DATE: DECEMBER 6, 2004
TO: ESTHER'S HAIR
FROM: CENTRAL MANAGEMENT
Over the last few months, it has come to our attention that you are responsible for an increasingly untenable situation.
Your professional texture is erratic, your emotional color of an ever-changing pallette, your length inconsistent and unreliable. One day you are smooth and soft, the next day you're flighty and flyaway. This emotional frizziness has no place in a functioning work environment. Additionally, your adherence to more youthful adornments and accessories, which undoubtedly causes you joy when you are carded at local watering holes, is unprofessional and unacceptable in the workplace.
While the instability of some of these factors may not be within your control, we urge you to take whatever measures are necessary so that this does not become detrimental to the work of the corporation. Other team members are beginning to resent what is becoming a basic condition of shear unreliability; several have stated that they feel like they've been shafted permanently, and their trust is not something you should be taking for granted. If your behavior continues unchecked, we will initiate a series of multi-layered cuts that will solve some of these issues from an institutional perspective.
We are all part of a collective here; the success of our work depends on our public presentation. You are one of our most central players in how we appear to the rest of society and corporate America, and we need your strength and lustrous shine.
We thank you in advance for your attention to this matter.