You know you wanna know...and that's why I present these...

Esther’s Oscar Comments

8:28 pm. The show’s about to start. I’ve suffered through the requisite uncomfortable red carpet chatter, with nominees too nervous to keep up the banter… Let’s just start the mainstage show, ok?

Peter Jackson, I have one word for you: Supercuts. It takes ten minutes, costs ten dollars and would do you a world of good. And when you get back, rustle up Michael Moore and Kevin Smith, and show them where to go.

Angelina Jolie…you are incredibly beautiful. And that dress was breathtaking. But I’m going to need you to cover those nipples next time. It’s all fun and Oscars until someone loses an eye.

8:50 pm. Finally, an award. Tim Robbins, thanking Susan during your win almost made her cry. Your love has lasted years longer than many thought. Maybe someday, New York state will pass a law enabling you to legally celebrate your partnership. Until that day, soldier on, kids…

My most bizarre Oscar crush…Ian McKellen. Yes, I know he’s gay. He’s still very handsome, and has a wonderful sense of humor. What does this mean about my dating life? Discuss amongst yourselves.

Sweetest/sappiest thing said at this year’s Oscars… Andrew Stanton, writer of Finding Nemo, said to his wife: “I wrote it to you in a note in 8th grade, and now I can say it in front of millions of people: I love you.” Couldn’t you just die?

I’ll admit it: During Nic Cage’s introduction of Master and Commander, I flipped over to Alien on FX and The Breakfast Club on WE. Look, at least I’m social. Demented and sad, but social. And by the way, I see Ally Sheedy on the street all the time. Shouldn't I introduce myself? I mean, she'll be wondering who I am, right?

OK, you all know how I feel about Renee Zellweger, that she gets roles (specifically Bridget Jones) that I should be getting. And then there’s her squinting and whispering. I can’t take it. I’m never seeing Cold Mountain. As soon as she and Nicole were cast, there went the chances of my buying a ticket. I recently saw a preview for Stepford Wives, and Nicole Kidman was so annoying that I nearly threw my Diet Coke at the screen.

Andrew J. Sacks, who just won for best live action short film…do I know him? He looks familiar. Did I date him? What’s important is that he beat William Zabka, the evil blonde boy in various 80s flicks (see The Karate Kid), and he didn’t even have to use the Crane kick...

Best song…My God, Alison Krauss and Sting are doing a great job on the Cold Mountain song. I might have to get the soundtrack, even though I will never see the movie because of the involvement of RZ and NK. Sting’s amazing, and Alison never ceases to amaze me with the clarity and uniqueness of her voice…and she looks beautiful. Tonight must be the night of the white, wedding-suitable dress. Renee, Angelina, Alison…Sandra Bullock took it one step further in her dress with a bottom that had tiers, just like a wedding cake…let the Vera Wang parade continue. (I don’t know that the dresses are Vera Wang, but I was just using it as a general term to mean “wedding-suitable dresses”…is that ok with you?)…..

But I do need to comment on Liv Tyler’s schoolmarm outfit. Glasses, ok. I’m all for Lisa Loebing it up once in a while. But together with the hair and outfit, she looks ridiculous, and even unattractive. I usually like her style, but this one disappoints me. And when your style disappoints me, the fashionista from Fair Lawn, you’re in trouble…And what is up with Annie Lennox’s voice? She must be under the weather, because her voice lacks the usual strength and resonance.

Note to Will and Jada: For those of us who are watching this home alone in our pajamas, be a little less in love with each other when you’re presenting. Your giddiness gives us hives. Or maybe that’s just me.

Jennifer Garner, the celebrity who I’d most like to look like. She hosted the scientific and technical awards show, also known as Oscars Isla Sorna: Site B, on February 14th. Then she remarked, in the manner of a spontaneous quip that we all knew was carefully scripted. “What better way for a girl to spend Valentine’s Day?” Um, Jen—how about spending it with Scott Foley? That’s what I’d pick, given the choice...

Jim Carrey is alternately reminding me of my college roommate Mike, who I saw this morning for brunch, and my friend Oren, who’s probably reading this from his three-month jaunt through Asia with his wife…I never noticed the resemblance before. OK, so that insight wasn’t so interesting. But it’s my blog and I’ll meander if I want to.

It’s official. With her bizarre head-bobbing intonation at the Oscar podium during the Katharine Hepburn retrospective, Julia Roberts is officially over. Her cackling trademark laugh and the way she cocks her chin back and jaw forward when she comes out with it, just irks me to no end. Was there ever a time when I found her relatable? No worries, they can seat her with Nicole and Renee, a table I won’t be clamoring to sit at.

