution since, from the Crusades to the Russian pogroms to Hitler’s war against the Jews. Often, as we fasted and lamented, we attended discussion groups about events in Jewish history or viewed films with a Holocaust or persecution-related theme. Afternoon programming was always less somber. Led by the Israeli specialists—nature counselors, arts and crafts leaders, and music and dance teachers—who spent their summers with us and were living examples of the strength of contemporary Israel, activities were more cautiously optimistic, focusing instead on the future. Special presentations utilizing Israeli song, dance and historical drama portrayed an Israel born in adversity that, against all odds, has managed to survive and thrive.

Although we live in a present where Israel has always existed, it takes only a preliminary dip into history to recognize that the current conflict is a danger to its future. In each of the Temple periods, the people of Israel assumed that they were safe within their circumstances. They knew where they were, but forgot how they got there. As a result, the Temples were destroyed. According to the Eikhah account, young and old lay dead in the streets; women and men alike were slain unsparingly. Eikhah’s author, even after witnessing the carnage, still maintains hope that God will not cast him off forever. At the book’s end, the author appeals to God for the rebuilding of Jerusalem and the regeneration of Israel and the Jewish people to a position of strength and security—the renewal of “our days as of old.”

At camp we refreshed our knowledge of Jewish history, establishing an awareness that what we know is not always what was. We also projected that what we know today is not always what will be tomorrow. Modern Israel has its own set of problems, conflicts caused by the same forces that contributed to its creation: the religious fervor of pilgrims from many religions, the existential desperation of persecuted Jews searching for a homeland, dedication to the Zionist ideal, national pride in the concept of a uniquely Jewish state. In the past year, we have all seen the ravages of war, both abroad and at home; to picture desecration in contemporary Jerusalem unfortunately takes little or no imagination.

Renewal, regeneration, rebuilding—these themes have added meaning for us this year. Those of us who still pray plead to unseen sources for strength. We ask for the physical and emotional ability to continue, amid security alerts of every conceivable color and vague and unspecific, yet looming, threats of mass destruction.We have recently been reminded that safety is both relative and fleeting. But in this season of sadness and uncertainty, I return to the hopeful lessons of camp, where they taught us that with awareness of both our history and our present, God will renew our days as of old.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

LIFE NEEDS A BETTER RATING

Who's going to see my movie at this rate? I need an R. Better arrange for Colin Farrell to go full frontal, quick...


My life is rated PG-13.
What is your life rated?


Thanks to Dawn for this quiz.

LOVE AND POLITICS IN A YEAR OF ELECTION

That's right folks: now you can tailor your online search for love according to political viewpoint. See my post on JDaters Anonymous.

I'm sure that Dawn and Karol already know about this.

BLOGGING AND JOURNALISTIC LEGITIMACY

Boy, that sounds like a serious title for an Esther blog post. I almost don't even want to write it. But I will! Why? Because it's important.

Last week, media consultant Susan Mernit started blogging about what she'd like to see happen at the Democratic National Convention, bloggerwise. She's been posting regular reports as news organizations, notably CNN, announce their plans to include bloggers in their coverage.

Then on today's daily media news feed from Media Bistro, there was this announcement:

BLOGGING AGAINST CONVENTION
Adam Penenberg: At this year's Democratic convention, the 35 bloggers covering the festivities could liven things up. Hell, a couple of them could even become media stars.
http://www.wired.com/news/culture/0,1284,64273,00.html?tw=wn_tophead_2

 
Penenberg reports:
The Associated Press has even joined the blog parade, launching its own -- to be written by Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter Walter R. Mears. MTV, not to be outdone, has tapped snarky, inside-the-Beltway blogger wonkette -- known in real life as Ana Marie Cox (or is it the other way around?) -- to be its on-air convention reporter. Meanwhile, the Democratic National Committee has enlisted its own "official" blogger -- Eric Schnure, a former speechwriter for Vice President Al Gore.
 
What does it all mean? That the word "journalism" is about to be redefined more broadly. That our blog voices are not just voices in our collective head. That our words are powerful, even if they do not appear in the conventionally acceptable media outlets.

Welcome to the blog revolution.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

ATLANTIC CITY

Sitting on the patch of beach in front of the Tropicana, I see endless oceans. There is the water, of course. Also the gangs of seagulls, occasionally punctuated by what one assumes are marauding pigeon posses or sandpiper squads, infringing on territory and staking a claim on the sand. One gull, his head markably larger and whiter, seems to be both outcast and leader--no other birds challenge him, but neither do they embrace his differences. Throngs of sunbathers, wavejumpers and builders of sandcastles and dreams.

Treading the boards, a slice of America--a cross-section of the heartland, or at least the East Coast--refugee extras from "Supersize Me," here for optimism and hope, in the guise of sun or slots. The endless train of casinos provides exits and rest stops along the wooden highway. The spectre of Donald Trump and modern kitsch, uniting splendidly in a black T-shirt that reads "You're Fired!", seeks to smother the history and spirit of the classical Atlantic City, the one of memory and nostalgia.

My friend walks for miles along the ocean's edge. I write to the margins of my paper and feel somehow inadequate. Best to come here with someone, I think. It helps avoid the temptation, brought on by the waves, that I might feel to walk endlessly, on board or sand or in water, until I disappear.

There's a freedom in anonymity here. I worry less about what other people think and let whim and relaxation be my momentary masters. The mist here helps me, hiding the truth, masquing brightness in haze and clouds in sun--the resultant blend of meteorological humors mixes me up with my metaphors.

The casinos rising in the distance are supposed to represent temptation, the promise of wealth, euphoria and hedonism. But one look at the reality and you see hope and humanity flipped over in a ditch. No fun to be had there. No hope for them. No humor. Just the thousands of prayers to the God of chance, treaties that fall on deaf ears.

Flanked by aggressive seagulls who squawk strategies at each other, my relaxation is present, appreciated, but tenuous. I still can't help feeling surrounded.

THIS IS SO "META"

Remember that whole "meta" trend from about a year ago? Well, try this on for size.

Esther became Madonna at karaoke event. Then Madonna became Esther because of Kabbalah. Then The O.E. (Original Esther) wrote to D.D.E. (Duplicate Diva Esther) and invited her to Shabbat dinner. The O.E. posted that invitation here. Now, that invitation to D.D.E is being reprinted online at GenerationJ, and The O.E. is posting a link on My Urban Kvetch, where the original invitation/article to D.D.E. appeared. Sounds a little like the work of the infamous Department of Redundancy Department.

Anyway, just wanted to share. GenerationJ.com is a terrific read, especially for Jews in their twenties (and ok, thirties too...), plus they have the arguable honor of having printed some of my earliest humor pieces, where I first began to weave my tangled writer's web of Jewish life and pop culture. So, consider it your first stop on the tour of the Museum of Me. (Virtual tours are conducted every six hours and thirteen minutes, and are available with simultaneous translation into Hebrew, Level 2 French, gibberish and Long Island Kvetch.  Mimes and interpretive dancers are available at additional cost. Be sure to visit the gift shop on your way out for some lovely souvenirs, like pages from my old Filo-Fax, ragingly suicidal high school poems and unused pens that have been in my desk drawer for five years.)

Sunday, July 18, 2004

MY FRIDAY AS MRS. MURPHY

If only the headline of this post meant that I had met a charming, handsome Irishman named Murphy, and eloped so we could enjoy the solitude of our love, for at least the first 24-36 hours of our union...instead, it is my distinct horror to admit that anything that could have gone wrong on Friday, clearly did. I am clearly now engaged, if not to Murphy himself, then to his Law.
 
What follows is an abbreviated form of the sweaty, frustrating, endless wait of a day that Friday was for Our Heroine.
 
Super Freelancer Braves the DMV
Had to get a driver's license. Friends swore NY State license-getting was a breeze. Decided to be anal and check website's instructions and call the information line that tells you what to bring, just to be sure I had everything. You needed 6 "points" worth of identification; my passport (4) and old NJ license (2) should have been than enough. For good measure, I threw in a Con Ed bill and a copy of my Social Security statement (an extra 2 points each). Got there, was summarily discharged by the sweltering elevator into an inferno of a waiting room where there was a 1.5 hour line just to get on line. We snaked back and forth around the antechamber; every five minutes, an elevator arrived and spewed forth additional queuers-to-be. Got to the main line, which snaked around for another 15 minutes. Finally, nirvana. The window. Then the mean man staffing it informs me of their new, post-9/11 policy: no matter how many points of ID you have, you must also have your original social security card, or you can't get a license. Who the hell knows where that stupid card is?? How do they know it's an original, anyway? Is there some special 1971-edition hologram on it that proves that I didn't make it myself on the Internet? Do my parents have it in a safe-deposit box somewhere??) But of course, they don't tell you that on the website or on the phone line.  I left, making a beeline for the Manhattan Mall, with its industrial strength air conditioning and TCBY.
 
