My Urban Kvetch

MyUrbanKvetch.com

2005-08-15T10:57:00.000-04:00

I'm pleased to announce my acquisition of MyUrbanKvetch.com, your one-stop shop for all your urbankvetching needs. Change your bookmarks, and visit often...

BOY, ARE YOU MISSING OUT...

2005-03-15T15:18:00.000-05:00

If you haven't changed your links yet, here's what you're missing over at the new site:

What Insurance is For

Blogs Reboiled

When Bloggers Stop Being Polite...

Jake in Progress

Letter from the Material Girl

Me on the cover of TV Guide (sort of)

And the announcement of the My Urban Kvetch "Kvetch Across America" tour.

Don't miss out! Change your links, and come on over! It's much easier than having you all in my studio!

And don't forget to visit Jdaters Anonymous!

EVEN MORE NEW POSTS!!!

2005-03-01T15:00:00.000-05:00

Over at the new site:

MARCH POSTS

FEBRUARY POSTS

As Gwen Stefani asks, What U Waitin 4?

Join me at the new site. Resistance is futile. (So change those links.)

TRANSITION...

2005-02-27T17:00:00.000-05:00

NEW POSTS AT THE TYPEPAD SITE:

The Non-Predictions of Oscarsdamus
The First My Urban Kvetch Field Trip and Theater Outing
"It's Not You...It's Me"--My Breakup Letter to Blogger

I'm finally getting there. The posts are transferred, even with their comments. (God bless Typepad.) The transformation is near-complete.

Muahhahahahahaha!!! Signed, The Evil Almost-Genius of Kvetch

HELP NEEDED FROM TYPEPAD GURUS:
*A quick way to rename and "file" the posts that have been imported
*How to manipulate the template to add blogrolling code, statcounter code, etc
*How to post-date entries (to keep them at the top of the page)
*Any other helpful hints or supa-fly tipz that will help me rock Typepad in an easy-to-read fashion

Thanks, yo. I'll let all y'all know when I've moved fa good.

GET BRENT'S BOD

2005-02-24T14:05:00.001-05:00

Finally, you can attain a celebrity's physique! International megastar of the BBC's hit show The Office Ricky Gervais reveals his sexy dieting secrets:

While Rene Zellweger embarked on rigorous campaign of pizza-eating and Guinness-drinking to fill Bridget Jones' rather large pants, Gervais spent ten years gobbling down cheese and imbibing beer to play David Brent in The Office.

I'll be filing this under "Reasons to Love the British."

BEER, FOAMY...GOOD

2005-02-23T11:13:00.000-05:00

An interesting post over at JDaters Anonymous (if I do say so myself) about the merits of alcohol in social situations.

(Sorry, Ken. Lent will be over soon. Actually, I have no idea when Lent's over since they never taught us that in yeshiva. Easter? In which case it's not that soon...but I support your commitment, however long it lasts.)

PUTTING THE "DIE" BACK IN "DIET", PART DEUX: THE HUBRIS AWARD

2005-02-22T16:38:00.000-05:00

And the Hubris Award Goes to…

Inventor Ray Kurzweil, author of Fantastic Voyage: Live Long Enough to Live Forever, who predicts a coming explosion in technology that will make infinite life spans possible.

In a recent interview, Kurzweil spoke of humanity's coming immortality as if it's as good as done. He says he sees human intelligence not only conquering its biological limits, including death, but completely mastering the natural world.

Some images that come to mind: the kids from Fame singing ("I wanna live forever...I wanna learn how to fly...HIGH!"), the Tower of Babel falling, pride goeth-ing before a fall, every flawed hero of a Shakespeare tragedy, etc…

Critics say that Kurzweil's predictions of immortality are wild fantasies based on unjustifiable leaps from current technology. Kurzweil says that his critics don't appreciate the exponential nature of technological advance.

I guess they’ll just have to agree to disagree. A quote that comes to mind:
"It's symbolic of our struggle against oppression!"
"It's symbolic of your struggle against reality..."