Diane Keaton, where’d you park the time machine? I mean, let’s be real, you did go back in time to the Annie Hall era to pick up that outfit, didn’t you?

10:30 pm. I can’t believe this awards show is still going. We’re like, halfway through. Lord of the Rings still has like nine awards left to win. Maybe if I count more of the minutes, it will make it go faster.

10:30 pm. The O in Oprah. What does it stand for? O my God, she looks gorgeous. She’s the queen of all media, she’s richer than God, and she looks fabulous. Maybe someday, the state of Illinois will pass a law enabling her and her longtime steady Stedman to tie the knot and finally affirm their partnership. Here’s hoping, kids.

10:35 pm. Diane Lane and…John Cusack? Why didn’t my boyfriend tell me he was presenting with Diane Lane? Ooh, he’s getting a talking-to when he gets home.

10:45 pm. Random thought: Does anyone think Benicio del Toro sometimes looks like Brad Pitt? Just me, then? OK.

10:50 pm, a tribute to Gregory Peck. Great. Can we move on, now?

10:54 pm. Uh-oh. The death montage—John Ritter. Hume Cronyn. Gregory Hines. Weeping. At least they didn’t show that scene of Hume Cronyn and Jessica Tandy dancing together. That always gets me. They’re like Will and Jada, for the older generation.

10:58 pm. Sting and Phil Collins appear on stage together. For no good reason, I feel like this is a truce/reunion on a par with David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar, or Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan. But I just need to go on record with this: Sting is so hot. I actually saw him and his wife Trudie Styler eating at Ollie’s at 83rd and Broadway. They’re a really great couple. You can tell by the way they look alike. And that they’re not too good to eat somewhere I could actually go. No VIP tables there…

11:05 pm. I want to go to sleep. Hurry up. Billy, God knows I love you, but no more unscripted quipping please. We know you’re clever. We just want to know who won Best Picture so we can all go to sleep dreaming of hobbits and evil jewelry.

11:05:30 pm. Love Eugene Levy and Catherine O’Hara, performing their “Kiss at the End of the Rainbow” duet from A Mighty Wind. Interesting trivia, that this song was co-written by Michael McKean and Annette O’Toole. Yes, Annette O’Toole. And I actually looked at the screen and said to myself “is that Annette O’Toole?” and it was! Again, not terribly interesting. But the song was great. It won’t win, but it was great! Must see that movie again soon. It’s on my Netflix list, so I’ll get to it eventually…

11:15 pm. No need for the song from The Triplets of Belleville to be performed. Really.

11:16 pm. Jack Black and Will Ferrell. Now we’re talking. The lyrics to the “you’re out of time so wrap up your rambling acceptance speech” song…ok. That was a worthwhile diversion.

11:19 pm. Finally, Annie Lennox and Eminem have something else in common besides their haircuts. Best Original Song Oscars, of course…and by the way, I’ve just decided that Annie Lennox is my pick to play Julie Andrews in her biopic.

11:22 pm. Charlize Theron has a weird first name, but a beautiful dress. And it’s official: I’m never going to go to sleep because this awards show is never going to be over. There are still like seven awards left!

11:25 pm. Uma, Jude. Together, they’d be “Juma.” Or “Ude.” I need sleep.

11:31 pm. I kind of wish Sofia Coppola were more charismatic. She really has so much vision as a director and writer that I feel like she’s got lots to say, but somehow doesn’t want to say it to the same community of actors that spurned her performance in Godfather III. But as long as she’s happy.

11:32 pm. Let the nerds once again approach the podium to receive the Precious.

11:34 pm. Poor Tobey Maguire. Your movie has no chance of winning. None. In fact, give us the gift of a few more minutes of sleep, and don’t even introduce the movie. Just walk off the stage. Now. Thank you.

11:35 pm. Susan and Tim, looking fabulous, presenting original screenplay.

11:37 pm. Go Sofia, go Sofia! She’s a third-generation Oscar winner, and has like her entire family there. That’s pretty cool. But I wonder if her genius, and the genius of the whole family is not so much inherited, but given a chance to develop because of the previous generation’s work in paving roads, making headway in an industry, and then giving the next generation the opportunities and on-set training that they need to be successful. Certainly the success of the previous generation sets the bar higher for achievement, but still...

11:40 pm. I love that Amex commercial with Martin Scorcese where he’s criticizing his photos of his nephew’s birthday party. That’s good stuff.