Detour: Commerce Bank
On the way home, stopped and checked my bank balance. Not good.
 
Coming Out of the Dark
Apartment light burned out. Two weeks ago. Have been denying the fact that I am slowly going blind, while waiting to find the super. Then I just got tired of waiting--climbed atop my sink to discern which type of bulb was needed and managed to extricate one without dropping it. Went to the hardware store and bought the damn bulbs. Then spent close to an hour perched barefoot atop my sink trying to screw them in, while my halogen, the only remaining source of light, gave me heatstroke, and I was sure, a very dangerous tan. Then one of the old bulbs slipped--I just managed to catch it as it hit the floor. Phew. The first time luck's been on my side all day. It's cracked, but not broken. Then, a sound like an ice cube hitting hot coffee--crack! And it exploded into smithereens. I was still barefoot, now surrounded by broken glass. I screamed: "No!!" and I believe even "Why, God...why??!!" I gathered up my courage and the visible bits of glass from the floor and disposed of them safely. I swept up in the kitchen, and wore shoes for the rest of the day. A day later, there still may be a shard in my foot. I'm not sure. 
 
Vacation, All I Ever Wanted
On those days when you totally hate your life and everything makes you cry...nothing's better than planning a vacation. I have no time, no money and no energy to book a cruise. So I'm going to Atlantic City, even though it's going to rain. If luck is on my side, my roll of quarters will become a couple of hundred bucks, and my vacation will pay for itself. And if not? I'll be back before I (or you) know it, burning the midnight oil and hoping that the next job's going to be the lucrative one. No worse off than I am now, and maybe, hopefully, a little more relaxed.

Friday, July 16, 2004

TEN THINGS I AM NOT GOING TO BUY ON E-BAY OR ANYWHERE EVER

And yes, I'm aware of the supportive undergarment theme that runs through it. Don't like it, don't read it. But read it.

1. Keira Knightley's strategic-bands-of-leather costume from King Arthur. I love tefillin as much as the next Jewish woman who doesn't wear them, but I am pretty sure phylacteries are supposed to go on arm and head, not um, torso.

2. A hair removal cream called Nads. I cannot say "ick" fast enough.

3. Milla Jovovich's strategic-bands-of-white-cloth costume from The Fifth Element. Yes, I know it was designed by Jean-Paul Gauthier. I'm still not running around the present, past or future with only a piece of gauze over my breasts.

4. Licorice-flavored anything. If I could pick one flavor that would become extinct, it's this one. Yuck.

5. Penis enlargement products. The advantage to one's boyfriend being a full-on product of one's own imagination is that he doesn't need these kinds of creams, ointments or pills. He's perfect just the way he is (Love you, baby!)...

6. A water bra, or any other supportive garment that either adds circumference or projection inches, or in any way promises "exceptional cleavage." I've got enough to worry about.
    (And while we're talking bizarro brassieres, I'd like to point out that Dillard's has just introduced the bicolor bra. Allow me to describe this feat of engineering: It hooks in the front AND in the back, and has interchangeable sides. The ad shows a woman with bra halves in different colors: white, black, camelia rose--which looks like fuschia in the ad--and "butterfly green." Not that I've ever seen a green butterfly, but whatever. You tell me: was this a man's idea or a woman's?)

7. Beauty products listing "placenta" as an ingredient. (I may have to go vomit now.)

8. A John Deere tractor. The grass never grows in my studio.

9. That ab belt that slims you down through electric impulses stimulating a series of muscles in specific succession. You've gotta be kidding me...that can't possibly work. You'd have to be an idi--but that infomercial SWEARS that it works...well, maybe...NO! NO! A definite no. Moving on now.

10. One of those Hang in There kitty-in-the-tree posters. Apologies to my college roommate Lisa, who had that poster in our room sophomore year. It never bothered me then. But now, I guess the years have taught me to see the negativity behind the cheeriness of inspirational posters. (I guess I am that jaded New Yorker, after all...) The cat is just hanging there, like it's been the victim of some awful lynching or fraternity prank, helpless and hopeless, and wanting the photographer to save him. But does he? No. Just takes the picture, slaps up a three-word slogan, and makes a ton of cash off the rights. For all we know, that cat is still up there, waiting for someone to help it out of the tree and back into the life it left behind.
 
The witching hour has arrived. I must exfoliate. Luckily, I received a surprise gift from Amazon.com today. I didn't order anything; I almost didn't open it, because we are on elevated alert, and it could have been a bomb. Or a really bad book. But it was a boxful of beauty products, thanking me for being one of their best customers (which apparently means anyone who bought a book from them in the last year or two) and announcing the arrival of beauty products now available through their site. Most of it is very small sizes of top-of-the-line stuff that I'd never buy. So I'm gonna try it all! So far, I'm a fan of the Jurlique Lip Care balm, but it's not so much balmy as ointmenty. Very moisturizing, though. I'd better check the ingredients for placenta. 

Thursday, July 15, 2004

MISS "SEX AND THE CITY"?

If you miss "Sex and the City," check out my new interview with Cindy Chupack, one of the show's writers and executive producers.

Here's a teaser, which includes my favorite sentence in the whole piece:

"Sex and the City,” the Emmy Award-winning show about four single women in New York, spoke to America. For some, it was fashion that resonated, but put me in Manolos and I’ll fall right on my Blahnik. For me, it was the writing: wise, witty, and infused with a precarious optimism about navigating the singles scene.

Gotta have more? You're in luck! This article, my latest singles column in the Jewish Week, is available here.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

STIFLER'S MOM AND ISLAMIC LIBERATION

I know. Nothing the two could possibly have in common, right?

Well, it so happens that I'm editing a book about al-Qaeda and its affiliate terror organizations. In one of the chapters, the text notes that there's a al-Qaeda affiliate in the Phillipines that is known as the Moro Islamic Liberation Front. And yes, they go by their acronym: MILF.

If this is lost on you, I refer you to the MILF phenomenon brought to the cultural fore by Paul and Chris Weitz in their teen comedy classic, "American Pie," and ushered into musical awareness by Fountains of Wayne in their song, "Stacy's Mom."

Al-Qaeda...not funny.

Acronyms with double meanings...priceless.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

MORE ESTHER??

My posts have been a little sparse this week, and for that I apologize. More fresh Esther soon, I promise. In the interim, you may want to check out my other blog, JDaters Anonymous, which focuses not just on the trials and tribulations of online dating, but surveys dating trends in general.

Feel free to contribute your stories of humor, horror and humiliation, and we'll get some online discussions going...names can be changed to protect the innocent. You can post your comments on the site, or send them to JDaters Anonymous. Especially since I've just quit JDate again, at least for now, I'm going to be lacking in JDate stories, so I look to you to supplement.

Names can be changed to protect the innocent.

Sunday, July 11, 2004

DATELINE WASHINGTON, D.C.--INSOMNIA HITS BLOGGERETTE

Watching The Usual Suspects for like the jillionth time, and am awed by all the performances, even Stephen Baldwin's. Whenever I catch it on TV, I have to watch it through to the end. (There are only a few movies like that for me: The Shawshank Redemption's another...)

Is it just me, or does Benicio del Toro look like Brad Pitt? I know one's blond, one's not, but there's something about the shape of the face that's strikingly similar.

Oh, and I LOVE Gabriel Byrne. Just sharing.

Thursday, July 08, 2004

RAISON DE BLOG

Sounds like "raisin' the roof." Ok, only a little.

Everyone's so contemplative this week! Here's an article from this week's Jewish Week about "The New Diarists." (That's us, bloggers, just to clarify.)

Personally, I think blogging's more than just journal entries. The anonymous confessional component is certainly a formidable one, but I think it's a combination of lots of other factors/conditions: reaction to repression, self-publishing for writers of all types, histrionic need for the attention of others, creating a community of the like-minded, stirring up passions and opinions, reaching people across cultural, language and religious divides, etc.

Emily Dickinson said that the soul selects its own society. IMHO, blogging is an illustration of that societal selection. We put ourselves out there, seek out others who share our views or who appreciate our perspectives, and find ourselves a virtual society, meeting friends and sometimes lovers in a new way, getting to know them from the inside out. It's really an amazingly powerful medium...

[After preaching to the choir, Esther bows modestly, and yields the podium to the people. Then, her society speaks.]

SHOW ME THE FUNNY

My newest article, an account of last week's Funniest Amateur Standup Comic in New York (or something like that) contest, is now online on the Jewish Week website. Click here to read it...

I know what you are thinking: "Esther, why weren't you in the competition?" And it's a good question. The main reason is that, as a regular columnist for the Jewish Week, I was ineligible this year. If I don't have my column next year, then maybe...but I think I will still want to have my column next year, so we'll see.

The most appalling thing about this competition is that there were no women in the finals. There was apparently one woman scheduled to appear, but she canceled. Next year's crop of Jewish comics better include some funny femmes fatales, or I might have to go medieval on standup's ass.