In his latest book, Kurzweil defines what he calls his three bridges to immortality. The "First Bridge" is a health regimen to keep people fit enough to cross the "Second Bridge," a biotechnological revolution that will block disease-causing genes and create new ones that would slow or stop the aging process. The "Third Bridge" is the nanotechnology and artificial-intelligence revolution, which Kurzweil predicts will deliver the nanobots to work in our bloodstreams and brains. These intelligent machines will destroy disease, rebuild organs and obliterate limits on human intelligence.

"Paging Neo. Neo, to the white courtesy phone."

PUTTING THE “DIE” BACK IN “DIET”

2005-02-22T14:52:00.000-05:00

Welcome to what I suspect will be a continuing series on fad diets and the crazy people who adopt them. (Add Ryan Seacrest and it sounds like a reality show for FOX.)

One Meal A Day

Brad, Courteney, Elizabeth Hurley…these paragons of nutrition have all “benefited” from the one-meal-a-day diet. The gist of this article? The groundbreaking news that this kind of dieting is bad for you. (Duh.)

Shark Blood: Australian for Nutrition

After being adrift at sea for seven weeks and presumed lost, three fishermen were forced to drink shark blood and rain-water in order to survive. Mmm...shark blood.

The French Diet—Snack and Be Taunted a Second Time

A lot has been written recently about the fact that there are no fat French women. While I'm still not convinced this is true, here is a partial list of the reasons that French people are thinner, even if they consume a lot of fat and alcohol.
• Their portions are smaller.
• They eat only at mealtimes. (Snacking is frowned upon.)
• They eat a wider variety of food.
• They don't skip meals.

This also just in: being snooty burns 235 calories an hour.

Soda Companies—Making Diets Cool for Men

In an attempt to make dieting and diet products more "man-friendly," instead of taking the tried-and-true road of placing the product next to a hot woman in a bikini, soda companies are eschewing the word "diet" in favor of other alternatives, like Sierra Mist Free. I guess the theory is that a man would feel wimpy ordering a Diet Sierra Mist, but what man doesn't like something that's free? Personally, I think the problem here is the "Sierra Mist" part. Even I feel wussy ordering it.

Plus, just when you thought Diet Coke was the diet version of Coca-Cola Classic, the Coca-Cola Company says "nuh-uh, it's like, a totally different formula," and announced that it will soon introduce Coke Zero or possibly Coke Light, truer to Coca-Cola Classic in flavor than Diet Coke, and without all the pesky calories.

I've got one more story in the vein of health, diet and nutrition, but I'm giving it its own post. So stay tuned.

NEW MACHER IN TOWN

2005-02-22T12:46:00.000-05:00

Claiming the title of "The Ultimate Jewish Website," and boasting the slogan of "Your Gateway to the Jewish Community," along comes Machers.

An initial review of the site leaves the impression that while it is an effective directory-style amalgam of collected information (Jewish news feeds, lists of online singles organizations, a Jewish blogroll), there's no real substantive content (either original or reprinted) to speak of. Yet. But the site looks like an ambitious beginning to what could become a major resource for both links and content.

And you heard it here first.

A RANDOM LANGUAGE THOUGHT

2005-02-22T12:20:00.000-05:00

I’ve recently begun thinking that we should take everyday verbs and create proper-name oriented slang for them.

It’s a nod to Buffyspeak and also provides corporate naming opportunities, like those that already exist for things like arenas and potentially, subway stations.

We could call it Kvetchese (or Baby Fish Mouth, since I’m sure it will be sweeping the nation).

For instance:

On Sunday morning, I Tropicanaed and Quaker Oated. A little while later, I Niked out of my apartment, and Starbucked over to 81st Street for a meeting. Since there were no seats, I Metrocarded up to the store on 101st, where I finally managed to Sumatra Decaf my way through a grande java bev. After Carrie Bradshawing my way through my column, I returned home for some righteous Netflixing.

DYLAN MCDERMOTT CAST IN NEW SERIES

2005-02-22T12:09:00.000-05:00

According to Mediaweek's A.J. Frutkin, Practice's McDermott to Star in CBS' 3 Lbs.

Apparently it's a show about man's search for the perfect woman with the perfect weight.

I'm kidding. (Jeeze!) It's a medical drama for CBS about a group of brain surgeons. Barry Levinson will direct the pilot.

McDermott's been a lawyer. Now, a doctor. What next, an accountant?

