Friday, April 30, 2004

REDUCE, REUSE, RECYCLE: TRYING TO STOP THE MAGAZINE MADNESS

In the beginning, I had too many magazines.

Newsweek, The New Yorker, New York, Premiere…They piled up in the corners of my studio, on my bathroom floor, on my desk, in my gym bag. They threatened to cover my dining room table. They seemed to be reproducing asexually, as some sort of hybrid magazine-Gremlin creature, advancing over the wooden floor, reaching out to smother and intimidate me with their mere presence…plus, there was the small matter of cost. I needed to pinch pennies wherever I could, and these magazines were not necessities.

I needed to streamline my life and my finances. I needed to cancel my subscriptions.

But then I realized canceling would be too much work. I’d have to track down the subscription information, call and “break up” with the magazine over the phone. It seemed so inhumane. So I decided on a gentler tactic, inspired by the non-breakup relationship fadeout employed by a college ex-boyfriend: I would let my subscriptions expire, and not renew them.

I kept Newsweek, because it contained actual news. Since I only get the New York Times on the weekends, getting Newsweek helped me understand the world around me before the weekend. But with the rest of them, I was merciless.

The first to go was New York magazine. It was a shopping-and-celebrity image gossipfest, punctuated by the occasional rant of a politician or city celebrity profile, and the only reason I had subscribed to begin with was that the crossword puzzles were easier than those in the Times and made me feel smarter. But in the new era of slashing my entertainment budget, I just couldn’t justify getting a whole magazine for a crossword puzzle.

Then, I kissed The New Yorker goodbye. The cartoons had failed to amuse me one too many times, and I found their articles pretentious and appallingly long; as an editor, I saw, in my mind’s eye, a kinder, simpler world, where each of the feature articles was a third shorter and no one missed the extra verbiage. Hasta la vista, you longwinded, overhyped, affected publication.

But Premiere was hard. I love movies. And I love knowing everything about the movie-making process. I love knowing who the up-and-coming stars are, and I always loved Libby Gelman-Waxner’s “If You Ask Me…” column, which was the type of column I hoped to have one day. But there was no room to indulge my weepy sentimentality. Premiere had to go.

A year passed, and I had learned to live without them.

But in their wake, a new crop of magazines did rise. Since I had become a full-time freelancer, and was trying to familiarize myself with the consumer magazine market, I had slipped, one subscription at a time, back into my old magazine habits. Before I knew it, things were worse than ever. Instead of the basic four, I found myself the inadvertent owner of subscriptions to the following FOURTEEN magazines: Marie Claire, Lucky, Weight Watchers, Hadassah, Shape, Fitness, Real Simple, JANE, New York (proof of the City’s indomitability), Newsweek, Strong (some freebie mag from New York Sports Club), Writer’s Digest, Entertainment Weekly and Premiere (proof of Libby Gelman-Waxner’s indomitability). Plus, the New York Times Magazine, and a few straggler issues of CosmoGirl! and YM I was using for market research (and delicious pictures of Orlando Bloom).

Yes, it’s all tax-deductible, as a business expense. But there are so many of them—I’ve come to realize that to let subscriptions fade is not an effective streamlining technique. The magazine mess continues.

As I lie awake nights thinking about the mags on my floor, desk, table etc, I imagine myself caught in a magazine-centered Matrix scenario, scared that if I eventually sleep, the magazines will seize their opportunity to conquer, liquefy my body and use me for food. So strengthened, they will cruise, unfettered by human interference, back and forth over the wooden floors of my studio, as they convert it into the base camp for plotting their domination of, first, West 85th Street, and then, the world.

Or maybe they won’t. But in my apartment, the magazines still reign supreme.

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

YOU KNOW YOU DANCED TOO MUCH AT THE YOM HA'ATZMAUT PARTY WHEN...

...after nearly a full day's work, you look down at your feet and realize you're wearing two different sneakers.


YOU KNOW NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE ARE LOOKING TO YOU AS THE PICTURE OF FASHION WHEN...

...after a full day's work, no one has noticed that you're wearing two different sneakers.



THREE CHEERS FOR THE BLUE, WHITE AND...BLUE

Happy 56th birthday, Israel! You don't look a day over 55...

To celebrate, I joined thousands of my fellow NY Jews, hundreds of whom were my Upper West Side neighbors, for a giant Jew party at Crobar (which I suspect, was not the original intent of the club’s founder). In the rain, the two lines that stretched down the block in both directions seemed to move more slowly and lethally than molten lava. Everyone you thought you’d ever seen before was there. People you’ve known since you’re 4, long-lost high school compadres, camp people, shul people, and the hundreds of pictures you’ve seen on JDate came to life as more than 40 Jewish organizations partnered for this event.

Mayor Mike Bloomberg phlegmed his way through a few awkward Hebrew phrases (which made someone quip that it was nothing a few weeks of Hebrew school couldn’t cure—to amuse myself, I’m imagining the teachers as strung-out, nicotine-addicted New Yorkers who are p.o.’d about the public smoking ban…) and spoke about how impressed he always is with Israel. After a few words by the event’s co-chairs, Yizkor was read, then a memorial candle lighting, then El Maleh Rachamim, then a few songs and poems, including the meaningful “Each Man Has a Name” by Zelda and “The Silver Platter” by Natan Alterman, (both of which were much more moving in Hebrew than in the severely flawed English translation that was provided). Israel’s Permanent Ambassador to the UN, Dan Gillerman, spoke about the “real Israel,” the one not of terror and violence, but of medical advances, strides in technology and all the other things that make Israel a great, modern country, despite its relative youth.

Another Hebrew song, this time one I’d never heard before, but of the same name and clearly based on Antoine de St. Exupery’s “The Little Prince.” I personally found Rabbi Yitz Greenberg’s reading of a memorial poem—spoken in the voice of a father, mourning the loss of his son—very moving, and, knowing that he lost his son JJ in an accident in Israel over a year ago, almost unbearably sad. The poem’s speaker bemoans the fact that he did not help see his son off to the army, that if he had only known, he would have helped him with his bags, looked into his eyes one last time, etc. So sad.

Another essential element was the memorial siren. As in Israel, the minute of silence that is observed during the sounding of the siren serves as a separation between the day of national mourning and the day of national celebration. After Hatikvah and Shir Hashalom, the party started, with DJs spinning till dawn (not that I was there at dawn, but that was what the program said…) If memory serves, one of the first songs played at this dance party in honor of Israeli Independence Day was “Dancing Queen,” by ABBA. Which is only appropriate, since the group is named for someone’s father (that's the joke, "father" is "Abba" in Hebrew).

With the exception of a few English songs (Borderline, Stayin’ Alive, Kylie Minogueness, Michael Jackson, etc…), most of the mix was Israeli—at the beginning of every song, all you had to do was look around and see who was singing every word, and you knew they were either Israeli or had spent years in Israel listening to dance music…

Apparently, some “light snacks” were served, but by the time we found them, it was “all spread, no bread”—all the pita was gone, but the hummus remained. Oh well: a liquid dinner it was, and we were off to the bar for beverages. Libations came with a hefty price tag, but how many times a year does one get to celebrate Israel’s special day?

Or, as Mastercard would put it:

Cover charge at Crobar, $25 in advance/$30 at the door
Coat, bag and umbrella check, $6
Stoli Vanila on the rocks plus tip, $12
Contribution to shared cabfare home, $4
Celebrating Israel’s 56th birthday? Priceless.

Were you there? Tell me about your experience!

MY FAVORITE JDATE TYPO SO FAR...

"I just think it is the little thongs that matter in this life."

So does Sisquo.

(Does anyone even get this joke? My MTV people will.)

Monday, April 26, 2004

PHILANTHROPIC PREDICTION

Cosmetics queen Estee Lauder (born Josephine Esther Mentzer) died today at the age of 97. Son Ronald is already a major philanthropist with his own foundation; I predict that after a suitable interim (about a week), Jewish and other non-profit organizations will redouble their efforts in reaching out to the bereaved family, coaxing them to create scholarships, name wings of hospitals and break ground on new facilities in the name of the deceased matriarch. You heard it here first...


Sunday, April 25, 2004

When You Know, You Know--You Know??

When I read a JDate profile, I know. I don't necessarily know that there will be chemistry, but I know whether or not I want to meet that person. And when I don't, I just don't. Unless the guy is much more expressive in his email than he is in his profile. But largely, the profile's an accurate reflection of the man.

When it happens that I'm not interested, I try to be gently dismissive and spare the feelings of the persistent-without-a-clue. I think we've all been there, bombarded by emails from one person who you have absolutely no interest in, as a friend or otherwise. It's so hard...but sometimes it comes to the point where you actually have to just say something.

I may be at that point with someone. I never gave him any indication that I was interested, but he sends me an email at least once a day. And you can tell he's trying to be funny. But he's trying too hard. I might have to say something. What should I say? I don't want to be mean. But I want to be honest. Should I even say anything? Someone once told me that if you're not interested, you're not under any obligation to say, "no thanks, not interested..."

Any experience to share? Suggestions are welcome...

Friday, April 23, 2004

LOOK TO THE COOKIE

At work: The skinniest woman I’ve ever seen just came back from the cafeteria with the biggest cookie I’ve ever seen. It was the size of her head. And it wasn’t even her whole lunch—said dessert was atop a gloriously large container containing what, kashrut aside, would have been my other noontime nemesis: the burger and fries combo. I went back to my desk and ate my regular lunch of a salad, cauliflower and brussel sprouts.

Which leads me to the inevitable question: Can one person’s metabolism be surgically extracted, and reimplanted in another, less blonde, but more deserving person? This may be worth investigating.