11:43 pm. Tom Cruise looks so cute. I love the wattage of his supergleamy smile. I often wonder what toothpaste he uses, and how he gets his five o’clock shadow so perfect. I know: teams of beauty consultants. (Note to self: investigate costs for team of beauty consultants, and if tax-deductible for freelancers.)

11:50 pm. Although I generally tend to dislike tall willowy blondes, mostly because I will never be one, I have always liked Charlize Theron. For me, her breakthrough performance was Devil’s Advocate. Haven’t seen it? Worth a rental. Her descent into madness was heartbreaking, and I knew there’d be an Oscar in her future. So watching her effervescent acceptance speech, as she was clearly overflowing with joy and love for what she does and who surrounds her, I was myself happy for her, despite her blondeness.

11:58 pm. Will we manage the last two awards before midnight? Not bloody likely!

12:02 pm. Sean Penn decks a photographer. Oops. I meant, Sean Penn marries Madonna. Another oops. Sorry, it won’t happen again. What I really meant was, Sean Penn wins Oscar. He was really amazing in this movie, which was its own kind of disturbing and difficult. But I’m glad he won. Bill Murray was amazing, though, and it would’ve been nice to see someone win for a comedy. But there’s still this feeling that comedies, and comic actors, don’t win Oscars. As much as I complain about the length of this show, in some ways, I really think that there should be separate categories for Drama and Comedy, the way there is at the Golden Globe.

12:07 pm. More nachas for Peter Jackson. A clean sweep for LOTR: ROTK, tying with Titanic and Ben-Hur for the most awards. The Academy does love itself an epic, that’s for sure. OK, wrap it up, kids.

12:15 pm. In absentia fabulous Oscar parties for me to attend, it’s time for bed. I’m donning my finest flannel and hoping my alarm will wake me in the morning. And all the while, I’ll dream of my Oscar, wherever he may be, for Best Actress in a Supporting Role in a Musical or Comedy (a category that doesn’t yet exist). Because let’s face it. I’m no leading actress. We’re talking wacky best friend roles from now until the messianic era…or perhaps, if Billy feels like sharing the stage, a hosting gig. But for now, sweet dreams, America, and may the Precious be with you.

You know you wanna know...and that's why I present these...

Esther’s Oscar Comments

8:28 pm. The show’s about to start. I’ve suffered through the requisite uncomfortable red carpet chatter, with nominees too nervous to keep up the banter… Let’s just start the mainstage show, ok?

Peter Jackson, I have one word for you: Supercuts. It takes ten minutes, costs ten dollars and would do you a world of good. And when you get back, rustle up Michael Moore and Kevin Smith, and show them where to go.

Angelina Jolie…you are incredibly beautiful. And that dress was breathtaking. But I’m going to need you to cover those nipples next time. It’s all fun and Oscars until someone loses an eye.

8:50 pm. Finally, an award. Tim Robbins, thanking Susan during your win almost made her cry. Your love has lasted years longer than many thought. Maybe someday, New York state will pass a law enabling you to legally celebrate your partnership. Until that day, soldier on, kids…

My most bizarre Oscar crush…Ian McKellen. Yes, I know he’s gay. He’s still very handsome, and has a wonderful sense of humor. What does this mean about my dating life? Discuss amongst yourselves.

Sweetest/sappiest thing said at this year’s Oscars… Andrew Stanton, writer of Finding Nemo, said to his wife: “I wrote it to you in a note in 8th grade, and now I can say it in front of millions of people: I love you.” Couldn’t you just die?

I’ll admit it: During Nic Cage’s introduction of Master and Commander, I flipped over to Alien on FX and The Breakfast Club on WE. Look, at least I’m social. Demented and sad, but social. And by the way, I see Ally Sheedy on the street all the time. Shouldn't I introduce myself? I mean, she'll be wondering who I am, right?

OK, you all know how I feel about Renee Zellweger, that she gets roles (specifically Bridget Jones) that I should be getting. And then there’s her squinting and whispering. I can’t take it. I’m never seeing Cold Mountain. As soon as she and Nicole were cast, there went the chances of my buying a ticket. I recently saw a preview for Stepford Wives, and Nicole Kidman was so annoying that I nearly threw my Diet Coke at the screen.

Andrew J. Sacks, who just won for best live action short film…do I know him? He looks familiar. Did I date him? What’s important is that he beat William Zabka, the evil blonde boy in various 80s flicks (see The Karate Kid), and he didn’t even have to use the Crane kick...