Maybe the brain weighs 3 pounds. But anyone who saw Jerry Maguire knows that the human head weighs eight pounds. And they say that TV can't learn ya nuthin'.

THE REAL QUESTION: WHEN ISN'T "LAW & ORDER" ON?

2005-02-22T11:47:00.000-05:00

That question aside, if you want to watch "Law & Order" but don't know if it's on, here are a three easy ways to find out.

1) There's this thing called "TV Guide." I think it's like, a magazine or something. You buy it, you read it, and then you know stuff, like when TV shows are on.
2) Is it evening or night-time? Chances are, you're missing three episodes of "L & O" right now. Turn on your TV and find out.
3) For those who want to plan ahead, here's a guy who has a complete list of which shows are scheduled to air when. Plus, CHARTS!

And people say I watch too much TV.

"GATES" AND JUDAISM

2005-02-21T11:53:00.000-05:00

In this article in the Forward (free registration may be required to read the story, but copious excerpts are available here), there is a discussion of the Jewish meaning that can be applied to the famous "Gates" installation in Central Park.

A few hours after the installation's inauguration, Michael Strassfeld, a rabbi whose congregation meets just a few short steps from the celebrated 16-day installation, brought together a group of some 70 of his congregants for a Sabbath-afternoon talk on the place of the gate in Jewish thought. Traditionally, explained the rabbi, the city gate is where the action is: where one goes for news, for trade. It is where justice is administered.

Whenever anyone mentions gates in the context of Jewish life, I think of several things: the synagogue I've attended for ten years (Shaarei Zedek--Gates of Righteousness), the gates of Jerusalem, and the synagogue I tell people I'm going to when I'm really just sleeping in (Shaarei Sheinah--Gates of Sleep).

The gate is no less central in the relationship between man and God. One need think only of the gates of prayer, the gates of repentance. The closing portion of the Yom Kippur liturgy, the Ne'ilah service, which centers on the closing of the heavenly gates, is regarded as the penitent's last chance at redemption. The gate is the threshold between the known and the unknown, past and future. It's a place of risk, where demons lurk; it's where one hangs the mezuzah.

This threshhold thing reminds me of an episode of Charmed, wherein a little girl was scared of doorways and windows because that's where gremlins lived. I keep waiting for Makor to offer a class in Jewish demonology, 'cause I'll be so there. Especially if we talk about Lilith as the progenitrice of BTVS's vengeance demon, Anya.

Wrappings and coverings constitute an astounding number of Judaism's ritual objects: the curtain for the Holy Ark, the prayer shawl, the wedding canopy, the kittel prayer robe — each endowing what it covers with ceremonial uniqueness. And such, some say, has been the effect of the Gates' billowing fabric on visitors in Central Park.

I'm going to go on record: I really wish the fabric were a different color. Which color would I prefer? I don't know. I'm no artist. The orange (or as the Christos like to call it, "saffron") throws me into a visual panic. It looks like there are hazard cones all around the park, outlining it as one big Law and Order crime scene, or creating the effect that Central Park is experiencing an "orange" level of terror threat.

Or maybe that's just my own internal terror alert system.

THOUGHT OF THE DAY: SANDRA DEE

2005-02-21T10:36:00.000-05:00

Sandra Dee passed away at age 62 after a long bout of kidney disease.

The sad thing is, there's a whole generation (mine) for whom Sandra Dee's name is nothing but a punchline, rhyming with "lousy with virginity." Oh come on--you know the minute you heard about Dee's passing, you were picturing Stockard Channing with that blonde wig on, making fun of Sandy who's in the bathroom passing out after smoking and having her ears pierced at the slumber party with the Pink Ladies. In fact, I'd wager that when we first memorized the song (from "Grease," if you're completely clueless), we had no idea that there was an actual person named Sandra Dee. We probably thought Sandy's last name was Dee. (It's actually Oleson.)

If we've ever even heard of Gidget, we think Sally Field. And thanks to Kevin Spacey's Beyond the Sea, we now have an image of Dee as played by Kate Bosworth.

She deserves a better legacy. I'm gonna add some of her movies to my Netflix list. Suggestions welcome.

TWO BRADS, NO WAITING

2005-02-21T00:55:00.000-05:00

Now there's more than enough Brad to go around. One for Jennifer, and one for Angelina.