YOGURT RANT

I'm resigned to the fact that if I want a yogurt that's under 100 calories, I need to get the ones that have no texture and are artificially oversweetened. It's the price I must pay for saving Weight Watcher Points for dinner. But why, oh why, do they have to vacuum-seal the lids, so that when I open the container, SPLAT!, the creamy goo flies all over my shirt, into my hair, etc? It's not like I'm enjoying the yogurt experience to begin with. And now, I'm wearing dirty clothes, too. Thanks for the drycleaning*, Dannon Light and generic equivalents!

* Fear not, gentle readers. I use the term "drycleaning" for comic impact; I did not mean to convey that I have suddenly begun wearing clothes from somewhere other than Old Navy...apologies for any confusion this may have caused.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

YET ANOTHER LETTER FROM THE YESHIVA GIRL TO THE MATERIAL GIRL

Dear Madonna,

Holy concert venues, Madge! You're taking your concert tour to Israel! That's wicked awesome. (I can't believe I had to read about this online, but WHATEVER.) You should totally let birthright Israel know about the tour dates once they're final. I bet tons of fans from around the United States would totally sign up for an Israel program if they knew that you were going to be taking your unholy act to the Holy Land.

Not that you're not kosher, Madge, I didn't mean that. But you gotta admit, it's a good thing that your "Blonde Ambition" simulated masturbation and Jean-Paul Gauthier cone-bustier days are mostly behind you (although I caught some of Britney's concert on TV and she is TOTALLY COPYING YOU!! That is so uncool of her.). The Rabbinate of Israel would never have gone for those kinds of antics. But they're probably really not sure what to do with you, I suspect, which is why they're keeping you FAR AWAY from Jerusalem. I've heard concerts in Timna Park are really cool, but it's practically in the middle of the desert (bring lots of water, Madge--don't want you and the kids to dehydrate), and far from most places of religious import. I don't think that's an accident. I would have loved to have attended a concert by you at the Sultan's Pool, across from the Old City, but come on--that's NEVER going to happen! The Mayor would sooner schedule a viewing of Mel's movie projected on the Kotel! (ROTFLMAO!!)

And you never answered me about those extra tix for the NYC shows...I'd be perfectly happy to accept the offer of airfare and tickets to the show in the Negev in exchange for showing you around Jerusalem, if you're interested...just let me know!

Your sister in Judaism,
Esther

P.S.: OMG, I just totally realized that your husband's name means "valley" in Hebrew! So weird. I wonder what that means, kabbalistically? Don't worry, I'll check and get back to you!

"Get Renee Zellweger's Look"

That's MSN's title of the how-to for Renee's "classic Hollywood starlet" hair look (http://women.msn.com/652803.armx), an article that takes you through a five-step, four-product routine that you can put yourself through in the comfort of your own home.

Of course, I have my own Reneecipe:

1. Be short.
2. Be cute in movie with Tom Cruise.
3. Squint eyes for rest of career.

Poof! You're done! No muss, no fuss, no additional haircare products required. Follow this simple plan and you'll get singing roles even though you've never been to karaoke, and be able to eat like a pig to gain weight for parts that should go to other heavier actresses.

Still not feeling the love of the Academy? Smudge dirt on your face, revert to a backwoods accent, and show us your patented squint...and Oscar will be yours in a New York minute.

(PSA: Speaking of "New York Minute," I wanted to make you all aware of the fact that Mary-Kate Olsen has dyed her hair red. Ashley Olsen is still blonde.)

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Naming the Deity

I’m no theology student. My concept of God is fluid, constantly changing, shifting in shape, flavor and dimension, depending on what I experience in life. Faith is at war with logic, sense and emotion are clashing as I waffle between what I need to believe and what I probably actually believe. In considering the issue of divine punishment, the role of God during the Holocaust, the annual wrestling I did with the Book of Life concept as invoked during the High Holidays, reading the New York Times’ Portraits of Courage in the months after 9/11, I always envied those who could believe unshaken and unquestioning, those who found the answer “God has His reason” satisfying enough to abandon their inclination toward a passionate, emotional reaction and substitute an even more passionate faith.

These days, religious passion can be a problem. Though I’ve only once felt the sting of an anti-Semitic comment (uttered not in hatred, but in ignorance), I think that these days, we’re more afraid than we used to be. (Mel and his “Passion” helped to re-ignite the flame of Christian religious fervor, and after 9/11, everyone knows about Islamic fundamentalism. Not that they’re the same, but they’re both part of the foundation of fear.)

For instance, today I was on Ryze, the online professional networking website, and clicked, as I often have, on someone’s web page. I saw entries in guestbooks, signed with the closing “In Christ.” A shudder went through me, not because I’m scared that the guestbook signer was going to track me down and accuse me of killing his Lord, but because it represented this person’s reality: for him, religion has crossed over into the arena of the professional.

But is this kind of erosion between “church and state” any different from the game of “Jewish geography,” played by thousands of Jews as they try to make connections between the members of their personal and professional networks? In a word, yes. Jewish geography’s social—people meet people through school, professions or other involvements. Signing guestbooks with “In Christ” presupposes that the reader should know and love Jesus, and that if he doesn’t, he should. The hope, one presumes, is that leaving such a signature will plant the seeds for a future conversion.

Of course, I may be oversensitive, but that’s partly because from a very young age, we weren’t even allowed to write the name “God” in English. I went to yeshiva from kindergarten straight through high school, where teachers stressed concepts that seemed, to our young minds, unfathomable. Of course, they were trying to set the foundations of our theology, of our impression of God, or as they insisted we write it, G-D.

It always struck me as more than a little strange, this insistence on the dash between two otherwise innocuous English letters. After all, we were taught repeatedly that the name of God is firstly, not English. Secondly, the Name itself was ineffable, unpronounceable by human voices. The true name of God consisted of all the letters of the Hebrew alphabet, joined together and unvocalizable. This practice crossed over to God’s “other names,” from the Torah and beyond, that letter substitutions were used rather than pronounce the nicknames as written. Shaddai became Shakai, Elohim became Elokim, etc. If we slipped and used the actual word, said Elohim instead of Elokim, there was an audible gasp, as if someone had slipped into class munching on a bag of pork rinds. Once any of these “real names” were written on the page or in any kind of permanent medium, the paper became “shamos,” and had to be buried (in something called a geniza) rather than discarded. The only times we were permitted to use the “real names” was when making an actual brakhah (blessing), or when reading aloud from the Torah text in an educational context. I think I remember one of the medieval commentators (Rashi, if memory serves) spelling out the name somewhere, which led to the inevitable, unspoken challenge that we all internalized: to attempt the vocalization might help us to know God. (So that’s what the Tree of Life tasted like…)

One of the biggest adjustments in moving out of the yeshiva world for college was learning to use the “Name of God” in my secular studies. Especially as an English major, you can't read one work of literature without encountering references to God. Of course, it wasn’t really the name of God; it was just the word “god,” but with a capital G and no dash, used to mean the monotheistic, Judeo-Christian God.

As careful we had been in high school to not pronounce and not inscribe the Name of God, that is how frequently the name of God was invoked in the Christian contexts. Father, Son, Holy Ghost, all were fully vocalized and written out, all over the place. Occasionally, Christmas was rendered as Xmas, but it was never clear that holiness was the reason. Maybe, in its removal from the original Hebrew, the sanctity of The Name was literally lost in translation. Not once did my English professors, or even my New Testament teacher, recommend that we bury our notes when we were done with the class.

Considering it today, I don’t know which is better. Maintaining the sanctity of the name of God is good, but imbuing one three-letter English name with divine power doesn’t seem, to me, to be very helpful in education or in developing a personal theology. If Hebrew had a system of capitalization like English does, we’d be able to develop a better approach to the “Names of God.”

Too much thinking about theology makes my head swim. My relationship with God, whatever it is, is more in line with an ineffable string of Hebrew letters, that my heart keeps trying to pronounce and more clearly define.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Another Letter from the Yeshiva Girl to the Material Girl

Dear Madonna,

OMG, is it true? I read in the New York Post that you and actress Debi "Devorah" Mazar are no longer B.F.F.! That so blows. Are you, like, mad at her for not embracing all of those Sefirot of Kabbalah you're always talking about? I'd like to think that even if you found out that I totally thought Yoga was a crock of crap (which I don't, Madge, I DON'T!!! Downward dog rules!!) we'd still be friends, wouldn't we? Friendship goes beyond Shabbos, you know.

We have a bond! We wear the same red ayin horah bracelets, you, me and Brit, as a sign that we're B.F.F...best friends forever...You are still hangin' with Bracha Spears, right? I would be so majorly surprised if you had a falling-out with her. You are sooooo non-sexual soulmates--you're like twins separated by twenty-five (oops, I meant twenty, sorry) years.

I totally forgot to ask...what did you and Guy do for Passover? Were you by Shmuely, or did you and Gwynnie get together to discuss her rabbinic roots, like you guys have been threatening to, LOL...Kidding, I know Gwynnie's all preggers and everything, and probably had to turn in early, so I'm sure you and Guy just had some quiet Seders at home. But remember, next year, you can totally come home with me. My mom said I could always bring someone--I think she expects me to bring my non-existent boyfriend, but I'm sure you'd be a welcome addition to our Seder table.

So, have you decided about Shabbat dinner yet? I don't want to put any pressure on you, but I've been invited somewhere else and I wanted to know what to tell them. So write me back and let me know if I need to clean my apartment in preparation for your arrival, O Sabbath Queen of Pop!

S.W.A.K.C.A.L.W.S (Sealed with a kiss 'cause a lick won't stick)!