Next week, my Jewish Week column features an interview with Sex and the City scribe/executive producer Cindy Chupack. Fun stuff coming your way, so stay tuned!

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

EXFOLIATION FOLLIES

Yesterday was unusual. I decided to go to a body sculpting class in the middle of the day. And that decision set into motion a chain of events that had very negative epidermal reprecussions.

When I came back, I Sea Breezed my face. In this weather, it really helps to cool things off, and doesn't cost me anything on my Con Ed bill. It felt cool, invigorating and refreshing. Then I showered, using a mild exfoliant on my face. When I came out of the shower, my skin was pink, smooth and gleaming. Perfect. Then I spent the rest of the afternoon in my apartment, doing work, and occasionally, Sea Breezing my face.

Then, for a change of scenery, I headed over to Barnes & Noble to buy my book club book, Brick Lane, and pick up the Best New American Short Story anthology, which contains a story by a good friend of mine. I sat in the cafe with an iced decaf Americano and edited a story I'd written. I was feeling good; in the groove of being a writer in New York.

I came home, and as I was a little perspirationy, I Sea Breezed. Then I spent several hours on another article, posted to my blog, and started my preparations for bed, including washing my face. Forgetting that I had already exfoliated in the shower, I used another face product that had apricot, almond and other abrasive ingredients. As soon as I was done, my face started to burn. As I watched it in the mirror, my face started to swell and its color deepened to a bright purple. I felt like I had spent three hours in the sun with baby oil on my face. Thinking it was an allergic reaction (although I'd been using the product for months now with no ill effects), I grabbed my Dove soap to scrub the offensive residue from my sensitive cheeks...forgetting that I had bought the exfoliating Dove instead of the regular.

Now my face was really mad. What could I do to appease it, to mitigate the burning sensations? What if I was having a severe anaphylactic shock-type of reaction to the exfoliant? Should I go to the emergency room even though I don't have health insurance? Or should I go to sleep, and hope for the best in the morning?

A quick survey of my apartment yielded an answer: the AHAVA advance moisturizer I had bought last time I was in Israel. I slathered it on, and my skin gulped it up like I had never fed it moisturizer before. Again, I slathered. And lay down to sleep, hoping for the best. I was plagued by dreams of living with a face forever marked by my exfoliation folly.

This morning, I rushed to the mirror, expecting to behold a grotesque and phantom-of-the-opera type disfigurement that would require my immediate hermitdom. But it was like it never happened. My face was back to normal. I wondered if I had dreamed the whole thing. Maybe it had been a hallucination, magically conjured by my mother and injected into my dream state to get me on the ball in terms of getting health insurance. Or maybe it was a sign of stress, externally manifesting the inner panic that happens when I write out my monthly rent check.

In any case, I've learned my lesson. Exfoliate no more than once a day. And take it easy on the Sea Breeze.

MANIFESTO OF THE SELF

In visiting many of my favorite blogs, this issue keeps coming up, so I might as well address it.

Today alone, I found the following entries on blogs pondering the Big Reason behind all the blogging.

Alyssa mourns a less-than-stellar review by a weblog reviewer.

Fish ponders her own existence and considers hanging up her keyboard.

Over in Israel, Jacob Shwirtz wonders:
To what degree do we create "online identities" and to what degree are we "putting our identity online?"

In life, we've all had experiences where, after talking to someone on the phone or via email, or after "getting to know them" via their blog, we meet them for the first time--how many times has the physical manifestation of that person been exactly what you were expecting? Hasn't it been your experience that any photo that person had sent you, literally or figuratively, just didn't seem accurate? This is sometimes expressed as "he looks nothing like his picture," or "I expected someone totally different." In either case, that person reflected through our own eyes, does not measure up or measures up differently.

How much more so is this often true in our own eyes. We catch a glimpse of ourselves in a store window, in a photograph or on videotape, and do a double-take. "That looks nothing like me..." we say. That portrait/reflection does not fit our own idea of who we are and what we look like.

It is an issue most bloggers confront at one time or another. Many of us have felt the need to post our raisons d'etre or state our manifestos clearly, so people will know who we are and why we're here. We look for people who are like us, and for people who will like us. We blog what we are about, truly, especially when protected by the Internet's relative anonymity.

I think the issue of who we are vs. who we present ourselves to be, in Friendster, on JDate, in our writing/work, or in actual live-in-person life, is a very complicated one, and begs analysis of the central issue: who determines the truth of who a person is, that person or others? How much of the "real person" is in the online representations of us?

In other words, the age-old meaning of life question: Who are we, and why are we here? And can any reflection truly reflect the totality of who we are?

HOW ONE BLOGGER GOT HIS START...

I've always been interested in what motivates people to blog. Well, seek and ye shall find.

Over at Fiddish, I found this treatise on blogging. It's a transcript of sorts from David Adesnik, a "a 2000 Rhodes Scholar and graduate student in international relations at Oxford currently residing in Cambridge, Mass" (according to Oxblog, which he co-administers with two others).
He writes:
INTERVIEWING MYSELF: A journalist researching a story on Jewish bloggers recently asked me to do an interview. Since I decided to the interview by e-mail, I actually have a record of what I wanted to say. And since only one or two quotes will make it into the final article, I figured I'd post the rest of the interview here on OxBlog. (The link above takes you to part one of the interview. Part two is posted on the July 4 page.)

I think it's an excellent review of how bloggers are born. Which leads me into my next post...stay tuned...

Monday, July 05, 2004

100TH POSTDAY PRESENT

So, guess what I got for my 100th Postday? I went over to Bloglet and got myself a subscription form.

That's right! Now the magic of kvetch can be delivered right to your inbox! You'll get an email once a day with all of my posts for that day. Feel free to still visit my page regularly, but this ensures that you won't miss anything...

I think this new subscription thing will make all of our lives easier. So go ahead and sign up. Make the kvetch come to you!

Sunday, July 04, 2004

TERRORIST MOOSE ATTACK PARADE

In what could be the first attack by a new al-Qaeda sleeper cell, two potentially killer moose invaded Brighton, Utah during the town's annual July 4 parade:

"They stopped the parade and everybody just sat and watched," said Amber Bailey, a volunteer cleaning up after breakfast. "They could kill somebody. It was amazing that they would have the guts to walk out in front of everybody."

The malfunctioning moose did not accomplish its objective, which some speculate was to take out the Mormons, but it did instead manage to terrify a few morons, who scampered away during the animal invasion.

The senior of the two moose, who answered to the name "Marty," denied that the attack was revenge for the demise of the National Lampoon's Vacation movie franchise after the first set of Clark and Ellen Griswold's kids were replaced for the sequels. He also would neither confirm nor deny that he and his compatriot were sent by al-Qaeda's Behemoth Animal Division to "strike at the heart of what America holds dear, polygamy."

President George Bush could not be reached for comment, as he was in high-level meetings with the U.S. Minister of Difficult Vocabulary, trying to understand how the word moose could be both singular and plural.

F-BOMBS, T-SHIRTS AND ORTHODOX JEWS

So, last week our Vice President told someone to go fuck himself. I use the full expletive here and not some garbled collection of symbols to signify the four-letter word, because this is the Internet, and most bloggers would agree that our medium can be less reverent, on a regular basis.

This led to much media discussion of whether to print the so-called "F-Bomb" in newspaper headlines. (Call me sheltered, but I had never heard of the term "F-Bomb" until Omarosa used it on The Apprentice to describe Heidi's language.)

In other illicit news, the Victoria's Secret store on 85th and Broadway features mannequins (paging Andrew McCarthy) that are pretty modestly dressed, especially compared to their slutty sisters in Lincoln Center. Why? Because of the burgeoning Orthodox population on the Upper West Side.

Apparently, most Upper West Side residents haven't gotten the memo. In the past two weeks, I've seen the following T-shirts on Upper West Side denizens:

Boobs not bombs.

Note: May I point out the impracticality of dropping boobs on Iraq? Would they even know what they were? Would we have to wrap them in burkas or some similar garb to shield Arab eyes from viewing immodestly unclad breasts? I guess that in this case, cloaking devices would employ actual cloaks.

Will fuck for coke.

Note: At press time, it was assumed that this T-shirt referred to the drug cocaine, and not to C2, Coca-Cola's new low-carb cola drink. If this fine publication discovers that the truth is otherwise, the editrix of said publication will inform her readers, tout de suite.

We live in troubled times.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

100th EPISODE: READY FOR SYNDICATION

In the history of a TV show, 100 episodes is considered a major milestone, as it marks the point at which that program is usually ready for syndication.

This is my 100th post, and I'm also ready to be paid gobs of money for my reruns, so if you know of anyone who's buying, let me know. By reading the My Urban Kvetch Oldies-But-Goodies, they'll find out what you already know, all the things I've done and talked about over lo, these many months:

In the early days, I provided moment-by-moment Oscars commentary. I struggled with my toilet. I attended a 50/50 party where there are supposed to be many eligible guys. I wrote the definitive Celeste in the City essay.

