CELEBRITY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS UNCOVERED
My celebrity connections recently uncovered the New Year's Resolutions of some of today's pop culture icons. As you can see, even celebrities can't keep all of their resolutions, and they have their own hair, makeup and exercise people.
I hesitated to publish them, but when they started becoming reality, they entered the public domain, and I could not, in good conscience, withhold them from you, gentle and inquisitive readers. Here they are, as I found them, on each celeb's novelty stationery:
Yo, homes: A Note from J. Timberlake
1. Erase mine and Janet's 2004 Superbowl performance from my TiVo.
2. Ask Cameron to marry me, even though she's Mom's age.
3. Apologize to Joey for pronouncing his last name "Fat-One" for the past ten years.
4. Immerse myself in hip-hop slang (maybe ask Snoop to create new lizzanguage?)
Life is a Bowl of Cherries, and I'm the Pitt
1. Start rumor about me and Angelina.
2. Deny rumor about me and Angelina
3. Find other uterus to carry my Aryan-looking superchildren. (Note: are bloggers hot? Ask assistant to check.)
4. Write the Star a nasty letter about their spelling error in our breakup announcement.
Jottings from Jude
1. Find smitten young lass (preferably an actress) to marry me and help me raise my children from my previous marriage.
2. Be in as many movies (and kiss as many leading ladies) as I possibly can.
3. Be strangely sexy in a way that enraptures the hordes and confuses the intellectually elite.
4. No more porn before shooting scenes on location.
Renee Zellweger's Diary
1. Learn how to open my eyes.
2. Ruin--I mean, celebrate--Janis Joplin's legacy by portraying her in movie.
3. Save my relationship with Jack White, who I keep mistakenly referring to as "Jack Black."
1. Like, totally rule in 05! But that's like hardly even like, a resolution. It's more like a totally undeniable fact!
2. Get other people to respect my privacy. I'm tired of rumors starting. I'm sick of being followed!
3. Get more publicity than PH, even if I have to make a naughty video (should I call Wilmer?). P will so freakin' flip, and the world will see what a jealous hotel heiress looks like! I totally hope she doesn't kick my ass though. (Better make an exercise resolution.)
3. OMG! I totally already had a 3!! LOL!!
4. Rent Carmen Electra's striptease video and do it with mom every day.
5. Get better abs and better career than Hilary Duff.
6. Grow red dreads and cover "Superfreak" for next album.
1. Make ten more movies with Owen Wilson.
2. Practice getting hit in the groin so it doesn't hurt so much next time I do it in a movie.
3. Workshop "Keeping the Faith 2"--see if Norton will return my calls.
4. Summon up the courage to ask Christine to convert to Judaism.
5. Ask agent why I've never been on Law & Order.
6. Join synagogue on Upper West Side.
7. Are Jewish bloggers hot? Investigate.
A Message from "Maverick"
1. Practice my smiling--one hour a day, at least.
2. Get over my stagefright and host Saturday Night Live.
3. Cut down on purchase of sunglasses.
4. Do a movie with Ben Stiller where he plays me and I play him.
5. Break up Nicole's relationship with that film producer guy.
6. Prep for exercise--buy more button-down shirts, tightie whities and socks, and try to expand musical repetoire beyond "Old Time Rock and Roll."
7. If I get depressed, take myself to bank and show myself the money.