LAW & ORDER: RANDOM CAMEOS GONE WILD

I'm very fond of "gone wild." I think I shall use it often.

Last night was Random Cameo Night on Law & Order. Kevin Smith shows up as “Guy Who Moves Boxes in Warehouse,” and Darrell Hammond portrayed “Smarmy Kiddie Porn Guy.” I’m pretty sure they were both on SVU, but Kevin Smith might have been on the original.

So many actors have cycled in and out of L&O franchises over the years. I keep waiting for the time when I flip on USA or (the Drama of) TNT and find that unbeknownst to the apparently somnambulant me, I too have been on a L&O episode.

What was my role? It probably went something like this.

ESTHER'S CAMEO ON LAW AND ORDER, TAKE ONE

AUDIO: GUNK GUNK [the trademark L&O sound]

GRAPHIC: Upper West Side, 4:45 pm

STABLER: [Knocking at the door] Open up, ma’am, police.

ESTHER: Police? What’s going on?

BENSON: We’re investigating a serious crime. Have you seen anything unusual?

ESTHER: Not really.

STABLER: Did you hear anything out of the ordinary?

ESTHER: No.

BENSON: What about David Greenberg, from down the hall, did you know him?

ESTHER: We said hi a few times. He was cute, but nothing came of it. Sorry I can’t help.

STABLER: Thank you.

[Boooorrring. “Get me rewrite!”]

ESTHER'S CAMEO ON LAW AND ORDER, TAKE TWO

AUDIO: GUNK GUNK [the trademark L&O sound]

GRAPHIC: Upper West Side, 4:45 pm

STABLER: [Knocking at the door] Open up, ma’am, police.

ESTHER: I’ll open up, just don’t call me ma’am. I’m not old enough to be a ma’am. Police? What’s going on?

BENSON: We’re investigating a serious crime. Have you seen anything unusual?

ESTHER: Not really. Oh wait, the sign over Deli Kasbah’s a little strange.

STABLER: Deli Kasbah…is that Moroccan?

ESTHER: It’s Messianic, I think. [a beat] Deli Kasbah’s around the corner. It’s a kosher restaurant, and they show videos of the Lubavitcher Rebbe while you eat your pastrami burger.

BENSON: That is unusual. We should investigate it.

ESTHER: You think that’s strange, the sign over the restaurant’s in French, and promises diners an “advance taste of Messianic meat.”

BENSON: Sounds like a homicidal threat.

ESTHER: And they quote from Psalms: “And bulls shall be offered.”

STABLER: So they’re religious fanatics, too. I’m calling for backup.

ESTHER: No need. I was joking. Sigh. I forgot that you cops aren’t big on sense of humor.

STABLER: That’s right. We’re serious. Belzer’s the comic relief. Did you hear anything out of the ordinary?

ESTHER: I guess you don’t mean that my downstairs neighbor-slash-wannabe rock star has switched to a more powerful amplification system? Then that would be a no.

BENSON: What about David Greenberg, from down the hall, did you know him?

ESTHER: Which David Greenberg? There are two on this floor, and three more on 5, 9 and 12. This is the Upper West Side: you can’t fling a Metrocard without hitting a David Greenberg.

STABLER: This particular David Greenberg is about my height and build. [He flexes his biceps, and pivots to give her a good look.]

ESTHER: [Stares longingly at Detective Stabler.]

BENSON: Ms. Kanstandovits? Do you know the Greenberg we mean?

ESTHER: Sorry, I was [pauses] distracted. Yeah, I knew David. We said hi a few times. He was cute, but nothing came of it. He’s real shy, and kept to himself most of the time. I used to see his mail…tons of internet magazines. I think he was some sort of programming genius. Is he in some kind of trouble?

BENSON: You could say that. He’s been harassing Jewish women all over town via a popular Internet dating service.

STABLER: His profile name is “KingofJDate,” ever hear of him?