Brad Pitt's set to star in a movie called Chad Schmitt: the plot centers on a struggling 1980s actor who wants to be a celebrity, and realizes he is identical to Brad Pitt. (I wonder who plays Brad's dad? Chad's dad? Egad! I think we've all been had!)

I guess it's like Dave, but with twice the Brad and no future of the free world at stake. Which I guess makes it not like Dave at all.

It may be a little more like Sliding Doors, actually, with dueling Gwynnies. I wonder what would happen if the two Gwynnies from Sliding Doors met up with the two Brads from Chad Schmitt. I think that would yield a Celebrity Deathmatch worth the pay-per-view charge.

MADONNA "PROMOTED" ON POTENTIAL ROAD TO RABBINATE

2005-02-21T00:17:00.001-05:00

Welcome back to everyone's favorite place-to-visit-but-you-wouldn't-want-to-live-there, the Hall of Celebrity Weirdness.

Today’s exhibit focuses on the latest achievement by the woman who exhorted her papa not to preach and encouraged women everywhere to express themselves as they, on holiday, celebration come together from every nation.

According to source contactmusic.com, Madonna has been promoted to the highest pre-ordination level possible within what the article calls the “Church of Kabbalah.” That’s right.

Just to recap, we have now learned the following…

1) Kabbalah is a church.
2) One can be promoted in Kabbalah. It is unclear if one can be left back. Also unclear is if promotion comes with full medical and dental. Optical, of course, is not included.
3) If Madonna learns one more thing, she’s going to have to release a song called “Like a Rabbi.” (“paskening* for the very first time…like a ra-a-a-aabbi, cause your shul’s not as frum** as mine…”)

Please feel free to suggest additional titles, topics and lyrics for Rabbi Madge’s future songs. Songs may be new (e.g., “Call Me Rabbi, But I’m Still a Woman” –a duet with Britney Spears) or reissues of previous Madonna hits (e.g., “Who’s That Maidel?”).

*Paskening means "making halakhic (Jewish law-related) decisions."
**Frum means "religiously observant."

MY URBAN KVETCH DOES TYPEPAD: BETA SITE UP

2005-02-18T12:53:00.000-05:00

I know. I'm pretending to be a web geek. This may not technically be a beta site. But it is where my blog will be once I negotiate the dang "import your posts from Blogger" feature. Until then, I will continue to post mostly here. Once the move is final, I'll post an official announcement here so you can update your links.

In the interim, consider this a sneak preview of the new look of My Urban Kvetch. Which, admittedly, looks a lot like the old My Urban Kvetch. But that's just to help you transition, gentle reader.

Also available on this site, new posts on the Breakfast Club, my media blitz, and more. The blogroll is in process, so don't panic if you're not there. As if.

Check me out: My Urban Kvetch 2005

Feedback welcome!

CONSTANTINE

2005-02-18T00:27:00.000-05:00

Let it not be said that bloggers get no perks. Tonight, I attended a preview screening of CONSTANTINE, which turned out to be a pleasant surprise.

I have to get the worst part over with first. Some people are simply insufferable, and their every move as grating as nails on a chalkboard: talking and chomping their way through the whole movie...two young women next to me went through the following snacks during the movie--nacho chips, hot pretzel bites, popcorn, gummi bears, Twizzlers, some sort of chocolate malted thing and two large cokes. I had a Luna bar. (Clearly, I do not know how to have fun at a movie.) These two women continued to comment on the most obvious moments of the movie ("ooh, he's got a gun"; "he's a demon!"etc). After shushing them once, I was on the receiving end of a look of death, and I decided to choose life and not shush them again.

I have to admit, I was expecting Van Helsing--a cheesy CGI-fest in which a hunky star battles the forces of darkness. But I actually liked this new movie starring Keanu Reeves (even though is now and forever our Ted "Theodore"Logan). Maybe it was my steady diet of Angel and Buffy over the last fewyears that did it, but I kept seeing elements that I liked in the whole that was Constantine.