Your sister in Judaism,
Esther

Another Letter from the Yeshiva Girl to the Material Girl

Dear Madonna,

OMG, is it true? I read in the New York Post that you and actress Debi "Devorah" Mazar are no longer B.F.F.! That so blows. Are you, like, mad at her for not embracing all of those Sefirot of Kabbalah you're always talking about? I'd like to think that even if you found out that I totally thought Yoga was a crock of crap (which I don't, Madge, I DON'T!!! Downward dog rules!!) we'd still be friends, wouldn't we? Friendship goes beyond Shabbos, you know.

We have a bond! We wear the same red ayin horah bracelets, you, me and Brit, as a sign that we're B.F.F...best friends forever...You are still hangin' with Bracha Spears, right? I would be so majorly surprised if you had a falling-out with her. You are sooooo non-sexual soulmates--you're like twins separated by twenty-five (oops, I meant twenty, sorry) years.

I totally forgot to ask...what did you and Guy do for Passover? Were you by Shmuely, or did you and Gwynnie get together to discuss her rabbinic roots, like you guys have been threatening to, LOL...Kidding, I know Gwynnie's all preggers and everything, and probably had to turn in early, so I'm sure you and Guy just had some quiet seders at home. But remember, next year, you can totally come home with me. My mom said I could always bring someone--I think she expects me to bring my non-existent boyfriend, but I'm sure you'd be a welcome addition to our Seder table.

So, have you decided about Shabbat dinner yet? I don't want to put any pressure on you, but I've been invited somewhere else and I wanted to know what to tell them. So write me back and let me know if I need to clean my apartment in preparation for your arrival, O Sabbath Queen of Pop!

S.W.A.K.C.A.L.W.S (Sealed with a kiss 'cause a lick won't stick)!

Your sister in Judaism,
Esther

Monday, April 19, 2004

Contemplating Yom Hashoah (Holocaust Remembrance Day)

It’s never a happy holiday. There are no feasts, or prayers of happiness, or triangular cookies. It lacks the Zionist appeal of Israel Independence Day, and while solemn like Yom Kippur, Yom Hashoah pales in comparison.

Part of it was the last-minute time switch, delaying the beginning of the ceremony by 45 minutes. People who got there “on time” found themselves locked out. Only by running into each other on the street did five of us manage to figure out what happened. Then the speaker showed up with her husband. Add two to the grand total of attendees. By the time the program at my local synagogue started, I could count the number of people using the digits on both hands and only one foot. Five toes left over for stragglers, I thought.

As I sat there, listening to a Holocaust survivor (although she defines survivor as someone who lived through the war in Europe; since she and her family escaped in 1939, her self-definition included only the word “refugee”) speak about her experience and about the newly opened wing at Battery Park’s Museum of Jewish Heritage, I became immensely sad. Appropriate because of the day, for certain. But my sadness went deeper than the older woman’s words, or the intensity of the experience she related. In this same synagogue space, we had packed the building for Purim, with people standing around socializing, eating and drinking for hours. Even without refreshments, Tisha B’Av, the fast day commemorating the destruction of the Temple, was standing-room only. What was different about Yom Hashoah? Was it less important? Would anyone of the people who were for some reason missing from this gathering say that 6 million Jews dead and countless others emotionally and physically scarred makes no impact on my generation?

Of course not. In this event’s case, there was confusion, a distinct lack of planning ahead, and not enough attention paid to marketing and promotion. But it’s also that the holiday reminds us all of questions we don’t like to ask ourselves, and situations we hope we never experience.

Revisiting this particular period in our past forces us to confront issues of life and death. What’s so important to us today that we would die before we gave it up? If we had to offer up one person to certain death to save the lives of many, could we do that? If we had to leave our loved ones and go into hiding, would we survive? Which of our neighbors could we depend on for support and who would help us in our insurrection against the government, albeit an injust one? How far are we willing to compromise our Judaism and our connections to our family, when it comes down to self-preservation?

To consider such questions takes us, the younger generation that has no memory of a world without Israel, back to a time when the place of Jews in the world was unstable and constantly being challenged. Without a Jewish homeland to provide refuge to the oppressed, we were subject to whatever laws the reigning government imposed. Jews couldn’t be out at night after a certain time; benches were reserved for Aryan use only; people subsisted on rationed food and were limited to movement within the cramped walls of a ghetto; the old, the infirm, the mentally challenged were deemed unfit for society and gassed as an official government program. For us, these situations exist only in history books, and for a few of us, in the stories told us by our parents and grandparents. But any such experience personally related is already one to two generations removed, and memories grow fainter by the day.

Why should we revisit that time, when we live free today? We prefer to think about the daily indignities of our trivial lives. Professionally, experiencing crises of direction and job prospects, promotions and terminations, or sometimes just stagnation. Scraping together enough money to pay our $1200 rents for a very small corner of ridiculously overpriced New York real estate. If single, worrying that we’re going to spend our lives alone. If coupled, worrying that we won’t be able to pay for college for our born or unborn children. We hurry and worry, fret and flit, to and fro trying to make our lives better. It’s not that we don’t have time to care—we just don’t always make the time to care. We’re too wrapped up in ourselves. We try to focus on the tasks that seem manageable. Things this large—genocide, life and death choices, persecution on a large scale—seem so far from our current or future experience.

But a few months ago, an actor arrived on the horizon bearing his gift unto the world, a film that would, he claimed, “accurately” depict the Passion of Jesus. Because I haven’t seen the movie, I refuse to comment on whether this film encourages anti-Semitism. But even if it’s a “mood enhancer” of a movie, where audience bring in their own prejudices and emerge with their pre-existing beliefs stronger, that’s something we need to have on our radar.

Although you’ll be glad to know that, according to a recent poll, a solid majority (60 percent) of Americans believe that the Jews were not guilty of killing Jesus, you’ll note this leaves a large number of people whose views are different from that 60 percent of well-wishers. “Currently,” the report states, “34 percent of those under age 30, and 42 percent of blacks, say they feel Jews were responsible for Christ’s death, up substantially from 1997 ([when the numbers were] 10 and 21 percent respectively).” The survey also notes that “A relatively large proportion of people who have seen the movie (36 percent) feel Jews were responsible for Christ’s death.” (Pew Research Center for the People & the Press, national survey of 1,703 Americans, conducted March 17-21, and released April 2, 2004: http://people-press.org/reports/print.php3?PageID=806).

36 percent is not a huge number. (This born-and-bred math genius notes that it’s “not even half.”) But it’s something. And it’s significant. And I found the fact that only fifteen people showed up for the Yom Hashoah event at my synagogue to be extremely upsetting.

We wish survivors of the Holocaust long life. We hope and wish that they will be with us for a very long time. But we need to face facts: generations pass. And there exists the danger that we might someday be lulled into believing that anti-Semitism is a thing of the past, and that Israel will always be there as our backup plan. But the reality is that we can only depend on our current society’s stability if we try to keep corruptive influences in check. This can mean launching a Jooglebomb, a web endeavor designed to ensure that Google’s first references to Jews are not anti-Semitic (see www.jewschool.com/2004_03_01_archive.php#107951205677851436 for more on the Jooglebomb), or insisting that interfaith dialogues flourish in our community. Or mobilizing our friends and acquaintances to attend local commemorations, to display to our contemporaries and the aging generation that remembrance is important to us. If a poor attendance is expected, better to band together with other community organizations for meaningful and accessible programs, which can be attended by anyone, and where the sheer presence of a crowd will bring unity and comfort.

My synagogue also participated in the JCC of Manhattan’s program, held at Congregation Ansche Chesed, in which community members met to read names throughout the night and into the morning. My synagogue’s slot was sometime in the area of 4 am. So I didn’t go.

I felt guilty, because staying up was such a small thing to do, on the scale of things. But I had done it before and found it a solitary, awkward, exhausting experience. My experience was one of dozens of reasons not to go again, and those reasons, logic (my job) and physical needs (recovery from a weekend of bad allergies) won. While the organizers of that event are to be commended for creating a distinctive and memorable happening, they also need to be aware that most people cannot stay up in vigil to chant the names of the dead, even but once a year. Meaningful alternatives need to be provided. We have the luxury to do things on a timeline that is convenient, and convenience—united with interest and marketing—is the key to attendance. Only a well-attended event, where participants can connect with the community, will serve to reinforce the value of memory and strengthen our vigilance against the perpetrators of hatred and racism.

So, I didn’t go to the reading of the names. Even if I was one of fifteen at the synagogue event, at least I was actively remembering and communing with a few people who felt my sadness and felt similarly about the importance of strengthening memory. But if you’re anything like me, a Jew who is connected to both institutional and personal spirituality in some form, then you, in some way, take those names around with you every day. The Holocaust is alive for us, not in an experiential way, but on the level of our national consciousness. We have been to museums, seen the films, heard the testimonies of survivors. Some of us, despite the Gen-X indifference with which we are often unfairly saddled, have written books on the subject.

On Yom Hashoah, we hear millions of names recited, and whether or not we are in the embrace of community, we connect with the untenable nature of our own circumstances. It’s just that community makes the sadness, the loss, the instability, a little more manageable.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

MEA CULPA (except not really my culpa)

Many of you have already read my interview with Adam Mesh and his parents (see link at right), in which I quote a JTA report that only one of the women Adam took home in the final episode of AVERAGE JOE was Jewish. I received a correction today that both Samantha and Rachel are, in fact, Jewish. So, I'm sorry for misleading my fans and his, albeit inadvertently.

The moral of the story is that you can never believe everything you read...So to repeat, both women Adam took home were Jewish. I sincerely hope no one's been traumatized by believing otherwise for the past week...because that means you care too much about this show.

My most sincere apologies.

