TEN THINGS I AM NOT GOING TO BUY ON E-BAY OR ANYWHERE EVER

And yes, I'm aware of the supportive undergarment theme that runs through it. Don't like it, don't read it. But read it.

1. Keira Knightley's strategic-bands-of-leather costume from King Arthur. I love tefillin as much as the next Jewish woman who doesn't wear them, but I am pretty sure phylacteries are supposed to go on arm and head, not um, torso.

2. A hair removal cream called Nads. I cannot say "ick" fast enough.

3. Milla Jovovich's strategic-bands-of-white-cloth costume from The Fifth Element. Yes, I know it was designed by Jean-Paul Gauthier. I'm still not running around the present, past or future with only a piece of gauze over my breasts.

4. Licorice-flavored anything. If I could pick one flavor that would become extinct, it's this one. Yuck.

5. Penis enlargement products. The advantage to one's boyfriend being a full-on product of one's own imagination is that he doesn't need these kinds of creams, ointments or pills. He's perfect just the way he is (Love you, baby!)...

6. A water bra, or any other supportive garment that either adds circumference or projection inches, or in any way promises "exceptional cleavage." I've got enough to worry about.
    (And while we're talking bizarro brassieres, I'd like to point out that Dillard's has just introduced the bicolor bra. Allow me to describe this feat of engineering: It hooks in the front AND in the back, and has interchangeable sides. The ad shows a woman with bra halves in different colors: white, black, camelia rose--which looks like fuschia in the ad--and "butterfly green." Not that I've ever seen a green butterfly, but whatever. You tell me: was this a man's idea or a woman's?)

7. Beauty products listing "placenta" as an ingredient. (I may have to go vomit now.)

8. A John Deere tractor. The grass never grows in my studio.

9. That ab belt that slims you down through electric impulses stimulating a series of muscles in specific succession. You've gotta be kidding me...that can't possibly work. You'd have to be an idi--but that infomercial SWEARS that it works...well, maybe...NO! NO! A definite no. Moving on now.

10. One of those Hang in There kitty-in-the-tree posters. Apologies to my college roommate Lisa, who had that poster in our room sophomore year. It never bothered me then. But now, I guess the years have taught me to see the negativity behind the cheeriness of inspirational posters. (I guess I am that jaded New Yorker, after all...) The cat is just hanging there, like it's been the victim of some awful lynching or fraternity prank, helpless and hopeless, and wanting the photographer to save him. But does he? No. Just takes the picture, slaps up a three-word slogan, and makes a ton of cash off the rights. For all we know, that cat is still up there, waiting for someone to help it out of the tree and back into the life it left behind.
 
The witching hour has arrived. I must exfoliate. Luckily, I received a surprise gift from Amazon.com today. I didn't order anything; I almost didn't open it, because we are on elevated alert, and it could have been a bomb. Or a really bad book. But it was a boxful of beauty products, thanking me for being one of their best customers (which apparently means anyone who bought a book from them in the last year or two) and announcing the arrival of beauty products now available through their site. Most of it is very small sizes of top-of-the-line stuff that I'd never buy. So I'm gonna try it all! So far, I'm a fan of the Jurlique Lip Care balm, but it's not so much balmy as ointmenty. Very moisturizing, though. I'd better check the ingredients for placenta. 

TEN THINGS I AM NOT GOING TO BUY ON E-BAY OR ANYWHERE EVER

And yes, I'm aware of the supportive undergarment theme that runs through it. Don't like it, don't read it. But read it.

1. Keira Knightley's strategic-bands-of-leather costume from King Arthur. I love tefillin as much as the next Jewish woman who doesn't wear them, but I am pretty sure phylacteries are supposed to go on arm and head, not um, torso.

2. A hair removal cream called Nads. I cannot say "ick" fast enough.

3. Milla Jovovich's strategic-bands-of-white-cloth costume from The Fifth Element. Yes, I know it was designed by Jean-Paul Gauthier. I'm still not running around the present, past or future with only a piece of gauze over my breasts.

4. Licorice-flavored anything. If I could pick one flavor that would become extinct, it's this one. Yuck.

5. Penis enlargement products. The advantage to one's boyfriend being a full-on product of one's own imagination is that he doesn't need these kinds of creams, ointments or pills. He's perfect just the way he is (Love you, baby!)...

6. A water bra, or any other supportive garment that either adds circumference or projection inches, or in any way promises "exceptional cleavage." I've got enough to worry about.
    (And while we're talking bizarro brassieres, I'd like to point out that Dillard's has just introduced the bicolor bra. Allow me to describe this feat of engineering: It hooks in the front AND in the back, and has interchangeable sides. The ad shows a woman with bra halves in different colors: white, black, camelia rose--which looks like fuschia in the ad--and "butterfly green." Not that I've ever seen a green butterfly, but whatever. You tell me: was this a man's idea or a woman's?)

7. Beauty products listing "placenta" as an ingredient. (I may have to go vomit now.)

8. A John Deere tractor. The grass never grows in my studio.

9. That ab belt that slims you down through electric impulses stimulating a series of muscles in specific succession. You've gotta be kidding me...that can't possibly work. You'd have to be an idi--but that infomercial SWEARS that it works...well, maybe...NO! NO! A definite no. Moving on now.

10. One of those Hang in There kitty-in-the-tree posters. Apologies to my college roommate Lisa, who had that poster in our room sophomore year. It never bothered me then. But now, I guess the years have taught me to see the negativity behind the cheeriness of inspirational posters. (I guess I am that jaded New Yorker, after all...) The cat is just hanging there, like it's been the victim of some awful lynching or fraternity prank, helpless and hopeless, and wanting the photographer to save him. But does he? No. Just takes the picture, slaps up a three-word slogan, and makes a ton of cash off the rights. For all we know, that cat is still up there, waiting for someone to help it out of the tree and back into the life it left behind.
 
The witching hour has arrived. I must exfoliate. Luckily, I received a surprise gift from Amazon.com today. I didn't order anything; I almost didn't open it, because we are on elevated alert, and it could have been a bomb. Or a really bad book. But it was a boxful of beauty products, thanking me for being one of their best customers (which apparently means anyone who bought a book from them in the last year or two) and announcing the arrival of beauty products now available through their site. Most of it is very small sizes of top-of-the-line stuff that I'd never buy. So I'm gonna try it all! So far, I'm a fan of the Jurlique Lip Care balm, but it's not so much balmy as ointmenty. Very moisturizing, though. I'd better check the ingredients for placenta.