Take Neo, first and foremost, because it is the role of Reeves' career, and because The Matrix and "bullet time" will probably inform any sci-fi work from here on in. Add an Indiana Jones good vs. evil archaeological artifact-centered back story, Dogma-brand explanations of thebalance of the universe, and ice this cake with with Buffy-style banter and deadpan delivery. Then, lacquer the movie in James Bond polish. Sure, some of the demons look familiar after this much sci-fi, but that's par for the course. (I would be really interested in hearing the opinion of someone who saw the movie and is also a fan of the original comic book; I thought HELLBOY was pretty good, but I seem to recall the fanboys not being so happy with the result.)

Sure, the CGI is there, but there's (surprise!) an actual story! And it also has (shock and awe!) good performances from Tilda Swinton, Djimon Honsou andGavin Rossdale (that's right, both members of the Rossdale/Stefani household are double billing it this year--I guess the rock-and-roll lifestyle's more expensive than they thought if each of them needs to take a second job ). I did not even recognize Shia LeBeouf (who once joked that in Yiddish and French, his name means "save the beef"), buthe provided excellent comic relief and genuinely entertaining moments as Short Round to Keanu's Dr. Jones. Rachel Weisz, while key to the plot and far from the standard hapless female foil, wasn't all that in this movie. Not because she's not a good actress, but because she's like four good actresses. Rachel shares a face with: Kate Winslet, Natalie Portman, Keira Knightley, and when the light hits her right, Winona Ryder. Same face, different actresses. Just like Portia and Drea.

During the waning moments of the movie, I started to think about life, afterlife, and the concepts of heaven and hell in the Jewish tradition. And then, I focused on Keanu's abs. Because this movie was not a philosophical polemic...or WAS IT? When I arrived home, there was an email in my inbox inviting me to download the CONSTANTINE Bible study guide, to help me (as a "savvy ministry leader") "harness the interest in spiritual things that the Warner Brothers film will create." The email predicted: "Everyone, and I mean everyone, will be talking about salvation, sin, forgiveness, and spiritual welfare, all because of Constantine." (So, you heard it here first, Christian ministry leaders who read my blog looking for discussion topics...)

In summary, CONSTANTINE won't win any awards, but my opinion is that it has enough of all the things that we look for in a movie. It's a diversion. There's humor, which is always welcome for the world-weary, and some superficial discussion of what God's expectations are of the human race, itself a topic for constant discussion and speculation, but ultimately with no ratifiable resolution. Some people voiced their confusion loudly upon leaving the theater, but I didn't overthink it. CONSTANTINE surpassed my expectations. And that's all's I got to say about that.

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES...

2005-02-17T14:18:00.000-05:00

As I previously said, I'm having some problems switching over to Typepad, so you may encounter posting problems when you try to comment. So far, seems like the comments are being recorded by the system (and I get them emailed to me), but are not always posted immediately. Your patience is appreciated...

COMEDY DOMINATION: THE NEW PLAN

2005-02-17T14:01:00.000-05:00

Since the Daily Show does NOT seem about to hire me as an entertainment consultant (I guess there's no comeback in the cards for "We Heart Showbiz") and since I am therefore NOT poised for discovery by Comedy Central (my favorite network since 1993), I've had to do some contingency planning.

From MediaWeek:
Comedy Central reached a deal to finance Jon Stewart’s production company, Busboy Productions, that guarantees the network a first-look at all television projects that are developed by the shop.

So, here's the new plan:

1) Create television project.
2) Find corporate offices of Busboy Productions.
3) Camp out there until the next Star Wars movie opens.
4) Go back and revise step 3.
5) Skip steps 4 and 5 entirely and proceed directly to step 6.
6) Procure appointment with Busboy development executive.
7) Wow him with original concepts, DVD of my Rosh Hashanah appearance on Good Day NY, and old grainy videotape of an improv show I did four years ago.
8) Fall in love with development executive (did I mention he's single and Jewish?)
9) Announce engagement the same day that development deal is made public, and field deals for a reality show following two comedy professionals from engagement to chuppah.
10) Co-executive produce show with brother Simmy and with Stewart, who is so impressed with my perspective and ability to break kosher Triaminic-related stories more than two weeks before Stephen Colbert that he drafts me for occasional segments on Jews in Hollywood.

And end scene.

[APPLAUSE]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BREAKFAST CLUB

2005-02-17T13:32:00.000-05:00

The year was 1985. I was in high school. So were Bender, Allison, Claire, Andrew ("Sporto") and Brian.

