TRUMP: THE FRAGRANCE (The Commercial) DRAFT ONE
NEW YORK - Aramis and Designer Fragrances, a division of high-end cosmetics firm Estee Lauder Cos., said Thursday it signed a multi-year deal naming real estate mogul and reality television star Donald Trump as the spokesperson for a new men's fragrance called "Donald Trump, The Fragrance." The company said the product is slated for an exclusive U.S. launch in mid-November at Federated Department Stores and will have a suggested retail price of $60 for a 100ml/3.4 oz. bottle.
TRUMP: THE FRAGRANCE (THE COMMERCIAL) DRAFT ONE
Interior: An office. SAM, a male employee is harried, visibly unkempt and disorganized. Papers fly everywhere. Much to his distress, at this precise moment, DONALD TRUMP walks by, flanked by various lackeys. Trump pauses before the male employee and shakes his head.
TRUMP: Sam, I'd like to see you in the boardroom.
SAM: But Mr. Trump, I--
LACKEY: Mr. Trump has spoken. [Pulls out trumpet and sounds a regal flourish.]
TRUMP: Sam, your level of disorganization brings new meaning to the word disorganization. Your desk is an embarrassment to the Trump Corporation. Surely you must realize that you're a terrible office manager. And since we're here in the boardroom, there's only one thing left for me to do.
SAM: Mr. Trump, don't say it.
TRUMP: Oh, I'm not gonna say it, I'm gonna spray it.
TRUMP: That's right, Sam. [Turns to camera] Hi, I'm Donald Trump. Both in real life and on my hit reality show "the Apprentice," I fire hundreds of people each day. Leading doctors at the Donald Trump Institute for Trumpalicious Medical Research have indicated that all this employee termination is hell on my vocal cords. Plus, doing this [makes the famous "You're fired" gesture with his fingers] has given me carpal tunnel syndrome. But now with new "Trump: The Fragrance," I can say "you're fired," without damaging my voice or my hand. Just a spray, and people automatically understand they're out of a job. Here's my personal physician, C. Everett Koop, to explain how my new fragrance works.
KOOP: Trump's new fragrance contains a special custom blend of sodium pentathol, pheromones and MDMA. The sodium pentathol, sometimes referred to as "truth serum," guarantees that the only things soon-to-be-ex-employees take with them from TrumpCorp are the pictures of their family.
TRUMP: That's right! If they've squirrelled away any Swingline staplers or 3M post-it notes or Bic gel pens, Trump: The Fragrance helps me find out before their security clearance is revoked. [Laughs merrily, like Santa Claus with a jillion dollars.]
KOOP: The pheromones and MDMA leave the sprayee with a gentle warming sensation, as if they've just done a shot of whiskey or a couple of tabs of acid, making the departure process easier for both terminee and terminator.
TRUMP: Terminator, I guess that's me. Good thing I bought that little copyright from James Cameron last year. [Laughs again. Then hardens face into stone mask.] Firing yokels like Sam is a waste of time and physical stamina for someone of my stature. Aren't you important enough to deserve a fragrance like Trump? You know it's gotta be the best. It has my name on it.
V/O seductive woman: Don't say "you're fired." Spray it. Trump: the Fragrance: available in boardrooms everywhere.
Commercial use of sodium pentathol, pheromones and MDMA has not been approved by the Food and Drug Administration.
Individuals who have been sprayed with Trump the Fragrance may experience tingling in extremities, temporary hearing loss and overactive libido. In select individuals, use of MDMA may lead to participation in rave culture and LSD-style hallucinations. Users with weak constitutions may experience rectal bleeding or disorientation.
If you have been sprayed with Trump: The Fragrance, please refrain from swimming for at least 30 minutes after exposure.
Packaging may contain radiation or asbestos from the ceilings of Atlantic City casinos.
The Apprentice is an official copyright and anyone utilizing the name in print must pay Mr. Trump a user's fee of 14 million ducats or the hand in marriage/ indentured servitude of their firstborn daughter.
Promotional considerations for this ad have been provided by Swingline staplers, 3M post-it notes and Bic gel pens.