INTERNET TURNS 35

NOT-QUITE-FRIAR'S CLUB ROAST OF THE INTERNET
(TRANSCRIPT EXCERPT, Esther Kustanowitz, presenter)

Thank you very much, everyone. It's my honor to be here!

Internet...if you look around, you'll see that many of us turned out to celebrate this special day with you. I guess Google works after all!

[laughter]

Let's face it, folks--puberty sucks, even for an information superhighway! In fact, when it first started, the Internet was no superhighway, it was a cul de sac.

In the early days, you weren't much to look at, either. I'm not saying you were ugly, but when those first two computers were linked to each other using a heavy gray cable, it was little better than trying to communicate through two paper cups connected by a string!

[laughter]

We never dreamed then that you would be revised, streamlined, rebuilt and even reinvented by an almost-President of the United States. Nor did we ever believe that we'd ever be able to track miscreants and misanthropes, ex-students and ex-boyfriends, order celebrity merchandise and stalk celebrities, under your supervision and with your assistance.

[applause--many stand in tribute]

I know everyone in this room owes you a debt of gratitude, for the endless cache of information and for being the ultimate information service provider.

[applause]

Or, in short: Thanks for all the porn.

[laughter and knee-slapping]

But seriously, I know you've accomplished much in your life, and my pride in you can best be expressed in song:

[sings a la Marilyn Monroe]
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, Mr. Internet...
I'M STILL YOUNGER THAN YOU...

[crowd erupts in gasping peals of laughter]

That's right! I'm younger, and I always will be!! Thank you, and good night!

INTERNET TURNS 35

NOT-QUITE-FRIAR'S CLUB ROAST OF THE INTERNET
(TRANSCRIPT EXCERPT, Esther Kustanowitz, presenter)

Thank you very much, everyone. It's my honor to be here!

Internet...if you look around, you'll see that many of us turned out to celebrate this special day with you. I guess Google works after all!

[laughter]

Let's face it, folks--puberty sucks, even for an information superhighway! In fact, when it first started, the Internet was no superhighway, it was a cul de sac.

In the early days, you weren't much to look at, either. I'm not saying you were ugly, but when those first two computers were linked to each other using a heavy gray cable, it was little better than trying to communicate through two paper cups connected by a string!

[laughter]

We never dreamed then that you would be revised, streamlined, rebuilt and even reinvented by an almost-President of the United States. Nor did we ever believe that we'd ever be able to track miscreants and misanthropes, ex-students and ex-boyfriends, order celebrity merchandise and stalk celebrities, under your supervision and with your assistance.

[applause--many stand in tribute]

I know everyone in this room owes you a debt of gratitude, for the endless cache of information and for being the ultimate information service provider.

[applause]

Or, in short: Thanks for all the porn.

[laughter and knee-slapping]

But seriously, I know you've accomplished much in your life, and my pride in you can best be expressed in song:

[sings a la Marilyn Monroe]
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, Mr. Internet...
I'M STILL YOUNGER THAN YOU...

[crowd erupts in gasping peals of laughter]

That's right! I'm younger, and I always will be!! Thank you, and good night!