THE DEFINITIVE EMMYS RECAP

The commentary of this play-by-play isn't as snarky as my Oscars recap, but I'll give it a shot. (Decreased snarkiness due to disappointment that Six Feet Under and Angel were not nominated.)

Garry Shandling's opening monologue...I'm just not feelin' it. This does not bode well for the evening.

Thank God. Big and Carrie are back together on stage. Chris Noth proposes to SJP. She's shocked. There's an awkward moment as SJP says, "um, no." The first weird moment.

First award: Surprise! David Hyde Pierce. 11th consecutive nomination. Amazing.

Michael Imperioli, fine. Whatever. I would much prefer a separate Emmys show for comedy, because at this point, that's my central interest.

Ooh, finally, someone exciting. An exceedingly hot guy in the Excedrin Tension Headache commercial. You know, he was so cute that I really believed that he had a tension headache, and was glad it's now gone.

Mean Boys: Trump and Cowell, perfect together, introducing the nominees for best supporting actress in a comedy. Cynthia Nixon wins, and shares it with her three costars. And she damn well should. There is no one woman who made that show what it was, and she knows that. I would have liked to have heard her thank Cindy Chupack, but that's just because I met and interviewed her, and I'm always looking to get one step closer to the Emmys. And BTW, Cynthia, LOVE your haircolor.

Best Writing in a Comedy Series, awesome intro of the writers in funny writing situations. Mitchell Hurwitz is dropped into the scene on suspension cables. MPK (Michael Patrick King) transcribes the conversation of two thirtysomethings. Scrubs scribes on the back of a motorcycle (Mannequin style) riding off against a musical background of Starship's "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now." Would have liked to have seen SATC scribes win, but am happy for the underdog of "Arrested Development."

Thanks to new Emmy winner Drea DeMatteo, I have a new life credo: "Puke, choke, cry or die." Bound to become a state motto, along the lines of "Live Free or Die."

"Wife Swap! The original! Coming only to ABC." Easy, fellas. I wouldn't be so proud of that if I were you. (Now's as good a time as any to repeat my idea for a new original reality program: presidential candidates live in a house together for the last two months before election day, and are forced to compete in standup comedy competitions, vocal contests, death-defying stunts and political discussions. Celebrity panel of judges should include Simon Cowell, Jay Mohr, Al Gore, and Joe Rogan. Special guest star Carson Kressly from Queer Eye will take the winner on a shopping spree and give them a total wardrobe makeover. We could call it "Last American Candidate Standing and Looking Fabulous." If neither candidate wins, Donald Trump becomes President.)

Geoffrey Wright just totally ignored the "wrap it up" warning music in favor of continuing through a political speech about AIDS ravaging Africa. I support his right to use his win-time for whatever he wants, but I also think he should be held to the same time limits as everyone else. Future Emmy winners should be warned: choose to thank everyone you know, or choose to advance a political cause. Just an opinion.

Jon Stewart and his gang of merry men and women (oops, that's womAN) on the Presidential election. "My evidence be syphillis," indeed. Elaine Stritch is so ridiculously high energy--she's STILL HERE!! "I'm not moving from here unless someone comes to get me..."

Howard Dean names names of Daily Show writers. I cheer for Rob Kutner. I also cheer a little for my friend Jody's friends, the Stangel brothers on the writing staff of Letterman, but my cheers for Rob and company prevail! The boys rush the podium, and Jon accepts on their behalf. I'm happy for them, fa shizzle. But I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Jon. Dude. You need to hire a woman. I'm not saying we need to move cartloads of tampons and potpourri into the bathrooms, but at least one woman! (Act now, Jon--we witty women won't be on the market forever...it would be prudent to snap us up before some Jewish organization hires us to write marketing brochures for them and my--I mean, our--comic genius is lost forever to the much-less-fun non-profit world...)

Goodbyes suck. But I'm not sure we need a retrospective of every beloved TV show to shuffle off its mortal coil. I mean, are we really still broken up about Family Ties? Stick to this year's departures, doesn't that jerk enough tears for ya?

Am adding Angels in America to my Netflix list right now...Mary-Louise Parker looks gorgeous (that dress!), and she's incredibly talented.

"The Gap Low Rise Jean. How do you wear it?" At $50 bucks a pair, I don't. Plus, if I wore clothes like SJP did in this video, people would commit me to an institution for not buttoning my shirt right, and wearing my bra on the outside of my clothing.

