YET ANOTHER LETTER FROM THE YESHIVA GIRL TO THE MATERIAL GIRL

Dear Madonna,

Holy concert venues, Madge! You're taking your concert tour to Israel! That's wicked awesome. (I can't believe I had to read about this online, but WHATEVER.) You should totally let birthright Israel know about the tour dates once they're final. I bet tons of fans from around the United States would totally sign up for an Israel program if they knew that you were going to be taking your unholy act to the Holy Land.

Not that you're not kosher, Madge, I didn't mean that. But you gotta admit, it's a good thing that your "Blonde Ambition" simulated masturbation and Jean-Paul Gauthier cone-bustier days are mostly behind you (although I caught some of Britney's concert on TV and she is TOTALLY COPYING YOU!! That is so uncool of her.). The Rabbinate of Israel would never have gone for those kinds of antics. But they're probably really not sure what to do with you, I suspect, which is why they're keeping you FAR AWAY from Jerusalem. I've heard concerts in Timna Park are really cool, but it's practically in the middle of the desert (bring lots of water, Madge--don't want you and the kids to dehydrate), and far from most places of religious import. I don't think that's an accident. I would have loved to have attended a concert by you at the Sultan's Pool, across from the Old City, but come on--that's NEVER going to happen! The Mayor would sooner schedule a viewing of Mel's movie projected on the Kotel! (ROTFLMAO!!)

And you never answered me about those extra tix for the NYC shows...I'd be perfectly happy to accept the offer of airfare and tickets to the show in the Negev in exchange for showing you around Jerusalem, if you're interested...just let me know!

Your sister in Judaism,
Esther

P.S.: OMG, I just totally realized that your husband's name means "valley" in Hebrew! So weird. I wonder what that means, kabbalistically? Don't worry, I'll check and get back to you!

YET ANOTHER LETTER FROM THE YESHIVA GIRL TO THE MATERIAL GIRL

Dear Madonna,

Holy concert venues, Madge! You're taking your concert tour to Israel! That's wicked awesome. (I can't believe I had to read about this online, but WHATEVER.) You should totally let birthright Israel know about the tour dates once they're final. I bet tons of fans from around the United States would totally sign up for an Israel program if they knew that you were going to be taking your unholy act to the Holy Land.

Not that you're not kosher, Madge, I didn't mean that. But you gotta admit, it's a good thing that your "Blonde Ambition" simulated masturbation and Jean-Paul Gauthier cone-bustier days are mostly behind you (although I caught some of Britney's concert on TV and she is TOTALLY COPYING YOU!! That is so uncool of her.). The Rabbinate of Israel would never have gone for those kinds of antics. But they're probably really not sure what to do with you, I suspect, which is why they're keeping you FAR AWAY from Jerusalem. I've heard concerts in Timna Park are really cool, but it's practically in the middle of the desert (bring lots of water, Madge--don't want you and the kids to dehydrate), and far from most places of religious import. I don't think that's an accident. I would have loved to have attended a concert by you at the Sultan's Pool, across from the Old City, but come on--that's NEVER going to happen! The Mayor would sooner schedule a viewing of Mel's movie projected on the Kotel! (ROTFLMAO!!)

And you never answered me about those extra tix for the NYC shows...I'd be perfectly happy to accept the offer of airfare and tickets to the show in the Negev in exchange for showing you around Jerusalem, if you're interested...just let me know!

Your sister in Judaism,
Esther

P.S.: OMG, I just totally realized that your husband's name means "valley" in Hebrew! So weird. I wonder what that means, kabbalistically? Don't worry, I'll check and get back to you!