My alter ego, Carb Girl, bought breakfast cereal and mourned the closing of a local bagelry.

I contemplated the Name of God, Yom Hashoah (Holocaust Memorial Day) and Yom Ha'atzmaut (Israeli Independence Day).

I reminisced about an old ex-something. I decided the blogosphere needed a safe space for people to "deal" with online dating trauma, and founded JDaters Anonymous.

I spoofed Bridget Jones and her diary; I tried to stop the magazines from taking over my apartment; I reacted surprisingly well to the end of Friends.

I appealed to Kate Lee from ICM to make me famous. I mourned the passing of Angel. I sang the praises of Sixteen Candles.

And of course, I became Madonna and got pooped on.

It's been a real journey. And I did it all with you by my side, gentle readers. It was a small audience that grew, from anonymous posters into real friends. Over a thousand visits since the webcounter was installed last week.

Happy 100th Postday to My Urban Kvetch. Here's to the next 100! I hope you'll all be there with me.

Love,
Esther
The Urban Kvetch Bloggerette

My Urban Kvetch: 07/2004 - 08/2004

Friday, July 30, 2004

KABBALIEVE IT OR NOT, EPISODE 2

Let's recap:

Madonna loves Kabbalah. So she decides to adopt various customs, some of which are Jewish (not performing concerts on Friday nights) and others of which (Kabbalah candles) are not. She writes children's books on Kabbalah-related themes, wears tefilin and Hebrew letters tattoed on her arm in her videos, and dines out in kosher restaurants.

Britney loves Madonna, Kabbalah and getting married. So she reads Jewish mysticism poolside, dons the trendy red string bracelet and decides to get married in the world's first ever Kabbalah wedding.

Demi loved Bruce. But now she loves Ashton. And Demi and Ashton love Kabbalah, too, so they're going to get married in a Kabbalah ceremony in Israel.

The race to the newly erected Kabbalah altar has begun. Only their wedding planners know which celebrity couple will get there first...

Just a few of the questions that remain:
  • Will the winner be Britney and Kevin, or Demi and Ashton?
  • Will the weddings be kosher, or held on a major Jewish holiday?
  • Does Bruce Willis have a date to Demi's wedding? And does he date only Baywatch babes, or would he consider expanding to include funny Jewish women of non-Baywatch body type who could use her Hebrew skills to help show him around Israel?
 

(Thank you, Bloghead, for the tip on this important and life-altering development.)

ITEM IS "TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE"

Dear Target Customer,

We regretfully inform you that the item that you ordered, Red Kabbalah String, is temporarily unavailable. 

Note that we do not claim that this item is "out of stock," since that would indicate that we have been stocking red string that has been to Bethlehem and wrapped around the tomb of Rachel the matriarch. We have not been stocking this string. In fact, we don't even know how it got distributed to our stores across country. And there is no indication at present that these strings have visited tombs in any foreign countries, let alone Israel.

A team of recently convened independent investigators have revealed that these strings were taken from the frays of several items rejected from Target's new line Isaac Mizrahi clothing. There is some documentation to support the fact that when Isaac's coulat designs did not take off as expected, certain area managers decided to cut their fabric losses and repackage the threads as Kabbalah strings.

We are sending a September mission to Israel to investigate new sources for Kabbalah string. The leader of that mission, a Ms. Ciccone of Michigan, will be bringing bolts of string to the Holy Land and will personally wrap Rachel's Tomb in as much string as possible before breaking into Yiddish songs.

Once the string has absorbed the full negativity-deflection power of the tomb, it will be measured, cut to size and hermetically sealed in an envelope marked "Kabbalah String." The envelope will also include a special activation packet; simply drop the string and the packet into a tub of Kabbalah water (available in 12-, 24- and 96-ounce bottles in most local Target stores in Aisle 4, Spirituality), and you should perceive a pinkish tint to the water. This means that your Kabbalah string bracelet has officially been activated and, once dry, is ready to be worn to help you deflect the negativity and quizzical looks of others.

 We know that you have a choice in Kabbalah string providers and we hope that you will continue to choose us to answer all of your Kabbalah product needs.

At Target, we take pride in the products that we bring to America, and we thank you for your patience.

Signed,

Quebert T. Jokester
Customer Service Representative

Thursday, July 29, 2004

THE "BLAIRE HITCHED" PROJECT

My newest article, about Blaire the Soon-to-Be Bride from marryblaire.com, is now online:
"The Blaire Hitched Project."

Enjoy!

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

POSTINGS AT JDATERS ANONYMOUS

Two dating-related blog posts over at JDaters Anonymous:

Read about the Craigslist postings of frum (really religious) Jews looking for casual sex, based on the NY Observer article titled: "Hot! Sex! Live! Frum!"

(Yes, sometimes I wish I were kidding about stuff like this.)

Or, if breaking up is more your thing, you may have seen the Newsweek story already, but there's a new site that asks you to blog your breakup.

M. NIGHTMARE SHYAMALAN

I Hate You, M. Night Shyamalan

I hate you, M. Night Shyamalan. For O so many things. For daring to invade my hours of precious sleep, as they are, already waning, and decimate them with half-waking dreams of terror, the kind where you feel like there's no justifiable reason for the fear, but are nonetheless scared out of your mind.

I hate you, M. Night Shyamalan, for having manipulated my dreams and turned them against me, converting a time of rest into fitful half-sleep. Through your ad campaigns that reveal no plot but convey every fear, I bear my anxiety solidly, in the shape of tears cried in sleep, and it woke me with a crying out aloud and a clawing at my own skin (get them off me, get them off me) that knows no logical point of origin, no natural comfort.

But I also forgive you. This is your brilliance--imposing the supernatural perspective on the masses. You cannot help yourself for delving into the darkness, both yours and mine.

OR...

And the Nightmare Goes To...

"I'd like to thank the Nightmare Academy for this prestigious award, but I would be remiss if I didn't mention all the people who sucked my night's sleep dry of any substance and replaced it with a thudding sense of fear and forboding--my landlord, for inspiring me with ever-increasing rent; my friends who keep getting married, making me feel like even more of a spinster; and of course, Chris Carter, David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson and TNT, for their late-night reruns of The X-Files, which fill my head with images no human should have to see before bedtime. And then there's the man who inspires it all. M. Night, this Nightmare's for you!"

MADONNEWS CENTER UPDATE

Apparently, I've become My Urban Kvetch: Your Madonna News Source (trademark pending).

This is the latest: Madonna's singing in Yiddish now.

I, for one, am glad. This is just what the universe needed. And I'll tell you why...

Way back when my brother was in high school, he had an extra credit assignment in Social Studies class to translate the Billy Ray Cyrus classic "Achy Breaky Heart" into Yiddish, and perform it for the class.  He taped it, and played it for us, and oh--how we laughed. It sounded so funny. And yet there was something avant garde about it.

[Carrie Bradshaw moment: I found myself wondering, could other songs find another life re-recorded in a mellifluous combination of German and Hebrew?]

Now Madonna is making everyone's dreams come true and proving the prescience of this particular teacher.  Taking a cue from the resurgence of klezmer and her interest in all things moderately Jewish, she now performs songs in Yiddish. Which songs? Iz Brent? Oifn Pripetchik? The Partizaner Lid? (And yes, those are the only three Yiddish songs I know, having learned them in sixth-grade when I was in choir. Oh, I know 'em. And I'm not afraid to use 'em. Don't you dare dare me...)

I would love to know how Madge's songs translate. Yiddish-speakers--feel free to submit your lyrics here. (May I suggest "Like a Prayer" to start with?) If they are submitted in the next two weeks, I promise to sing one of them at the next karaoke event I'm scheduled to emcee.

 



Tuesday, July 27, 2004

MY BIG FAT GAY SIMPSONS

So, word's out by now that this year's season of the The Simpsons will feature the "coming out" of one of its beloved characters, in an episode centering on gay marriage. The question, posed to thousands of geeks everywhere at ComicCon (a major conference of comic book/sci fi fans--think that classic SNL sketch where William Shatner tells the fans to "Get a life!"), is, which character will it be?

This article calculates the odds. I think they're right. Because we automatically think "Smithers," means it's probably not Smithers.

IMHO? I'd love to see Flanders come out of his Bible-thumping closet. It would be a real conflict for Homer's favorite neighbor. Another possibility with California gubernatorial ramifications? McBain.

(I know this is going to be another popular discussion, a la the Harry Potter debate...can I bust through the glass ceiling of the whopping 13 comments that has received? Time will tell, as the number of visitors on my webcounter continues to go up and the number of comments on my posts continues to go down...)

NEXT TIME, ON "KABBALIEVE IT OR NOT!"

I swear, people just send me this stuff.