-THE MANAGEMENT

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

You're Invited...to Shabbat Dinner with the Material Girl

Dear Madonna,

Just heard the news about you canceling Friday night concerts for the rest of your tour. Mazal tov! With our history, I know that this represents a Bat Mitzvah of sorts--moving out of the childhood of your affiliation with Judaism and assuming your responsibilities as a not-quite-Jewish-but-extremely-friendly-to-Kabbalah woman. In the old days, they would've said, "today you are a fountain pen!"

But times not being olden, and given the publicity around your latest decision to embrace the Sabbath, I hope you'll reconsider my long-standing invitation to Shabbat dinner. As I told you last year when you announced that your "Kabbalah name" is Esther (a brilliant homage to my karaoke rendition of "Like a Prayer" that I MUCH appreciate), my place isn't much, I know, but when it comes to Shabbos in the big city, mi studio es su studio. Call it our little Isla Bonita in the center of the overwhelming city. Just let me know if you have any food allergies or preferences. (I usually get Zomick's challah, but the whole wheat kind. I hope that's organic enough for you.) It's all kosher, of course!

If you want, you can stay by me for Shabbos--my futon definitely works. But I'm warning you, my apartment's way small. If you're bringing Guy, Lola and Rocco, we'll have to borrow an air mattress. Or, there's a Days Inn not far from my apartment--that might be a smart way to get around the space issue while still remaining thrifty.

We also must discuss where you'd feel most comfortable, synagogue-wise. Of course, I'd love to take you to my Upper West Side spiritual home, where we could potentially sit near Jerry Stiller, but maybe you'd be more at home at Carlebach, where you and MJ could potentially have a dance-off to raise money for the Kabbalah Centre. I'll check the papers to see if Shmuely Boteach's in town.

Saturday afternoon, I figure we'll picnic in Riverside Park after shul--it's a little more private than Central Park. Hope that's ok. Of course, I'll bring the sunblock and the study materials. You're still on the tractate of Sanhedrin, right? If you'd like to work on your accent, I'll invite my British friends--consider it your own personal pronunciation clinic!

Looking forward to seeing you, Madge!

Your sister in Judaism,
Esther

PS: What up with those ticket prices, girlfriend? They are downright unhaimish! Cut a freelancer a break: I'll make dinner, you hook me up with the tix, and we'll call it even...

Thursday, April 08, 2004

WARNING: THIS SEGMENT FLINGS MUD AT THE HAPPILY MARRIED

Catherine Zeta-Jones mocks me again. First, with the claim that she’s only 35. Yeah, right. She’s only three years older than I am? Granted, she’s prettier and in better shape, and looks MUCH YOUNGER next to husband Michael Douglas, but if she’s 35 then I’m an Academy Award winner.

But moving on to the reason behind this rant: Catherine, in her role as corporate shill for T-Mobile, has gone over the edge of discriminating against me as a single woman: now that company’s offering couples the opportunity to talk for free. Yet another way that America gives discounts to people already possess most of the elusive happiness that drives us all.

Married people already get to split their living expenses—rent, phone, cable and Con Ed can be split up equitably or financed by the more financially successful partner. Kind of like an employer that negotiates a group rate for health insurance, I think single people in the same building should be able to pay a group rate for cable, phone, Con Ed, whatever. This kind of arrangement also could build goodwill and cooperation within a building, creating a sense of community in a city that can feel so lonely.

Married people get to register for things they didn’t know they needed, but might like to have just the same. These luxuries, like rice cookers and breadmakers, aren’t vital accessories, but married couples get them anyway, during parties thrown in celebration of their happiness, to which all their friends—even their single friends—bring presents, so that the couple don't have to pay for them themselves. But since most couples are living on two incomes, couples have more money to spend on these things. It’s singles who should be able to register for the stuff they want and receive said swag gratis.

Most couples experience financial benefits to the legalizing of their unions. They have joint bank accounts and joint health insurance. One spouse can send the other to do shopping on the way home, and said food expenses are split. They have an extra person who can be on call for the cable guy’s arrival, who can remind the doorman in their luxury building that they’re expecting packages. I think singles should be able to stay on their parents’ health insurance until they’re married. I think married couples should register with some sort of central agency and enter into a work rotation to help out singles in all of these areas: once a month, a member of a married (or committed) couple needs to help out a single: either by providing a service like picking up dry-cleaning, or by providing a home-cooked meal to a single man or woman who’s been living on boxes of mac and cheese or slices of mushroom pizza (just two examples).

Perhaps couples could also legally “adopt” a single person, inviting him or her over for dinner every once in a while, helping pick out decorations for his or her apartment, and most importantly, claiming them the singleton as a dependent while providing a legal framework for that person’s right to health insurance. And if that couple wants to give the singleton a $50 allowance per week, that much the better.

But this all started with the concept of phone minutes. Time is money. But since singles, through the process of dating, already spend the most time and money, throwing cash back into the economy of the city through dinners, drinks and coffees, new outfits to impress potential dates, cover charges at clubs and singles events, memberships to social and philanthropic societies, therapy bills, overpriced trips to Club Med etc, don’t we deserve a little break when it comes to something as small and easy for the phone companies to offer as airtime minutes?

Why not give single people free minutes when they talk to other singles? It might even encourage romance, if single people could talk to each other for free. Why not allow best friends the chance to analyze blind dates without paying through the nose? Why further penalize singles for not having found the love of their lives?

We deserve a little “free time” at least as much as married people do. And maybe more.

Monday, April 05, 2004

Cracking the Code

If you read any number of JDate profiles, you’ll notice that there seem to be random words missing from the essays. At first, I was blaming the men for their carelessness and laziness, that couldn’t spare the time to proof essays, or they would have found these errors and curtailed my annoyance in advance of my spending time reading them. (“Blame the men” is often my default setting, which is its own problem…) I thought it was random, a glitch in the system, that sporadically caused words to be deleted. After reading hundreds of profiles, I figured out that it's deliberate: JDate deletes words from profiles.

I had begun by looking for patterns, feeling not unlike Russell Crowe’s character in A BEAUTIFUL MIND (although I didn’t get good at math as a side effect, and my brilliance seems to be limited to this particular discovery, so that’s where the similarity ends. But I did invent a handsome male companion who looks like Paul Bettany to accompany me through this endeavor. His name is Fabrizio. You’ll meet him soon, unless I start taking my anti-psychotic meds again…)

Here’s what I discovered—there are two reasons a word may be deleted:
* If JDate censors determine that the word in question is part of an email address.
* If JDate censors determine that the word in question may be perceived as a curse word.

For the uninitiated, it is free to post a profile on JDate, but if you want to contact anyone, you have to pay the piper/prue/paige/phoebe (CHARMED fans will get that), to the tune of about $30 a month. Lots of people try to get around this fee by embedding their email address within their profile. Periodically (I believe it’s any time you change your profile), JDate must run the essays through some Boolean filter or something. And any time the word ‘hotmail,’ ‘yahoo’ or ‘America’ appears (or the word ‘com’ following the word ‘dot’), it is deleted, because it is perceived as an attempt to circumvent JDate’s system. I embedded my email address a few times, first unsuccessfully and then successfully, but you have to disguise that it’s an email address so much that if you're successful, the result is that your profile makes you sound deranged.

It is all fine and well that JDate’s trying to protect their services and keep them for paying members only. But this filter-and-remove system also confuses readers, as it routinely eliminates words that are necessary to understanding what the member is trying to convey: I figured this out when I included the following sentence in my profile: “I believe that basic cable (Comedy Central and the possibility of seeing THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION forty times each day) is the right of every American.” The day after I made this change, I looked at my profile and discovered that the word America had been deleted, leaving a lonely, widowed n on its own, looking very much like…(creepy drumroll)…a typo. This would not do. A typo in my profile? No way—I’ve got a rep to protect. Now I have to remember to censor myself, to steer clear of the word America in my JDate essays. That’s literally the most un-American thing I’ve ever experienced.

Then there’s the issue with obscenities. This is mind-boggling, because references to porn go untouched, but any juxtaposition of the letters a, s, and s are targeted for extermination. How’d I figure this out? Here was the clue for me: “I like activities such urfing.” Clearly, the writer of this profile did not intend to convey that he was an urfing fanatic (although urfing does sound fun). Then I looked at the missing letters, and EUREKA! The missing letters spelled ass!! Even with a space between the letters, JDate’s search engine must have picked up on this: “Ooh, you rascally clients, you—trying to sneak a naughty word like ass into your profile…” In reality, none of these clients were trying to do this. It was an unlucky placement of letters that led to words being deleted and creating the impression that the profile’s writer is illiterate or careless.

The slippery slope here is clear. It’s only a matter of time before we’ll have sentences like this to look forward to: “ensible an ensible can be, I’ll ess your profile before contacting you. If thi s all the right note cept musical ones, LOL, contact me.”

(Not a code-cracker yet? Try this version: “As sensible an American as sensible can be, I’ll assess your profile before contacting you. If this hits all the right notes except musical ones, LOL, contact me.”)

MISSION...Possible?

Cruise and Cruze have ended their relationship. This leaves Tom free to leave Scientology and marry me. But what about that cuteness with their names, won't America get confused if Tom's woman's name doesn't sound like his? you may ask. Hakuna matata, my friend, since--in the happiest of coincidences--our names mesh very well together. I give you: Mr. and Mrs. Cruistanowitz. Barely even a phonetic stretch for either of us. I believe I may have even already gotten some misspelled mail to that name. As to rumors that he's gay...well, nobody's perfect.

Stay tuned for news of Tom's progress through conversion classes, as well as the details of our upcoming nuptials, coming to this space sometime between now and never.