The Daily Show wins again! The producers approach the stage, and it is revealed to me that Kahane Corn's a woman! Forget my pleas to Jon, I'm going to send future appeals to Ms. Corn: "Dear soul sister, Embrace equal opportunity and lobby for the success of the sisterhood of writers and writers-to-be." I won't be heavy handed about it; I'll just make the suggestion and I'm sure she'll do the right thing.

How cool, and appropo to the reality television genre, that they just plucked two contest winners from obscurity and put them on stage to announce the nominees for the best reality TV show...

Angels, angels, angels. One thing I've learned, they're in America.

Garry, honey, your Emmys show is losing me. Ahh. Alison Janney. We're back. In lime green. She invited the other nominees up there, too, even though Mariska Hargitay is the only other nom who matches. Luckily, she's the only one who went up there.

SJP, newly a brunette, looks just like my friend and Jewish Week Singles columnist predecessor Susan Josephs. Despite SJP's annoying Gap commercial (see above about asymmetrical buttons etc), I'm glad she won--a very enthusiastic and touching acceptance. Take that, Jennifer Aniston.

Oh, the death montage. Hate it. Makes me cry. Except not this year, for some reason. Good thing Kelsey Grammer got in that John Ritter reference, that at least made my eyes water a little.

And I do adore Meryl Streep: "There are times when even I myself think I am overrated." Wait for it. "But not today." And I love that she sang along with the "wrap-it-up" music. And that she played "The Rabbi" in addition to her other multiple roles in Angels in America. I so friggin' need to see this movie. A movie with a message.

ELLEN!! ELLEN!! LOOK AT ME, ELLEN!! Give me an Emmy! What? Arrested Development? Oh, all right.

Best Drama: Fuggedaboutit. Da Sopranos.

All in all, a mediocre show. Some lovely dresses, but it lacked what TNT would call "the drama of Charmed...which comes from the family dynamic. These are women, and they are butt-kickin'." Which reminds me, I missed the drama of Charmed tonight. Dangnabit.

Now, everyone in L.A. goes to party. I go to sleep. 'Night, mother.

THE DEFINITIVE EMMYS RECAP

The commentary of this play-by-play isn't as snarky as my Oscars recap, but I'll give it a shot. (Decreased snarkiness due to disappointment that Six Feet Under and Angel were not nominated.)

Garry Shandling's opening monologue...I'm just not feelin' it. This does not bode well for the evening.

Thank God. Big and Carrie are back together on stage. Chris Noth proposes to SJP. She's shocked. There's an awkward moment as SJP says, "um, no." The first weird moment.

First award: Surprise! David Hyde Pierce. 11th consecutive nomination. Amazing.

Michael Imperioli, fine. Whatever. I would much prefer a separate Emmys show for comedy, because at this point, that's my central interest.

Ooh, finally, someone exciting. An exceedingly hot guy in the Excedrin Tension Headache commercial. You know, he was so cute that I really believed that he had a tension headache, and was glad it's now gone.

Mean Boys: Trump and Cowell, perfect together, introducing the nominees for best supporting actress in a comedy. Cynthia Nixon wins, and shares it with her three costars. And she damn well should. There is no one woman who made that show what it was, and she knows that. I would have liked to have heard her thank Cindy Chupack, but that's just because I met and interviewed her, and I'm always looking to get one step closer to the Emmys. And BTW, Cynthia, LOVE your haircolor.

Best Writing in a Comedy Series, awesome intro of the writers in funny writing situations. Mitchell Hurwitz is dropped into the scene on suspension cables. MPK (Michael Patrick King) transcribes the conversation of two thirtysomethings. Scrubs scribes on the back of a motorcycle (Mannequin style) riding off against a musical background of Starship's "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now." Would have liked to have seen SATC scribes win, but am happy for the underdog of "Arrested Development."

Thanks to new Emmy winner Drea DeMatteo, I have a new life credo: "Puke, choke, cry or die." Bound to become a state motto, along the lines of "Live Free or Die."

