Cruise and Cruze have ended their relationship. This leaves Tom free to leave Scientology and marry me. But what about that cuteness with their names, won't America get confused if Tom's woman's name doesn't sound like his? you may ask. Hakuna matata, my friend, since--in the happiest of coincidences--our names mesh very well together. I give you: Mr. and Mrs. Cruistanowitz. Barely even a phonetic stretch for either of us. I believe I may have even already gotten some misspelled mail to that name. As to rumors that he's gay...well, nobody's perfect.
Stay tuned for news of Tom's progress through conversion classes, as well as the details of our upcoming nuptials, coming to this space sometime between now and never.