My Urban Kvetch: 04/2004 - 05/2004

Friday, April 30, 2004

REDUCE, REUSE, RECYCLE: TRYING TO STOP THE MAGAZINE MADNESS

In the beginning, I had too many magazines.

Newsweek, The New Yorker, New York, Premiere…They piled up in the corners of my studio, on my bathroom floor, on my desk, in my gym bag. They threatened to cover my dining room table. They seemed to be reproducing asexually, as some sort of hybrid magazine-Gremlin creature, advancing over the wooden floor, reaching out to smother and intimidate me with their mere presence…plus, there was the small matter of cost. I needed to pinch pennies wherever I could, and these magazines were not necessities.

I needed to streamline my life and my finances. I needed to cancel my subscriptions.

But then I realized canceling would be too much work. I’d have to track down the subscription information, call and “break up” with the magazine over the phone. It seemed so inhumane. So I decided on a gentler tactic, inspired by the non-breakup relationship fadeout employed by a college ex-boyfriend: I would let my subscriptions expire, and not renew them.

I kept Newsweek, because it contained actual news. Since I only get the New York Times on the weekends, getting Newsweek helped me understand the world around me before the weekend. But with the rest of them, I was merciless.

The first to go was New York magazine. It was a shopping-and-celebrity image gossipfest, punctuated by the occasional rant of a politician or city celebrity profile, and the only reason I had subscribed to begin with was that the crossword puzzles were easier than those in the Times and made me feel smarter. But in the new era of slashing my entertainment budget, I just couldn’t justify getting a whole magazine for a crossword puzzle.

Then, I kissed The New Yorker goodbye. The cartoons had failed to amuse me one too many times, and I found their articles pretentious and appallingly long; as an editor, I saw, in my mind’s eye, a kinder, simpler world, where each of the feature articles was a third shorter and no one missed the extra verbiage. Hasta la vista, you longwinded, overhyped, affected publication.

But Premiere was hard. I love movies. And I love knowing everything about the movie-making process. I love knowing who the up-and-coming stars are, and I always loved Libby Gelman-Waxner’s “If You Ask Me…” column, which was the type of column I hoped to have one day. But there was no room to indulge my weepy sentimentality. Premiere had to go.

A year passed, and I had learned to live without them.

But in their wake, a new crop of magazines did rise. Since I had become a full-time freelancer, and was trying to familiarize myself with the consumer magazine market, I had slipped, one subscription at a time, back into my old magazine habits. Before I knew it, things were worse than ever. Instead of the basic four, I found myself the inadvertent owner of subscriptions to the following FOURTEEN magazines: Marie Claire, Lucky, Weight Watchers, Hadassah, Shape, Fitness, Real Simple, JANE, New York (proof of the City’s indomitability), Newsweek, Strong (some freebie mag from New York Sports Club), Writer’s Digest, Entertainment Weekly and Premiere (proof of Libby Gelman-Waxner’s indomitability). Plus, the New York Times Magazine, and a few straggler issues of CosmoGirl! and YM I was using for market research (and delicious pictures of Orlando Bloom).

Yes, it’s all tax-deductible, as a business expense. But there are so many of them—I’ve come to realize that to let subscriptions fade is not an effective streamlining technique. The magazine mess continues.

As I lie awake nights thinking about the mags on my floor, desk, table etc, I imagine myself caught in a magazine-centered Matrix scenario, scared that if I eventually sleep, the magazines will seize their opportunity to conquer, liquefy my body and use me for food. So strengthened, they will cruise, unfettered by human interference, back and forth over the wooden floors of my studio, as they convert it into the base camp for plotting their domination of, first, West 85th Street, and then, the world.

Or maybe they won’t. But in my apartment, the magazines still reign supreme.

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

YOU KNOW YOU DANCED TOO MUCH AT THE YOM HA'ATZMAUT PARTY WHEN...

...after nearly a full day's work, you look down at your feet and realize you're wearing two different sneakers.


YOU KNOW NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE ARE LOOKING TO YOU AS THE PICTURE OF FASHION WHEN...

...after a full day's work, no one has noticed that you're wearing two different sneakers.



THREE CHEERS FOR THE BLUE, WHITE AND...BLUE

Happy 56th birthday, Israel! You don't look a day over 55...

To celebrate, I joined thousands of my fellow NY Jews, hundreds of whom were my Upper West Side neighbors, for a giant Jew party at Crobar (which I suspect, was not the original intent of the club’s founder). In the rain, the two lines that stretched down the block in both directions seemed to move more slowly and lethally than molten lava. Everyone you thought you’d ever seen before was there. People you’ve known since you’re 4, long-lost high school compadres, camp people, shul people, and the hundreds of pictures you’ve seen on JDate came to life as more than 40 Jewish organizations partnered for this event.

Mayor Mike Bloomberg phlegmed his way through a few awkward Hebrew phrases (which made someone quip that it was nothing a few weeks of Hebrew school couldn’t cure—to amuse myself, I’m imagining the teachers as strung-out, nicotine-addicted New Yorkers who are p.o.’d about the public smoking ban…) and spoke about how impressed he always is with Israel. After a few words by the event’s co-chairs, Yizkor was read, then a memorial candle lighting, then El Maleh Rachamim, then a few songs and poems, including the meaningful “Each Man Has a Name” by Zelda and “The Silver Platter” by Natan Alterman, (both of which were much more moving in Hebrew than in the severely flawed English translation that was provided). Israel’s Permanent Ambassador to the UN, Dan Gillerman, spoke about the “real Israel,” the one not of terror and violence, but of medical advances, strides in technology and all the other things that make Israel a great, modern country, despite its relative youth.

Another Hebrew song, this time one I’d never heard before, but of the same name and clearly based on Antoine de St. Exupery’s “The Little Prince.” I personally found Rabbi Yitz Greenberg’s reading of a memorial poem—spoken in the voice of a father, mourning the loss of his son—very moving, and, knowing that he lost his son JJ in an accident in Israel over a year ago, almost unbearably sad. The poem’s speaker bemoans the fact that he did not help see his son off to the army, that if he had only known, he would have helped him with his bags, looked into his eyes one last time, etc. So sad.

Another essential element was the memorial siren. As in Israel, the minute of silence that is observed during the sounding of the siren serves as a separation between the day of national mourning and the day of national celebration. After Hatikvah and Shir Hashalom, the party started, with DJs spinning till dawn (not that I was there at dawn, but that was what the program said…) If memory serves, one of the first songs played at this dance party in honor of Israeli Independence Day was “Dancing Queen,” by ABBA. Which is only appropriate, since the group is named for someone’s father (that's the joke, "father" is "Abba" in Hebrew).

With the exception of a few English songs (Borderline, Stayin’ Alive, Kylie Minogueness, Michael Jackson, etc…), most of the mix was Israeli—at the beginning of every song, all you had to do was look around and see who was singing every word, and you knew they were either Israeli or had spent years in Israel listening to dance music…

Apparently, some “light snacks” were served, but by the time we found them, it was “all spread, no bread”—all the pita was gone, but the hummus remained. Oh well: a liquid dinner it was, and we were off to the bar for beverages. Libations came with a hefty price tag, but how many times a year does one get to celebrate Israel’s special day?

Or, as Mastercard would put it:

Cover charge at Crobar, $25 in advance/$30 at the door
Coat, bag and umbrella check, $6
Stoli Vanila on the rocks plus tip, $12
Contribution to shared cabfare home, $4
Celebrating Israel’s 56th birthday? Priceless.

Were you there? Tell me about your experience!

MY FAVORITE JDATE TYPO SO FAR...

"I just think it is the little thongs that matter in this life."

So does Sisquo.

(Does anyone even get this joke? My MTV people will.)

Monday, April 26, 2004

PHILANTHROPIC PREDICTION

Cosmetics queen Estee Lauder (born Josephine Esther Mentzer) died today at the age of 97. Son Ronald is already a major philanthropist with his own foundation; I predict that after a suitable interim (about a week), Jewish and other non-profit organizations will redouble their efforts in reaching out to the bereaved family, coaxing them to create scholarships, name wings of hospitals and break ground on new facilities in the name of the deceased matriarch. You heard it here first...


Sunday, April 25, 2004

When You Know, You Know--You Know??

When I read a JDate profile, I know. I don't necessarily know that there will be chemistry, but I know whether or not I want to meet that person. And when I don't, I just don't. Unless the guy is much more expressive in his email than he is in his profile. But largely, the profile's an accurate reflection of the man.

When it happens that I'm not interested, I try to be gently dismissive and spare the feelings of the persistent-without-a-clue. I think we've all been there, bombarded by emails from one person who you have absolutely no interest in, as a friend or otherwise. It's so hard...but sometimes it comes to the point where you actually have to just say something.

I may be at that point with someone. I never gave him any indication that I was interested, but he sends me an email at least once a day. And you can tell he's trying to be funny. But he's trying too hard. I might have to say something. What should I say? I don't want to be mean. But I want to be honest. Should I even say anything? Someone once told me that if you're not interested, you're not under any obligation to say, "no thanks, not interested..."

Any experience to share? Suggestions are welcome...

Friday, April 23, 2004

LOOK TO THE COOKIE

At work: The skinniest woman I’ve ever seen just came back from the cafeteria with the biggest cookie I’ve ever seen. It was the size of her head. And it wasn’t even her whole lunch—said dessert was atop a gloriously large container containing what, kashrut aside, would have been my other noontime nemesis: the burger and fries combo. I went back to my desk and ate my regular lunch of a salad, cauliflower and brussel sprouts.

Which leads me to the inevitable question: Can one person’s metabolism be surgically extracted, and reimplanted in another, less blonde, but more deserving person? This may be worth investigating.