Never mind that, to the best of my knowledge, there is no Kabbalah wedding. Veruca Salt, I mean Britney Spears, is having one anyway. ("But I want one, Mummy! And it's going to be the best, most expensive Kabbalah wedding EVER! And I want it NOW!!)

The article reports that the blessed event will be taking place on an "autumn weekend." I'm willing to bet that it's either September 18 (Shabbat Shuva--The Sabbath of Repentance between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur), the 19th (The Fast of Gedaliah), or Saturday September 25 (Yom Kippur).

Let's just see how Jewish a "Kabbalah wedding" is going to be.  Will the wedding include all of the traditional Jewish elements, such as:
  • Yarmulkes? (Maybe a pink satin yarmulke bra with the name of the couple and the date stamped on the inside?)
  • The traditional veiling of the bride (followed by the untraditional striptease of the bride)?
  • The smorgasbord, including a sushi buffet?
  • Horas galoras? (it's bound to include several media whore-as galoras...)
  • An elderly couple in the corner gossiping about the bridesmaids' dresses and complaining about the traffic on the way to the wedding?
  • A "first dance" between the newlyweds, with gyrating bridesmaids & groomsmen/backup dancers? (OK, so that's parting with Jewish tradition a little, but worth looking into for my eventual karaoke wedding, time, location and groom TBD)

My brain is spinning at even considering what this wedding is going to be like. I guess I'll have to sit back and wait for my invitation.

Monday, July 26, 2004

NEW BOOK REVIEW ONLINE

My newest article, a book review of a Holocaust memoir, is now online at JBooks.com for your reading interest.

Book Review: "Telling the Tale of Inge"

HOW YA GONNA KEEP THE AMISH DOWN ON THE FARM AFTER THEY'VE SEEN L.A.?

So, we all thought "Amish in the City" was a bad idea, kind of like the worst exploitation of unwitting teenagers married to big city nudity and corruption by a preacher at the church of the Real World. Turns out, the Christian Science Monitor thinks it's a good show.

Wednesday night, UPN, 8pm. A ten-part series featuring some of the most attractive Amish people you could ever hope to see--no offense to Kelly McGillis. As they head to L.A. for the rite of rumspringen, the gang encounters many questions. Will the girls bare their midriffs and go to karaoke bars to sing Britney Spears songs? Will the boys strip to reveal Chippendale-dancer abs and become surfers? Only UPN knows.

Sunday, July 25, 2004

REVENGE OF THE SITH

So, Star Wars fans, Episode III's title has been released and it's "Revenge of the Sith." Wanna bet they change it to "Return of the Sith" two months before the film's release? If you got that joke, you're probably as big a Star Wars nerd as I am. Still can't tell how big a nerd you are? Don't worry. I can help...

You might be a Star Wars nerd if...

...you try to use the Force to wrest the cordless phone from its base and make it fly across the room to you, even though it's only four feet away...

...you use Jedi mind tricks, either at home or at work...(An example: "I'm not the employee you're looking for...")

...you find yourself calling someone a "scruffy-looking Nerfherder"...

...you know that Luke was going to go to Tashi to pick up some power converters...

...you have an old videotape of Episode IV in which the stormtrooper hits his head on the way into the room where Threepio and R2 are holed up...

...when someone says "No, it's not true," you are compelled to say "I'll never join you!"

...you know how to say "Bantha fodder" in Huttese...

...you see two danishes at a continental breakfast and automatically think of Princess Leia's hair in Episode IV...

...you cried when Alec Guinness died in real life...

...you know who Admiral Akbar, Nien Nunb and Salacious Crumb are...

...you were shocked when you first saw James Earl Jones...

...the name Jar-Jar Binks fills you with a terrible, vengeful wrath...

...your hope for a new episode has fueled your existence for the past several years, only to have your faith betrayed by the increasingly weak Episode I, Episode II and a lackluster title for Episode III...not that you'll skip the Revenge of the Sith, or whatever it will be called by then...because you're a Star Wars fan, and you'll see whatever they'll give you.

I know how you feel.

 

THIS IS SO WRONG

The yarmulke-bra.

Or as I like to call it, "the end of the world as we know it."

I guess we'll see if the company starts making them in the different "flavors" that help us identify "what sort of Jew" the wearer is.  A large serugah (crocheted) means sympathetic with the settlers, a smaller serugah means contemporary modern Orthodox, black velvet is super-religious, pink satin means the bra was picked up at a Reform bar mitzvah...the political possibilities are endless...

Think Madonna has one? Or twelve? Hers are probably bustiers, designed by Jean Paul Gauthier. Come to think of it, this could be a good way for you, gentle readers, to tell us apart. Madonna/Esther will be the one wearing the yarmulke bra. Regular My-Urban-Kvetching Esther will not. I assure you. Ever.

"Thanks" (if that's the right word) to Jewschool for this story.

DAVID EIGENBERG ALERT/WHAT I AM

David Eigenberg Alert!

The artist formerly known as Steve Brady (on Sex & the City) has just been spotted on USA's excellent new alien abduction series The 4400, in which 4400 abductees are returned to earth with new powers that may make them dangerous. Steve/David's power is that he becomes a vigilante, even though he's a 5'6 fishmonger.  If you haven't seen the show, it's on every Sunday night for the next few weeks, although I sense that David's not long for this show. Oh yeah, there he goes. Murdered in the very park he's trying to clean up. Oops. And it's an uncredited guest spot. No credit for the character actors.

What I Am

"You are like champagne: Effervescent, delightful and intoxicating."
If only that compliment were coming from a boyfriend instead of from Yahoo! Astrology, I'd be happy.  Oh well. Maybe next century.

Friday, July 23, 2004

RENEWING OUR DAYS

This coming Monday night is Tish'ah B'Av, a Jewish fast day commemorating the destruction of the Holy Temple in Jerusalem. This is a piece I wrote for Tish'ah B'Av 2002.

Renewing our Days

We trudged out into the night at its very beginning, just after the sun had slipped away and as the dark was spreading across the mid-summer sky. As we walked, step after heavy step across a wet field and then across unstable gravel, we felt the seriousness of the evening descend, even as the heat of the day dissapated in its waning moments. For the next twenty-four hours, we would not eat or wash. Instead, we would reflect on our losses, mourn them and hope for a better future. Destination reached, we were instructed to sit in circles of ten on cold concrete. At each circle’s center sat one small candle, flickering tentatively, but constantly, in the darkness.

In this introspective atmosphere every summer campers and staff members at Camp Ramah in the Berkshires, a Conservative Jewish camp, commemorate one of the most mournful days on the Jewish calendar, Tish’ah b’Av (the ninth day of the Hebrew month of Av). According to tradition, many of the tragedies in world and Jewish history happened on this date, including the destruction of both Temples, the expulsion of the Jews from Spain in 1492 and even, according to some, the outbreak of World War One. To commemorate these sad events, Tish’ah b’Av was instituted as a day of mourning. Rituals observed include reciting special prayers set to mournful tunes, fasting and not wearing leather. (Despite the agony caused by much of modern footwear, wearing leather shoes was traditionally considered a sign of luxury and comfort.)

At Ramah, we were immersed in an educational environment, where each day presented a fresh opportunity to learn about Judaism and about ourselves. Tish’ah b’Av was certainly no exception. That night on the concrete basketball courts, in our circles surrounding small candles, we read the book of Eikhah (Lamentations), which describes the destruction of Jerusalem and its holy sites. Then we sang mournful songs about the devastation of Jerusalem’s holy places. Both Eikhah and the songs provide vivid details of the destruction, giving an emotional play-by-play of the befores and afters of a city B once great, now fallen.

But the Eikhah experience was only the beginning. The next day, the regular schedule of meals, sports and classes was suspended. Instead, we submerged ourselves in intense reflection and mourning. Tish’ah b’Av’s morning programming was always dedicated to remembering the destroyed Temples and the centuries of persecution since, from the Crusades to the Russian pogroms to Hitler’s war against the Jews. Often, as we fasted and lamented, we attended discussion groups about events in Jewish history or viewed films with a Holocaust or persecution-related theme. Afternoon programming was always less somber. Led by the Israeli specialists—nature counselors, arts and crafts leaders, and music and dance teachers—who spent their summers with us and were living examples of the strength of contemporary Israel, activities were more cautiously optimistic, focusing instead on the future. Special presentations utilizing Israeli song, dance and historical drama portrayed an Israel born in adversity that, against all odds, has managed to survive and thrive.

Although we live in a present where Israel has always existed, it takes only a preliminary dip into history to recognize that the current conflict is a danger to its future. In each of the Temple periods, the people of Israel assumed that they were safe within their circumstances. They knew where they were, but forgot how they got there. As a result, the Temples were destroyed. According to the Eikhah account, young and old lay dead in the streets; women and men alike were slain unsparingly. Eikhah’s author, even after witnessing the carnage, still maintains hope that God will not cast him off forever. At the book’s end, the author appeals to God for the rebuilding of Jerusalem and the regeneration of Israel and the Jewish people to a position of strength and security—the renewal of “our days as of old.”