"Wife Swap! The original! Coming only to ABC." Easy, fellas. I wouldn't be so proud of that if I were you. (Now's as good a time as any to repeat my idea for a new original reality program: presidential candidates live in a house together for the last two months before election day, and are forced to compete in standup comedy competitions, vocal contests, death-defying stunts and political discussions. Celebrity panel of judges should include Simon Cowell, Jay Mohr, Al Gore, and Joe Rogan. Special guest star Carson Kressly from Queer Eye will take the winner on a shopping spree and give them a total wardrobe makeover. We could call it "Last American Candidate Standing and Looking Fabulous." If neither candidate wins, Donald Trump becomes President.)

Geoffrey Wright just totally ignored the "wrap it up" warning music in favor of continuing through a political speech about AIDS ravaging Africa. I support his right to use his win-time for whatever he wants, but I also think he should be held to the same time limits as everyone else. Future Emmy winners should be warned: choose to thank everyone you know, or choose to advance a political cause. Just an opinion.

Jon Stewart and his gang of merry men and women (oops, that's womAN) on the Presidential election. "My evidence be syphillis," indeed. Elaine Stritch is so ridiculously high energy--she's STILL HERE!! "I'm not moving from here unless someone comes to get me..."

Howard Dean names names of Daily Show writers. I cheer for Rob Kutner. I also cheer a little for my friend Jody's friends, the Stangel brothers on the writing staff of Letterman, but my cheers for Rob and company prevail! The boys rush the podium, and Jon accepts on their behalf. I'm happy for them, fa shizzle. But I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Jon. Dude. You need to hire a woman. I'm not saying we need to move cartloads of tampons and potpourri into the bathrooms, but at least one woman! (Act now, Jon--we witty women won't be on the market forever...it would be prudent to snap us up before some Jewish organization hires us to write marketing brochures for them and my--I mean, our--comic genius is lost forever to the much-less-fun non-profit world...)

Goodbyes suck. But I'm not sure we need a retrospective of every beloved TV show to shuffle off its mortal coil. I mean, are we really still broken up about Family Ties? Stick to this year's departures, doesn't that jerk enough tears for ya?

Am adding Angels in America to my Netflix list right now...Mary-Louise Parker looks gorgeous (that dress!), and she's incredibly talented.

"The Gap Low Rise Jean. How do you wear it?" At $50 bucks a pair, I don't. Plus, if I wore clothes like SJP did in this video, people would commit me to an institution for not buttoning my shirt right, and wearing my bra on the outside of my clothing.

The Daily Show wins again! The producers approach the stage, and it is revealed to me that Kahane Corn's a woman! Forget my pleas to Jon, I'm going to send future appeals to Ms. Corn: "Dear soul sister, Embrace equal opportunity and lobby for the success of the sisterhood of writers and writers-to-be." I won't be heavy handed about it; I'll just make the suggestion and I'm sure she'll do the right thing.

How cool, and appropo to the reality television genre, that they just plucked two contest winners from obscurity and put them on stage to announce the nominees for the best reality TV show...

Angels, angels, angels. One thing I've learned, they're in America.

Garry, honey, your Emmys show is losing me. Ahh. Alison Janney. We're back. In lime green. She invited the other nominees up there, too, even though Mariska Hargitay is the only other nom who matches. Luckily, she's the only one who went up there.

SJP, newly a brunette, looks just like my friend and Jewish Week Singles columnist predecessor Susan Josephs. Despite SJP's annoying Gap commercial (see above about asymmetrical buttons etc), I'm glad she won--a very enthusiastic and touching acceptance. Take that, Jennifer Aniston.

Oh, the death montage. Hate it. Makes me cry. Except not this year, for some reason. Good thing Kelsey Grammer got in that John Ritter reference, that at least made my eyes water a little.

And I do adore Meryl Streep: "There are times when even I myself think I am overrated." Wait for it. "But not today." And I love that she sang along with the "wrap-it-up" music. And that she played "The Rabbi" in addition to her other multiple roles in Angels in America. I so friggin' need to see this movie. A movie with a message.

ELLEN!! ELLEN!! LOOK AT ME, ELLEN!! Give me an Emmy! What? Arrested Development? Oh, all right.

Best Drama: Fuggedaboutit. Da Sopranos.

All in all, a mediocre show. Some lovely dresses, but it lacked what TNT would call "the drama of Charmed...which comes from the family dynamic. These are women, and they are butt-kickin'." Which reminds me, I missed the drama of Charmed tonight. Dangnabit.

Now, everyone in L.A. goes to party. I go to sleep. 'Night, mother.