"HEY MADONNA--ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?"
From World Entertainment News Network, via SouthFlorida.com:
Pop superstar Madonna has urged the press to research the Kabbalah faith before attacking her passion for the mystic offshoot of Judaism.
Is that what it is, an offshoot? Have we ever had offshoots of Judaism before? Somehow, this phrase is sticking in my craw. I picture myself going to "my rabbi" (as if I had one of my very own) and demanding answers:
Me: Hey, Rabbi--I want to research the Kabbalah faith.
Rabbi: Um, there is no Kabbalah faith. It's a fictional product.
Me: [whining] But Raaaabbbi, I have to research the Kabbalah faith before I can attack Madonna's passion for it as the mystic offshoot of Judaism.
Rabbi: Oh. That's a string of a different color. Look, here's what I'll do. I'll write you a note saying you've researched the "Kabbalah faith," and you can feel free to go ahead and attack Madonna's religious beliefs.
Me: Cool! You're the bestest rabbi ever.
The singer is furious about the barrage of criticism she's received for evangelizing the controversial religion, and believes the media would be more supportive if they were less ignorant about the faith. The Kabbalah is studied by many celebrities including Britney Spears, Demi Moore and Paris Hilton.
Sure, Madge. Media training classes in a religion that doesn't exist: That's the answer.
Maybe it's the comedy hangover from last night's episode of South Park talking, but what tickles me most about this paragraph is the words "studied" and "Paris Hilton" in the same sentence. That concept is comedy gold, people. Instead of sending Paris and Nicole on the road to backwoods communities, FOX should send them to community college. Now that'd be a show.
"Yes, it irritates me when the press criticize my beliefs. Because what I would really like is for people to do their research and try to understand what it is I'm trying to study and understand," she said."If they did that, then they'd have a completely different view. I wonder if they'd be less irritated if I was studying existentialism. Maybe they would."
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Madge, if you're wondering why Jews are irritated with your study of a religion that was just recently invented as a pale, albeit celebrity-and-mysticism addled, shadow of our original faith, you are invited for Shabbat dinner anytime. We'll talk Judaism, share some challah and, after Shabbat, maybe write a rap together. (Braiding each other's hair and playing "Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board" will be optional.) And after our Shabbaton of the Two Esthers, I think we'll both emerge understanding each other a little bit better.
Happy Hanukkah, Madge. Or whatever nouveau Kabbalists celebrate this time of year. May all of your water be Kabbalized and all of your strings be red.