At camp we refreshed our knowledge of Jewish history, establishing an awareness that what we know is not always what was. We also projected that what we know today is not always what will be tomorrow. Modern Israel has its own set of problems, conflicts caused by the same forces that contributed to its creation: the religious fervor of pilgrims from many religions, the existential desperation of persecuted Jews searching for a homeland, dedication to the Zionist ideal, national pride in the concept of a uniquely Jewish state. In the past year, we have all seen the ravages of war, both abroad and at home; to picture desecration in contemporary Jerusalem unfortunately takes little or no imagination.

Renewal, regeneration, rebuilding—these themes have added meaning for us this year. Those of us who still pray plead to unseen sources for strength. We ask for the physical and emotional ability to continue, amid security alerts of every conceivable color and vague and unspecific, yet looming, threats of mass destruction.We have recently been reminded that safety is both relative and fleeting. But in this season of sadness and uncertainty, I return to the hopeful lessons of camp, where they taught us that with awareness of both our history and our present, God will renew our days as of old.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

LIFE NEEDS A BETTER RATING

Who's going to see my movie at this rate? I need an R. Better arrange for Colin Farrell to go full frontal, quick...


My life is rated PG-13.
What is your life rated?


Thanks to Dawn for this quiz.

LOVE AND POLITICS IN A YEAR OF ELECTION

That's right folks: now you can tailor your online search for love according to political viewpoint. See my post on JDaters Anonymous.

I'm sure that Dawn and Karol already know about this.

BLOGGING AND JOURNALISTIC LEGITIMACY

Boy, that sounds like a serious title for an Esther blog post. I almost don't even want to write it. But I will! Why? Because it's important.

Last week, media consultant Susan Mernit started blogging about what she'd like to see happen at the Democratic National Convention, bloggerwise. She's been posting regular reports as news organizations, notably CNN, announce their plans to include bloggers in their coverage.

Then on today's daily media news feed from Media Bistro, there was this announcement:

BLOGGING AGAINST CONVENTION
Adam Penenberg: At this year's Democratic convention, the 35 bloggers covering the festivities could liven things up. Hell, a couple of them could even become media stars.
http://www.wired.com/news/culture/0,1284,64273,00.html?tw=wn_tophead_2

 
Penenberg reports:
The Associated Press has even joined the blog parade, launching its own -- to be written by Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter Walter R. Mears. MTV, not to be outdone, has tapped snarky, inside-the-Beltway blogger wonkette -- known in real life as Ana Marie Cox (or is it the other way around?) -- to be its on-air convention reporter. Meanwhile, the Democratic National Committee has enlisted its own "official" blogger -- Eric Schnure, a former speechwriter for Vice President Al Gore.
 
What does it all mean? That the word "journalism" is about to be redefined more broadly. That our blog voices are not just voices in our collective head. That our words are powerful, even if they do not appear in the conventionally acceptable media outlets.

Welcome to the blog revolution.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

ATLANTIC CITY

Sitting on the patch of beach in front of the Tropicana, I see endless oceans. There is the water, of course. Also the gangs of seagulls, occasionally punctuated by what one assumes are marauding pigeon posses or sandpiper squads, infringing on territory and staking a claim on the sand. One gull, his head markably larger and whiter, seems to be both outcast and leader--no other birds challenge him, but neither do they embrace his differences. Throngs of sunbathers, wavejumpers and builders of sandcastles and dreams.

Treading the boards, a slice of America--a cross-section of the heartland, or at least the East Coast--refugee extras from "Supersize Me," here for optimism and hope, in the guise of sun or slots. The endless train of casinos provides exits and rest stops along the wooden highway. The spectre of Donald Trump and modern kitsch, uniting splendidly in a black T-shirt that reads "You're Fired!", seeks to smother the history and spirit of the classical Atlantic City, the one of memory and nostalgia.

My friend walks for miles along the ocean's edge. I write to the margins of my paper and feel somehow inadequate. Best to come here with someone, I think. It helps avoid the temptation, brought on by the waves, that I might feel to walk endlessly, on board or sand or in water, until I disappear.

There's a freedom in anonymity here. I worry less about what other people think and let whim and relaxation be my momentary masters. The mist here helps me, hiding the truth, masquing brightness in haze and clouds in sun--the resultant blend of meteorological humors mixes me up with my metaphors.

The casinos rising in the distance are supposed to represent temptation, the promise of wealth, euphoria and hedonism. But one look at the reality and you see hope and humanity flipped over in a ditch. No fun to be had there. No hope for them. No humor. Just the thousands of prayers to the God of chance, treaties that fall on deaf ears.

Flanked by aggressive seagulls who squawk strategies at each other, my relaxation is present, appreciated, but tenuous. I still can't help feeling surrounded.

THIS IS SO "META"

Remember that whole "meta" trend from about a year ago? Well, try this on for size.

Esther became Madonna at karaoke event. Then Madonna became Esther because of Kabbalah. Then The O.E. (Original Esther) wrote to D.D.E. (Duplicate Diva Esther) and invited her to Shabbat dinner. The O.E. posted that invitation here. Now, that invitation to D.D.E is being reprinted online at GenerationJ, and The O.E. is posting a link on My Urban Kvetch, where the original invitation/article to D.D.E. appeared. Sounds a little like the work of the infamous Department of Redundancy Department.

Anyway, just wanted to share. GenerationJ.com is a terrific read, especially for Jews in their twenties (and ok, thirties too...), plus they have the arguable honor of having printed some of my earliest humor pieces, where I first began to weave my tangled writer's web of Jewish life and pop culture. So, consider it your first stop on the tour of the Museum of Me. (Virtual tours are conducted every six hours and thirteen minutes, and are available with simultaneous translation into Hebrew, Level 2 French, gibberish and Long Island Kvetch.  Mimes and interpretive dancers are available at additional cost. Be sure to visit the gift shop on your way out for some lovely souvenirs, like pages from my old Filo-Fax, ragingly suicidal high school poems and unused pens that have been in my desk drawer for five years.)

Sunday, July 18, 2004

MY FRIDAY AS MRS. MURPHY

If only the headline of this post meant that I had met a charming, handsome Irishman named Murphy, and eloped so we could enjoy the solitude of our love, for at least the first 24-36 hours of our union...instead, it is my distinct horror to admit that anything that could have gone wrong on Friday, clearly did. I am clearly now engaged, if not to Murphy himself, then to his Law.
 
What follows is an abbreviated form of the sweaty, frustrating, endless wait of a day that Friday was for Our Heroine.
 
Super Freelancer Braves the DMV
Had to get a driver's license. Friends swore NY State license-getting was a breeze. Decided to be anal and check website's instructions and call the information line that tells you what to bring, just to be sure I had everything. You needed 6 "points" worth of identification; my passport (4) and old NJ license (2) should have been than enough. For good measure, I threw in a Con Ed bill and a copy of my Social Security statement (an extra 2 points each). Got there, was summarily discharged by the sweltering elevator into an inferno of a waiting room where there was a 1.5 hour line just to get on line. We snaked back and forth around the antechamber; every five minutes, an elevator arrived and spewed forth additional queuers-to-be. Got to the main line, which snaked around for another 15 minutes. Finally, nirvana. The window. Then the mean man staffing it informs me of their new, post-9/11 policy: no matter how many points of ID you have, you must also have your original social security card, or you can't get a license. Who the hell knows where that stupid card is?? How do they know it's an original, anyway? Is there some special 1971-edition hologram on it that proves that I didn't make it myself on the Internet? Do my parents have it in a safe-deposit box somewhere??) But of course, they don't tell you that on the website or on the phone line.  I left, making a beeline for the Manhattan Mall, with its industrial strength air conditioning and TCBY.
 
Detour: Commerce Bank
On the way home, stopped and checked my bank balance. Not good.
 
Coming Out of the Dark
Apartment light burned out. Two weeks ago. Have been denying the fact that I am slowly going blind, while waiting to find the super. Then I just got tired of waiting--climbed atop my sink to discern which type of bulb was needed and managed to extricate one without dropping it. Went to the hardware store and bought the damn bulbs. Then spent close to an hour perched barefoot atop my sink trying to screw them in, while my halogen, the only remaining source of light, gave me heatstroke, and I was sure, a very dangerous tan. Then one of the old bulbs slipped--I just managed to catch it as it hit the floor. Phew. The first time luck's been on my side all day. It's cracked, but not broken. Then, a sound like an ice cube hitting hot coffee--crack! And it exploded into smithereens. I was still barefoot, now surrounded by broken glass. I screamed: "No!!" and I believe even "Why, God...why??!!" I gathered up my courage and the visible bits of glass from the floor and disposed of them safely. I swept up in the kitchen, and wore shoes for the rest of the day. A day later, there still may be a shard in my foot. I'm not sure. 
 