YOGURT RANT

I'm resigned to the fact that if I want a yogurt that's under 100 calories, I need to get the ones that have no texture and are artificially oversweetened. It's the price I must pay for saving Weight Watcher Points for dinner. But why, oh why, do they have to vacuum-seal the lids, so that when I open the container, SPLAT!, the creamy goo flies all over my shirt, into my hair, etc? It's not like I'm enjoying the yogurt experience to begin with. And now, I'm wearing dirty clothes, too. Thanks for the drycleaning*, Dannon Light and generic equivalents!

* Fear not, gentle readers. I use the term "drycleaning" for comic impact; I did not mean to convey that I have suddenly begun wearing clothes from somewhere other than Old Navy...apologies for any confusion this may have caused.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

YET ANOTHER LETTER FROM THE YESHIVA GIRL TO THE MATERIAL GIRL

Dear Madonna,

Holy concert venues, Madge! You're taking your concert tour to Israel! That's wicked awesome. (I can't believe I had to read about this online, but WHATEVER.) You should totally let birthright Israel know about the tour dates once they're final. I bet tons of fans from around the United States would totally sign up for an Israel program if they knew that you were going to be taking your unholy act to the Holy Land.

Not that you're not kosher, Madge, I didn't mean that. But you gotta admit, it's a good thing that your "Blonde Ambition" simulated masturbation and Jean-Paul Gauthier cone-bustier days are mostly behind you (although I caught some of Britney's concert on TV and she is TOTALLY COPYING YOU!! That is so uncool of her.). The Rabbinate of Israel would never have gone for those kinds of antics. But they're probably really not sure what to do with you, I suspect, which is why they're keeping you FAR AWAY from Jerusalem. I've heard concerts in Timna Park are really cool, but it's practically in the middle of the desert (bring lots of water, Madge--don't want you and the kids to dehydrate), and far from most places of religious import. I don't think that's an accident. I would have loved to have attended a concert by you at the Sultan's Pool, across from the Old City, but come on--that's NEVER going to happen! The Mayor would sooner schedule a viewing of Mel's movie projected on the Kotel! (ROTFLMAO!!)

And you never answered me about those extra tix for the NYC shows...I'd be perfectly happy to accept the offer of airfare and tickets to the show in the Negev in exchange for showing you around Jerusalem, if you're interested...just let me know!

Your sister in Judaism,
Esther

P.S.: OMG, I just totally realized that your husband's name means "valley" in Hebrew! So weird. I wonder what that means, kabbalistically? Don't worry, I'll check and get back to you!

"Get Renee Zellweger's Look"

That's MSN's title of the how-to for Renee's "classic Hollywood starlet" hair look (http://women.msn.com/652803.armx), an article that takes you through a five-step, four-product routine that you can put yourself through in the comfort of your own home.

Of course, I have my own Reneecipe:

1. Be short.
2. Be cute in movie with Tom Cruise.
3. Squint eyes for rest of career.

Poof! You're done! No muss, no fuss, no additional haircare products required. Follow this simple plan and you'll get singing roles even though you've never been to karaoke, and be able to eat like a pig to gain weight for parts that should go to other heavier actresses.

Still not feeling the love of the Academy? Smudge dirt on your face, revert to a backwoods accent, and show us your patented squint...and Oscar will be yours in a New York minute.

(PSA: Speaking of "New York Minute," I wanted to make you all aware of the fact that Mary-Kate Olsen has dyed her hair red. Ashley Olsen is still blonde.)

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Naming the Deity

I’m no theology student. My concept of God is fluid, constantly changing, shifting in shape, flavor and dimension, depending on what I experience in life. Faith is at war with logic, sense and emotion are clashing as I waffle between what I need to believe and what I probably actually believe. In considering the issue of divine punishment, the role of God during the Holocaust, the annual wrestling I did with the Book of Life concept as invoked during the High Holidays, reading the New York Times’ Portraits of Courage in the months after 9/11, I always envied those who could believe unshaken and unquestioning, those who found the answer “God has His reason” satisfying enough to abandon their inclination toward a passionate, emotional reaction and substitute an even more passionate faith.

These days, religious passion can be a problem. Though I’ve only once felt the sting of an anti-Semitic comment (uttered not in hatred, but in ignorance), I think that these days, we’re more afraid than we used to be. (Mel and his “Passion” helped to re-ignite the flame of Christian religious fervor, and after 9/11, everyone knows about Islamic fundamentalism. Not that they’re the same, but they’re both part of the foundation of fear.)

For instance, today I was on Ryze, the online professional networking website, and clicked, as I often have, on someone’s web page. I saw entries in guestbooks, signed with the closing “In Christ.” A shudder went through me, not because I’m scared that the guestbook signer was going to track me down and accuse me of killing his Lord, but because it represented this person’s reality: for him, religion has crossed over into the arena of the professional.

But is this kind of erosion between “church and state” any different from the game of “Jewish geography,” played by thousands of Jews as they try to make connections between the members of their personal and professional networks? In a word, yes. Jewish geography’s social—people meet people through school, professions or other involvements. Signing guestbooks with “In Christ” presupposes that the reader should know and love Jesus, and that if he doesn’t, he should. The hope, one presumes, is that leaving such a signature will plant the seeds for a future conversion.

Of course, I may be oversensitive, but that’s partly because from a very young age, we weren’t even allowed to write the name “God” in English. I went to yeshiva from kindergarten straight through high school, where teachers stressed concepts that seemed, to our young minds, unfathomable. Of course, they were trying to set the foundations of our theology, of our impression of God, or as they insisted we write it, G-D.

It always struck me as more than a little strange, this insistence on the dash between two otherwise innocuous English letters. After all, we were taught repeatedly that the name of God is firstly, not English. Secondly, the Name itself was ineffable, unpronounceable by human voices. The true name of God consisted of all the letters of the Hebrew alphabet, joined together and unvocalizable. This practice crossed over to God’s “other names,” from the Torah and beyond, that letter substitutions were used rather than pronounce the nicknames as written. Shaddai became Shakai, Elohim became Elokim, etc. If we slipped and used the actual word, said Elohim instead of Elokim, there was an audible gasp, as if someone had slipped into class munching on a bag of pork rinds. Once any of these “real names” were written on the page or in any kind of permanent medium, the paper became “shamos,” and had to be buried (in something called a geniza) rather than discarded. The only times we were permitted to use the “real names” was when making an actual brakhah (blessing), or when reading aloud from the Torah text in an educational context. I think I remember one of the medieval commentators (Rashi, if memory serves) spelling out the name somewhere, which led to the inevitable, unspoken challenge that we all internalized: to attempt the vocalization might help us to know God. (So that’s what the Tree of Life tasted like…)

One of the biggest adjustments in moving out of the yeshiva world for college was learning to use the “Name of God” in my secular studies. Especially as an English major, you can't read one work of literature without encountering references to God. Of course, it wasn’t really the name of God; it was just the word “god,” but with a capital G and no dash, used to mean the monotheistic, Judeo-Christian God.

As careful we had been in high school to not pronounce and not inscribe the Name of God, that is how frequently the name of God was invoked in the Christian contexts. Father, Son, Holy Ghost, all were fully vocalized and written out, all over the place. Occasionally, Christmas was rendered as Xmas, but it was never clear that holiness was the reason. Maybe, in its removal from the original Hebrew, the sanctity of The Name was literally lost in translation. Not once did my English professors, or even my New Testament teacher, recommend that we bury our notes when we were done with the class.

Considering it today, I don’t know which is better. Maintaining the sanctity of the name of God is good, but imbuing one three-letter English name with divine power doesn’t seem, to me, to be very helpful in education or in developing a personal theology. If Hebrew had a system of capitalization like English does, we’d be able to develop a better approach to the “Names of God.”

Too much thinking about theology makes my head swim. My relationship with God, whatever it is, is more in line with an ineffable string of Hebrew letters, that my heart keeps trying to pronounce and more clearly define.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Another Letter from the Yeshiva Girl to the Material Girl

Dear Madonna,

OMG, is it true? I read in the New York Post that you and actress Debi "Devorah" Mazar are no longer B.F.F.! That so blows. Are you, like, mad at her for not embracing all of those Sefirot of Kabbalah you're always talking about? I'd like to think that even if you found out that I totally thought Yoga was a crock of crap (which I don't, Madge, I DON'T!!! Downward dog rules!!) we'd still be friends, wouldn't we? Friendship goes beyond Shabbos, you know.

We have a bond! We wear the same red ayin horah bracelets, you, me and Brit, as a sign that we're B.F.F...best friends forever...You are still hangin' with Bracha Spears, right? I would be so majorly surprised if you had a falling-out with her. You are sooooo non-sexual soulmates--you're like twins separated by twenty-five (oops, I meant twenty, sorry) years.

I totally forgot to ask...what did you and Guy do for Passover? Were you by Shmuely, or did you and Gwynnie get together to discuss her rabbinic roots, like you guys have been threatening to, LOL...Kidding, I know Gwynnie's all preggers and everything, and probably had to turn in early, so I'm sure you and Guy just had some quiet Seders at home. But remember, next year, you can totally come home with me. My mom said I could always bring someone--I think she expects me to bring my non-existent boyfriend, but I'm sure you'd be a welcome addition to our Seder table.

So, have you decided about Shabbat dinner yet? I don't want to put any pressure on you, but I've been invited somewhere else and I wanted to know what to tell them. So write me back and let me know if I need to clean my apartment in preparation for your arrival, O Sabbath Queen of Pop!

S.W.A.K.C.A.L.W.S (Sealed with a kiss 'cause a lick won't stick)!