Best song…My God, Alison Krauss and Sting are doing a great job on the Cold Mountain song. I might have to get the soundtrack, even though I will never see the movie because of the involvement of RZ and NK. Sting’s amazing, and Alison never ceases to amaze me with the clarity and uniqueness of her voice…and she looks beautiful. Tonight must be the night of the white, wedding-suitable dress. Renee, Angelina, Alison…Sandra Bullock took it one step further in her dress with a bottom that had tiers, just like a wedding cake…let the Vera Wang parade continue. (I don’t know that the dresses are Vera Wang, but I was just using it as a general term to mean “wedding-suitable dresses”…is that ok with you?)…..

But I do need to comment on Liv Tyler’s schoolmarm outfit. Glasses, ok. I’m all for Lisa Loebing it up once in a while. But together with the hair and outfit, she looks ridiculous, and even unattractive. I usually like her style, but this one disappoints me. And when your style disappoints me, the fashionista from Fair Lawn, you’re in trouble…And what is up with Annie Lennox’s voice? She must be under the weather, because her voice lacks the usual strength and resonance.

Note to Will and Jada: For those of us who are watching this home alone in our pajamas, be a little less in love with each other when you’re presenting. Your giddiness gives us hives. Or maybe that’s just me.

Jennifer Garner, the celebrity who I’d most like to look like. She hosted the scientific and technical awards show, also known as Oscars Isla Sorna: Site B, on February 14th. Then she remarked, in the manner of a spontaneous quip that we all knew was carefully scripted. “What better way for a girl to spend Valentine’s Day?” Um, Jen—how about spending it with Scott Foley? That’s what I’d pick, given the choice...

Jim Carrey is alternately reminding me of my college roommate Mike, who I saw this morning for brunch, and my friend Oren, who’s probably reading this from his three-month jaunt through Asia with his wife…I never noticed the resemblance before. OK, so that insight wasn’t so interesting. But it’s my blog and I’ll meander if I want to.

It’s official. With her bizarre head-bobbing intonation at the Oscar podium during the Katharine Hepburn retrospective, Julia Roberts is officially over. Her cackling trademark laugh and the way she cocks her chin back and jaw forward when she comes out with it, just irks me to no end. Was there ever a time when I found her relatable? No worries, they can seat her with Nicole and Renee, a table I won’t be clamoring to sit at.

Diane Keaton, where’d you park the time machine? I mean, let’s be real, you did go back in time to the Annie Hall era to pick up that outfit, didn’t you?

10:30 pm. I can’t believe this awards show is still going. We’re like, halfway through. Lord of the Rings still has like nine awards left to win. Maybe if I count more of the minutes, it will make it go faster.

10:30 pm. The O in Oprah. What does it stand for? O my God, she looks gorgeous. She’s the queen of all media, she’s richer than God, and she looks fabulous. Maybe someday, the state of Illinois will pass a law enabling her and her longtime steady Stedman to tie the knot and finally affirm their partnership. Here’s hoping, kids.

10:35 pm. Diane Lane and…John Cusack? Why didn’t my boyfriend tell me he was presenting with Diane Lane? Ooh, he’s getting a talking-to when he gets home.

10:45 pm. Random thought: Does anyone think Benicio del Toro sometimes looks like Brad Pitt? Just me, then? OK.

10:50 pm, a tribute to Gregory Peck. Great. Can we move on, now?

10:54 pm. Uh-oh. The death montage—John Ritter. Hume Cronyn. Gregory Hines. Weeping. At least they didn’t show that scene of Hume Cronyn and Jessica Tandy dancing together. That always gets me. They’re like Will and Jada, for the older generation.

10:58 pm. Sting and Phil Collins appear on stage together. For no good reason, I feel like this is a truce/reunion on a par with David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar, or Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan. But I just need to go on record with this: Sting is so hot. I actually saw him and his wife Trudie Styler eating at Ollie’s at 83rd and Broadway. They’re a really great couple. You can tell by the way they look alike. And that they’re not too good to eat somewhere I could actually go. No VIP tables there…

11:05 pm. I want to go to sleep. Hurry up. Billy, God knows I love you, but no more unscripted quipping please. We know you’re clever. We just want to know who won Best Picture so we can all go to sleep dreaming of hobbits and evil jewelry.

