Tuesday, July 27, 2004

NEXT TIME, ON "KABBALIEVE IT OR NOT!"

I swear, people just send me this stuff.

Never mind that, to the best of my knowledge, there is no Kabbalah wedding. Veruca Salt, I mean Britney Spears, is having one anyway. ("But I want one, Mummy! And it's going to be the best, most expensive Kabbalah wedding EVER! And I want it NOW!!)

The article reports that the blessed event will be taking place on an "autumn weekend." I'm willing to bet that it's either September 18 (Shabbat Shuva--The Sabbath of Repentance between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur), the 19th (The Fast of Gedaliah), or Saturday September 25 (Yom Kippur).

Let's just see how Jewish a "Kabbalah wedding" is going to be.  Will the wedding include all of the traditional Jewish elements, such as:
  • Yarmulkes? (Maybe a pink satin yarmulke bra with the name of the couple and the date stamped on the inside?)
  • The traditional veiling of the bride (followed by the untraditional striptease of the bride)?
  • The smorgasbord, including a sushi buffet?
  • Horas galoras? (it's bound to include several media whore-as galoras...)
  • An elderly couple in the corner gossiping about the bridesmaids' dresses and complaining about the traffic on the way to the wedding?
  • A "first dance" between the newlyweds, with gyrating bridesmaids & groomsmen/backup dancers? (OK, so that's parting with Jewish tradition a little, but worth looking into for my eventual karaoke wedding, time, location and groom TBD)

My brain is spinning at even considering what this wedding is going to be like. I guess I'll have to sit back and wait for my invitation.

4 Comments:

At 2:44 PM, July 27, 2004, Blogger Stephen said...

Veruca Salt (the band) made much better music than Britney Spears.

 
At 2:54 PM, July 27, 2004, Blogger Michael said...

Uh, Esther, I hate to interrupt your fantasy here (because you were, like, rockin'), but I don't think it's strictly legal for Jews to marry (1) on Saturday or (b) on Yom Kippur. OK, OK, it's legal, but you'd have a hard time getting a rabbi to show, even for big money.

 
At 4:35 PM, July 27, 2004, Blogger Esther Kustanowitz said...

Michael, that was precisely my point: this is not a Jewish wedding, and "strictly legal" will bear no weight in these nuptials.

And you'd be surprised how many rabbis will perform under circumstances like these. I've been invited to my share of weddings that begin while it's still Shabbat, where the reception's nothing resembling kosher, etc...

 
At 1:59 PM, July 29, 2004, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Forget about those yarmulke bras - how about this?

 

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My Urban Kvetch: NEXT TIME, ON "KABBALIEVE IT OR NOT!"

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

NEXT TIME, ON "KABBALIEVE IT OR NOT!"

I swear, people just send me this stuff.

Never mind that, to the best of my knowledge, there is no Kabbalah wedding. Veruca Salt, I mean Britney Spears, is having one anyway. ("But I want one, Mummy! And it's going to be the best, most expensive Kabbalah wedding EVER! And I want it NOW!!)

The article reports that the blessed event will be taking place on an "autumn weekend." I'm willing to bet that it's either September 18 (Shabbat Shuva--The Sabbath of Repentance between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur), the 19th (The Fast of Gedaliah), or Saturday September 25 (Yom Kippur).

Let's just see how Jewish a "Kabbalah wedding" is going to be.  Will the wedding include all of the traditional Jewish elements, such as:
  • Yarmulkes? (Maybe a pink satin yarmulke bra with the name of the couple and the date stamped on the inside?)
  • The traditional veiling of the bride (followed by the untraditional striptease of the bride)?
  • The smorgasbord, including a sushi buffet?
  • Horas galoras? (it's bound to include several media whore-as galoras...)
  • An elderly couple in the corner gossiping about the bridesmaids' dresses and complaining about the traffic on the way to the wedding?
  • A "first dance" between the newlyweds, with gyrating bridesmaids & groomsmen/backup dancers? (OK, so that's parting with Jewish tradition a little, but worth looking into for my eventual karaoke wedding, time, location and groom TBD)

My brain is spinning at even considering what this wedding is going to be like. I guess I'll have to sit back and wait for my invitation.

4 Comments:

At 2:44 PM, July 27, 2004, Blogger Stephen said...

Veruca Salt (the band) made much better music than Britney Spears.

 
At 2:54 PM, July 27, 2004, Blogger Michael said...

Uh, Esther, I hate to interrupt your fantasy here (because you were, like, rockin'), but I don't think it's strictly legal for Jews to marry (1) on Saturday or (b) on Yom Kippur. OK, OK, it's legal, but you'd have a hard time getting a rabbi to show, even for big money.

 
At 4:35 PM, July 27, 2004, Blogger Esther Kustanowitz said...

Michael, that was precisely my point: this is not a Jewish wedding, and "strictly legal" will bear no weight in these nuptials.

And you'd be surprised how many rabbis will perform under circumstances like these. I've been invited to my share of weddings that begin while it's still Shabbat, where the reception's nothing resembling kosher, etc...

 
At 1:59 PM, July 29, 2004, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Forget about those yarmulke bras - how about this?

 

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