AN OPEN LETTER TO JEREMY PIVEN
Hi! It's been ages since we talked. How are you? How's the run of Fat Pig treatin' ya? You're getting great reviews, so congrats! By the way, I'm totally on board with your plan to dare your costar Keri Russell a box of Krispy Kremes. You just say the word and I'll pick them up and bring them to the theater. (I bet you Andrew McCarthy busts a gut over force-feeding Felicity, LOL!) I've been meaning to get tickets, but need to find someone to accompany me (unless you're willing to comp me and hang out after and I know how busy you are...)
Hey, I just saw on ET that you're taking your mother to the Golden Globes this weekend. That's great--I'm sure she's really excited. While this is an impressive display of admiration for your mother (I hope she is well, by the way--send her my best!), aren't you concerned that "mom-as-your-date" in Hollywood may translate for the tabloids as coming-out announcement? (Not that there's anything wrong with that--you totally know I'd support you if you were gay, but come on: we both know you're just picky.)
I'm not saying that you shouldn't go with Mom. I'm sure she's a great date (just like she was at your prom--OH, SNAP!! I'm kidding, Jer!) but I can't help but think that this might be a wonderful opportunity for you to find a nice Jewish girl who would also support you at this event. You know, someone who knows her way around a room of celebrities, and who is witty enough to create repartee with members of the glitterati as well as with their publicists. Maybe a New York writer, who can fully appreciate your sense of humor. A Jewish woman of substance and natural energy, to turn Hollywood on its ear. Perhaps a woman with six bridesmaid dresses in her studio apartment.
If the two of you were really ambitious, you could co-write a Jewish-based sitcom that portrayed Jews as positive forces of a committed lifestyle instead of as whiny stereotypes. You and she could be comedy revolutionaries...just an idea.
Anyway, gotta run. Need an idea for my singles column this week. What do you think of the topic, "A Celebrity and a Civilian May Love Each Other, But Where Will They Build Their Home?" Or maybe "Jewish, Single and Celebrity-Obsessed"? Your input always welcome, dear.
If you win a Golden Globe, totally call me from the podium, K?