11:05:30 pm. Love Eugene Levy and Catherine O’Hara, performing their “Kiss at the End of the Rainbow” duet from A Mighty Wind. Interesting trivia, that this song was co-written by Michael McKean and Annette O’Toole. Yes, Annette O’Toole. And I actually looked at the screen and said to myself “is that Annette O’Toole?” and it was! Again, not terribly interesting. But the song was great. It won’t win, but it was great! Must see that movie again soon. It’s on my Netflix list, so I’ll get to it eventually…

11:15 pm. No need for the song from The Triplets of Belleville to be performed. Really.

11:16 pm. Jack Black and Will Ferrell. Now we’re talking. The lyrics to the “you’re out of time so wrap up your rambling acceptance speech” song…ok. That was a worthwhile diversion.

11:19 pm. Finally, Annie Lennox and Eminem have something else in common besides their haircuts. Best Original Song Oscars, of course…and by the way, I’ve just decided that Annie Lennox is my pick to play Julie Andrews in her biopic.

11:22 pm. Charlize Theron has a weird first name, but a beautiful dress. And it’s official: I’m never going to go to sleep because this awards show is never going to be over. There are still like seven awards left!

11:25 pm. Uma, Jude. Together, they’d be “Juma.” Or “Ude.” I need sleep.

11:31 pm. I kind of wish Sofia Coppola were more charismatic. She really has so much vision as a director and writer that I feel like she’s got lots to say, but somehow doesn’t want to say it to the same community of actors that spurned her performance in Godfather III. But as long as she’s happy.

11:32 pm. Let the nerds once again approach the podium to receive the Precious.

11:34 pm. Poor Tobey Maguire. Your movie has no chance of winning. None. In fact, give us the gift of a few more minutes of sleep, and don’t even introduce the movie. Just walk off the stage. Now. Thank you.

11:35 pm. Susan and Tim, looking fabulous, presenting original screenplay.

11:37 pm. Go Sofia, go Sofia! She’s a third-generation Oscar winner, and has like her entire family there. That’s pretty cool. But I wonder if her genius, and the genius of the whole family is not so much inherited, but given a chance to develop because of the previous generation’s work in paving roads, making headway in an industry, and then giving the next generation the opportunities and on-set training that they need to be successful. Certainly the success of the previous generation sets the bar higher for achievement, but still...

11:40 pm. I love that Amex commercial with Martin Scorcese where he’s criticizing his photos of his nephew’s birthday party. That’s good stuff.

11:43 pm. Tom Cruise looks so cute. I love the wattage of his supergleamy smile. I often wonder what toothpaste he uses, and how he gets his five o’clock shadow so perfect. I know: teams of beauty consultants. (Note to self: investigate costs for team of beauty consultants, and if tax-deductible for freelancers.)

11:50 pm. Although I generally tend to dislike tall willowy blondes, mostly because I will never be one, I have always liked Charlize Theron. For me, her breakthrough performance was Devil’s Advocate. Haven’t seen it? Worth a rental. Her descent into madness was heartbreaking, and I knew there’d be an Oscar in her future. So watching her effervescent acceptance speech, as she was clearly overflowing with joy and love for what she does and who surrounds her, I was myself happy for her, despite her blondeness.

11:58 pm. Will we manage the last two awards before midnight? Not bloody likely!

12:02 pm. Sean Penn decks a photographer. Oops. I meant, Sean Penn marries Madonna. Another oops. Sorry, it won’t happen again. What I really meant was, Sean Penn wins Oscar. He was really amazing in this movie, which was its own kind of disturbing and difficult. But I’m glad he won. Bill Murray was amazing, though, and it would’ve been nice to see someone win for a comedy. But there’s still this feeling that comedies, and comic actors, don’t win Oscars. As much as I complain about the length of this show, in some ways, I really think that there should be separate categories for Drama and Comedy, the way there is at the Golden Globe.

12:07 pm. More nachas for Peter Jackson. A clean sweep for LOTR: ROTK, tying with Titanic and Ben-Hur for the most awards. The Academy does love itself an epic, that’s for sure. OK, wrap it up, kids.

12:15 pm. In absentia fabulous Oscar parties for me to attend, it’s time for bed. I’m donning my finest flannel and hoping my alarm will wake me in the morning. And all the while, I’ll dream of my Oscar, wherever he may be, for Best Actress in a Supporting Role in a Musical or Comedy (a category that doesn’t yet exist). Because let’s face it. I’m no leading actress. We’re talking wacky best friend roles from now until the messianic era…or perhaps, if Billy feels like sharing the stage, a hosting gig. But for now, sweet dreams, America, and may the Precious be with you.