Vacation, All I Ever Wanted
On those days when you totally hate your life and everything makes you cry...nothing's better than planning a vacation. I have no time, no money and no energy to book a cruise. So I'm going to Atlantic City, even though it's going to rain. If luck is on my side, my roll of quarters will become a couple of hundred bucks, and my vacation will pay for itself. And if not? I'll be back before I (or you) know it, burning the midnight oil and hoping that the next job's going to be the lucrative one. No worse off than I am now, and maybe, hopefully, a little more relaxed.

Friday, July 16, 2004

TEN THINGS I AM NOT GOING TO BUY ON E-BAY OR ANYWHERE EVER

And yes, I'm aware of the supportive undergarment theme that runs through it. Don't like it, don't read it. But read it.

1. Keira Knightley's strategic-bands-of-leather costume from King Arthur. I love tefillin as much as the next Jewish woman who doesn't wear them, but I am pretty sure phylacteries are supposed to go on arm and head, not um, torso.

2. A hair removal cream called Nads. I cannot say "ick" fast enough.

3. Milla Jovovich's strategic-bands-of-white-cloth costume from The Fifth Element. Yes, I know it was designed by Jean-Paul Gauthier. I'm still not running around the present, past or future with only a piece of gauze over my breasts.

4. Licorice-flavored anything. If I could pick one flavor that would become extinct, it's this one. Yuck.

5. Penis enlargement products. The advantage to one's boyfriend being a full-on product of one's own imagination is that he doesn't need these kinds of creams, ointments or pills. He's perfect just the way he is (Love you, baby!)...

6. A water bra, or any other supportive garment that either adds circumference or projection inches, or in any way promises "exceptional cleavage." I've got enough to worry about.
    (And while we're talking bizarro brassieres, I'd like to point out that Dillard's has just introduced the bicolor bra. Allow me to describe this feat of engineering: It hooks in the front AND in the back, and has interchangeable sides. The ad shows a woman with bra halves in different colors: white, black, camelia rose--which looks like fuschia in the ad--and "butterfly green." Not that I've ever seen a green butterfly, but whatever. You tell me: was this a man's idea or a woman's?)

7. Beauty products listing "placenta" as an ingredient. (I may have to go vomit now.)

8. A John Deere tractor. The grass never grows in my studio.

9. That ab belt that slims you down through electric impulses stimulating a series of muscles in specific succession. You've gotta be kidding me...that can't possibly work. You'd have to be an idi--but that infomercial SWEARS that it works...well, maybe...NO! NO! A definite no. Moving on now.

10. One of those Hang in There kitty-in-the-tree posters. Apologies to my college roommate Lisa, who had that poster in our room sophomore year. It never bothered me then. But now, I guess the years have taught me to see the negativity behind the cheeriness of inspirational posters. (I guess I am that jaded New Yorker, after all...) The cat is just hanging there, like it's been the victim of some awful lynching or fraternity prank, helpless and hopeless, and wanting the photographer to save him. But does he? No. Just takes the picture, slaps up a three-word slogan, and makes a ton of cash off the rights. For all we know, that cat is still up there, waiting for someone to help it out of the tree and back into the life it left behind.
 
The witching hour has arrived. I must exfoliate. Luckily, I received a surprise gift from Amazon.com today. I didn't order anything; I almost didn't open it, because we are on elevated alert, and it could have been a bomb. Or a really bad book. But it was a boxful of beauty products, thanking me for being one of their best customers (which apparently means anyone who bought a book from them in the last year or two) and announcing the arrival of beauty products now available through their site. Most of it is very small sizes of top-of-the-line stuff that I'd never buy. So I'm gonna try it all! So far, I'm a fan of the Jurlique Lip Care balm, but it's not so much balmy as ointmenty. Very moisturizing, though. I'd better check the ingredients for placenta. 

Thursday, July 15, 2004

MISS "SEX AND THE CITY"?

If you miss "Sex and the City," check out my new interview with Cindy Chupack, one of the show's writers and executive producers.

Here's a teaser, which includes my favorite sentence in the whole piece:

"Sex and the City,” the Emmy Award-winning show about four single women in New York, spoke to America. For some, it was fashion that resonated, but put me in Manolos and I’ll fall right on my Blahnik. For me, it was the writing: wise, witty, and infused with a precarious optimism about navigating the singles scene.

Gotta have more? You're in luck! This article, my latest singles column in the Jewish Week, is available here.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

STIFLER'S MOM AND ISLAMIC LIBERATION

I know. Nothing the two could possibly have in common, right?

Well, it so happens that I'm editing a book about al-Qaeda and its affiliate terror organizations. In one of the chapters, the text notes that there's a al-Qaeda affiliate in the Phillipines that is known as the Moro Islamic Liberation Front. And yes, they go by their acronym: MILF.

If this is lost on you, I refer you to the MILF phenomenon brought to the cultural fore by Paul and Chris Weitz in their teen comedy classic, "American Pie," and ushered into musical awareness by Fountains of Wayne in their song, "Stacy's Mom."

Al-Qaeda...not funny.

Acronyms with double meanings...priceless.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

MORE ESTHER??

My posts have been a little sparse this week, and for that I apologize. More fresh Esther soon, I promise. In the interim, you may want to check out my other blog, JDaters Anonymous, which focuses not just on the trials and tribulations of online dating, but surveys dating trends in general.

Feel free to contribute your stories of humor, horror and humiliation, and we'll get some online discussions going...names can be changed to protect the innocent. You can post your comments on the site, or send them to JDaters Anonymous. Especially since I've just quit JDate again, at least for now, I'm going to be lacking in JDate stories, so I look to you to supplement.

Names can be changed to protect the innocent.

Sunday, July 11, 2004

DATELINE WASHINGTON, D.C.--INSOMNIA HITS BLOGGERETTE

Watching The Usual Suspects for like the jillionth time, and am awed by all the performances, even Stephen Baldwin's. Whenever I catch it on TV, I have to watch it through to the end. (There are only a few movies like that for me: The Shawshank Redemption's another...)

Is it just me, or does Benicio del Toro look like Brad Pitt? I know one's blond, one's not, but there's something about the shape of the face that's strikingly similar.

Oh, and I LOVE Gabriel Byrne. Just sharing.

Thursday, July 08, 2004

RAISON DE BLOG

Sounds like "raisin' the roof." Ok, only a little.

Everyone's so contemplative this week! Here's an article from this week's Jewish Week about "The New Diarists." (That's us, bloggers, just to clarify.)

Personally, I think blogging's more than just journal entries. The anonymous confessional component is certainly a formidable one, but I think it's a combination of lots of other factors/conditions: reaction to repression, self-publishing for writers of all types, histrionic need for the attention of others, creating a community of the like-minded, stirring up passions and opinions, reaching people across cultural, language and religious divides, etc.

Emily Dickinson said that the soul selects its own society. IMHO, blogging is an illustration of that societal selection. We put ourselves out there, seek out others who share our views or who appreciate our perspectives, and find ourselves a virtual society, meeting friends and sometimes lovers in a new way, getting to know them from the inside out. It's really an amazingly powerful medium...

[After preaching to the choir, Esther bows modestly, and yields the podium to the people. Then, her society speaks.]

SHOW ME THE FUNNY

My newest article, an account of last week's Funniest Amateur Standup Comic in New York (or something like that) contest, is now online on the Jewish Week website. Click here to read it...

I know what you are thinking: "Esther, why weren't you in the competition?" And it's a good question. The main reason is that, as a regular columnist for the Jewish Week, I was ineligible this year. If I don't have my column next year, then maybe...but I think I will still want to have my column next year, so we'll see.

The most appalling thing about this competition is that there were no women in the finals. There was apparently one woman scheduled to appear, but she canceled. Next year's crop of Jewish comics better include some funny femmes fatales, or I might have to go medieval on standup's ass.

Next week, my Jewish Week column features an interview with Sex and the City scribe/executive producer Cindy Chupack. Fun stuff coming your way, so stay tuned!

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

EXFOLIATION FOLLIES

Yesterday was unusual. I decided to go to a body sculpting class in the middle of the day. And that decision set into motion a chain of events that had very negative epidermal reprecussions.

When I came back, I Sea Breezed my face. In this weather, it really helps to cool things off, and doesn't cost me anything on my Con Ed bill. It felt cool, invigorating and refreshing. Then I showered, using a mild exfoliant on my face. When I came out of the shower, my skin was pink, smooth and gleaming. Perfect. Then I spent the rest of the afternoon in my apartment, doing work, and occasionally, Sea Breezing my face.

Then, for a change of scenery, I headed over to Barnes & Noble to buy my book club book, Brick Lane, and pick up the Best New American Short Story anthology, which contains a story by a good friend of mine. I sat in the cafe with an iced decaf Americano and edited a story I'd written. I was feeling good; in the groove of being a writer in New York.