ESTHER: Oh please, as if I’d click on anyone whose profile name proclaimed him a monarch of a kingdom no one wants to be in to begin with…

BENSON: That’s a no, then?

ESTHER: Well, I’ve never clicked on him. But I know people who have clicked on that name. He kept sending them instant messages that had no discernible purpose or content. That was David Greenberg? His picture looks nothing like the David Greenberg I knew. Just goes to prove the old saying, “Cute in real life, freak on the internet.”

STABLER: I’m not familiar with that one.

ESTHER: [smitten] I know you’re not, Detective. But believe me, it’s true.

BENSON: Can you provide us with contact information for the women who have been harassed?

ESTHER: I can give you a few names. But what you should really do is ask the company to provide you with their records. I guarantee that this is a much more widespread problem than just the handful of people I’m aware of.

STABLER: [to Benson] I still think we should check out that potential Moroccan terrorist cell.

ESTHER: Terrorist cell? Oh, you mean Deli Kasbah. They’re totally legit. A little weird, sure, but that doesn’t make them terrorists.

STABLER: Fair enough. Maybe I’ll pick up a sandwich instead.

BENSON: Thank you, ma’am. You’ve been very helpful.

ESTHER: [glares] I told you, don’t ma’am me. We’re the same age. But I have a question for you? Is this really today’s top priority for SVU?

STABLER: Oh, we’re not SVU anymore.

BENSON: We’re heading up the newest division of the NYPD. A special Jewish unit.

COMMERCIAL BREAK: PROMO FOR NEW SERIES

V.O.—This season, join Detectives Stabler and Benson for the greatest challenge of their careers.

They battle interdenominational sniping, break up rumbles at Jewish singles events, and sniff out the copepods in tap water, as members of New York’s newest elite fighting squad.

LAW & ORDER: Special Jewish Unit. Coming soon to NBC.

Then to USA. Then to TNT.

GRAPHIC:
LAW & ORDER: SJU.

AUDIO:
[GUNK, GUNK.]

LAW & ORDER: RANDOM CAMEOS GONE WILD

I'm very fond of "gone wild." I think I shall use it often.

Last night was Random Cameo Night on Law & Order. Kevin Smith shows up as “Guy Who Moves Boxes in Warehouse,” and Darrell Hammond portrayed “Smarmy Kiddie Porn Guy.” I’m pretty sure they were both on SVU, but Kevin Smith might have been on the original.

So many actors have cycled in and out of L&O franchises over the years. I keep waiting for the time when I flip on USA or (the Drama of) TNT and find that unbeknownst to the apparently somnambulant me, I too have been on a L&O episode.

What was my role? It probably went something like this.

ESTHER'S CAMEO ON LAW AND ORDER, TAKE ONE

AUDIO: GUNK GUNK [the trademark L&O sound]

GRAPHIC: Upper West Side, 4:45 pm

STABLER: [Knocking at the door] Open up, ma’am, police.

ESTHER: Police? What’s going on?

BENSON: We’re investigating a serious crime. Have you seen anything unusual?

ESTHER: Not really.

STABLER: Did you hear anything out of the ordinary?

ESTHER: No.

BENSON: What about David Greenberg, from down the hall, did you know him?

ESTHER: We said hi a few times. He was cute, but nothing came of it. Sorry I can’t help.

STABLER: Thank you.

[Boooorrring. “Get me rewrite!”]

ESTHER'S CAMEO ON LAW AND ORDER, TAKE TWO

AUDIO: GUNK GUNK [the trademark L&O sound]

GRAPHIC: Upper West Side, 4:45 pm

STABLER: [Knocking at the door] Open up, ma’am, police.

ESTHER: I’ll open up, just don’t call me ma’am. I’m not old enough to be a ma’am. Police? What’s going on?

BENSON: We’re investigating a serious crime. Have you seen anything unusual?

ESTHER: Not really. Oh wait, the sign over Deli Kasbah’s a little strange.