20 years later, they are still in high school, dancing in the library, eating Captain Crunch and Pixie Stix sandwiches and throwing cold cuts at statues.

But after two decades, you learn things about your Shermer High School friends that maybe you didn't know: For instance, Bender (Judd Nelson) could have been played by John Cusack or Nicolas Cage. Might Molly have made a better basket case than Ally did? It was a thought that the producers had at some point over the casting process.

For more, see this article. It contains several top five lists of things you didn't know about the Breakfast Club, including the tantalizing tidbit that writer/director John Hughes has an hour of additional footage that didn't make the studio's final cut. Petitionsonline, anyone?

IDEA: Ally Sheedy and Molly Ringwald are both now living in New York. Write and launch a play reviving the two female characters--called "Because You're Letting Me"--that goes inside the bathroom where Claire gives Allison a makeover 20 years ago. The acting challenge: have Ally play Claire, and Molly play Allison. Their conversation runs to boys, social structure, and "carrying this much shit in your bag."

"THE SKINNY ON USING THE F-WORD"

2005-02-17T12:44:00.000-05:00

My new column in the Jewish Week, "The Skinny on Using the F-Word," is now available online. Enjoy!

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO...HMMMM....

2005-02-17T00:14:00.000-05:00

February 20 is the 64th birthday of singer-songwriter Buffy Sainte-Marie. However, it is also the 51st birthday of actor Anthony Stewart Head, who portrayed Watcher/crooner Rupert Giles on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Coincidence?

CHANGE IS HARD

2005-02-16T22:50:00.000-05:00

Change is hard. Everyone says so. And after spending hours trying to transfer my posts from Blogger to Typepad, I'm inclined to agree.

So yes, my threat to move away from Blogger is not quite an empty one, nor has it totally come to fruition. I do hope that this will all be resolved shortly, and I will then be welcoming you to the new and improved My Urban Kvetch--a new Kvetch for a new year. (Yes, this was supposed to be done in January.)

Hopefully, my fairy blogmother can help me out. Stay tuned for more of the same kvetch times at this same kvetch channel.

CELEBRITY X-FILE: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

2005-02-15T14:01:00.000-05:00

Hello, boys and girls. And welcome to the hall of celebrity spiritual weirdness.

Kabbalah : Madonna :: Scientology : ________________

Here's another clue:

Agent Mulder: Uncovering alien conspiracy at FBI:: _____________: Uncovering alien conspiracy in the entertainment industry

Still nothing? OK, one more.

Adam: tilling the soil of the Garden of Eden:: ____________:ridding Planet Earth of nuclear Scientology-blocking aliens

Give up? Today's Scientology-crazed celeb is former "Dharma and Greg" costar Jenna Elfman.

“I intend to make Scientology as accessible to as many people as I can. And that is my goal,” Elfman said. To do this, she says, it is my “duty to clear the planet.” By “clearing” she means to rid the world of “body thetans” — aliens who Scientologists believe inhabit the earth from a nuclear explosion 75 million years ago.

OK, I know. L. Ron Hubbard. Dianetics. Life-changing spiritual approach embraced by Tom Cruise. Yada, yada, yada. I had no idea that nuclear aliens were involved. Maybe some of my readers want to weigh in on the positive aspects of Scientology, so I'm not being totally unfair? Please do. In the interim, let's read on:

She continued that “the more successful I became, the more suppression I bumped into … especially in the entertainment industry, which really is home to rabid suppression.”

Is the entertainment industry really "home to rabid suppression"? Or does she mean...something else???*

An unconfirmed source from inside my head has supplied credible evidence to support the fact that Madonna is assembling a team of top Kabbalists who will kidnap Elfman, bring her to the Kabbalah Centre and wrap her in red string until she requests a bottle of Kabbalah water.

(Mental note: Do not accept offers of Kool-Aid from Jenna Elfman, even if it is made with Kabbalah water.)

*I'm not saying that she's an anti-Semite. I'm just saying that if you replace the word suppression with the word Jews, it's a whole different story. Not that I'm paranoid. Because there's no truth to the stereotype about the Jews running the media. Otherwise, I'd have my own show. I'm just sayin'.