Your sister in Judaism,
Esther

Another Letter from the Yeshiva Girl to the Material Girl

Dear Madonna,

OMG, is it true? I read in the New York Post that you and actress Debi "Devorah" Mazar are no longer B.F.F.! That so blows. Are you, like, mad at her for not embracing all of those Sefirot of Kabbalah you're always talking about? I'd like to think that even if you found out that I totally thought Yoga was a crock of crap (which I don't, Madge, I DON'T!!! Downward dog rules!!) we'd still be friends, wouldn't we? Friendship goes beyond Shabbos, you know.

We have a bond! We wear the same red ayin horah bracelets, you, me and Brit, as a sign that we're B.F.F...best friends forever...You are still hangin' with Bracha Spears, right? I would be so majorly surprised if you had a falling-out with her. You are sooooo non-sexual soulmates--you're like twins separated by twenty-five (oops, I meant twenty, sorry) years.

I totally forgot to ask...what did you and Guy do for Passover? Were you by Shmuely, or did you and Gwynnie get together to discuss her rabbinic roots, like you guys have been threatening to, LOL...Kidding, I know Gwynnie's all preggers and everything, and probably had to turn in early, so I'm sure you and Guy just had some quiet seders at home. But remember, next year, you can totally come home with me. My mom said I could always bring someone--I think she expects me to bring my non-existent boyfriend, but I'm sure you'd be a welcome addition to our Seder table.

So, have you decided about Shabbat dinner yet? I don't want to put any pressure on you, but I've been invited somewhere else and I wanted to know what to tell them. So write me back and let me know if I need to clean my apartment in preparation for your arrival, O Sabbath Queen of Pop!

S.W.A.K.C.A.L.W.S (Sealed with a kiss 'cause a lick won't stick)!

Your sister in Judaism,
Esther

Monday, April 19, 2004

Contemplating Yom Hashoah (Holocaust Remembrance Day)

It’s never a happy holiday. There are no feasts, or prayers of happiness, or triangular cookies. It lacks the Zionist appeal of Israel Independence Day, and while solemn like Yom Kippur, Yom Hashoah pales in comparison.

Part of it was the last-minute time switch, delaying the beginning of the ceremony by 45 minutes. People who got there “on time” found themselves locked out. Only by running into each other on the street did five of us manage to figure out what happened. Then the speaker showed up with her husband. Add two to the grand total of attendees. By the time the program at my local synagogue started, I could count the number of people using the digits on both hands and only one foot. Five toes left over for stragglers, I thought.

As I sat there, listening to a Holocaust survivor (although she defines survivor as someone who lived through the war in Europe; since she and her family escaped in 1939, her self-definition included only the word “refugee”) speak about her experience and about the newly opened wing at Battery Park’s Museum of Jewish Heritage, I became immensely sad. Appropriate because of the day, for certain. But my sadness went deeper than the older woman’s words, or the intensity of the experience she related. In this same synagogue space, we had packed the building for Purim, with people standing around socializing, eating and drinking for hours. Even without refreshments, Tisha B’Av, the fast day commemorating the destruction of the Temple, was standing-room only. What was different about Yom Hashoah? Was it less important? Would anyone of the people who were for some reason missing from this gathering say that 6 million Jews dead and countless others emotionally and physically scarred makes no impact on my generation?

Of course not. In this event’s case, there was confusion, a distinct lack of planning ahead, and not enough attention paid to marketing and promotion. But it’s also that the holiday reminds us all of questions we don’t like to ask ourselves, and situations we hope we never experience.

Revisiting this particular period in our past forces us to confront issues of life and death. What’s so important to us today that we would die before we gave it up? If we had to offer up one person to certain death to save the lives of many, could we do that? If we had to leave our loved ones and go into hiding, would we survive? Which of our neighbors could we depend on for support and who would help us in our insurrection against the government, albeit an injust one? How far are we willing to compromise our Judaism and our connections to our family, when it comes down to self-preservation?

To consider such questions takes us, the younger generation that has no memory of a world without Israel, back to a time when the place of Jews in the world was unstable and constantly being challenged. Without a Jewish homeland to provide refuge to the oppressed, we were subject to whatever laws the reigning government imposed. Jews couldn’t be out at night after a certain time; benches were reserved for Aryan use only; people subsisted on rationed food and were limited to movement within the cramped walls of a ghetto; the old, the infirm, the mentally challenged were deemed unfit for society and gassed as an official government program. For us, these situations exist only in history books, and for a few of us, in the stories told us by our parents and grandparents. But any such experience personally related is already one to two generations removed, and memories grow fainter by the day.

Why should we revisit that time, when we live free today? We prefer to think about the daily indignities of our trivial lives. Professionally, experiencing crises of direction and job prospects, promotions and terminations, or sometimes just stagnation. Scraping together enough money to pay our $1200 rents for a very small corner of ridiculously overpriced New York real estate. If single, worrying that we’re going to spend our lives alone. If coupled, worrying that we won’t be able to pay for college for our born or unborn children. We hurry and worry, fret and flit, to and fro trying to make our lives better. It’s not that we don’t have time to care—we just don’t always make the time to care. We’re too wrapped up in ourselves. We try to focus on the tasks that seem manageable. Things this large—genocide, life and death choices, persecution on a large scale—seem so far from our current or future experience.

But a few months ago, an actor arrived on the horizon bearing his gift unto the world, a film that would, he claimed, “accurately” depict the Passion of Jesus. Because I haven’t seen the movie, I refuse to comment on whether this film encourages anti-Semitism. But even if it’s a “mood enhancer” of a movie, where audience bring in their own prejudices and emerge with their pre-existing beliefs stronger, that’s something we need to have on our radar.

Although you’ll be glad to know that, according to a recent poll, a solid majority (60 percent) of Americans believe that the Jews were not guilty of killing Jesus, you’ll note this leaves a large number of people whose views are different from that 60 percent of well-wishers. “Currently,” the report states, “34 percent of those under age 30, and 42 percent of blacks, say they feel Jews were responsible for Christ’s death, up substantially from 1997 ([when the numbers were] 10 and 21 percent respectively).” The survey also notes that “A relatively large proportion of people who have seen the movie (36 percent) feel Jews were responsible for Christ’s death.” (Pew Research Center for the People & the Press, national survey of 1,703 Americans, conducted March 17-21, and released April 2, 2004: http://people-press.org/reports/print.php3?PageID=806).

36 percent is not a huge number. (This born-and-bred math genius notes that it’s “not even half.”) But it’s something. And it’s significant. And I found the fact that only fifteen people showed up for the Yom Hashoah event at my synagogue to be extremely upsetting.

We wish survivors of the Holocaust long life. We hope and wish that they will be with us for a very long time. But we need to face facts: generations pass. And there exists the danger that we might someday be lulled into believing that anti-Semitism is a thing of the past, and that Israel will always be there as our backup plan. But the reality is that we can only depend on our current society’s stability if we try to keep corruptive influences in check. This can mean launching a Jooglebomb, a web endeavor designed to ensure that Google’s first references to Jews are not anti-Semitic (see www.jewschool.com/2004_03_01_archive.php#107951205677851436 for more on the Jooglebomb), or insisting that interfaith dialogues flourish in our community. Or mobilizing our friends and acquaintances to attend local commemorations, to display to our contemporaries and the aging generation that remembrance is important to us. If a poor attendance is expected, better to band together with other community organizations for meaningful and accessible programs, which can be attended by anyone, and where the sheer presence of a crowd will bring unity and comfort.

My synagogue also participated in the JCC of Manhattan’s program, held at Congregation Ansche Chesed, in which community members met to read names throughout the night and into the morning. My synagogue’s slot was sometime in the area of 4 am. So I didn’t go.

I felt guilty, because staying up was such a small thing to do, on the scale of things. But I had done it before and found it a solitary, awkward, exhausting experience. My experience was one of dozens of reasons not to go again, and those reasons, logic (my job) and physical needs (recovery from a weekend of bad allergies) won. While the organizers of that event are to be commended for creating a distinctive and memorable happening, they also need to be aware that most people cannot stay up in vigil to chant the names of the dead, even but once a year. Meaningful alternatives need to be provided. We have the luxury to do things on a timeline that is convenient, and convenience—united with interest and marketing—is the key to attendance. Only a well-attended event, where participants can connect with the community, will serve to reinforce the value of memory and strengthen our vigilance against the perpetrators of hatred and racism.

So, I didn’t go to the reading of the names. Even if I was one of fifteen at the synagogue event, at least I was actively remembering and communing with a few people who felt my sadness and felt similarly about the importance of strengthening memory. But if you’re anything like me, a Jew who is connected to both institutional and personal spirituality in some form, then you, in some way, take those names around with you every day. The Holocaust is alive for us, not in an experiential way, but on the level of our national consciousness. We have been to museums, seen the films, heard the testimonies of survivors. Some of us, despite the Gen-X indifference with which we are often unfairly saddled, have written books on the subject.

On Yom Hashoah, we hear millions of names recited, and whether or not we are in the embrace of community, we connect with the untenable nature of our own circumstances. It’s just that community makes the sadness, the loss, the instability, a little more manageable.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

MEA CULPA (except not really my culpa)

Many of you have already read my interview with Adam Mesh and his parents (see link at right), in which I quote a JTA report that only one of the women Adam took home in the final episode of AVERAGE JOE was Jewish. I received a correction today that both Samantha and Rachel are, in fact, Jewish. So, I'm sorry for misleading my fans and his, albeit inadvertently.

The moral of the story is that you can never believe everything you read...So to repeat, both women Adam took home were Jewish. I sincerely hope no one's been traumatized by believing otherwise for the past week...because that means you care too much about this show.

My most sincere apologies.