STABLER: Deli Kasbah…is that Moroccan?

ESTHER: It’s Messianic, I think. [a beat] Deli Kasbah’s around the corner. It’s a kosher restaurant, and they show videos of the Lubavitcher Rebbe while you eat your pastrami burger.

BENSON: That is unusual. We should investigate it.

ESTHER: You think that’s strange, the sign over the restaurant’s in French, and promises diners an “advance taste of Messianic meat.”

BENSON: Sounds like a homicidal threat.

ESTHER: And they quote from Psalms: “And bulls shall be offered.”

STABLER: So they’re religious fanatics, too. I’m calling for backup.

ESTHER: No need. I was joking. Sigh. I forgot that you cops aren’t big on sense of humor.

STABLER: That’s right. We’re serious. Belzer’s the comic relief. Did you hear anything out of the ordinary?

ESTHER: I guess you don’t mean that my downstairs neighbor-slash-wannabe rock star has switched to a more powerful amplification system? Then that would be a no.

BENSON: What about David Greenberg, from down the hall, did you know him?

ESTHER: Which David Greenberg? There are two on this floor, and three more on 5, 9 and 12. This is the Upper West Side: you can’t fling a Metrocard without hitting a David Greenberg.

STABLER: This particular David Greenberg is about my height and build. [He flexes his biceps, and pivots to give her a good look.]

ESTHER: [Stares longingly at Detective Stabler.]

BENSON: Ms. Kanstandovits? Do you know the Greenberg we mean?

ESTHER: Sorry, I was [pauses] distracted. Yeah, I knew David. We said hi a few times. He was cute, but nothing came of it. He’s real shy, and kept to himself most of the time. I used to see his mail…tons of internet magazines. I think he was some sort of programming genius. Is he in some kind of trouble?

BENSON: You could say that. He’s been harassing Jewish women all over town via a popular Internet dating service.

STABLER: His profile name is “KingofJDate,” ever hear of him?

ESTHER: Oh please, as if I’d click on anyone whose profile name proclaimed him a monarch of a kingdom no one wants to be in to begin with…

BENSON: That’s a no, then?

ESTHER: Well, I’ve never clicked on him. But I know people who have clicked on that name. He kept sending them instant messages that had no discernible purpose or content. That was David Greenberg? His picture looks nothing like the David Greenberg I knew. Just goes to prove the old saying, “Cute in real life, freak on the internet.”

STABLER: I’m not familiar with that one.

ESTHER: [smitten] I know you’re not, Detective. But believe me, it’s true.

BENSON: Can you provide us with contact information for the women who have been harassed?

ESTHER: I can give you a few names. But what you should really do is ask the company to provide you with their records. I guarantee that this is a much more widespread problem than just the handful of people I’m aware of.

STABLER: [to Benson] I still think we should check out that potential Moroccan terrorist cell.

ESTHER: Terrorist cell? Oh, you mean Deli Kasbah. They’re totally legit. A little weird, sure, but that doesn’t make them terrorists.

STABLER: Fair enough. Maybe I’ll pick up a sandwich instead.

BENSON: Thank you, ma’am. You’ve been very helpful.

ESTHER: [glares] I told you, don’t ma’am me. We’re the same age. But I have a question for you? Is this really today’s top priority for SVU?

STABLER: Oh, we’re not SVU anymore.

BENSON: We’re heading up the newest division of the NYPD. A special Jewish unit.

COMMERCIAL BREAK: PROMO FOR NEW SERIES

V.O.—This season, join Detectives Stabler and Benson for the greatest challenge of their careers.

They battle interdenominational sniping, break up rumbles at Jewish singles events, and sniff out the copepods in tap water, as members of New York’s newest elite fighting squad.

LAW & ORDER: Special Jewish Unit. Coming soon to NBC.

Then to USA. Then to TNT.

GRAPHIC:
LAW & ORDER: SJU.

AUDIO:
[GUNK, GUNK.]