I came home, and as I was a little perspirationy, I Sea Breezed. Then I spent several hours on another article, posted to my blog, and started my preparations for bed, including washing my face. Forgetting that I had already exfoliated in the shower, I used another face product that had apricot, almond and other abrasive ingredients. As soon as I was done, my face started to burn. As I watched it in the mirror, my face started to swell and its color deepened to a bright purple. I felt like I had spent three hours in the sun with baby oil on my face. Thinking it was an allergic reaction (although I'd been using the product for months now with no ill effects), I grabbed my Dove soap to scrub the offensive residue from my sensitive cheeks...forgetting that I had bought the exfoliating Dove instead of the regular.

Now my face was really mad. What could I do to appease it, to mitigate the burning sensations? What if I was having a severe anaphylactic shock-type of reaction to the exfoliant? Should I go to the emergency room even though I don't have health insurance? Or should I go to sleep, and hope for the best in the morning?

A quick survey of my apartment yielded an answer: the AHAVA advance moisturizer I had bought last time I was in Israel. I slathered it on, and my skin gulped it up like I had never fed it moisturizer before. Again, I slathered. And lay down to sleep, hoping for the best. I was plagued by dreams of living with a face forever marked by my exfoliation folly.

This morning, I rushed to the mirror, expecting to behold a grotesque and phantom-of-the-opera type disfigurement that would require my immediate hermitdom. But it was like it never happened. My face was back to normal. I wondered if I had dreamed the whole thing. Maybe it had been a hallucination, magically conjured by my mother and injected into my dream state to get me on the ball in terms of getting health insurance. Or maybe it was a sign of stress, externally manifesting the inner panic that happens when I write out my monthly rent check.

In any case, I've learned my lesson. Exfoliate no more than once a day. And take it easy on the Sea Breeze.

MANIFESTO OF THE SELF

In visiting many of my favorite blogs, this issue keeps coming up, so I might as well address it.

Today alone, I found the following entries on blogs pondering the Big Reason behind all the blogging.

Alyssa mourns a less-than-stellar review by a weblog reviewer.

Fish ponders her own existence and considers hanging up her keyboard.

Over in Israel, Jacob Shwirtz wonders:
To what degree do we create "online identities" and to what degree are we "putting our identity online?"

In life, we've all had experiences where, after talking to someone on the phone or via email, or after "getting to know them" via their blog, we meet them for the first time--how many times has the physical manifestation of that person been exactly what you were expecting? Hasn't it been your experience that any photo that person had sent you, literally or figuratively, just didn't seem accurate? This is sometimes expressed as "he looks nothing like his picture," or "I expected someone totally different." In either case, that person reflected through our own eyes, does not measure up or measures up differently.

How much more so is this often true in our own eyes. We catch a glimpse of ourselves in a store window, in a photograph or on videotape, and do a double-take. "That looks nothing like me..." we say. That portrait/reflection does not fit our own idea of who we are and what we look like.

It is an issue most bloggers confront at one time or another. Many of us have felt the need to post our raisons d'etre or state our manifestos clearly, so people will know who we are and why we're here. We look for people who are like us, and for people who will like us. We blog what we are about, truly, especially when protected by the Internet's relative anonymity.

I think the issue of who we are vs. who we present ourselves to be, in Friendster, on JDate, in our writing/work, or in actual live-in-person life, is a very complicated one, and begs analysis of the central issue: who determines the truth of who a person is, that person or others? How much of the "real person" is in the online representations of us?

In other words, the age-old meaning of life question: Who are we, and why are we here? And can any reflection truly reflect the totality of who we are?

HOW ONE BLOGGER GOT HIS START...

I've always been interested in what motivates people to blog. Well, seek and ye shall find.

Over at Fiddish, I found this treatise on blogging. It's a transcript of sorts from David Adesnik, a "a 2000 Rhodes Scholar and graduate student in international relations at Oxford currently residing in Cambridge, Mass" (according to Oxblog, which he co-administers with two others).
He writes:
INTERVIEWING MYSELF: A journalist researching a story on Jewish bloggers recently asked me to do an interview. Since I decided to the interview by e-mail, I actually have a record of what I wanted to say. And since only one or two quotes will make it into the final article, I figured I'd post the rest of the interview here on OxBlog. (The link above takes you to part one of the interview. Part two is posted on the July 4 page.)

I think it's an excellent review of how bloggers are born. Which leads me into my next post...stay tuned...

Monday, July 05, 2004

100TH POSTDAY PRESENT

So, guess what I got for my 100th Postday? I went over to Bloglet and got myself a subscription form.

That's right! Now the magic of kvetch can be delivered right to your inbox! You'll get an email once a day with all of my posts for that day. Feel free to still visit my page regularly, but this ensures that you won't miss anything...

I think this new subscription thing will make all of our lives easier. So go ahead and sign up. Make the kvetch come to you!

Sunday, July 04, 2004

TERRORIST MOOSE ATTACK PARADE

In what could be the first attack by a new al-Qaeda sleeper cell, two potentially killer moose invaded Brighton, Utah during the town's annual July 4 parade:

"They stopped the parade and everybody just sat and watched," said Amber Bailey, a volunteer cleaning up after breakfast. "They could kill somebody. It was amazing that they would have the guts to walk out in front of everybody."

The malfunctioning moose did not accomplish its objective, which some speculate was to take out the Mormons, but it did instead manage to terrify a few morons, who scampered away during the animal invasion.

The senior of the two moose, who answered to the name "Marty," denied that the attack was revenge for the demise of the National Lampoon's Vacation movie franchise after the first set of Clark and Ellen Griswold's kids were replaced for the sequels. He also would neither confirm nor deny that he and his compatriot were sent by al-Qaeda's Behemoth Animal Division to "strike at the heart of what America holds dear, polygamy."

President George Bush could not be reached for comment, as he was in high-level meetings with the U.S. Minister of Difficult Vocabulary, trying to understand how the word moose could be both singular and plural.

F-BOMBS, T-SHIRTS AND ORTHODOX JEWS

So, last week our Vice President told someone to go fuck himself. I use the full expletive here and not some garbled collection of symbols to signify the four-letter word, because this is the Internet, and most bloggers would agree that our medium can be less reverent, on a regular basis.

This led to much media discussion of whether to print the so-called "F-Bomb" in newspaper headlines. (Call me sheltered, but I had never heard of the term "F-Bomb" until Omarosa used it on The Apprentice to describe Heidi's language.)

In other illicit news, the Victoria's Secret store on 85th and Broadway features mannequins (paging Andrew McCarthy) that are pretty modestly dressed, especially compared to their slutty sisters in Lincoln Center. Why? Because of the burgeoning Orthodox population on the Upper West Side.

Apparently, most Upper West Side residents haven't gotten the memo. In the past two weeks, I've seen the following T-shirts on Upper West Side denizens:

Boobs not bombs.

Note: May I point out the impracticality of dropping boobs on Iraq? Would they even know what they were? Would we have to wrap them in burkas or some similar garb to shield Arab eyes from viewing immodestly unclad breasts? I guess that in this case, cloaking devices would employ actual cloaks.

Will fuck for coke.

Note: At press time, it was assumed that this T-shirt referred to the drug cocaine, and not to C2, Coca-Cola's new low-carb cola drink. If this fine publication discovers that the truth is otherwise, the editrix of said publication will inform her readers, tout de suite.

We live in troubled times.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

100th EPISODE: READY FOR SYNDICATION

In the history of a TV show, 100 episodes is considered a major milestone, as it marks the point at which that program is usually ready for syndication.

This is my 100th post, and I'm also ready to be paid gobs of money for my reruns, so if you know of anyone who's buying, let me know. By reading the My Urban Kvetch Oldies-But-Goodies, they'll find out what you already know, all the things I've done and talked about over lo, these many months:

In the early days, I provided moment-by-moment Oscars commentary. I struggled with my toilet. I attended a 50/50 party where there are supposed to be many eligible guys. I wrote the definitive Celeste in the City essay.

My alter ego, Carb Girl, bought breakfast cereal and mourned the closing of a local bagelry.

I contemplated the Name of God, Yom Hashoah (Holocaust Memorial Day) and Yom Ha'atzmaut (Israeli Independence Day).

I reminisced about an old ex-something. I decided the blogosphere needed a safe space for people to "deal" with online dating trauma, and founded JDaters Anonymous.

I spoofed Bridget Jones and her diary; I tried to stop the magazines from taking over my apartment; I reacted surprisingly well to the end of Friends.

I appealed to Kate Lee from ICM to make me famous. I mourned the passing of Angel. I sang the praises of Sixteen Candles.

And of course, I became Madonna and got pooped on.

It's been a real journey. And I did it all with you by my side, gentle readers. It was a small audience that grew, from anonymous posters into real friends. Over a thousand visits since the webcounter was installed last week.

Happy 100th Postday to My Urban Kvetch. Here's to the next 100! I hope you'll all be there with me.

Love,
Esther
The Urban Kvetch Bloggerette