-THE MANAGEMENT

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

You're Invited...to Shabbat Dinner with the Material Girl

Dear Madonna,

Just heard the news about you canceling Friday night concerts for the rest of your tour. Mazal tov! With our history, I know that this represents a Bat Mitzvah of sorts--moving out of the childhood of your affiliation with Judaism and assuming your responsibilities as a not-quite-Jewish-but-extremely-friendly-to-Kabbalah woman. In the old days, they would've said, "today you are a fountain pen!"

But times not being olden, and given the publicity around your latest decision to embrace the Sabbath, I hope you'll reconsider my long-standing invitation to Shabbat dinner. As I told you last year when you announced that your "Kabbalah name" is Esther (a brilliant homage to my karaoke rendition of "Like a Prayer" that I MUCH appreciate), my place isn't much, I know, but when it comes to Shabbos in the big city, mi studio es su studio. Call it our little Isla Bonita in the center of the overwhelming city. Just let me know if you have any food allergies or preferences. (I usually get Zomick's challah, but the whole wheat kind. I hope that's organic enough for you.) It's all kosher, of course!

If you want, you can stay by me for Shabbos--my futon definitely works. But I'm warning you, my apartment's way small. If you're bringing Guy, Lola and Rocco, we'll have to borrow an air mattress. Or, there's a Days Inn not far from my apartment--that might be a smart way to get around the space issue while still remaining thrifty.

We also must discuss where you'd feel most comfortable, synagogue-wise. Of course, I'd love to take you to my Upper West Side spiritual home, where we could potentially sit near Jerry Stiller, but maybe you'd be more at home at Carlebach, where you and MJ could potentially have a dance-off to raise money for the Kabbalah Centre. I'll check the papers to see if Shmuely Boteach's in town.

Saturday afternoon, I figure we'll picnic in Riverside Park after shul--it's a little more private than Central Park. Hope that's ok. Of course, I'll bring the sunblock and the study materials. You're still on the tractate of Sanhedrin, right? If you'd like to work on your accent, I'll invite my British friends--consider it your own personal pronunciation clinic!

Looking forward to seeing you, Madge!

Your sister in Judaism,
Esther

PS: What up with those ticket prices, girlfriend? They are downright unhaimish! Cut a freelancer a break: I'll make dinner, you hook me up with the tix, and we'll call it even...

Thursday, April 08, 2004

WARNING: THIS SEGMENT FLINGS MUD AT THE HAPPILY MARRIED

Catherine Zeta-Jones mocks me again. First, with the claim that she’s only 35. Yeah, right. She’s only three years older than I am? Granted, she’s prettier and in better shape, and looks MUCH YOUNGER next to husband Michael Douglas, but if she’s 35 then I’m an Academy Award winner.

But moving on to the reason behind this rant: Catherine, in her role as corporate shill for T-Mobile, has gone over the edge of discriminating against me as a single woman: now that company’s offering couples the opportunity to talk for free. Yet another way that America gives discounts to people already possess most of the elusive happiness that drives us all.

Married people already get to split their living expenses—rent, phone, cable and Con Ed can be split up equitably or financed by the more financially successful partner. Kind of like an employer that negotiates a group rate for health insurance, I think single people in the same building should be able to pay a group rate for cable, phone, Con Ed, whatever. This kind of arrangement also could build goodwill and cooperation within a building, creating a sense of community in a city that can feel so lonely.

Married people get to register for things they didn’t know they needed, but might like to have just the same. These luxuries, like rice cookers and breadmakers, aren’t vital accessories, but married couples get them anyway, during parties thrown in celebration of their happiness, to which all their friends—even their single friends—bring presents, so that the couple don't have to pay for them themselves. But since most couples are living on two incomes, couples have more money to spend on these things. It’s singles who should be able to register for the stuff they want and receive said swag gratis.

Most couples experience financial benefits to the legalizing of their unions. They have joint bank accounts and joint health insurance. One spouse can send the other to do shopping on the way home, and said food expenses are split. They have an extra person who can be on call for the cable guy’s arrival, who can remind the doorman in their luxury building that they’re expecting packages. I think singles should be able to stay on their parents’ health insurance until they’re married. I think married couples should register with some sort of central agency and enter into a work rotation to help out singles in all of these areas: once a month, a member of a married (or committed) couple needs to help out a single: either by providing a service like picking up dry-cleaning, or by providing a home-cooked meal to a single man or woman who’s been living on boxes of mac and cheese or slices of mushroom pizza (just two examples).

Perhaps couples could also legally “adopt” a single person, inviting him or her over for dinner every once in a while, helping pick out decorations for his or her apartment, and most importantly, claiming them the singleton as a dependent while providing a legal framework for that person’s right to health insurance. And if that couple wants to give the singleton a $50 allowance per week, that much the better.

But this all started with the concept of phone minutes. Time is money. But since singles, through the process of dating, already spend the most time and money, throwing cash back into the economy of the city through dinners, drinks and coffees, new outfits to impress potential dates, cover charges at clubs and singles events, memberships to social and philanthropic societies, therapy bills, overpriced trips to Club Med etc, don’t we deserve a little break when it comes to something as small and easy for the phone companies to offer as airtime minutes?

Why not give single people free minutes when they talk to other singles? It might even encourage romance, if single people could talk to each other for free. Why not allow best friends the chance to analyze blind dates without paying through the nose? Why further penalize singles for not having found the love of their lives?

We deserve a little “free time” at least as much as married people do. And maybe more.

Monday, April 05, 2004

Cracking the Code

If you read any number of JDate profiles, you’ll notice that there seem to be random words missing from the essays. At first, I was blaming the men for their carelessness and laziness, that couldn’t spare the time to proof essays, or they would have found these errors and curtailed my annoyance in advance of my spending time reading them. (“Blame the men” is often my default setting, which is its own problem…) I thought it was random, a glitch in the system, that sporadically caused words to be deleted. After reading hundreds of profiles, I figured out that it's deliberate: JDate deletes words from profiles.

I had begun by looking for patterns, feeling not unlike Russell Crowe’s character in A BEAUTIFUL MIND (although I didn’t get good at math as a side effect, and my brilliance seems to be limited to this particular discovery, so that’s where the similarity ends. But I did invent a handsome male companion who looks like Paul Bettany to accompany me through this endeavor. His name is Fabrizio. You’ll meet him soon, unless I start taking my anti-psychotic meds again…)

Here’s what I discovered—there are two reasons a word may be deleted:
* If JDate censors determine that the word in question is part of an email address.
* If JDate censors determine that the word in question may be perceived as a curse word.

For the uninitiated, it is free to post a profile on JDate, but if you want to contact anyone, you have to pay the piper/prue/paige/phoebe (CHARMED fans will get that), to the tune of about $30 a month. Lots of people try to get around this fee by embedding their email address within their profile. Periodically (I believe it’s any time you change your profile), JDate must run the essays through some Boolean filter or something. And any time the word ‘hotmail,’ ‘yahoo’ or ‘America’ appears (or the word ‘com’ following the word ‘dot’), it is deleted, because it is perceived as an attempt to circumvent JDate’s system. I embedded my email address a few times, first unsuccessfully and then successfully, but you have to disguise that it’s an email address so much that if you're successful, the result is that your profile makes you sound deranged.

It is all fine and well that JDate’s trying to protect their services and keep them for paying members only. But this filter-and-remove system also confuses readers, as it routinely eliminates words that are necessary to understanding what the member is trying to convey: I figured this out when I included the following sentence in my profile: “I believe that basic cable (Comedy Central and the possibility of seeing THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION forty times each day) is the right of every American.” The day after I made this change, I looked at my profile and discovered that the word America had been deleted, leaving a lonely, widowed n on its own, looking very much like…(creepy drumroll)…a typo. This would not do. A typo in my profile? No way—I’ve got a rep to protect. Now I have to remember to censor myself, to steer clear of the word America in my JDate essays. That’s literally the most un-American thing I’ve ever experienced.

Then there’s the issue with obscenities. This is mind-boggling, because references to porn go untouched, but any juxtaposition of the letters a, s, and s are targeted for extermination. How’d I figure this out? Here was the clue for me: “I like activities such urfing.” Clearly, the writer of this profile did not intend to convey that he was an urfing fanatic (although urfing does sound fun). Then I looked at the missing letters, and EUREKA! The missing letters spelled ass!! Even with a space between the letters, JDate’s search engine must have picked up on this: “Ooh, you rascally clients, you—trying to sneak a naughty word like ass into your profile…” In reality, none of these clients were trying to do this. It was an unlucky placement of letters that led to words being deleted and creating the impression that the profile’s writer is illiterate or careless.

The slippery slope here is clear. It’s only a matter of time before we’ll have sentences like this to look forward to: “ensible an ensible can be, I’ll ess your profile before contacting you. If thi s all the right note cept musical ones, LOL, contact me.”

(Not a code-cracker yet? Try this version: “As sensible an American as sensible can be, I’ll assess your profile before contacting you. If this hits all the right notes except musical ones, LOL, contact me.”)

MISSION...Possible?

Cruise and Cruze have ended their relationship. This leaves Tom free to leave Scientology and marry me. But what about that cuteness with their names, won't America get confused if Tom's woman's name doesn't sound like his? you may ask. Hakuna matata, my friend, since--in the happiest of coincidences--our names mesh very well together. I give you: Mr. and Mrs. Cruistanowitz. Barely even a phonetic stretch for either of us. I believe I may have even already gotten some misspelled mail to that name. As to rumors that he's gay...well, nobody's perfect.

Stay tuned for news of Tom's progress through conversion classes, as well as the details of our upcoming nuptials, coming to this space sometime between now and never.